I really should warn you now that it would be a good idea to get a drink, some nibbles and a cushion. This is a read for those who have a bit of time on their hands. Hopefully the length of it is appropriate to the enormous thing that this has been and everything that got us there.
I just want to share this with you and am delivering on a promise I made to several other Hitchers that I would tell all once the big day was done. I'll post in sections, so as not to overload the system. It will also give you a chance to divide down the story. So, you have been warned. Take a deep breath and here we go!
Background
P and I met in 2007 at a difficult time in both our lives. I was approaching the first anniversary of my marriage to what can only be described as a cretin, the pile of pooh who took over my life, destroyed (or tried to) my family and left me just weeks after the wedding when he ran off with a 23 year old work colleague. With a non-existent self-confidence, and a heart full of pain and betrayal, I was desperately trying to hang onto my belief in fairytales. My first Prince Charming had died. I had then married a toad. Could it really be that there might be a happy ending out there for me somewhere?
P was in a dreadful situation, trapped in a loveless, abusive marriage because of his sense of duty and responsibility. This was a relationship which had died many years before but circumstance forced them to stay under the same roof, despite her repeated and continuing alternative ‘friends’, alcoholism and mental illness. After years of bullying, emotional and physical, and a lifetime of being ignored, overlooked, rejected and used, he was like a shadow with a constant look of fear and loneliness.
We were like two drowning people who then found a flotation device, a glimmer of hope and the promise of a friendship which would endure almost anything.
For weeks we spoke online, talking to the early hours of the morning about life, kids, work, money – anything and everything. I say spoke, but it was just words on a screen. You can be so open in that forum and find yourself sharing things you wouldn’t normally. But for both of us, our instincts were telling us that this was different. This was someone who could be trusted and was going to be a long-time friend.
Eventually we met face-to-face. The two people who had introduced us – his ‘wife’ and my ‘friend’ – decided they would like to meet up and we jumped at the chance. And what we discovered in person was an even stronger connection than we had thought possible. Still as friends. For me at least, no thoughts of anything more than that although P says now it was the moment he knew I was ‘the one’.
The following weeks were some of the most difficult and exhilarating of our lives, with many obstacles, upsets and challenges thrown at us. Things reached fever pitch and bless him, P decided he needed to protect me from the barrage of abuse that had started to stream in my direction from his perpetually drunk and outrageous estranged wife. So, doing what he thought to be the only gallant and sensible thing, he rang me to say we could no longer be friends. He could not have known (and I did not expect) just how hurtful that would be. Yet another person who had promised so much and then deserted me without notice or warning. I knew it was hurting him too but couldn’t get him to accept that I was capable of defending myself. We were both crying by the end of the call and the situation got worse for him still when a stray dog bit him on the bottom as he walked slowly home! He says now that even the dog knew he’d made a mistake! Lol
The ‘break’ didn’t last long. The abusive phone calls and texts continued and it became clear that the situation would need a different kind of resolution. More challenges, more incidents, and a life which seemed like a rollercoaster going off the rails but all the time this friendship stayed constant, gave us both the strength and resolve to get through the various difficulties we were each facing and to make some very difficult decisions about the people in our lives.
P, who had been made redundant earlier that summer, was offered a new job. His first day involved a trip to Germany for technical training. We managed to squeeze in a quick meeting at a halfway point on the day before he left. I am not known for my sense of direction so was hugely relieved when I found that I had managed to park in the same car park as he but what a lovely surprise to see him running towards me in a true Heathcliffe moment and sweeping me off my feet! No mean feat when you weigh over 25 stone, as I did at the time!
By the end of our three hour stroll round the town, this quiet, unassuming man, who was not given to stating opinion, asking for anything or having any dreams or ambitions, stunned me with his words. As we prepared to say farewell he suddenly exclaimed “I can’t do this! I can’t say goodbye. I need you and I want us to be together. Is there any way that you could consider that?”
Umm, YES!
One big stumbling block though – his home situation. And I was shocked again when he announced that it would be resolved upon his return from his work trip.
I’m not sure if I really believed he would go through with it and certainly I would never have asked him to do so. He assured me that this was the right thing to do, that he should have done it long before. The situation at home was poisonous – I’d seen that for myself. He couldn’t continue sleeping on a sofa or on the floor of one of the kid’s bedrooms. He couldn’t stay in a situation where he was being physically attacked, verbally abused, ridiculed and vilified in front of those same kids either. Something had to make it stop. He was going to make it stop, regardless of my answer.
And so he did.
Life has been an enormous struggle at times and we have faced many challenges. Health, financial, family and legal battles have ensued but we have survived all of them – albeit a little more bruised and battered each time. We know that individually we are strong but together we will face anything. Our differences are sometimes our greatest asset but occasionally our biggest frustration but we’ve learned to handle that.
And this quiet, shy and very humble man has turned into a quietly confident, articulate and purposeful person who now believes he can make things happen rather than just accepting his fate. He has an opinion which he will now offer – whether I want him to or not! He has a social confidence which is building slowly and a life which is becoming calmer and brighter all the time. We have both made enormous changes in our lives. I am now less than half the size I was when he first fell in love with me. He is now twice the man he was when I fell in love with him.
But when Destiny calls, all these things become possible. And when the Dragon and the Phoenix fly together, all is well with the world.
