Wedding etiquette

Tricky one. No technically there is nothing wrong with it. But it is a bit of a pooey thing to do if they havent checked how the other brother feels about it. Without a good reason for putting it 3 weeks before, it does look a bit "We want to get in there first" and will probably be interpreted this way by the other bros and guests. Ultimately, it is 'allowed' but there are certain unwritten things in family, and having a bit of respect, that means that things like this arent really 'done' x

Personally, it wouldn't bother me in the slighest if my brother/sister booked a wedding 3 weeks before me - it would be so lovely to have someone to share it all with. The only negative point I can think of is that family from far away might not travel down for both weddings (but thats a plus in a sneaky way - less guests to pay for!!). Think of all the things the two weddings could share to save money on - definitely try and put a positive spin on it I think.

I don't think this is an etiquette issue. My honest opinion is that this is bad manners - unless the there is a good reason for needing the wedding to be on that date. It could also be OK if the first wedding is a much smaller affair than the second.

You don't say where you fit into the family or why you feel it needs to be you who solves this issue.

Just to also add without a good reason for the other 2 putting there wedding there, and without asking me, as the other bride/bro I'd be majorly annoyed! Friends is different but its family. Seems a shame that it's caused a rift x

I think it seems a bit silly of the second brother to do it. Obviously I don't know the ins and outs so it may be that they've picked that date as significant to them but if not it does seem a bit like they want to get in there first to me

I think I'd be a tad annoyed if my sister got married before me (after I booked my date!) Just because sometimes its nice saying "It's the first family wedding" and then they steal it away last minute!!

Also, I'm guesing the other brother and his bride will be back for the other wedding from their Honeymoon?

How to solve this - tricky one....Will the other brother who booked his last change the date till after??

My OH sister had a wedding last September and out of courtesy we booked ours for April this year

x

If my brother booked his wedding 3 weeks before mine and I had been planning it for over a year I would be majorly peed off!!! If you have been planning something for that long it you want it to be 'the best' and 'perfect', the fact that he has jumped in there and stolen the limelight is out of order and if it was me I wouldn't be speaking to him either!!!

I believe it's frowned upon but it's not etiquette. It wouldn't personally bother me but I know of sceanrios similar to your own where there was major uproar in the families. My H2B and I came under fire from my sister for only getting engaged a few months after her, even though the weddings are 9 months apart, hers was in Sept, ours is in May. I believe she's seen it as us 'stealing her thunder'.

I'm not sure why you think it's your problem to solve? If I was you, I'd stay well away - families are difficult and, trust me, you don't want to be caught in the middle of this mess that you didn't create! Sorry if I'm being tough with you on it....

Ways to solve this:

1. Convince younger brother to cancel & re-book later (!)

2. Convince younger brother to apologise (!)

3. Get both couples into a room & get them to sort it between them (!)

4. Convince older brother to 'be the bigger man' and accept what's happened. Continue in the fun of planning the wedding & rise above the issue that the other brother and his fianceé has caused.

Personally, I'd go with option 4. As the youngest in the family, I've often had to do stuff like this and it's much easier all round.

Hope you and your family can resolve this..... Best of luck...

Maybe just me but I don't see the issue here at all. I wouldn't care if it was the same week - as long as it wasn't the same date I really don't see an issue - lifes too short to worry about things like this. What is actually causing the problem if it's 3 weeks before.

I have seen this issue arise for my friend where they actually were engaged first but the family wanted them to delay their wedding because the groom was the younger son, so simply based on age they wanted his older brother (remember- engaged more recently, my friend has been engaged for yearrrsss) to "go first".

Which is basically a pile of tosh. So it's different for all and this obviously is a "thing" for some people, but imho I think a lot of people view weddings as their one day to shine and have it all about them and that's when people get competitive about it. Which makes me sad a bit because a wedding shouldn't feel like the one day in your life where you get attention.

I'm sorry but some of the responses here sound like children and sooo petty: "stealing thunder" "I want to be the first in the family to get married" blah blah.

I'm sorry but REALLY think about it - does it REALLY affect anyone. Surely the point here should be there are two happy couples wanting to marry each other!!

If I were (or were the bride of) the older brother I would feel piqued that the other wedding was booked to be so close to mine.....but, it isn't really about whose is best or whose is first is it. It's about making a public commitment to love someone for ever, so whether someone else did it three weeks earlier actually doesn't matter at all... So the answer is no, there isn't an etiquette rule; yes it is a bit thoughtless, and I would be disappointed, before realising that I can reuse all their touches/decorations/ideas plus add loads of my own without spending a fortune to make my wedding even better than my orignal plan.

I just hope the YB and his wife make it back off honeymoon bin time for the second wedding: missing that really would be a faux pas! The other question would be when woudl be a good time for YB to get married? Many people get engaged one year and then married the next summer. EB has had his wedding booked for a year: could YB have had July? or September? Who's to say what date wouldn't have put someone's nose out of joint?

How about a joint wedding with all ideas and all guests and all expenses shared? Then no-one is first!

I agree it's nothing to do with etiquette, but I would say it's seriously bad manners, If they had all spoken about it before hand and were happy about it then no problem. I'd be seriously hacked off if I was the bride that booked her wedding first. This rift will undoubtedly over shadow both weddings.

I would be uspet if my brother did this to me.

However, my real concern would be that we have a lot of guests travelling from abroad and they wouldn't be able to go to both weddings which would be sad for both the couples and the guests themselves.

Has anything been booked and paid for or can it be moved at all? If it can't be changed sometimes people have to make the best out of a situation.

Ah I don't care if it sounds petty saying you want to be the first - it's your big day so why the hell not can't you get petty and want your day to be all about you!! Someone else made a great point too about guests and affordibility...If you're guests all of a sudden can't afford the hotel for two, or the outfit for two etc it's then a big strain!

x

Thank-you everyone!

Probably shouldn't have titled this etiquette just wasn't sure what subject this would fall under. To answer the relationship question I'm another brother's wife (there are 4 of them). Younger bride can't see the issue with it either, they have been together longer than the older brother so we have no right of passage issues; nor will the younger bride acknowledge that this has upset older bride. Just wanted some outside perspective and I'm involved because we are an extremely close family choosing to spend time together as a group of friends not just on family occasions. So obviously them not talking affects everyone. Plus younger bride says she's done this already (coming on a forum) and everyone said it was fine apparently. Thanks for all your answers though they have helped me no end. I honestly don't know whether to get involved but I can't stand asside and what our lovely family fall apart. xxx

And so tell me why on your wedding day it wouldn't be all about you if your siblings wedding was 3 weeks before???? You're guests aren't going to be staring at your sibling are they?

I think its a bit rude and petty on the younger brothers side , as for one family it could get quite expensive ie 2 lots of outfits to buy hats to buy presents ect so i could see the older brothers point as people may not want to turn out to a second wedding esp if they have to travel some distance it could be too much for some people esp older people and they have taken their time and thought and planning to get their perfect wedding right just for some people to either not turn up or cant afford to attend 2 weddings so close together i dont know what i would do if my brother did this to me as i love my brothers alot (hated each other as kids)and this is my second wedding if it had been my first wedding then without hesitation i would knock him out lol wedding arnt cheap for the bride and groom and they will have put alot of money into it.

For me my wedding isn't just about the day - it's all about the build up too!!! The counting down, the endless talking about it boring people to death...I don't know if my family could deal with my sister talking about one as well lol

x

I'm in Mrs Skinner's camp here. Actual practical reasons like guests affording to come is fair enough, but really... we all know 90% of the cases aren't related to that. As Aimz said:

"it's your big day so why the hell not can't you get petty and want your day to be all about you!! "

It's true you have the license to act how you want about your wedding day, but what you've essentially just said there is "I have the right to be as unreasonable as I want to be and have all the attention because this is the one day I can be like that" so you kind of also open yourself up for others thinking you're a...

(Ends in Zilla...) ?

Arr I really wouldn't mind being called a Bridezilla over that...I just think its common courtesy to book a wedding a little further out the way than a relatives, Like I said earlier..My OH sister got married last September so we arranged for ours to be in April which was 7months out the way..I just think when you book it so close to the other relatives IMHO then you're asking for a tinsy little bit of trouble! x

THIS

I just feel people here are not really thinking of the reason you are getting married. Fair enough if it meant people can't come but for any other reason then think people need to look outside of their own bubble

I'm with you Amizxx! My family have been helping me plan my wedding for over a year now and it's all everyone has been talking about. If my brother strolled on in and said he was getting married I would be over the moon as I love him and his girlfriend....... but if they announced it was 3 weeks before mine I would stomp my foot at quite a lot as it is unnecessary unless there was a reason ie both couples were teachers and only had summer holidays or they had some amazing cheap deal at a hotel, in which case I would still be upset but at least there is a reason behind it. No reason then it's just plain rudeness!!!

My step-brother went out on Boxing Day to Argos and bought a cheap ring because my H had proposed the day before. Div. He said because he was older that he should have done it first. ?

I would never do this to my sibling. If they have been planning a year surely everyone is looking forward to it only to now be splitting their time planning two weddings within weeks of each other.

Pompey thats great! What did his new fiancee think of that?? Who got married first?

x

Hmmm. I'm pretty relaxed about these things but even I think this is a bit off.

Is there a valid reason for booking so close to his brother's wedding?

Lol oh dear I hope he didn't give that explanation as part of his proposal

Weddings cost a lot as B&G, and also as guests. When we've spent a lot of time, effort and money into planning what is a big family event then yeh I'd be mightily pissed if someone jumped 3 weeks in front.

Yeh, yeh I know we're getting married because we love each other. But we're also going to be enjoying the most important day of our lives, I would like our families to be talking about it for a little while after. Yes, the attention is part of it. We will be newlyweds and I want a bit of time to shine!

I know in our families many wouldn't come to both events due to money issues, and as the original wedding will now be the 2nd they would all be sat their whinging and moaning about the expense/hassle/blah blah blah.

To put this in context my daughters' birthdays are a month apart. Everyone is really enthusiastic for the first party, but for the second I get texts last minute with "we're not coming as only saw you all last month" or people come but sit there and don't enjoy it like they do the first one.

She said that it was about time and that me and H had helped give him a kick up the bum. She's a plonker too.

?

Did he getting down on one knee saying Please girlfriend will you marry me because my younger step sister shouldn't have got engaged first ?.. sounds more like begging than a proposal ...how romantic ! lol

Ahhhh I have to say I would too be annoyed, if my sis booked a wedding 3 weeks before mine! I think that is not etiquette. So close a member of family, so very close to the wedding - I think it's not very thoughtful.

As somebody else said, a lot of the fun is the build-up (although not for me as I hate organisation and admin) and I think that would be lost if a very close family member got in there 3 weeks before mine. The few weeks before my wedding it was all my mum and dad could talk about, and know they weren't just indulging me...

On the day though you would not care, but generally, it would irk me.

Ooh, and etiquette means code of behaviour, which essentially is/are manners, or at least intrinsically linked, so OP there was nothing wrong with the title of your post! I would say the word etiquette is more appropriate than the word manners *word geek*