Well, that was a bolt from the blue

I know when I found out about my ex's infidelity, the first thing I wanted was to get people "on my side", who knew both of us. Ultimately it would havew been unfair on them to involve them more in the whole mess, I agree with you.

What I think you should do is arrange to meet your friend beforehand and chat to her about it all, and encourage her to seek "mediation" with a totally impartial third party if thet's what she and her H both decide to do. Having you there the first time they discuss it is more about moral support than anything else imo, and at some point she is going to have to man up and face him on her own - I'd try to impress upon her that that's better done sooner than later.

Poor her - it's an awful position to be in, she must be feeling devastated and bloody livid.

Oh no, how awful for her. If you want Mr P & I can come down on Saturday and take over childcare if you want to be there for her but I can completely understand your want and need to be on the outside. I would feel very uncomfortable mediating something like that too.

Oh, and happy birthday ? ?

How sad, it's always so sad, especially when there are children involved.

Is she meeting with him in the hope of a reconciliation? Or completely the opposite?

I'm not sure what it is exactly that she wants from you. Is it moral support more than anything else? I can't imagine what a neutral minute-taking mediator would be needed for, in this type of situation. Surely that's the job of a solicitor, if that's the road they're taking?

She was absolutely devastated - I'd never heard her cry before, and to make matters worse it was her immediate reaction to me saying I couldn't come round on Saturday, so I felt horribly guilty that it was somehow my fault.

What I might do is ring her tomorrow and ask if she wants me to come round to see her after work, as I don't think talking about this on the phone was especially helpful to begin with. She lives en route along my usual commute, so it's not at all unfeasible, and God knows JK will be supportive (she's known them both for almost as long as she's known me).

I think she is trying to man up and face him, but I'm not convinced having someone else present - especially not someone who knows them so well - is the best way of doing it.

So.....I can't tell you what I would do, I have no idea but if you really don't want to do it professional mediation could be a suggestion, it is supposed to be really helpful.

However, the reason for my post is that when my H and I split up things were really acrimonious and a friend of mine agreed to be present at any meetings to try and keep things reasonably civilised etc and it worked really well. You feel you have to behave in front of a third party, not shout or swear or get aggressive etc and she calmed things down, made some very useful suggestions and generally helped us a lot.

WOS...

you will inevitably take a side, as any person would, I think it's impossible to be impartial when close friends are involved. Looking at it long term, if they make up and sort things out, you could end up seeming the villain in the whole thing. I too would be honest and avoid, explaining why.

Well, I can completely see where she's coming from, and suspect that that is her primary motive. But then again, this is such an open-and-shut case that I'm not sure my being there will be much use - I'm sure he's been justifying to himself why he had an affair, but if the spark went out of their marriage... well, they had two young children, and she was a SAHM, so what exactly was he expecting?

That's the point though, to you its an open and shut case but he will probably be coming to the meeting knowing he is guilty and therefore trying to justify what he did, make out it's her fault, anything to deflect from the spotlight being on him. Guilt can make people behave very badly, they get agressive and mean and she maybe knows that. Also she will be mad as hell probably, and hurt and upset etc etc and they will both need someone there to stop the meeting degenerating into a slanging match so they can make progress and sort out things such as how to make it easiest on the kids, finances etc. I'm not saying this person has to be you but, in an ideal world, they need someone.

Just thought I'd post a quick "what happened next"...

I rang her back first thing on Tuesday and provisionally agreed that if she couldn't find anyone else, I'd come round on Saturday. On Wednesday, she texted me to say that she'd like me to do that, but gave a time that clashed directly with JK's shift at work. I texted this back, and she said she'd get back to me. She finally did this evening...

...to say that she'd changed her mind and wasn't going to have a face-to-face meeting at all.

What she's been doing in the interim is being completely ruthless - she saw a solicitor on Wednesday, and she's been emailing her soon-to-be-ex husband saying that he's to move out on Monday, and that he should give times so she can arrange not to be in, as she doesn't want to see him. He has apparently been grovellingly apologetic, but fully aware that the ball's entirely in her court - he was caught bang to rights with clinching evidence (which she's copied to a memory stick and will be locking away), and doesn't have a leg to stand on.

Her solicitor confirmed what JK already assumed would be the case: that because she has two small kids (five and two) and she gave up her career to be a SAHM, she's in a very strong position regarding getting financial support from him, especially as he's quite a high earner. She's also been Googling like mad for other background info, determined to do things her way and on her own terms.

All of which was rather heartening - she's certainly back to her old self, and much quicker than I'd dared hope. I'm assuming there's still a hefty element of shock, but she's clearly determined not to sit around moping.

That sounds like good progress! Glad you managed to avoid becoming entangled in it, sounded like a tricky position for you. I guess being in a ruthless / fight mode will carry her through for a short time at least as she can put her energies in to that. You're right though, she will still be in shock and may well have several down periods along the course.