Unwanted guest!

I think he sounds like a horrible prick but you need to rise above it and take the moral high ground because your friend deserves more than she's got. she will one day see the light where he's concerned so you need to keep your friendship intact. maybe u could ask her to tell him no comments about your weight on the day though as i know thats what i'd be worrying most about. im in big sizes too and i'd hate that so i totally see your point about him.

WVTS

He is unfortunately her choice of partner, if you want to remain civil I would say you should invite him as her guest. If you feel like you don't care about further fall outs or losing her again then maybe tell her how you feel and explain why he will not be invited. It is your right to decide who gets an invite, but it may make her feel forced into choosing between the 2 of you ultimately.

I have to agree with the other gals. He sounds like a complete knob but he's your friend's fiance and therefore you risk the friendship by not inviting him. What a hideous situation and quite frankly I can't beeeeelieve she can listen to him be so offensive to her friends and remain with him. I worry for her!

If you'd just taken a dislike to him for no reason then it'd be weird/mean to not invite him, but this man has been intentionally cruel to you on a number of occasions. I would not invite him. At least not to the day! I want to say my vows surrounded to people who care about me and want to be there. It sounds as though your friend if very under the thumb and hopefully she'kll realise what hes like before its too late. In my opinion, she would have to understand why you've not invited him and if he questioned, I'd tell him straight!! This has made me angry! Saying because you're a bit larger you shouldn't get married! What an absurd and ignorant man!!

This may not be the popular view here but I would never condone my other half being so incredibly rude and hurtful to my friends - bullying, in whatever form, is just not acceptable.

If my friendships meant enough to me, I would defend my friends no matter what.

So, yes, you are well within your rights to not invite this egotistical prat - I suppose he is an oil painting?

Explain to your friend - though you shouldn't need to do so, she has seen it for herself - and tell her that you value her friendship but just cannot and will not tolerate his behaviour. I cannot imagine that your H2B will want someone there who is likely to cause such offence to his new bride either.

If your friend is the person you deserve she will completely understand. She should not have to apologise for him but she does not to prevent him from causing stress and hurt to people she cares about.

I'd be very tempted to not invite him - like you say, why spend a decent amount of money on someone like that? You wouldn't ordinarily take him out for a meal and spend £70 wining and dining him, so why do so on your wedding day?

I guess it all comes down to how you feel it will go down with your friend? If other friends are invited with plus one's then i do think it's likely that it'll cause issues and a possible fall out. If you are on a budget and have limited places, it could be easier to invite your friends to all day, then their plus one's to the evening as a compromise. Can you speak with her and tell her honestly how you feel? On the one hand, yes, it's very easy to say that you can't stand him, don't want him there and as it's your day it's your way or no way, but in all reality, how much do you value your friendship with your friend?

The fact that this caused a falling out between the two of you means it's likely to happen again if you don't invite him. If you friend means anything to you, you have to invite him or risk alienating the friend forever. Yes, he's a prat, but she's the one who loves him.

He's not the only person I've heard of who thinks and says these things about fat people.

On another note, though, I'm not sure it's fair to entirely blame him for your friend losing weight. It sounds like a separate issue to his douche-baggery (which I am in no way contesting). You might perceive her change as being completely about him, but I don't know any woman who, when losing weight, hasn't been doing it mostly for her self-confidence. You say he said things to put her down? Obviously they weren't so bad if he was with her at size 14 and she stuck with him though it. Maybe she just wanted to get healthy- there's nothing wrong with that. Calorie counting and maintaining weight loss isn't unhealthy. If I have gone from a size 14 to a size 8 I'd be crazy upset if I put on weight, and I'm not even with a partner who hates fat people!

Sorry, I went off on a tangent there. Yes, he's a douche. But he's a douche loved by one of your good friends. Unfortunately, to keep your friendship alive and happy it is best to extend the invitation, unless you judge your friendship strong enough to have a frank conversation with her about it. Tell her how you feel about him, but be careful not to say that you think he treats her poorly- make it all about you! If you then tell her you're uncomfortable around him and then tell her it's entirely her decision whether he's invited or not, she might go ahead and tell you he shouldn't come! On the other hand, if she says she wants him there, you should invite him.

Well said.

I'd be worried for your friend as it sounds like she is in an unhealthy relationship which could get worse. If he's controlling her weight, what else is he controlling. I wouldn't want him there either but maybe for the sake of your friend, be the bigger person as, if you don't, he will know he has won. If he does say anything however make it clear he will be thrown out!

x

Exactly that.

Its an awful situation to be in and I totally see why you dont want him there. Thats the last thing you want on your big day! However, like Venart says, if you turn it round to your friend and make it her decision (obviously after explaining why you feel this way) then at least you'll keep your friendship intact and theres always the chance she'll say no! (Fingers crossed!!)

This! If she is a good fiend she will understand why you don not want someone who puts you down all the time at you wedding x

Venart may have put it a bit more tactfully though!

? wonderful phrase venart, I love how you say things sometimes.

I agree if she is a good friend she will hopefully be understanding, but lots of women stand by their man so to speak so as I said in my earlier post you may have to be prepared to lose her again if you decide to not invite him.

While the guy does sound like a total a-hole some people have a very strange sense of humour and don't realise that no one else finds it funny. I have a family member who says some pretty terrible things from time to time but I know he doesn't actually mean it so just ignore it, some people you really have to know them to love them. I can only assume these inappropriate "jokes" come from the person's own insecurities.

I'm not trying to excuse his behaviour, I would be so embarrassed and upset if my partner said anything mean to one of my friends, but I think you should talk to your friend before deciding whether to invite him or not. She's obviously aware of his inappropriate comments but she maybe doesn't realise how much it upsets you. I would only talk to her about the things he has specifically said to upset you though rather than your thoughts on how he's changed her, often it's best to stick to facts rather than opinion when dealing with delicate matters. I agree with Venart that it's probably not entirely fair to attribute her weight loss to him putting her down, maybe she's always wanted to lose the weight and being happy with him gave her the confidence to do it, as long as she is healthy then I wouldn't worry too much about it.

I agree with frandy on this one as I was reading through thinking either he is a complete and utter d1ck for brains, OR just maybe he thinks hes funny and maybe he has his own issues? I kno someone who is a bit of a lardy @rse themselves that is always making 'jokes' about other peoples appearence and have found they dont mean to offend, its just how they deal with thinks, after all if she loves him maybe hes not all bad???

Just playing devils advocate tho coz he does sound a bit of a knob....

Yeh I'm no help am i....

let us know what happens

Personally I wouldn't want him there, but would probably try and get the compromise option of only having him there in the evening if possible. But if it's a case of losing your friend, or inviting him, I'd probably end up inviting him.

I have the same situation that I don't want one of my BM's boyfriend at my wedding. He caused a row a few years ago and led to me and her not speaking for 2 years. I've been dreading how to deal with it, and was getting to the point where I thought I was just going to have to suck it up and invite him. Fortunately, I had a chat with her and she's completely ok with me not inviting him (they aren't getting on too great anyway so she's not really bothered unlike your friend) but I have made it clear to her that my friendship with her is more important so if I had to have him there I would have done. I'm just lucky that I don't.

Well, doesn't he sound just charming?

I completely understand you not wanting him there but if you value your friendship with your friend, I would invite them both. You will be so happy on the day that you won't notice the nasty man with the tiny penis (because you know it's bound to be, right?).

As for your friend, it sounds like she could do with knowing she has some unwavering support from someone. I think it's a little unwise to blame him for her weight loss, albeit he may be the catalyst. Keep him at arms length but, tough as it may be, try not to judge your friend for her choices. Sometimes it's difficult to see the wood for the trees. Hopefully one day she'll wake up to realise his attitude stinks (whether he means the things about your weight or not, he certainly has a problem with his manners) and she'll need a friend. It sounds like you're dealing with it well and have found the right balance between being supportive and being a doormat as far as she's concerned.

Finally, and this may sound a little blase, November is still a long way off. There's no guarantee they'll still be together then. Good luck.

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I guess you could have a word with her and ask what she prefers, but explain how his comments make you feel and tell her you dont want to hear any derrogatory comments on your special day. Say something like, you re pretty sure she would agree you wouldnt want to have your feelings hurt Lay it on thick\\\\\\\\\\\1 you might get her to agree he only comes to the evening or not at all, but be prepared for the fact she might want him there anyway. if she does then just say well can you make sure he doesnt make any of his normal comments please. Im pretty ceratin if any of your other friends and family heard this they would escort him off the premises?! I know mine would!

Ive got this with my oh's mate, he is such a KNOB! i just cant stand him. He has to try to upset me with sarcastic comments too, ive tried being nice to him and he was worse, so the next time i was completely vile to him, but he lapped it up! so i just tried being nice again and he was a complete dick! i pointed out a few things that he said to my oh, who conveniently didnt hear what he said! i think when i see him in a few months again, im just going to give him what he gives me! unfortunately hes coming to the wedding, but I wont have to speak to him too much cos ill be busy with everyone else! plus if he started at the wedding my family would flatten him!!

So you could always make sure you dont get to spend any time with him and just smile at him, sarcastically!! as i will!!

Just wanted to add to the sarcastic bit, i do it very well! its my middle name!!

WSS - I have the same issue with my BM boyfriend, he is a right knob but I'm having suck it up, stick a smile on and invite him to the evening only. As much I do not want him there I can't ruin my relationship with my best friend even more than I have done these girls give great advice on here x

What a total tool. She'll wise up in the end, I feel really sorry for her - he must cause her no end of embaressment and worry. I'd invite them both, as if you just invited her she wouldn't end up coming because he'd prob kick up such a fuss. He sounds like a bully! Try and totally blank him during the day - to be honest you prob wont end up spending much time with them/him because you'll be so busy floating around and looking gorgeous and having fun.

I might be in the minority but I couldn't have somebody like him at my wedding. He says hurtful things and gets away with it. I don't expect his girlfriend to split up with him because of how he speaks to you but you don't have to be around him and pay for the privelige so he can continue to make sarcastic comments about you and your OH on your wedding day which I wouldn't put past him as he sounds dreadful.

It really riles me that people think they can behave this way ?

I don't want him there at all but I know she won't come without him and we would probably fall out over it. I will just have to have a word with her and make it clear if he says anything offensive to me or my wedding guests, I will ask him to leave and then me and him will be done. I'm not paying thousands to have one knob head ruin my day and upset my guests. Argh I hate situations like this. He seems to be genuinely repulsed by women over a size 12 - which is pretty much everyone I know apart from a handful of people. I wish people weren't so awkward!