Very tricky situation not sure what's right?

You can't control someone's behaviour, he obviously acts differently due to his illness so I don't think you shouldn't not invite him for that reason. Your friend is obviously very keen to go so I would invite him

I can understand why you have concerns, but why you're also worried about voicing them.

It must be really difficult for her, especially as she probably sees more of the good than the bad, meanwhile if you've only met him once and you've had a negative experience it would make you probably a lot more concerned than her. Would you be able to meet with him again before the big day? Maybe you two, them two and a third couple? Also will there be others there that know him? I don't know what situation he's in and what his tendancies are etc but it might make him feel more comfortable if he feels there are a few familiar faces there?

I wonder if your guest is actually concerned about leaving him at home all day on his own? Perhaps he gets anxious about where she is and if she's ok etc? I think you definitely need to voice your concerns in some way to your friend but just ensure you pick the right moment and don't make to big of a deal about it?

Maybe point out that if it gets to the day and he is unwell you don't expect her to ignore that fact to attend the wedding, that you'll be understanding if they can't make it? And maybe also have a chat to her about if he does show any signs etc before getting violent? I'm sure she can understand that you want to help both of them enjoy the day and if you know and understand those signs then you can take steps to diffuse situations or take him out of the situation entirely.

Good Luck, it can be a touchy subject but I think being open and honest with your friend about why you have your concerns is perfectly ok as long as you approach the subject with care! You have to trust that she knows what's best for him and the safety of everyone around him!

There wouldn't be anyone else there that he would know other then his OH. Unfortunately its not really possible to set up a meeting all of our friends are spread all over and they have a long distance relationship.

I tried to speak to her but I think I just bottled it and didn't really get it across very well - I did say to her I know he doesn't like lots of people he doesn't know or big social events etc the response was he coped fine when you met him.....he really didn't ok he didn't hit anyone but not far off - took another friend stepping in to diffuse it by distraction. Hence I'm not sure if she would be realistic about it, she doesn't like "missing out" on things if that makes sense.

I can understand your concerns but I can also see why it must be difficult for her. If she wants to lead a so called 'normal' lifestyle. I would also say that if it's only the last 6 months that he's been having major problems then perhaps she needs time to adjust? How far away is your wedding? Could she have had more time to adjust to his needs by then? Maybe send her an email, that way everythings written down, you can take your time to edit it and make sure you've got everything that you want to say but worded in the right ways?

It's such a tricky situation!!

Hi there, I find this a very interesting post. I myself have a mental health illness and I also work in mental health so I will try and give you any advice that I can.

Firstly, for somebody who hasn't met this OH or know a lot about him you seem to know a lot about his mental health?

Bi-polar is a tricky one, if ill, yes they can be a threat - but mainly to themselves. The percentage of Bi-polar patients wanting to hurt others is low, usually down to self worth and wanting to hurt themselves during their 'low' times.

If and IF he will be on say a 'high' at your wedding, he may talk rubbish (people may think he's tipsy) or may talk lots or be very over enthusiastic.

And he may just be normal, not in any of those moods, just stable. In fact he may even have his meds sorted by then.

For more info I would have a look on Mind website.

HOWEVER I really do think you shouldn't worry about this too much. If you took your room full of guests, you could potentially have another 5-10 people with mental health issues that you may not even know about! From people being depressed, to personality disorders, to undiagnosed illnesses, to addicts. Sorry, I'm not saying that your family and friends do have these problems, you just don't know! Not everyone is open about these things, mainly due to stigma that still lies around mental illness.

There is probably more risk of an uncle getting too drunk and getting a little angry than this guy hurting you or any of your guests. I understand your worry, but don't tip toe around the subject. Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of, and I would approach your friend and firstly let her know you are there for her as a friend and are there for her and her OH and also just mention if he doesn't feel well enough there is no pressure to come along as there may be lots of people and as you said he doesn't like large crowds.

That way the ball is in their court, and I very much doubt either of them would want to deliberately want to hurt you or ruin your wedding. Don't look at his Bi-polar or feel sorry for him at all he is just another human being, so stick to your guns. If he is just invited to the evening then keep to it.

Hope that helped in any way :-)

Thanks for the post it does help.

I know about it as she tells me all about it - I think I am a good ear for her hence knowing so much.

Thank you for the website recomendation will read up on it - maybe my concerns come from hearing only when he is unwell so it makes me irrationally concerned!

I totally agree with charliebob and just to add that you may only hear about the very worst of his illness as your friendl is unlikely to need let off steam when his mental health is more stable. So bear in mind you might not have a balanced perspective on things as really most this info is secondhand

Is your reception in a hotel and would they be likely to stay overnight? If so, he always has the option to retire early if he feels agitated.

Maybe try discussing it with him? Give him the choice of attending all day or just the evening. He's probably the best judge of how the bi-polar affects him in different situations.

I think your concerns are genuine but I think a bipolar patient who is getting treatment will not cause any harm. You should invite him on wedding.

I wouldn't invite him.

He's violent. Whether he's bipolar or just angry, he's violent. The last thing you want on your wedding day is someone who might start a brawl.

This is not about him being bipolar. It is very sad that he's bipolar. However, it is that you do not trust him to behave himself on the day - and with good reason. He has a track record or being violent.

I'd ask if he is on medication/is under control and if possible meet him and speak to him directly about the wedding.

My friend is getting married in August and his best man is Bi-Polar. He has ups and downs and we leave him to it. We know he will want his friend to have a good day and will do everything he can to make the day good.

I guess as you don't know him well, it just depends how much you want your friend to be there really - but do be open with her and if she tries to deny it tell her you need to talk it through. xxx

I'd ignore the ignorant posting on here too - those who have/have dealt with mental illness can assure you that it is NOT usually linked to violence to others.

I think maybe you have lost perspective a little (as we all do at times) and are over thinking this. I don't see how it would be reasonable to exclude the partner of a friend because they are unfortunate enough to suffer from an illness. I can't imagine how that would make your friend feel. If your OH experienced a breakdown or something (hopefully he won't, obviously!), how would you feel if someone took this stance? Or if you later have a child with a disorder of some sort?

As others have said, there will definitely be other people at your wedding suffering from mental illness, you just don't know about it. And people who get aggressive when they drink etc.

I know it's your wedding day and of course you want it to be perfect but in my opinion treating your friend and her partner with compassion and acceptance is more important than banning people. Realistically, where would this stop?

This is just my opinion and I might be coming from a different angle as two of my children have special needs (my daughter has brain damage caused by an accident as a baby and as a consequence her behaviour is erratic and my son has autism so social situations are very hard for our family) and I can't stand to think of them being excluded from events as adults because of this.

Edited to say that I hope you don't think I am saying you are horrible, I am not! I just know how this would make me feel and I am sure you don't want to make your friend feel that way, since you clearly care about her a great deal.

Poor guy. I feel sorry for him and your friend struggling to deal with mental illness. He must feel like he's riding a roller coaster.

I suppose my decision would depend upon what you mean by him being "violent". I am not going to lie if there was a sniff of unpredictable violence against others, I would not invite him. If it was violence more like he got frustrated with himself and punched a wall hurting himself only, then things would be different.

I would be cautious about inviting a person who wasn't bipolar but who had a history of unpredictable violence against others.

If a space opens up and you are happy he is not a risk, (I would be inclined to trust your friend's view on this) then I would say to her that he is invited but you fully understand if they have to duck out if the crowd gets too much and if he feels low at the last minute and doesn't come, fine. He's her partner after all and we all have our crosses to bear - his is just being bipolar.

Thank you very much for all your help me and the OH had a good chat about it last night.

I don't want to treat anyone differently - hence the post! But I think only hearing when he is ill did make me concerned that something could happen but it is a bit irrational! We still don't have enough spaces to upgrade him but will offer the space if one comes up - we still have a few weeks for RSVP's back.

I do care about my friend and will speak to her about if he's not feeling up to it etc then we will understand that it may mean they can't come and it may be last minute. I think part of the element which made me concerned in the first place is her general tendency to ignore some of his symptoms when he is getting unwell as she still wants to carry on going for dinners etc and sometimes pushing him too far and he will do anything to please her. I don't blame her for doing this but the elements of they wouldn't come along if he's not very well may not be true as like I said she can be in complete denial sometimes. But I think if I explain myself a lot better to her then it should be fine :-)

Thanks ladies (and for not crucifying me for this topic!)

From another perspective:

i was mentally ill a few years ago. i still attended various social functions (some medicated some not) - and truthfully i shouldnt have. its only in hindsight i can see that i was not well enough to be there. part of the issue was alcohol. this doesnt mix well with most mental health medication, and sadly when you arent stable - you arent always able to make the right choice.

i have a similar situation with a friend who i am not inviting. every social occasion with her has ended in carnage. the thought of her kicking off for any reason at our wedding makes me panic and rockets my anxiety. i detest stigma around mental illness - but is it so wrong to consider my own mental health when a friend's can impact me so much?

A little update I had a good long chat over coffee with my friend about it all and said it was looking like a possibility that there may be space - she was very open and honest with me too which I really appreciated - she did say she was getting carried away and was excited for the day but given the length of the day (over 10 hours), number of people, a unknown place etc that it may be a bit overwhelming.

So we came to a great agreement of they are both coming along to the evening do - (it was actually her suggestion and she had been wanting to discuss it with me but thought I might be upset!) that way its only 4 hours, he's not on his own during the day it's dancing etc without the overload of sit down meal, small talk, church etc.

Just shows it's alot easier to talk about it then worry internally about what to do!

Thanks again!

Two points:

You invite people to your wedding because you want to, not because someone has asked you to.

I had concerns about a guest coming to my wedding - believe me, on the day, you won't have a clue what's going on around you. You'll also find that your nearest and dearest create a bubble around you so that no bad staff can get near you. Turns out I needn't have worried about said guest.