Upset by OH's comments- rant

I think from what you have said you need to have a sit down with your fiancé and ask him if this is what he really wants, rather than it being a heat of the moment thing. I'm sure he proposed to you because he loves you and wants you to be his wife, not just to shut you up.

Also, if it's any consolation my fiancé took a slight disinterest in the wedding to begin with because it felt so far away. Now we have 7 months to go it's all he talks about!

My partner was very similar. We had been together for 9.5 years before he proposed, got married after we had been together for 11 years, but until he proposed he hated me asking about marriage, he said I knew he wanted to so be patient. If you do love him and know he wants it too, give him some time, start collecting ideas if things you like etc so when he is ready to discuss it, you have some ideas to talk about.

i can't really help with the comment he made, I'd be really upset too, but think you need to talk about that as an entirely different conversation, ignore the wedding when you discuss his proposal if you see what I mean. I guess really you just want to know if he wants to be engaged, which in essence means planning a wedding. If he doesn't want to plan a wedding, perhaps you should not yet be engaged and wait till he is ready?

I'd be upset too if I'm honest.

I sometimes wonder if my OH felt pressure to propose, not just from me but others as we had been together just over 9 years when he proposed & we'll have been together 11 when we marry. None the less he did propose & we are getting married- just like you.

It wasn't nice or fair how he behaved but maybe try to leave it a bit again & then nearer the time bring it up that you'll do research (but not actually book).

Most men aren't interested at the beginning.... My OH certainly wasn't but he started caring more at the 6 months to go stage & I have him jobs to do to keep him interested like build us a website, organise music etc. I think this has helped.

If as you say he does want to get married but just not yet it'll be a case of sitting and waiting I'm afraid :-(. There are lots of women on here who've had fairly long engagements & we are always more than happy to talk weddings to them and you so you can still get your wedding fix!!!

You spent most of your post justifying why you may have mentioned the wedding to people and why you went to enquire about the venue. You shouldn't have to be justifying ANY of this. It's completely natural and right that you are happy and excited, and quite frankly, so should your OH too. I know guys are a little different to us and don't go completely loopy excited about weddings but even my OH is enjoying talking about it. Admittedly I am the one to harp on but he always joins in and wants to get things sorted.

I used to chat about weddings all the time before he proposed - initially he didn't want to get married but over the years he has changed. When we marry, we will have been together 8 years. We have been engaged for two years because we are broke and wanted to save up.

I think you need to have a serious talk and find out what is going on in his head. You should not be having to justify every "wedding" thought or mention and not should you be having to watch what you say to people. He should not be getting angry with you for doing so, it's ridiculous! He may just be stressed with the house or worried that a wedding entails far more than what he thought (which is doesn't have to). I think there is more going on here and you need to get to the bottom of things.

If I was you OP I'd be really upset, and to be honest, fuming at your OH! You didn't force him to propose, he did, so you are 110% within your right to start planning, just because your wedding is a long while away doesn't mean you can't talk about it! I'm also a bit shocked at all the posters whose h2b's have said they're not interested in the planning and have left everything to them!!!! There are two of you getting married! Don't get me wrong I've done most of the organising for the 'detaily' things for our wedding, as my h2b isn't very organised and I'm really particular and anal (!!!) but he's agreed to organise set things e.g. music, reigistrar etc, it's unfair for one person to do everything!

Sit him down and have a chat with him, there may be a simple explanation - like he's concentrating on renovating the house, and is worried what the wedding budget will be after that is done. Check with him if he wanted the wedding in 2016, in which case planning will have to start sooner, or if he was expecting the planning to start in 2016. Tell him you are upset, that you don't want him stressed, but you are excited about being his wife when the time comes.

i hope it's all sorted soon, and there is a simple explanation.

Wow, thanks for all these responses, I really am grateful for all your comments and it's good to know I'm not on my own with regards to OH's lack of interest.

I think the consensus seems to be that I should try talking to him again, which is hard as talking to him about marriage/the wedding is the very problem I'm facing! Ultimately though I need to know for piece of mind that marriage is definitely what he wants and that he didn't propose for the wrong reasons. I don't want you all to think he is a b******, he has stuck by me through some very hard times and I don't know what I'd do without him, that's why I was so happy when he proposed!

I will try to broach the subject this evening and see how it goes.

Thanks again all of you for taking the time to read and respond.

If im honest id be fuming! No matter how much pressure he felt he was under, proposing was HIS decision. I agree with previous posts about needing to sit him down & ask if this is actually what he wants. You should not feel guilty about being excited & wanting to plan your wedding!! Thats what you do when you get engaged. Im suprised by the posts about how many OHs are showing little interest in the planning, my H2B gets as excited as me & wants to talk about it & decide on things. Its his big day as well as mine, i think it would upset me if he left all the planning to me, i want him to show interest. Good luck & let us know how the conversation goes x

Don't know if this would work for you but my OH wants to be truly involved but gets a bit overwhelmed sometimes (we are planning it all in 6 months!) So we set aside "wedding evenings" where we do some focused discussion and planning, then I make sure we keep wedding talk to a minimum outside of these times - I think it's good for both of us really.

I agree with the above poster about wedding evenings!!

However I'm also seeing it from your OH perspective while yes he is out of order and you do need to sit down and discuss if this is what he really wants! 2016 is a long way a way in the grand scheme of things in his eyes he is probably envisioning the next 2years of nothing but wedding talk!

My OH would literally have clawed his eyes out and that prospect we booked with just under 18months to go and he hated me constantly talking about the wedding so I stopped and waited for him to mention it unless i needed him to do something like go give notice!

he has only really become more involved since we passed the 6month to go mark and is now much happier to sit and talk about wedding things more regularly. We still have set days and evening where wedding talk is forbidden just so it doesn't consume the relationship!

Most men are last minute creatures planning and discussing an event 2years or more away is a mystery to them!

You have to remember two things. a. Getting married does not necessarily equate to love and b. not everyone is as bothered about weddings as we think.

What I'm trying to say is, I think he loves you and is happy to spend the rest of his life with you but just isn't as 'excited' about it because maybe the wedding is just a day to him that's special because it means a lot to you. Lots of blokes want to get married, and want marriage i.e. the bit after the wedding, but aren't keen on the wedding i.e. the one day of a lot of attention and pomp.

This.

It's a bit like buying cards. Most guys will see one, like it, buy it and it's job done.

I can leave my fiancee to shop for a card whilst I do the entire shopping.

2 years of wedding talk can take the edge right off for guys and in many cases we don't expect it and we don't know how to deal with it when it happens. This might not be the case with the OP but it is a perspective. Male and female viewpoints and expectations on weddings are vastly different.

What chris said. My OH openly and honestly admitted in a non horrible way that he thought he'd have more time after we got engaged before we started eedding planning. We didn't start for 3 months! I knew he loves me, he 100% wanted to marry me, he just didnt expect engaged to equal wedding so qiick. 18 months we planned for, I wouldnt worry. To me I wouldn't take it personally and he shouldn't get a bashing for it as said above you just need a chat. Even if its just to explain how long the planning actually takes!

OK so we have now had a good long talk about it. Basically his comments on the way home after going for drinks was his idea of a joke and he says he did not mean to upset me. He says he can only think about one big project at a time and at the moment his priority is renovating the house, that he is excited about marrying me and has absolutely no regrets about proposing to me in October. He said there's no way he'd propose if he didn't want to, I know this too well as he can be stubborn and rarely does things just because I say so! He says he is looking forward to planning wedding stuff together but just isn't prepared to think about what he calls 'details' right now as it's too early.

We have agreed that we will start looking at some venues this year together and maybe book if we find the right place that will take a booking for 2016. Once that's in the bag all our energy is going into the house until about a year before our date. I am happy with this compromise but can't promise to stay away from hitched as I still need my fix!

I feel so much better now so thanks to everyone!