Wedding gift lists - money only an option??

I'd say no. I think it's rude to ask for cold, hard cash. It's the norm in other cultures, but not here. I would feel very rude saying 'It's your presence that counts but please buy me X or give me cash'.

You know your friends and family best, so if you think it's the right thing to do, just let people know. I think you're better off doing it by word of mouth than dressing it up in a poem or similar.

Here we go again!

Some people will insist on telling you that asking for money is tantamount to begging and is rude, some will say it's whats expected these days.

Just put a note or message out saying 'we'd love a contribution towards....' and leave a small list with someone for the old aunties who steadfastly refuse to write you a cheque.

We're doing an artist's impression of what our kitchen will look like and asking for contributions, suggesting that a door costs £X and a cabinet cost £Y.

WSS! You will get a variety of different answers on this and everyone's opinion is slightly different so best just to do what you think!

Personally, if I received a wedding invite with NO mention of gifts and no inserts with gift list numbers etc I would assume the couple want money but it depends if that is a risk you want to take. Or if they are close to me I would simply ask them and if they said they wanted money - no problem!

My friends who are married tell me no matter what you ask for, whether it be nothing, money, gifts from a gift list - there will always be someone who does their own thing and gets something different. I don't know whether any OMs on here agree with that?

HTH

I think its ok. We went to a wedding in summer and they worded it politely enough, saying they didnt expect any presents but if we chose to, they would appreciate a contribution to theire new kitchen fund. So we just put some money in a card! xx

Of course it's sensitive. I'd never even heard of a money poem...LOL! Shows how many of this end of a wedding I've been around...! I am really completely new to this stuff, not having had any siblings or very close friends get married or been a bridesmaid ever!

It would be very rude to just ask for money which is why I'm asking what people do.

I guess we could find things to populate a John Lewis list but I reckon we'd be grasping at things we didn't really want or need just to fill a quota. I wonder if there's any other ideas. Obviously a house deposit is a hell of a lot of money these days that wedding gifts (well at least in our family anyway) won't even come close to 10% of.

Perhaps not saying anything is the best plan!!

I personally dont think its rude at all, I would rather give a couple something they want/need than "waste" money on a gift they wont use.

I have been to around 4 weddings in the past 18 months and every single one had some kind of note about cash or money, and we have never found it offensive.

We are doing a honeymoon gift list because we live together already and anyone who knows us, will know that our honeymoon is really important to us (we are going back to Australia)

Thats an idea. We haven't even thought of honeymoon yet. I think we're going to wait and see what venue/catering costs first and go from there.

We are going to Australia for a month for our honeymoon, we got engaged in Australia and everyone knows that the country means a lot to us. We set up a giftlist with Trailfinders who sent us little cards which we put in with the invites, we actually had 6 or 7 comments from people saying what a great idea they thought it was.

Is it deemed normal to have a gift list then? This is our preference but nowdays it seems more normal to ask for money or honeymoon contribution How do you even word the giftlist as I have only seen invites with the above?

We have our honeymoon giftlist set up with www.buy-our-honeymoon.com

its just contributions towards extra nicety's ie spa, champagne, trips etc

we are in our 2nd marriage and both had houses before and thought this would be the best option

we did put some wording in about the important of them being our guests at our wedding, blah, and then said if wanted to buy us a gift please go to the website details.

I think in short there's no right or wrong... traditions change and attitudes change.

Im sure years ago people thought that asking for specific gifts was rude

Well said, I agree! And you can never please everyone.

The problem I have with money - apart from the crassness of asking for it in my eyes - is that it then gives the guest a problem of "how much to give". I know my family have always agonised over an amount to give when attending a wedding, and prefer to buy a gift.

Separately - often your friends want to buy something physical. Even if you are saving up for a deposit on a house, this is something you could do more easily if you didn't have a big wedding! It feels instead like you are paying for someone's day.

Finally, money is disposable; I don't mean that what it will go to buy is also disposable, but if you're giving a gift, you would secretly like to see it in use/in the happy couple's home in years to come.

Whilst I would love to have money for a house, here in Geneva you're looking at needing a 400K CHF (270K GBP DEPOSIT) as a minimum. It's almost a pipe dream...

Back in the 'old days' it wasn't acceptable to ask for specific gifts! People rarely lived together before they were married and so guests would bring gifts to furnish their new marital home. Any guidance as to what gift should be bought would have been sought from the bride's parents.

It does seem the norm for gift lists now, with honeymoon lists being a newer version. I don't have any objection, per se, to receiving a list but I just don't like the thought of sending one out. It's the sending out that makes me uncomfortable, rather then the receiving, if that makes sense?

I don't think it's rude to ask for money. My h2b and I have been living together for around 6 years, we have our own flat and furniture. We want money either to go towards the honeymoon or to for a deposit so we can buy somewhere bigger.

I think that the poems are a little cringy and would steer clear of them.

Last year I attended two weddings, neither of them mentioned gifts, when I asked they said they wanted money, so that's what I did.

I will do this, I will tell both sets of parents this is what we want so if people want to know what to get they can just give us however much they want. That way we are not "begging"!

We asked for Argos vouchers, or cash in a couple of lines of small text at the back of the information pack - subtle, not too "in yer face" and certainly a lot less offensive than an insert gift list in my opinion.

I think the big thing that people forget in this discussion is that however subtle or blunt you are regarding gifts, guests are entirely at liberty to still buy whatever they like for you, as big or small as they wish, or nothing at all, and it shouldn't affect their attendance on the day or your attitude towards them.

If I was to go into Argos and spend £20 on a toaster for a present, or give the couple £20 worth of Argos vouchers, or stick a £20 note in an envelope, it's still cost me the same, and if the couple want to take the cash or vouchers and buy themselves that £20 toaster from Argos then it's still the same end product, surely?

Would you feel the same way if you knew the bride and groom weren't paying for their own wedding?

Between them, our parents have contributed almost the entire cost of our wedding. (Entirely their choice, and if they want to spend their money on our wedding I'm not going to stop them... if they hadn't contributed, we'd simply have had a smaller wedding.) So yeah, we're having a big wedding, but any money that guests give us WILL go on a house deposit, NOT on the wedding, which don't forget is all paid for before the wedding so a cash gift from a guest couldn't possibly be used to pay for the wedding anyway. In Spain I believe it is traditional for guests to bring cash as a gift, to cover the estimated cost of their being there. I realise that isn't how it works in Britain, and that's a good thing for a number of reasons, but as a guest I would be conscious that the happy couple are forking out a considerable sum for ME to eat and drink and party... it isn't just THEIR day which I am attending under sufferance, they've thought about me and done certain things to ensure I've enjoyed myself!

In regard to the original question: We have said nothing about gifts on the invitation, just included a link to our wedding website which amongst other information gives a link to our John Lewis gift list and states that we would appreciate "donations to our House Fund". Both sets of parents have been briefed, and armed with JL gift list slips which they can send on to people if requested.

Unless paid for by CC or bank loan. Plus, saving accounts could be replenished.

Personally I prefer to buy vouchers or give cash just because it is easier and I like minimum fuss!

I hate to give cash as I've seen it spent on things they'll have no recollection of - drinks at a pub, bills etc. I want to be able to give a gift that will enable them to think of the occasion - whether that's a candle lit dinner for two on their honeymoon or a set of saucepans!

This is true, and certainly not what I would like to happen. We'll have to have a discussion nearer the time and see what we can come up with.

I absolutely agree with this. I will not put anything in my invitations regarding what "we want" - I grew up with the phrase " "I wants" don't get" ?. Whether my guests buy or make or sponsor or whatever a gift (or nothing at all) is entirely their choice and what we want, would like or need doesn't come into it. I also grew up with "You'll be grateful for what you're given", and I will be. If guests are sufficiently stuck that they need help, I'll send them to my mother, who might have something of an idea for gifts, but I want to leave it entirely to the guest to make their choice about this, rather then feel pressure to give me money/vouchers/honeymoon treats.

I have said before, but I like shopping, I like buying gifts. I also like to make them. For example, I have had requests to paint pictures for gifts, which is a bonus because it's something I like doing and something that takes time, which is pretty much the most valuble thing you can give as a token of your esteem. All very well to say that guests are free to do this, even when faced with a request for money/vouchers, but there's no way I'm then going to feel happy not conceding to their requests. At the very least, I might feel that they begrudge me.

And honestly, I don't want to buy a couple a kitchen door or a brick for their garage - it's not very romantic! Practical, enduring, useful, yes, but not "gifty" ?

Edit: apologies for the length, didn't realise as I was typing. And only making it worse now... Stop.

Personally, if i were attending a wedding i would rather be sent a gift list or be asked for money.

I prefer the gift list as its something that hopefully they will use for years to come. The reason I would much prefer to be told what to buy is at least that way i know the money i have spent will be on something the couple have requested and they will use. if i go off my own back to buy a present i may end up spending £30 on something that will sit in a cupboard and never be used.

I've read lots of posts on this topic and its always a big debate and i really do not think there is a right answer but I certainly wouldnt be offended to be asked for money.

I know - Geneva is another planet. People have 100 year mortgages here which they pass on down to their children, and their children's children etc. I think only about 35% of the population own their own house.

You need around 30-40% of the price of the house as a deposit here, and it's unlikely that you can find a house for <1,000,000 CHF. Sometimes you can find a lender who will do a mortgage for 20% of the price of the house.

On the flip side, interest rates are low and wages are relatively high.

So, no chance of being any closer to buying a house in Switzerland with or without cash gifts at our wedding!!!

I think that is a really good point, certainly makes me reconsider my point of view.

You know it's funny - I look at the Spanish and the Greeks who do it this way, and think it's a good way of doing things, but because I'm British, I find it really, well, crass to ask for money. Very much a double standard I know.

We are in a similar position, my mum is dead against asking for money, but I put it to her that we would rather do that, than make a gift list just for the sake of it, as then peoples money is being wasted really, so I just don't see the point. We thought about asking for vouchers for a certain shop, to help when we do eventually buy our own house, but I hate being tied ot buying in one store as I'm a bargain hunter!

I know 5 people getting married this year and no one is doing a gift list, because they dont need things. I like the idea of a money poem, but I think its been a bit over done, so I think we will be putting a small note in the invite saying something like

'we have not set up a traditional gift list, but would welcome help towards bigger items as we are saving for our own home, or something to help us experience Egypt as much as possible on our honeymoon'

Havent got the wording right yet, but something straight forward. I@m sure those who dont want to give money will be on the phone to my mum, and we could maybe go and choose one or 2 items for them to get us if they insist!

I know I have posted about this many a time before!

we are very crass in that case then, we are even putting a line in about "and if you want to pay by cheques please make them payable to MummyMini!" [we dont have a joint account and have no plans of having one] very forwards but our pressies are paying for our honeymoon so we need to be able to acsses them.

The last time I bought something from gift list it was a vase that I am fairly sure I have never seen in the house of the couple I bought it for! I would have rather given them cash!

As I *hate* wasted money then I would rather a couple told me what they wanted so I know my money is going to good use. Whether that be cash for furniture, vouchers for a honeymoon or a gift list.

I have therefore asked for £ in the invites as that is what we want to buy specific furniture. Giving us vouchers for 10 different places would be a waste of people's money.

I have however asked for £ on a separate insert therefore I have opted to leave it out of some invites where I know people will be offended if they're another generation etc.