Urgently needed: Thicker skin!!! Invites sent and problems already!

Thats awful!! im not surprised you are shaking with anger, i would be steaming!! i would be tempted to reply on facebook saying feel free but she would look a bit of a plonker when she turns up and theres no place for her!

Failing that, could your oh have a quiet word saying the numbers are very tight and she is welcome to the evening - assuming you want that of course.

It really annoys me when ppl use fb like that xx

Its nasty vicious and underhanded.

OH should step in and say if you had a problem then you should have discussed it with me.

I hate Facebook for that reason. It allows cowards to be nasty and say things they wouldn't dare to your face.

Prick. I'd be sorely tempted to tell him that as he doesn't party on his own you'll be happy to take his space and give it to someone else! Probably best to try and calm down, and then get OH to have a word about your tight numbers, and tell him to remove his comment on facebook.

I don't think there are many of us here who wouldn't have been as angry and upset as you. Whatever the cousin's feelings, the way he has dealt with it is atrocious, when there are any number of other ways he could have voiced his issue. Childish and Selfish, and not someone I would want to have at my wedding - regardless of whether I had space for 30 or 300.

Don't worry about anyone else - if people make that sort of a fuss, they're not worthy of your hospitality and love. Those that are worthy, will be unlikely to kick up a fuss.

Tell him to go do one.

What a lovely guy he is! He obviously has some maturing to do so maybe he's too young to party at all!

Don't rise to it & respond in a bad way. I would be sorely tempted to post a really sickly, almost, apologetic reply along the lines of...I'm so sorry Bob (or whatever his name is), we certainly didnt mean to offend or upset you. We didnt realise you had a girlfriend, however, we really do have limited numbers for our venue so unfortunately are unable to invite her to this family occasion. I'm sure Charlotte understands & we look forward to meeting her very soon, if you feel unable to attend without her, we understand but you will be missed. (not!)

Uuurrgghh I would be too tempted to tell him to bloody stay at home after that....

What a *** of a coward! He would never say that to your face. Again, I'd be tempted to withdraw the invitation altogether!!

*Picks jaw off the floor*

What a complete plonker! What does he get out of doing that? A few likes? If he had approached you nicely you could have explained you didn't realise and may have been able to juggle numbers. Doing it like this there is no way I would invite her! Plus he's a cousin so not even close family - why should he get a plus one?!

We had the rule from the start that if one of us haven't met them (i.e. the other partner's side of the family) then they're not invited. I've not met any family from one side of my OH's family in the nearly 5 years we've been together therefore they obviously don't care enough to attend our wedding Simple as that.

I hope you feel better now time has gone on a bit.

What a knobber! I'd be fuming!

I'd be withdrawing his invitation and be tempted to tell him your not inviting strangers to your wedding!

How rude! I've not sent mine yet, but my uncle asked if he had a plus one. I said his son is invited (9 yrs old) but there isn't room for a plus one. When I said I didn't even know he had a girlfriend and he said they'd been together months! They've since broken up and he's got a new gf now! Lol!

I would get your oh to have a word. Xx

Wow! Tell the cousin to get f**ked and the girlfriend most certainly isn't invited, and if hes so offended then perhaps he should stay at home too.

You have every right to be upset, he dealt with that in such an immature manner. Absolutely shocking! People who make digs on FB really annoy me.

At the end of the day it's your wedding. You invite who you want. I'm having a small-ish wedding with 60 people during the day and only another 25 in the evening. I'm mentally preparing for a bit of a backlash, but I'm sticking to my guns.

Don't let this person get to you. Maybe ask your OH to have a word with him about how he's behaved and how much of a diva he's being. It's not his day, it's yours.

x

The whole +1 thing is a minefield isn't it - and can make a HUGE difference to numbers.

When I had been only seeing H2B for a few days (!), one of his colleagues was getting married and he had been invited to the evening reception. He asked her if he could bring a +1 at the last minute, and I was lucky enough that she said yes. Of course, I would have understood had she said there wasn't room, or that because we had only been together a very short while that she would prefer not.

Because I felt so welcome, and it was a lovely way to start getting to know H2Bs friends, we decided that where possible we would include +1s on our invites. After all, we had benefitted from it in the past, and now look at us! My thinking was that for the cost of a fish finger sarnie, or whatever we are having for the evening food, we could run to the extra (and are lucky to be in that position to be able to do so). However, if you have, say 10 cousins, and 30 work colleagues, chances are, you've not really met most of their other halves.....and all of a sudden your 40 additional evening guests have turned into 80!

We are allowed 130 at our evening do....but because of my lovely idea to invite +1s, we have 165 on the invite list......I'm just hoping that some people will be unable to make it, otherwise we will be sneaking people in through the back door on the night and hoping there is no headcount by the venue!!!

I still think you are right to stick to your guns. Do not bow to pressure of this, or any other sort. It is YOUR day.

I would be fuming too. He could have at least spoken to you in private to ask. I would be inclined to reply and say that if he doesn't 'party on his own' then he doesn't have to come.

What a horrible person! I would deffo be telling him if he isn't happy coming on his own then he isn't coming at all! To be honest you should take back his invite! Vile man doesn't deserve to be there with that attitude! X

Yeah, I agree that you should take back his invite. I think given how he's publicly embarrassed you, you have every right to. People need to learn that passive-aggressive facebooking doesn't always get you what you want.

Why do weddings bring out the worst in people. I was pregnant and been with my partner 2 years and didn't get invited. I wasn't offended, I'd never even heard of the bride and groom! And you've seen him once in 3 years. LOL literally people need to get over themselves, not exactly about them is it

I'm going to play a little devil's advocate here, but first can I say I do not condone what this cousin has done in any way, shape or form, but......if "Charlotte" has been his GF for 18 months then surely his FB page shows he's in a relationship etc, you and/or your OH are clearly FB friends with him so how come you didn't know he had this girlfriend.... Or you went snooping his FB page after someone alerted you to what he'd done.... Basically what I'm trying to outline is how FB can twist things and make them a lot worse and you need to be careful not to make it worse still as there is maybe an element of you should have known Charlotte existed and then perhaps handled the tight numbers thing a bit differently. On one hand you're saying you've not seen or had anything to do with this cousin for three years, but then days after you issue your invitations you're seeing his status updates. Just tryin to show the possible holes.

We know that numbers can be tight but that's because we're organising our weddings, others are likely blissfully unaware and need some pointers and is it unreasonable to expect a GF of 18 months to be invited to the same thing as her BF? The jury's out on that as we all have different views.

So after considering how you found out about the status but not knowing he had a GF, you can then think of how to handle. I do think your OH needs to speak with him. Retalliation via FB just compounds things. If he doesn't want to come without her then he needs to be advised he must decline the invitation, perhaps they'd both prefer to come together to the evening do.

Sorry if that ruffles any feathers, but just thought it worth pointing out the possible flaws that might make things more difficult for you.x

Not everyone advertises their relationship on Facebook though. I have lots of friends that don't have any relationship status down at all when I know they are in relationships. And even if they do, if you miss the initial 'x is now in a relationship with y' update, you would then have to go onto their profile and into their 'about' section to find out. And what if OP has this cousin's updates hidden? Lots of my family are frankly a bit tedious and in some cases borderline racist on Facebook, but I know unfriending them would cause offence, so I just keep them hidden from my news feed and everyone's happy.

TL;DR: you can't be expected to know everything just by virtue of being friends on Facebook.

I COMPLETELY AGREE.

Family politics are difficult enough without people being nasty on FB, after-all a lot of brides nowadays have to work to tight budgets (global recession etc) so really the cousin should have been far more understanding.

His attitude and the way he went about it is downright rude.

I had a similar convo yesterday with my sister on +1s. Two cousins (brothers) both have gfs 1 for several years - and i've met her. One several months and i haven't. I am inviting both. Then we have other cousins (sisters) one has a bf, serious - they live together, the other is 'sorta, kinda' seeing someone. So i'm inviting one (i've met) and not the other (never even heard of til my sister mentioed it) other. My sister thinks i am wrong, but i think if i've not met them and they could well be off again by then why should i have some randomer there.... but that's off the point.

You don't need thicker skin, people just need to stop being idiots and using facebook the wrong way. What a tool.

This post really confused me because I thought CrazyRatLady got married....

But agree with others, his cousin is a massive tw*tbadger who would have his invitation revoked immediately.

"We want our marriage celebrations to be filled with happiness, joy and genuine love for all around us. We do not wish to invite anyone who feels so little love (or even fondness) for us that they are willing to engage in immature passive-aggressive b*llshit in an attempt to publicly humiliate us. Please consider yourself uninvited."

I too was confused for a while. We have a crazy cat and a crazyrat..

I can see where Pammy's coming from, BUT he's still a huge tool and I don't blame you if you don't want him there after this drama.

If i were you I wouldn't do anything on FB - I think that might not go down well with the future in-laws (despite being completely justified).

I'd say call him up explain the situation and tell him that you've taken both him and his girl of the list as he isn't willing to come on his own.

What a plonker!

Thank you to everyone for your replies. I've been sneakily checking them whilst in work today!

I'm so glad that I'm not on my own in thinking his behaviour is absolutely disgusting. If someone on 'my side' acted in that way, I would be so ashamed. Sadly, the response of the family seems to be "Oh well, that's just what he's like, ignore him. Everyone is on your side anyway" - how can people let people get away with acting like such a spoilt brat?!?!

Part of me wanted to comment back to his status that "We didn't invite your girlfriend because you've previously had so many girlfriends at the same time, that we just didn't know which one you'd want to bring!" Another part of me almost wanted to just say "Fine, bring her!" because I hate confrontation so much and I've had a horrible churny feeling in my stomach all day

In response to Pammy67 -

"if "Charlotte" has been his GF for 18 months then surely his FB page shows he's in a relationship etc, you and/or your OH are clearly FB friends with him so how come you didn't know he had this girlfriend...."

Actually, I checked this, and his FB page doesn't show he's in a relationship. He doesn't even have any pictures with this girl, so there is nothing to suggest on a first glance that he is with anybody.

"On one hand you're saying you've not seen or had anything to do with this cousin for three years, but then days after you issue your invitations you're seeing his status updates. Just tryin to show the possible holes."

I don't actually have him on FB, it's my OH who does, and he was alerted to the status by his dad. I had a little snoop, and the cousin doesn't actually post much on FB at all and, as I said, nothing at all about his GF.

Sorry - I don't know how to do the actual quote thing on here!

My OH has now spoken to the cousin and basically said he was out of order putting that on facebook. We are limited on numbers but she can come to the evening if she wants. We genuinely didn't know he had a girlfriend but even if spaces freed up, they would go to my uncles before they would go to strangers. I doubt they will come.

I would write a very blunt message back telling him where to shove it and invite your uncles instead lol

me and OH have been together 7 years and have kids and he STILL doesnt get +1's (we have had 4 where we where both invited out of about 20) we only attended 2 as 1 was too far and the other we actually didnt know the couple (very distant family) and we just dont attend the rest (they are painfully impractical to our life) and let them use that space for someone else

Im also not planning to invite my dads gf of 7 years as he due an upgrade and I dont want to look back at some woman I met once a think why was she there lol (he switches girlfriends every 8 or so years)

Just checking. Did you divvy up invitations by number? How come he gets as far out as cousins while you have to leave uncles out? Wouldn't it be more appropriate to go with family hierarchies?

I have a massive family but we didn't consider the imbalance. ALL aunties and uncles were invited (on both sides, with me in excess) and some cousins (mine, but Boy is closer to them than his own).

I fully get your upset we have had similar and only sent the save the dates out!

We have said we are limited on numbers therefore unless they say plus ones then it's no plus one's until we send invites out and get some refusals back then it will be first come first serve request to us.

I've already had backlash from friends and family - one friend stated she didn't like our rule therefore her rule was she didn't want to come (she's single) and my mum tried prodding about my cousin's other half (from my aunties request), when I explained the rule my mum said oh I don't think she will come then......I think she was trying to get a reaction out of me - my response was well I haven't seen her in 10 years so if she doesn't want to she doesn't have to come!

Plus ones are a minefield and it's frustrating and annoying as people don't realise the stress and upset it causes!

To be fair to him, my OH is closer to his extended family because they are much smaller. He only has one uncle and two aunties whereas I have six uncles and four aunties. He only has 7 cousins, whereas I have 35. Once you add in the wives/husbands/partners of the uncles and aunties that's 20 on my side but only 6 on his side. My family is just much bigger so there was no way we could have done it any other way. I am totally fine with how it has been divided up as we agreed that any spare day invites will go to my family.

Ive joined this rather late it seems but he is totally out of order. My cousin apparently has a gf at the moment, I only know this as I asked my Nana. He is not getting a plus one. I have never met her plus based on his previous relationships he is unlikely to be with her when our wedding date comes round. You have every right to invite whoever you want. I'm so glad you didn't give up and just invite her anyway. That way he would have gotten what he wants by being spiteful and selfish. I personally wouldn't even want him coming after comments like that. Good luck and try to focus on how amazing your day will be x