Bear with me on this, it might be a bit long winded but any help/advice would be really appreciated.
My Nan is 84 at the end of this month. Approx 18 months ago, she started “losing” things, particularly her false teeth. They always eventually turn up, but in really random places – such as on the bird table in the garden amongst bread crumbs (!! Rationally of course we assume she was breaking up bread for the bird table, took her teeth out and put them on the bread board then put it all outside) or in her coat pocket… it turns out there is always a logical explanation of how her teeth end up wherever we find them HOWEVER … my Nan is absolutely convinced that a squirrel comes into her house, takes her false teeth and hides them. She’s not just saying it as an “excuse” for her being absent minded; she truly believes this is what’s happening. For a while we’ve just been laughing it off as it’s not really been a problem – as in, not causing any harm IYKWIM? But things have got worse….
My Nan now believes that while she was on holiday with my aunty in may, my mum let me into her (Nan’s) house and I’ve taken some mouth organs that belonged to my late granddad’s brother, who died in the war. She says that when she was at my house in June for my birthday, that my H took these mouth organs out of our sideboard (we don’t even have a sideboard) and showed them to my dad. She also thinks the summer gazebo/tent thing we’ve got is hers, and that I’ve taken this from her shed (despite the fact that my aunty has shown her that her’s is actually still in the shed. She insists I’ve got hers and the one in the shed is another we’ve put there to trick her). There are many other things, too many to mention here and not all involving me, that she absolutely believes have happened when they have not. Even when we show her “proof” that these things can’t have happened (as was the case with the gazebo) she won’t believe that she’s wrong and insists we are all conspiring to trick her.
As a result of this, she apparently wants nothing to do with me - it’s her birthday in 2 weeks and all the family would normally go out for a meal but she has said she doesn’t want me there. She is also being off with my mum as she thinks my mum “is in on it” and has let me into her house so I can take all these things. She says my mum has always been a liar etc... When my mum tried to explain to her that I don’t have any of these things, my Nan got really aggressive and vicious with her, actually hitting out at her with her walking stick, shouting in the street and screaming at her to get away from her.
Obviously my mum is really upset by all this. My mum would normally visit my Nan every day after work but now it’s like my Nan doesn’t want her there – they’ve had a few visits where it’s been ok and they’ve talked about nothing in particular but it’s always very tense and mum feels like my Nan is just waiting for her to go. My Nan only seems to want to be with my aunty (who is recovering from depression herself so could do without all this added stress).
My aunty has been to the dr’s with my Nan a couple of times to try and get the dr to see what my Nan is like, but my Nan always acts “normal” at the dr’s and denies it when my aunty brings up all this other stuff. It’s not just the delusions/hallucinations; she sometimes forgets entire conversations and says we are lying if we tell her she has said certain things and she can’t remember. She has had a health visitor visit her at home, but nothing really came of that apart from the HV saying she had a lot of protein in her urine and to send a sample to the dr, who then said there was nothing wrong with her (we’d been told that some types of urine infection can cause hallucinations if left untreated). My aunty has spoken to the HV again about the delusions and all the HV said is to try and change the subject and distract my nan. Fine when it’s just to do with a squirrel taking her teeth, but not fine when my nan strongly believes I am a thief and my mum is a liar.
The dr’s won’t talk to my mum about it all as she is not down as my Nan’s official carer so they say it confidential. (and as a result of everything, there’s no way my Nan would now agree to my mum being known as a carer) My aunty is her official carer as far as the dr surgery is concerned, so they will talk to her about it, however they say no other dr/HV can see my Nan without her agreeing to it, which of course she won’t. Plus the fact that my aunty isn’t particularly strong in herself and is getting it constantly from my Nan, well she’s not really up to pushing the situation forward.
So where do we go from here? Obviously I’m upset about my Nan thinking I’m stealing from her but I’m more concerned that there’s obviously something wrong with her that isn’t being diagnosed or treated. I assume it must be some form of dementia but how do we go about getting this confirmed if my Nan denies everything when a dr sees her? How do we even get a different dr/mental health expert to see her when she won’t admit there’s something wrong with her?
My mum and aunty both live only 2mins from my Nan so they are dealing with it every day and I’m worried about the effect it is having on both of them too. Also the fact that my Nan lives on her own but maybe it’s getting to the stage where she shouldn’t be.
Any advice? (well done if you read this far!)
x
UPDATE: Thanks to those who gave advice... my mum got in touch with the alzheimers society, who were quite helpful, said it definitely sounds like a form of dementia and have sent her some info/leaflets. They said the most important thing is to get it diagnosed, so we know what we're dealing with. SO... my mum and my aunty finally got to talk to my nan's doctor about everything and it seems he was more than useless. My nan is going for an appointment 1st October and GP said he will do a urine test then and "try to be more alert to what she says" but apart from that, he can't/won't do any actual tests or assessments for dementia without her agreeing - which of course she won't do, as she doesn't think there is anything wrong with her. GP said she's not doing any harm (huh, apart from the fact she thinks i'm stealing from her... there's more stuff now that she thinks i've got) and that she copes ok living on her own (but only cos my mum & aunty help her loads) so there's no real problem as he sees it.
Surely this can't be right? How does anyone get diagnosed with dementia as i assume most people suffering from it don't realise there's a problem? What else can we do? I don't think we can leave things as they are.
Thanks again for reading x
