Wedding

Hiya BrideMum

If im honest I can see it from both sides of the coin. You are the mother of the bride and want to give your daughter the wedding she always dreamed about, which is great and if my mum was involved and enthusiastic as you are I would be in heaven. However, on the otherside, it is was my mother in law being so involved I would get so anoyed and 100% feel as though she were interfering. I know for my wedding I want my family and friends there. I would not be happy if my mum or MIL were inviting their friends as it would possibly start to feel more like a show?!

Have a chat with them i'm sure it's nothing that can't be sorted. We haven't decided on the wording of our invites yetbut were either going to address them from ourselves i.e A and B invite ... to their wedding or A and B togeter with their parents ... That way were not rubbing either mum up the wrong way.

To be honest, I think you're coming across as overbearing and a quick search through the site will reveal a multitude of brides (and their grooms) in despair at how little control they have over their wedding plans. There's a famous one that floats around - I'll see if I can find it - that makes me cry every time I read it.

I do think that if you accept financial contributions from your parents, you need to make a few compromises. My advice to any bride unduly suffering at the hands of their parents is to refuse the cash and pay for themselves - it might take longer to save but I think the delay worth it for peace of mind.

Our invitations were worded: 'Together with their families, X and Y would like ........' and we would have maintained our right to do that, even had a set of parents contributed/paid.

So I'm afraid I side with the groom here. Not necessarily because his request matches my own feelings on the matter but because it seems he might be making a stand at taking back his own wedding.

You may be paying and hosting, but the event you are hosting is THEIR wedding, not yours.

When my two daughters got married I just handed over to them a sum of money and they got on with it. I had no input into the venue/catering/guests list etc. I believe that as it was their wedding they should make all those decisions as suits them best. The invitations came from the bride and groom.

Oh it is such a small thing. In that great tapestry of life, is it really worth making a fuss over this, at risk of alienating your daughter and her new husband? Do you think the guests are honestly bothered (or even notice) who "hosts"? To them it is a wedding, a celebration of love and the party is the same regardless of the wording of the invitations.

The hardest thing as a parent is letting go.

Ignoring everything else regarding what you are paying for/not paying for. It is tradition for the brides parents to invite guests... I have just received an invite for my friends wedding and it was worded from her parents but she and the groom chose the guests and even made/posted the invites, the RSVP card was sent to her parents address. If this is what you mean then I personally see no problem (unless of course you are choosing who to invite?!) but if the groom has a problem then I'm not sure there is a compromise? Has he said what his problem is? Maybe get the invites delivered to them, for them to post out and have RSVP returned to them but with traditional wording?

Although I see you are meaning well, I would say it's a very outdated tradition, probably stemming from an era when a couple had very few mutual friends and it was more a joining of families.

It is very kind and generous of you to be paying so much towards their wedding..but it is their wedding. To be honest, if I was unable to choose exactly how I wanted, and who to invite to my wedding, I'd be inclined to say thanks but no thanks to the money and do what I could afford.

I can see why the groom would be cross, and I feel for your daughter who is probably stuck in the middle.

ETA. I missed the point about the tradition of the wording itself. Yes, I think if you are paying...traditionally you are the ones who's names are at the top of the invitation. Is it this that he's objecting to? Maybe you could back off a little. It sounds like the only input he has is to turn up

Both sets of parents contributed to our wedding. Our invitations were addressed from us, "together with their parents". Of course we wanted to acknowledge their huge input, but we planned every detail of our wedding ourselves.

We asked opinions of our parents, as we did of our siblings, not only out of politeness, but because we genuinely valued their opinions. Had any conditions been attached to the money, we would have politely declined and had a smaller wedding. They wanted to invite some people that we wouldn't really have invited, but we let them as they had contributed. None of them insisted.

Yes, tradition dictates that the bride's parents host and it's lovely for you and your daughter that you are in the financial position to enable that. But that tradition is quickly fading away in favour of the bride & groom hosting, or jointly hosting with both sets of parents.

When my mum got married, her mum planned the whole thing, invited all the guests and paid for everything. I assume that it was the same when you got married. But I'm afraid times have changed.

Your poor future son-in-law is having no input into his own wedding. You seem very patronising in saying that you have a "tad more experience" than him. Of course, perhaps having been to more weddings than he has, you've seen a variety of different themes, ideas etc, but most brides these days get their (modern) ideas from magazines, TV, talking to friends and places like Hitched. My mum's idea of a fun wedding is very different to mine!

Hi,

First of all, sorry about this disruption that is happening at the moment in the family. Is never a pleasent feeling!

I believe the problem here is that the groom is not as traditional as your family, and that is why he is trying to stop your names to go in the invite, I agree with the girls who say traditionally the name of the parents go inviting the guests, and this comes from the time when most couples did not have any funds for their own wedding. With time, couples started paying for it, or falling out with parents and this has come into disuse, and is pretty much the couple's decision whether to put the parent's name or not.

We know your reasons why you want your name on it. You are contributing and proud of the couple and to be inviting guests for the wedding but you don't explain, if there is a reason why the groom is so adamant on not having it.

Would it be a compromise to put both side's parents names inviting the guests? Maybe he wouldn't so strict if he feels his family was leftout, or maybe he fears it makes it clear the bride's family paid for it all, which could hurt his feelings and make him feel down with his guests.

Another suggestion like they said, is to keep them inviting their guests, and add a "together with the bride's parents <name> and <name>" or "together with their parents <name> & <name> and <name> and <name>"

Hope this helps and that you reach peace again to enjoy the planning!

Let us know

BrideMum, I wonder if I can suggest a (potentially) useful exercise for you?

Perhaps if you make a list of the various parts of the wedding - venue choice, guest list choices, menu, and so on - and then mark down which way the decision went (for want of a better phrase), you might have a clearer idea of how the compromises are being shared. There could be three options - you and your husband got what you want, your daughter and groom got what they want, neither party got their first choice.

If this list reveals that your daughter has compromised more often or even in equal measure to you, I doubt that you are truly giving her "the wedding of her dreams" (contrary to claims in your original post). I would find it a sad situation where your daughter and groom didn't have the wedding day they wanted because you forced a compromise with your wishes.

It might be interesting to note that there is an emerging consensus in the field of psychology that the traditional method of compromise i.e. find the middle ground, is not optimal and that people tend to be happier with the compromise that they get their way half the time and the other party gets their way the other half.

Interesting! I would find it sad...and a bit weird, if most of the time nobody got what they originally wanted. Not so much being concerned that you got your first choice, rather making certain that the other person didn't get theirs

Hi, My mum and OH's mum are giving us some money towards our wedding. I asked them both who they would like to see invited, so I knew their intentions of who they felt we should invite as they are both quite traditional. OH and I then devised a list. We had opposition from both sides,and various solutions offered however we chose to tell our families this is our list, this is why etc......no further discussion. This was accepted by our parents. In truth my mum was just worried about causing a rift in the family by certain people not being invited, she felt she would be the one who got to hear about it. She now has straight in her mind what she would say if she was challenged and now all is well.

Invites are due to be posted within the next week.

My mum has made my invites and has done an amazing job, I made her put her name on the back and she ended up ordering stickers that said, "Made for J*** and E*** by D***" bless her. She asked me to chose the wording and we went for J*** and E****, along with their parents.......

I also wanted to receive the replies myself as I wanted to get lots of post!!!! So they are coming to my address not my parents.

It really was all about compromise, however it is our wedding and we did have final say on our list.

Good luck x

Im just wondering if you gave your daughter the option of letting you pay for her wedding or whether you told her thats what was happening. It just appears from your wording that you are paying and thats that.

It is a lovely gesture that you want to and are able to pay for your daughters wedding. Personally, I think before any contributions were made it should have been discussed as to what you expected control over in turn for contributing. My mom is paying for my dress and accesories and m dad is contributing a sum but both have clearly said it comes with no stipulations and it is mearly a gift. If they wanted and input then that would be fair enough aswell, but as we had that discussion there will be no confusion now.

I can understand the grooms frustration as it is his and his future wifes day and he is probably feeling left out. Maybe you should talk though it and get your point out but in a less foreful way.

In terms of the wording on the invites, we havent crossed that bridge yet but i think its down to how traditional the bride and groom are and what contributions are made.

Both sets of parents contributed financially to our wedding. Neither set put any conditions on their money.

You are obviously very traditional in your viewpoints but you need to understand that your future son in law may not be. Obviously, I don't know the lad but is there a chance he may feel rather steamrolled by the whole thing? Maybe he's just trying to claw back some control?

My invitations were addressed from both sets of parents because WE wanted it that way. If we'd chosen differently there would have been no objections.

It's difficult without knowing the whole story, but I'd guess that it's more about the groom wanting some control than the specific issue of the invite. Perhaps make sure he feels included and consulted a bit more?

That said, my parents are hosting our wedding and as their only daughter I know it means a lot to them, so I can understand where you're coming from.

Good luck, and try not to let it be more of an issue than it needs to be- after all, all of you want it to be a special day.

I can't say anything constructive, but my parents are giving us a significant amount of money and they have not once imposed any conditions on us. We can invite who we want, have it where we want, do want we want. Their money was a gift, not a bribe. FWIW I'm an only child.

Id be very careful if I were you, it's your daughter and her future husbands day, not yours, and you could end up causing lots of unnecessary arguments and upset if you don't let them both play a part in the decision making,

Removed

Anyone note the reply? ^^^

BrideMum, I think it's a shame that you didn't stick around to give a proper response. Given the frequency with which brides have issues with parents and decision-making, and given the scarcity of Mums-to-brides here, it might have been valuable to have another poster on the other side (as it were).

No. Gutted.

I too would have liked to see the response and general POV on stuff - might have helped brides having parental issues!

My parents (and grandparents) are giving my OH and I a large contribution towards our wedding, in fact they are paying for almost everything (for which we are extremely grateful). However, there have been no conditions with this... it's a gift. They want us to be happy and have the day as we would like.

IMO you need to back off a bit... I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but the last thing any family should want is for a wedding to cause problems... it's supposed to be a happy day after all.

x