Urgh. Does this make me a horrible step-parent?

Do you normally take AJ on other holidays?

Is taking AJ out of school for a holiday out of the question? (sorry I can't remember how old he is.) Is it worth speaking to his teachers about it anyway? And at least that way you can tell him you did ask but it wasn't a good idea to miss so much school?

I'm not sure it makes you a horrible step parent, but would it make WTP feel awful? Does AJ normally go away with you?

Would Eurodisney be an option?

FWIW, it's not a decision I'd be wanting to make, I'd be all over the place with guilt/mixed feelings/knowing I'm right/knowing I'm wrong.......

EuroDisney isn't really an option, I want WEATHER!! I know what you mean, but we've taken him there twice and it was bloody expensive for 3 days stay (almost 1/2 what I'm looking at for 2 weeks in Florida!)

Yes, we usually plan our holidays for times where we have AJ, or else try & make the arrangement so that he's with us, if it's not shiftable (for example, we asked J to swap weeks one Easter so he could come to Louisiana as WTP was working that week over there) His mum goes on holiday without him, or at least has done the past 2 years; Spain with her mates last year, and Portugal this. last year she took him to Malawi, this year, he got a day out at Alton Towers. We went to PIL caravan for one of the weeks he was with us; we haven't been anywhere else this year. Last year, we booked holidays in Devon & France when we knew he was going to be with us, so yes, he is normally included.

Does that make it worse or better?? We've started having days out with the girls without him, purely because of the weather havign been so bloody awful, we seize the opportunities. That's not to say that if the weather is good when he's with us, we stay in - we go out then too!

Taking him out of school is NOT an option - we don't believe in it and his mother wouldn't allow it anyway.

I don't think you're a horrible step parent, for the fact that you're thinking twice about this.

Has AJ had these sorts of holidays with you and WTP before? I ask from the point of view of the step-child. When my mother and step-father stared taking away my much younger step sister to Disney, California, San Francisco etc I was horribly upset. Part of the problem was that they had never offered to take me anywhere (a weekend in Devon was about it). I'd never had the opportunity to spend that much time with them, in a foreign country. I felt like they loved her more - it wasn't very nice at all.

You know AJ best - do you think he'll be upset/hurt/jealous?

We haven't had these sort of hols with AJ or the girls, really - when we were more comfortable financially, he wasn't allowed to be with us, so we couldn't take him anywhere. I feel like this is sort of the last opp. I have to do it on the cheap, because Evie will be starting school, and then if we go in school holidays, of course we would make it when AJ's holidays are and take him too.

He's steady Eddie. Nothing much seems to phase him, so I don't think it would bother him - after all, he is the one with two birthdays and two Christmases!! ?

We are going to florida in 2010 just after my eldest finishes his GCSEs. We are taking my youngest & my OHs 2 kids out of school for a fortnight. We cant afford to go in the school hols & we couldnt leave any of them at home.

Why would you have to exclude AJ if it was in school time? Could you not book it with the school?

It's a toughie. On the one hand I don't think that he should necessarily dictate your holidays with your girls. On the other, I naturally think back to how I felt as a child being excluded from family holidays. Gah.

Could WTP maybe sit down with him for a chat about it? Test the water? Could WTP take him away for a few days somewhere in the summer for some father/son stuff as a consolation?

My thinking is that the odd day trip here and there is different to a trip to Disney in America.

If I'm being honest, my overriding feeling is that if you're taking the girls then AJ should go too. I obviously don't know all the ins and outs of the whole thing, but I can imagine being the little boy at home while Daddy takes the girls to meet Mickey and Co. isn't going to be the best feeling in the world.

I don't envy you, dude, you're a fab stepmum and the fact you're even thinking about all the options shows that ?

The school isn't the problem, really. His mother is!! ?

Do you think pointing out to him that he's been to Africa and the girls haven't would help? ?

Thank you for replying. I know it's a hideous decision, and I am torn, which is why I wanted the thoughts of the people of Hitched.

If it makes a difference, the actual time with us that he would be missing out on would be one weekend, as he's with his mother the rest of the time anyway. Dammit, now it just sounds like I'm wanting you to agree with me ? I guess it's the knowing where we were that weekend that would be the hard thing for him.

Cheers m'dears. Food for thought anyway.

It sounds more callous than I mean it, but if he can't come on this holiday, is there any way you could purchase something of high value, explain to him that as he can't come out of school for the trip, this is his 'trip'? Or is that a crud suggestion?

Headteachers have to authorise time off school and won't do it just because holidays are cheaper during term time. There has to be a good reason (funeral, etc.) or educational value to the trip for it to be authorised. If the headteacher does not authorise it and the holiday is still taken, then the child is considered as truanting and the parents can be prosecuted. What will be authorised gets reduced the older the child gets. I had to refuse a Y11 student a week off school to go on an exchange trip to France last year because he wanted the last week in school before GCSEs. Although the trip had educational merit, the head wouldn't let him go.

Mmmm. Difficult. I don't think you're a horrible SP, if you were you wouldn't even be thinking about this would you?

I'm not sure I could leave him behind though. I'd keep thinking of his sad little face, thinking of his sisters living it up in Disneyland while he tucked into his spaghetti hoops ?

I reckon being a step parent must be ***. Big hugs xx

No, it doesn't make you a horrible step-parent x

I do think though that whilst your reasoning is sound, however you might try and justify it, there's a young lad who will be left behind whilst his dad, step mum and half sisters go for a trip of a lifetime.

That sounds snippy, it's really not meant to be, I'm just tired and can't word things properly!

Really tricky situation - personally I'd be leaving it a couple of years until maybe/hopefully things weren't so tight with money and go with the whole family. Or you take him out of school.....

I must also be a horrible step-parent in that case then! We went on holiday this summer without my step daughters (to Portugal, not Disneyland), during school holidays. Several reasons, finances being one, but there were others.

I didn't feel particularly guilty about it either - my children get the same spent on them at Christmas and birthdays as my step daughters do, but then my step daughters go home and have Christmas and birthday all over again.

I always try to be fair, but I also think that sometimes by trying to be fair to my step children, my own children lose out. Being a step parent is a really, really hard job!

Is the ex a reasonable person (not a luxury I enjoy!) - could you explain the situation to her so that at least if you do go away without him you have her support should he question it, rather than her stirring things up with stepson?

No, she is not a reasonable person. And I feel the same way as you over Christmas - mental. Having said that, I don't think a mountain of "stuff" can in any way make up for not seeing your dad every day, much as the ex might think it does.

Just looking at flights only to California - out of hols is about 1k cheaper than at Easter. Fecks sake.

Thanks again, all. It's good to hear other ideas.

I don't envy your decision at all. I don't think there's a good solution to that one.

How old is AJ now? Would he still be at the right age to enjoy Disney?

When you say £1K cheaper, is that taking into account having to pay for AJs flights too?

Could you compromise? Take him out of school for just a couple of days at one or other end of the holiday - to take you out of the really expensive flight fare times?

Is there any ground in talking to his mum about a reduction in maintenance for a few weeks to help address the shortfall?

I wouldn't go without him, to be it sounds mean, though I take on board the fact that he gets more materially.

Despite that he is "worse off" unlike your girls, his life is split between two places, I don't know how close you all live but: the things he wants to play with may often be in the wrong place, he might want to see friends who live near the other home etc, your girls don't and won't have this. Most importantly your girls have the one thing he will never have: all the people they love best together doing days out, holidays and just normal day to day living.....

I don't know the cost difference between California and Florida, does having free accomodation make up for the more expense flights?

I completely understand your reasoning and if it were a holiday to France/Portugal or whatever I'd say go for it. But like the others have said-this is a holiday of a lifetime.

I want to take Grace to Euro Disney (can't stretch to Florida ?) but we can't at the moment because we can't afford to take S-Kids out of term time. Going without them isn't an option. It's somewhere they would never go to with their mom and I couldn't justify leaving them out however hard I tried.

Being a step parent is the pits at times like this, especially as ultimately it's my little girl that misses out (not that I've told her ?).

I'll preface all this by saying I think you're a wonderful step-mother- heroic even- so that's not an issue at all. However, in your shoes, I don't think I'd go to California with just the girls- if he normally comes on holiday with you, I can't see how he'd feel anything other than hurt and excluded to be left behind, especially as it's a trip of a lifetime not just any old holiday. Even if he's a stoic about such things, it doesn't mean he doesn't feel it deeply (in fact, I'd be less worried with a boy whom I knew would make his feelings known). I also think it would spoil your and C's enjoyment of the trip because you'd always be worrying whether you'd done the right thing.

If there's no way you can all go together, I'd think about either postponing the trip until you can afford it or else splitting the two elements into two separate holidays, doing a weekend at eurodisney and a week somewhere sunny (but cheaper than California)- would that work?

I can imagine how frustrating it must be. FWIW neither Florida nor California has guaranteed sun ?

[evil] If you invite him but then his mother says he can't go because it's school time then it's not your fault and you can go wih a clear(ish) conscience [/evil]

For all the reasons everyone else has already mentioned, I wouldn't do it.

If it really is the holiday of a lifetime, it can wait. I'd say the girls were too young to really appreciate Disneyland at the moment anyway.

And, FWIW, I think you've been an inspirational SP over the years.

Hey LTP,

I'm loving the way people are suggesting talking to the ex or taking a cut out of her maintenance to phelp pay for the trip. Like those are options ?

I'm pretty sure AJ is of an age where he will know he is missing out on such a huge trip so my suggestion would be to cut back on Christmas & birthday presents and try and save so you can take him to. It's such a PITA but I can't imagine how WTP would feel, or you for that matter if he does miss out.

It's such a crock though, we've had to miss out on big trips because we can't afford to pay for going during school holiday times. There is no reasoning with the ex to change dates etc so we miss out on swimming with dolphins and enjoy a week in Spain instead. MrKB and I did manage a week away this summer, by ourselves, whilst it was great we honestly didn't know what to do with ourselves as it had been such a long time we'd holidayed without the girls for.

I don't envy you.

I really don't think you should do this- it's horribly mean to AJ and also very unfair on his mother to be made the bad guy. The issue is AJ's feelings, not parents scoring points.

(Sorry if you weren't being serious, Zoay)

I don't think she should do it either. ?

Taking him out of school is not an option.

Negotiation with his mother is not an option.

the 1k difference was including his flight, w/k of Easter & w/k in beginning May, just to compare.

Meh. I guess it will have to wait.

Thanks again, all of you.

Tough decision Lilster. It's a shame his mum couldn't/wouldn't help out in anyway. How old are the girls now? <trying to see the positives> it may be best to wait until they're a little bit older for them to really enjoy Disney Land.

LTP, I feel your pain a little bit because (and I feel guilty admitting this) when niece moved in and it meant we couldn't really do term time holidays anymore, I felt resentful of the places Claude wouldn't get to go because of the extra expense (had planned to do the Maldives again before she started school; no chance now!). I was also disappointed that out September holiday had to be moved to Oct half term, particularly as we forked out extra money for what will be far worse weather! Niece also goes away with her dad and her Grandparents several times a year, so although they are British holidays, C will never get so many.

But...and it's a big but...I couldn't look her in the eye knowing we were going without her. She's a part of the household now and I'd feel terrible leaving her behind. I try to treat her as I would C in everything I do - I don't know how to parent otherwise - and to not do so for the sake of money would sit on my conscience for a very long time.

I think you're a good stepmum for just asking the question, tbh. A bad one would have booked it and waved the tickets in his face.

Just on the idea of waiting...we went to Disney (Florida) when I was 8, and my brother was 5. My brother hates the fact that he's been but he can't remember it, and I only have vague memories. For this reason, I'm planning on waiting til my 2 are 9 or 10 before going. Perhaps the girls might feel the same in years to come and be pleased that you had to wait?

(My sister was 15 when we went and sulked the whole time, she would have preferred, at that stage, to stay at home - so wait a few years, you might find AJ won't want to come then ?)

Hmmm, bit of a sore point for me. When i was 13, I started boarding school. My parents took my sister to the Florida Disney world and didn't want to take me out of school. I'm still upset about it, despite the fact they took me back 3 years later (16, reeaaaally wasn't interested in the big mouse thing, but still hurt that they went off without me)

No experience of step families, but I think if you normally holiday as a family, then you should keep to it. Sorry.