Venting everything - sorry

I don't have anything majorly helpful to say, I just didn't want to not reply after reading your thread.

I'm really sorry to hear about your Mum and I hope you get your wish to have her at your wedding.

All that you need for your wedding is you and your OH and the people you want to be around you. You don't need the frills, the fancy table plans, the poofy dresses or the silly favours (that only your FMIL keeps on display and almost everyone else leaves on the table ?). Do what's important to you - which could be as simple as going to the registry office and having your Mum as a witness.

Tell people how you feel if they start pressuring you - then they shouldn't put expectations on you to do things a certain way or act happy when you're not. Hopefully when things start to come together and your Mum gets to see it you might feel a bit more positive about it though?

Good luck *hugs*

Thanks mooshy (great name by the way).

You're right and I do know that - I'm just having a down day about it all. I do know it's not about the little bits but the actual marriage part and the people there: it's just I like all that other 'stuff' even though no-one remembers those bits anyway!

Ha! You're so right the favours do get left on the table. My future grandmother and mother in law can make their own bloody lace wrapped favours is they want one so much! To be fair though everyone's been nice about our decisions so far, even our getting married in a pub!

Thanks again

Hi Sophie,

Didn't want to not post as I'm in a really similar situation to you: mum diagnosed with terminal cancer in October, wedding arranged for April, my OH thinking we'd have a lot longer to ponder the wedding question (while we were engaged we'd always said we'd wait a couple of years before actually getting married). I'm totally devestated about my mum's diagnosis and a lot of the time just can't cope with the thought that she might not be there. At the same time there's a bit of me that's resentful that I'm not getting 2 years to plan all the decorations/invites etc and go on the wedding diet of the century. Wedding dress shopping was just so sad as my mum couldn't be there and I ended up going alone.. also had to choose a dress in a rush to get it in time and now worried its the wrong one.

Also, really scared that I'm being selfish: I do want to get married soon so my mum can be there but there's so much focus on what she'll be wearing, who's looking after her, her health etc that sometimes I wonder if this is the right decision? (she's not actually that bothered about seeing me get married... its more that I can't imagine my own wedding without her)

Anyway, sorry for rambling on about my situation but if you do need a rant drop me a message. Really sorry that you're going through this as well

xx

First things first, it is so wonderful that your Mum is getting to be part of the planning and you won't ever regret doing it in a short amount of time.

Your partner sounds like mine and lots of others too - not saying he doesn't want to be with you, just scared of the wedding. So it makes it more exciting that he's agreed to getting married. Mine was the sane and the only way he would do it is if we had a short engagement so from the date we booked the venue to our wedding day there was 5 months. That's not much longer than you have and we found it was plenty of time to plan everything. It actually makes you really focussed on what you do and don't want. The only issue I had was the wedding dress. I've dreamt of getting my wedding dress for years but we had to rush round and was under pressure to get it. In the end though it really didn't matter on the day. We also found that rather than having a year or so of planning on and off we had a really intense couple of months which meant at the end of it all we were so pleased with how it went.

Hitched is a great forum but don't get bogged down with other peoples plans. There are some people on here and that I know that plan their wedding over a few years and have ages to spend on each detail. We couldn't do that but were really pleased at how things turned out for us. No-one has a perfect wedding (they may think they did!) but nothing is perfect. Things weren't perfect on our day but it was all the little quirks that made it so memorable. We wanted our wedding to be about us and have personality and it certainly did that.

You are being very brave and it is good you can come to places like this and let it all out. I'm sure your guests will just admire what you're doing and anything else is a bonus. When I look back on our wedding (it was this summer) it isn't the table plan or when the invites went out I think about it's the memories from the day x

I have many of the same feelings. I had always imagined spending lots of time enjoying planning my wedding, but my sister has terminal cancer and I desperately want her to be my bridesmaid so I'm planning my wedding in five months. I had always thought I'd go in several dress shopping expeditions (with my super fashion conscious sister) but I ended up finding a dress (albeit a gorgeous dress that I love) after one hour in one shop with my mum (who is lovely but hates shopping). It's not the experience I thought it would be and I feel really selfish for the moments I have when I feel annoyed about it. We are still in the process of setting a date - need to coordinate with church and reception venue, and I'm panicking that I'll then struggle to get the photographer I want, the florist I want etc etc.

But at the end of the day, the most important thing is that my sister will still be well enough to be my bridesmaid (please God) and I will be married to the most amazing man in the world, just a little sooner than expected.

It is nice to know I'm not the only one planning a wedding with a terminally ill relative. It's a bittersweet situation but I know that getting involved in the planning and looking forward to the wedding is really helping my sister at the moment.

I didn't want to read and run. Your wedding is a perfect reminder to.all.of us that it's not about the perfect seating plan , the favours ( ps your idea is a.great idea - we get married the week before Easter on the 9th what's your date???) It's not about the food or the dress or the entertainment it's about you and your oh being around people that mean the world to.you. I am sure you're wedding will be just perfect . IF ( which I'm sure you won't ) you feel like it's not everything you wanted maybe on your one year anniversary or something you could have a blessing so you can feed that craving of frills

I am so sorry to hear about your mum but I am.sure having this.to look forward to.is giving her the biggest smile right now xxx

( ps sorry about all the typos still getting used to this kindle )

I'm so sorry to you and the other posters in a similar situation who are going through this. It's only going to be natural to feel stressed and confused and upset and if it helps to talk about it on here please keep doing it! From a practical point of view there's still tons of time to sort things like invites and table plans. I know a lot of people start these things quite early but you don't need to. You can still achieve lots in the time you have until April. If theres any help you need with ideas/good websites/quick and easy ways to do things there are lots of hitchers here with lots of good advice! Your day will still be incredibly special, and I'm sure you'll get everything sorted

I'm so sorry to hear you're in this position, and its totally understandable that you are going through every emotion possible and feeling stressed. Every time I get overwhelmed about our wedding, I just think 'I'm so looking forward to marrying that man and spending the rest if our lives together' and it makes all the other pressure drop away. That is all that matters at the end if it - that and for you, having your mum there for your big day. Maybe just try to involve your mum in small ways in the run up, consulting her on stuff that doesn't require physical effort etc - and some florists will come to your house with their book for you to choose from, so she could join in on things like that.

Don't worry about a seating plan - just plan your family table and tell everyone else to sit where they like, that's what we're doing, avoids loads of stress!

Take care of your OH in the run-up too, though, if he has reservations, you need to be careful he's involved but not overwhelmed too - when we got engaged my boyfriend was a bit shocked when I said I wanted to get married next year, and it took him a few days to get his head around it, and he is still getting nervous about the day itself, but we talk about it, and plan stuff together so he doesn't feel the train is running away without him!

I lost my dad to a brain tumour three years ago and I'd do anything to have him there on my big day. I really hope your mum is well enough to enjoy it, but don't feel guilty for getting stressed or feeling selfish at times - it's your brains way of coping with an incredibly hard situation. Take care, and ask all us Hitchers for help on finding things if you're stuck xxxx

Hi Sophie

FWIW I love edible favours that you don't need to worry what to do with!

I'm so sorry that you are having so much pressure put on you - your in laws should be the people who understand, and I bet the people you really want there (your friends) do.

Many hugs to you - my father had terminal cancer but passed away from something else...that was 3 years ago. Could you just have a smaller wedding with your Mum and perhaps a blessing/reception later? It sounds like you need some time off from wedding, even just a weekend. Remember that your wedding is one day, but your marriage is for a lifetime. AND if you don't want seating plans, or X tradition, you don't have to. You can have whatever you want and completely buck tradition if you want - try offbeatbride.com for some crazy inspiration. I want to high-five my husband instead of kiss him at 'you may now high-five the bride'!

You have the important bits - legal bit and venue sorted - the rest is just details and only happen should you want them.

Don't let anyone else's suggestions bother you - or be scared of venting here! I love the Creme Egg favour idea - yum!

xx

I'm so overwhelmed by all your lovely messages - thank you so much.

I'm in a pub so can't be too antisocial with a full reply but I will reply properly later but just wanted to say thank you all, you have cheered me up

Big love to you all, especially those in similar situations

Xxx

I can't say much more than others said. Sorry that this is happening to you, and just try and enjoy every moment you have with your mum, and s0d everyone else!

As for edible favours, we had M&Ms in jars and everyone LOVED them, with most people eating them before the meal. So tell other people to do one, and just do what you want!

I have nothing to add other than my best wishes to you and all the other hitchers coping with additional pressures. I really hope that your day turns out to be wonderful and so much more than you hoped for, big hugs to you all.

I'd be well chuffed with a creme egg at a wedding!

Hello!

I'm back from the pub so can answer properly. Again, thank you for all the lovely messages.

To the lady who has a Mum in a similar situation although your Mum may say she's not that bothered I bet she is really and is feeling proud and happy for you.

For the lady who has a terminally ill sister - I can't imagine what that must be like. My Mum is only 61 which is unfair but your sister is far too young for that. I bet she's really really happy to be a part of your wedding.

To everyone is who has a terminally ill relative WE CAN DO IT and they and we will love it and it will be worth it.

To the person who said they feel guilty - I know what you mean. I'm rushing a wedding for me as I want my Mum there which I suppose is quite selfish but she'll enjoy it too. I did check with my sisters and Dad before planning the date to check it was appropriate and everyone said it's great to have something to look forward to. Quite soon after I found out about my Mum I was thinking about getting married so my Mum would be there (felt like a self absorbed doosh bag for even thinking that instead of just being upset for my Mum) and also started reading up on maternity pay to see if I could try and have a baby she could meet! I've not done the trying for the baby one as that's just too much for Steve! Both quite self absorded thoughts but understandable thoughts I think - don't feel guilty, it's just human nature to want to do things for you sometimes.

I think for me I'm just going through a bad phase - I just can't stop crying at the moment about my Mum. I was crying on the cross trainer at the gym yesterday, crying at the pub today whilst everyone else was having a normal conversation - it's embarrassing! I'm not a particularly emotional person and I'm very private so find it hard to be honest with my friends about how I'm feeling.

I'm glad my cadbury's creme eggs have the thumbs up! Easy and yummy - I might try and make that the sort of motto for my wedding!

I'm very lucky in that my parents are paying so I'm fortunate that I don't have a very tight budget so it has made things easier. I know I could just go to a registry office with just a few people but I don't personally want to. I want everyone to be there and just have a nice time. We're trying to be sensible with our choices e.g. booked a venue we can get married in and have the reception in so don't need to worry about transport, ordering in tables etc as it's all already there. It was just coming on this website that put me over the wedding edge yesterday - I saw all the forums and then made the mistake of going on the 'to do list' thing and got overwhelmed. But... I don't have to have everything on the to-do list and that is fine and I just need to realise that fully.

I have got time left to plan stuff but I don't want to spend all my spare time planning it. My Mum lives a few hours away so I go home most weekends (not getting married near my parents) and I work long hours and have a long commute so just don't have the time or energy in the evenings.

My Mum isn't really interested in helping plan the wedding. She's too tired and knows that I'm very fussy so have my own ideas of what I want for things. I do talk to her about it but she doesn't want to be more involved than hearing about what I've already decided on. I did bring my wedding dress home over xmas to try on as she didn't see it in the shop and that was nice. She did let out a bit of a clanger the other week when I was researching a hotel for her and my dad to stay in (very important that it's as near as possible so she can go rest if she needs to) and I was just looking around after having probably found the nearest and she got a bit annoyed that I was carrying on looking and said "I am ill you know". I wanted to say "I know you're bloody ill that's why I'm getting married so soon so you can bloody be there" but I didn't, I just pretended I didn't hear. The next day when I mentioned origami flowers (she likes real flowers) she did the same thing but this time "I have a tumour you know". Again I pretended I didn't hear. That may sound like she does want to be involved but she definitely doesn't, she just doesn't like paper flowers but doesn't mind what we do really. After her diagnosis and before we got engaged she kept going on about how she wouldn't mind if i came home and told her I'd got married on the way home from going to the butcher. No idea what a butcher has to do with it but I know she just wants me to be happy which is lovely.

I'm quite good at saying no to other people's opinions. My future MIL is a keen crafter and has very different taste to me - she offered to make the invites (very lovely offer) but I very politely pointed out that as I used to be a graphic designer and have made wedding stationery for friends in the past that I'd like to do it myself. I think she was a bit disappointed but I am bloody fussy over graphics. I have asked her to make the origami bouquets though (I'll pick the paper and shapes) so she's involved and obviously it will save me a lot of time too. It's a family politics nightmare. I put my foot right in it when we had Steve's parents over. I read the guest list out to them completely forgetting Steve's Dad doesn't speak to his side of the family. We then had an awkward conversation about if he'd like us to add anyone then afterwards he put his headphones in and watched youtube clips for the rest of the evening whilst sat on our sofa! Just thought I'd share that one as it's quite funny really.

My future husband is still scared about everything so he's not very involved in the planning as he'd just get stressed. Obviously I check my decisions with him before I book/order things but I can't give him a lists of tasks to do to help. To be honest I'm a control freak so would probably be more stressed about him doing his 'stuff' properly. God that makes me sound like a super patronising *** - no wonder he's scared of marrying me

That was another rambling message - sorry.

I'm feeling a bit more positive today. I know deep down it will all come together and the little stuff just doesn't matter.

Thanks all xx