UPDATE pg2 - Already fed up and we still have over 290 days :(

ERRRRRR

FMIL facetimed me showing me swatches of material for bridesmaid outfits and different caters and pictures of wedding dress

Christ

I don't want this

Jesus, it sounds like all kind of control is spiraling out of your control. I think you need to sit MrDeer down and have a nice talk about want it is exactly this wedding is about and who is it for? because it doesn't sound like your a willing party. Totally not healthy. The fact you needn't want it and are 'going through the motions' is not a good thing. In fact it could be a killer as it will allow resentment to seep in.

btw what does FPIL stand for?

FPIL = Future Parents In Laws

They and FPIL are lovely people really. I think they have different expectations and wants to what this wedding should be. I'm really not a willing party - I just don't want it

May I ask is it that you don't want to be married or just don't want to have a wedding? I would imagine the former is a bigger obstacle to overcome.

I don't want a wedding at all but I also don't want to be married

But MrDeer wants to be and being so will make him happy

I think you need to sit your OH down and tell him exactly how you feel, if you feel like this with 290 days to go then the stress only gets tougher especially if its not something you want at all.

Right now you should be super excited, planning every inch or at least looking forward to being married if weddings aren't your thing but if your not then it can sadly only end in tragedy.

Getting married is a celebration of your relationship but its not the bee all. You definately need to sit down and talk because otherwise you'll end up resenting him for having to do all this.

At the end of the day if he can't respect your feelings and its not something you can agree on then maybe he's not the right person for you. I wish you luck but don't get married if your absolutely sure its not what you want because as said above it will only end in tears and probably divorce. Good luck and keep us posted xxx

I agree with the above. It's one thing not wanting the wedding, and at worst that will lead to you saying "sod this" and running down the registry office in your lunch hour. Then you can think that at least you're married, and nothing else matters. We eloped because I didn't want a big traditional wedding, and I didn't want people sticking their oar in. However, I DID want to BE married, despite not wanting to GET married.

If you don't even want to be married to your OH in a year's time, something has to be said.

Agree with the above, you need to tell him. Be calm, be rational but you need to speak to him.

Is there a reason you don't want to be married? Could you not elope if it's the wedding that scares you? I know you say you'll do it to make him happy, but your thoughts and feelings are valid too. How would he feel knowing you are miserable?

It's one thing having a big wedding you don't want to keep him happy, but quite another to get married when you don't want to just to keep him happy. What next? are you going to have children you don't want just because he wants them? move to the other side of the world because he wants to? Sorry to sound harsh but this isn't how relationships work. Both parties need to be 100% committed to these things.

Nail on head.

Marriage is about compromise. But you still have to have the same fundamental belief and appreciation of what if means. If you don't, sorry but should you really be together?

I agree with the other posters. If you didn't have an opinion either way, or just didn't want the wedding then that's different but actively not wanting to be married is something else IMO.

FWIW, your FPILs behaviour would be driving me crazy so perhaps have a think about whether that is colouring your views but really be honest with yourself. It would be more painful for your OH to marry you and them lose you if being married really didn't suit. Do you know what it is about marriage that you don't relish? Can you do anything to change that?

If you don't want to be married, why are you? Surely your OH knows this?

If you're doing it for your OH's sake then ok but you need to make sure this wedding is as much what you want as possible. This includes putting your foot down to your FMIL. Just because she's paying doesn't mean she can take over, it's your wedding not hers.

Sorry if I sound harsh, but you're going to be even more miserable about this unless you do/say something as the planning won't stop/slow unless you say something and make it.

Sorry I could quote all of you

I do want to be with him 'forever' and we are on the same page as to everything else (kids etc)

But the marriage bit..... I don't know why I don't want to get married or be married. It has just never been something I wanted to do. But for MrDeer not being married would be the end and for that I will marry him (if he needs that bit of paper then fine - he needs it) but I can't pretend to get excited about it all or into it and I'm not the sort to get excited about a wedding (do love going to them)

I will try to talk to him. He always knew that getting married wasn't 'me' but I think when I finally said 'yes' maybe he thought I was changing my mind (after 5/6 yrs).

Do you read? If so, committed by Elizabeth Gilbert would be a good read for you :-)

I still don't think I understand why you don't want to be married? I could understand not wanting a big wedding but if you are going to be together forever, why wouldn't you want to be 'official'

tbh I can't put my finger on it completely. All I know that it has never been something I wanted or imagined doing. I don't see it as being 'official'. Just not something I wanted to do or want to do or be and I just don't know why

If you are willing to just get a bit of paper to compromise then that's what you need to do. Go to a registry office and do it, just the two of you. What you can't do is have a massive wedding which makes you miserable. Marriage is about compromise and currently you are unhappy. It's not about doing everything possible to keep the other one happy regardless of your feelings. Please talk to him.

Plus, it's your wedding, not his family's.

If you don't want to get married then do not. We do things to make others happy but being happy on your wedding day is not something that can be faked.

We talked for a little bit.

The thing is he wants to be married and that is an all or nothing for him - I get that I do. So the answer is to be married if I want us to be together

However he also wants a wedding - not having one for him is inconceivable basically. He is willing to make it smaller, not at his parents home (in part I also think he is expected to have a large classic english wedding) but the idea of it not being a 'wedding' with a white dress, and guests and all that - he isn't wanting to budge from that.

He doesn't understand why I don't want this big wedding but he does know that for me be married is a massive thing. But that is it. he will for that reason make it smaller

The idea of it just being the 2 of us is not possible for him basically

So he's not really willing to compromise even though you will be miserable?

How will it be a smaller wedding with your in-laws taking over?

I think he is compromising the most that he can - having it my way (if there is a wedding) is just a bridge to far

I don't know honestly - he is expect and is wanting a bigger 'stereotypical' wedding. I guess by having less people, at a different venue. I' don't know

You really both need to be happy. As I have said before, I had no interest in marrying OH. I had been married before and didn't want the fuss again. I realised later that I would be happy to be married, but not to get married. Initially because of this, I rejected his proposal. He was thinking of a smallish but traditional English country church ceremony and reception. I explained that to do that, for me, would mean having people there who were at my first wedding, and I didn't want that spectacle again. Initially he wasn't convinced about eloping, but once his parents gave us their blessing, he accepted it, since being married to me was more important to him than HOW he got married.

If you and your OH want to marry at all, you need to work out a way of doing it that you are both accepting of.

This is sooo similar to my best friend ....Except he was the groom

he didn't want to get married, they had a house and mortgage , two kids and a dog and too him that was a bigger commitment then a silly old wedding which would cost 3 monthly mortgage payments...

except he had a bride... Not just any a bride... She was his partner of 15 years and knew exactly what he was like and knew he would be like this, but to her marriage was so important and he just went along with it...

well I kid you not 2 months before the wedding he was dragging me round the shops ... He was wedding obsessed making sure he was catching up with all the planning he had missed out on...because his bride and mother in law sort everything..and he even admitted to me that he wished he just relaxed and saw it for what it was ..two people in love ..not some money wasting, crazy , unnecessary piss up ...

You have a very long time to get married... Just chill and sit back for a bit..it's early days and I'm sure the novelty will wear off in a couple of months and you can maybe start to enjoy the planning.. I would hate for you to get to your wedding day and feel you missed out of the build up and excitement of a wedding day...

be strong.. Life could be a lot worse... Drink a glass of wine..who knows what's round the corner ....life's to short you have man that wants to show the world and its friend how much he loves you ...see it for that xxx

Heya everyone

it's been a number of days since I posted this and I guess there has been a lot of talking and then some more talking.

As I said before being married is non negotiable for him and so I know we will need to be married. However he reiterated again that for him the wedding is important. And it is something that needs to be done in front of friends and family. and unfortunately that isn't just our parents and siblings and best friends but aunts and uncles, cousins, other friends. All those things are important to him, to the extent that I can not understand.

He is willing to alter the size to smaller and to not do the reception at his parents house. However in doing that he is saying that we need an actual date and pick a place and decor and all of that.

I have looked at sites around us, decor ideas just to spark some interest and the fact that I can't is horrible. He is so excited about getting married and I so want not to decrease that at all.

I know that if I plan it. I will begin to hate it and I don't want that.

I love my FPIL they are lovely and my FMIL is so excited about the wedding.

so

I have reached a very hard conclusion which I am sure will befuddle some and it may be thw wrong decision. But looking at the compromise we made and realising that was not possible for me. This is what I am going to have to do to get to the end point and it is one day and after all the things MrDeer has done for me giving him this is hard but that is not just what he wants but what he needs.

I am going to give him the wedding he wants - the big traditional wedding, his Mother can be involved (with some ground rules). Just that the ceremony can not be in a church - I'm drawing the line at that

I may regret it or it may become a great decision. But I think that is what I need to do

Thank you for all of your help

Good luck with everything....least make sure you get a lovely big diamond to help xx

This makes me feel a bit sad OP. You're basically saying that your thoughts, feelings and opinions don't matter. And they certainly don't seem to matter to your OH.

I really hope that you can enjoy your day. Please buy a dress that you feel beautiful in (don't go shopping with your in-laws, go by yourself or with friends). Don't compromise on the dress. You deserve to feel beautiful.

Is this an arranged marriage or some cultural thing because I really cannot understand why you would go through something that makes you so unhappy otherwise?

Thanks Mrs

no nothing cultural Icklefee

No need to be sad but okay about the dress.

He does care and in the time we have been together he has made lots of sacrifices for me. I guess maybe this is just a harder sacrifice because of my feelings about the wedding thats allI guess (I'm tellling myself that anyway)

Fair enough. I have very good friends and getting married was of no importance to her but meant a lot to him. She was sure he was the one for her and so she went for it. They had a lovely day (she got very swept up in it in the end) and are very, very happy. If you were questioning your commitment to him that would be one thing but there is not point 'not being married to the wrong man' when you can be married to the right one.