What etiquette rules do you follow?

While we might have some etiquette in our wedding we're not doing anything 'because we should'. Everything that we're doing..... Free bar, paying for everyone's accommodation, arranging for guests to choose whatever they want to eat is because we WANT to and have saved our money to be able to. We didn't set our date until we had costed everything out and worked out when we could afford to do it.

It's not exactly for etiquette reasons but we decided immediately that having lots of people there would be our priority. So rather than having a hotel wedding and only being able to have 50 guests (I have such a massive family that I would not have been able to invite any friends in the day) we chose to have a register office wedding followed by a village hall reception with a hog roast rather than a 3 course sit down meal. Luckily our local register office is stunning and we found the perfect village hall reception.

What exactly are your in laws questioning? From what I've read in your posts your wedding sounds awesome!

lexi

Etiquette or tradition? There is also a gray area in between.

We're from the same area, and I agree that I put the guest at the core of our planning. However, this is common in Australia as well.

We didn't start with a guest list, but with a location and church which gave a cap on numbers. We then started planning a list from that. We also had a rough idea of budget - we wanted to pay for the wedding from our normal cash flow and without financial assistance. There was nothing I wanted that we couldn't afford, but I didn't really want a lot.

I didn't have a veil, and my gown didn't need to be altered but I ended up having the train removed because I didn't want one. We didn't have a traditional fruitcake as wedding cake (we had a Boston Cream Pie made by Mr Ash's aunt). We only had two bridesmaids and two groomsmen, and paid for their stuff. We did not have disco lights/balls, etc. We didn't have a top table or assigned seating.

Etiquette-wise I feel it's awkward to mention cash or presents in invitations, and I believe in providing a nice guest experience within one's budget. I don't think Pinterest or Instagram will change that.

As for Pinterest and Instagram, I think these mediums will give people comfort in breaking from the norm or doing this with a twist. I think people will still be true to who they are. I found some good ideas on Pinterest.

We are ditching some still popular tradition... like being 'given' away (Im not a blumming object) or wearing a veil (they are pretty but not for me)

my mom says many of my choices are 'american' like having the bridesmaids walk in first - not sure if its true though but it seems bizaar to me for a bride and groom to stand a wait at the bottom for them to come down after you

I was looking at some american tradition and found them very odd from bridal showerss (basically a manadory gift party, right?) to open bars to 'grooms cake' (cant understand why you would have a nice expensive wedding cake then show off what looks like a kids birthday party cake)

but I guess thats the good thing everyone can pick and choose what suits them

I never wanted a massive wedding but it got a lot bigger from 10 guest to 20, 30, 40, 50 ? guest I alway thought it would be a bit vegas style where he would propose and we would marry in 1 or 2 days but ou cant do that here (or anywhere Ive looked other than america) ?

Hi

I personally don't want to be given away, I think it is seriously outdated and marriages shouldn't be arranged anymore, it is a choice. But, having said that, my dad really wants to walk me down the aisle and 'present' me to the OH so I am respecting his wish on this one.

I've not been to many weddings admittedly but I have not been to one with an open bar or heard of anyone I know having one. My opinion on this is whilst nice, it just isn't a priority for us. We don't have much of a budget (4.5k at present) so we just simply can't afford to. However, at the ceremony venue there will be a maximum of 40 including me and him and we will provide some fizz whilst we have photos done and sign paperwork. We are also paying for the meal drinks for the breakfast. That is as far as we can go. If we win the lotto then I'm sure we would splurge on this though!

Our reception is not necessarily based on what we thing guests expect. It will be quite big, approx 120 people. We are having rock / metal DJ but will have some 'normal' music played also. All of our friends and family know we aren't ones to follow rules / guidelines and most have said they will be quite happy rocking out haha!

I guess it's important to keep as many people as possible happy but the way I see it, it is our day, to hell with expectations! We are not asking for gifts or money so therefor we don't feel like we need to pay guests back with mega expensive meal / drinks packages and full on entertainment. I think it helps that we are pretty much paying for it ourselves so we have the freedom to express ourselves :-) my mum and stepdad are paying for certain things but the bulk is us.

:-)

Ash953: Etiquette vs tradition, yes I guess they are tied together. That is where some of the confusion comes with my in-laws. For example, evening guests are traditional and completely appropriate in the UK, but it would be very poor etiquette in the US to have them. In the US, the bridesmaids pay for all their own dresses, hair, etc, but that might be frowned upon in the UK. But in the US I think there is more of the feel that the entire wedding party is there to help the couple put on the wedding. They are not simply guests. So bridesmaids and groomsmen pay for their own attire to help the couple, and then the favor is returned when they are married. You know you are asked that will you have to pay for things so people do turn do being a bridesmaid if they can't afford. A good bride will ask what the BMs budget is and either cover the difference or choose something that the BMs can afford. Although you always have always have some bridezillas that just don't care. My sister is in a wedding right now and she had to pay $250 for a hideous dress and $180 for hair and makeup (it's not optional). I have three American bridesmaids and one from Romania (where the tradition is also for the bridesmaids to pay) and one from the UK (fiance's sister) so we decided to go with the American tradition. My fiance will be paying for the groomsmen's attire because they are all from the UK and that is what is expected. But I'm not really sure how to explain to my FSIL that she is expected to assist with the wedding planning, not just show up on the day. I've mostly avoided the conversation because I have 4 other BMs to help, but it does hurt my feelings that she seems so uninterested. We also have the rule where you do mention cash or registries in invitations, as it's considered asking for gifts here. You usually have the bride and groom's family spread it by word of mouth, or now people are starting to putting a link on their wedding websites.

Sorbet: While it is true that in the UK bridesmaids walk behind the bride (Kate Middleton) some of the stuff you mentioned is not necessarily American tradition, just modern ideas. I've never been to a wedding with a groom's cake but I don't think it always looks like a birthday cake. I think it started with an excuse to have a small chocolate cake in addition to the wedding cake flavor, and couples have just gotten creative with it. As far as the bridal shower, I guess this is another example of difference in etiquette norms. Christmas and Birthday parties are basically mandatory gift parties too but because you are used to them they don't seem strange. Gifts are not mandatory at bridal showers, but most people do bring them (we do not mention gifts on invitations so it's up to guests to decide). The women all get together, (since grandmothers, mothers, aunts, are not usually invited to hen dos), talk about their own marriages, give advice on being a wife, and usually have a luncheon or a brunch. So it's much more than giving gifts. Traditionally the MOH pays for and throws the party for the bride, so the bride or her family are not throwing a party for themselves so they can receive gifts. It's usually a surprise. Usually the gifts are small, like lingerie, kitchen towels, picture frames, or similar items and it's held months before the wedding so guests are not buying several gifts right in a row. I have a rough idea of the month mine is in because I have to travel there, but I don't know where it will be or who will be invited.

Well I eloped and didn't invite anyone so I pretty much broke every etiquette and we stayed together the night before and I walked myself down the aisle so pretty much most traditions too. It's been interesting reading though and makes me realise that this is probably the first generation to flaunt the traditions and say no I'm doing this how I want and not how its expected. Which makes me wonder how radically it will have changed in the next generation and will we be more accepting of it as parents than some of our shocked parents have been.

Also I think I gotaway with everything I did and didn't do because I'm 58 and its not a first marriage for either of us. Would I have been so brave if it wasn't I'm not sure I would.

Note to self come back and read the posts on wedding forums in 20 years!

sorry I cut your quote down otherwise my reply would be huge lol but actually birthdays and christmasses aren't usually gift giving event here outside of direct family

for my birthday I get stuff from my mom and fiance, after the age of 12 people stop gift giving and parties (although people may go to the pub or club with friends) if your lucky some friends might buy you a drink next time they see you... or at least that standard birthday tradition here in newcastle

for xmas the secret santa is becoming popular now where everyone picks a name out of a hat and buy's 1 person a cheap token present but other than that you only really get/give gifts to and from family (or maybe a very best friend)

gifts at christmas and birthdays seem to pretty much be a childhood thing

Yes it is the same here, I meant in childhood. I was merely pointing out that there are other events where gift giving is mandatory, so it's not like it is an exclusively US thing.

Hi,

It could rightly be argued that yes, the guests are the most important part of your day, second only to you two. I've shot a lot of weddings where the bride was from the states and the groom was from the UK.

All of them were pretty massive affairs, one recent couple had a religious ceremony and civil ceremony in the states and also a wedding over here too! Things were fairly lavish.

US weddings (and budgets) are a lot higher than here in the UK though, 2-3 times the average uk cost.

A wedding is a massive party for everyone you care about and somewhere in there a bit of legal formality gets thrown in. Often though budgets / venues and practicalities can throw a spanner in the works. If you can afford it cool, if it involves you going into debt for the next 10 years, probably not a great idea.

It depends really where the compromises are made. If it turns into a day for just your guests then it's not your wedding, it's theirs. Only you'll know really.

according to statistics american average wedding actually cost less at $26,000 (£18,273) vs the british average £20,983

but it all depends on area... with both big city weddings cost much more (£30,000 - £40,000 standard) compaired to country, town and village weddings (£5,000 - £15,000)

a fancy new york wedding in a hotel might cost $35,000 but the popular mid-west and southern country barn weddings or park weddings can be done for $5,000

(lol just realising I read far too many 'real life wedding blogs' to learn all this stuff)

I don't think your statement about the cost/budget of weddings is correct. The average UK wedding is £21k according to the Daily Mail whilst the average US wedding is $31k USD (~£21.7k) according to The Knot.

MrsP, I paid for my bridesmaids dresses, hair, make-up, etc. and they helped plan the wedding when and where I asked. Considering some of the threads on this board where brides lament their useless MOHs, I reckon it's common in both the US and UK that bridesmaids are there to help.

I was pretty mortified that my brother's wife asked my sister to be a bridesmaid and then made her pay for this hideous dress from David's Bridal. Ick. Also, my mom was bullied by her step-mom and was made to go last for hair/make-up (which she paid for), and was told off by the vicar for running late(!). I thought - I won't do that. It really upset my mom and sister, and whilst the bride didn't intend to (she's very sweet), I learnt from that mistake.

I don't really know where you've gotten your numbers, but if you look at sources that break it down state by state, the average NYC (Manhattan) wedding costs $86,000 (£60,000). The next closest is Long Island at £40,000, and North and Central New Jersey at £35,000. If you're looking at rural New York state, which is much larger than the city, then yes the prices would be lower. According to statistics from 2014, the average for the US as a whole is $29,858 (£21,000). Every year wedding prices increase so it will have inevitably gone up since then.

Anyway I don't know how productive this thread is anymore. It was very nice at the start with everyone sharing the different traditions and etiquette they follow without being judgmental about anyone who chooses to take a different approach (or whose cultures have different rules). It seems to have taken a rather unnecessary competitive turn.

Http://www.costofwedding.com/

where are you getting your stats?

every website has different one but this is the one google brings up as correct - overall its impossible to state an actual wedding statistic so they are all estimates based on the average sales in the area (but brides can buy from other areas, online, use hand me downs and some 'wedding' sales may not be for weddings)

as for the new york comment I just picked a city as an example of where prices would be higher and one of the standard high wedding prices hense the 'might' (obviously they can vary, people from the city could choose to have a $1000 wedding and a country bride could choose a $30,000 wedding)

I think apart from the basic structure to the day (i.e. show up, get married, have a meal) I don't think we're following any particular traditions or etiquette! Equal marriage is still relatively new so for many many years I never thought that I would get married so I don't have any rigid idea of what the wedding should be, which is probably for the best as I am not a fan of tradition for tradition's sake anyway.

We had made a decision very early on that we wanted to spend more money on the honeymoon than on the wedding, and didn't want to have a big wedding (partly for that reason but also because we just didn't want a big thing). I wonder how many people spend more on the wedding or the honeymoon? I feel there is quite a lot of pressure to have a lot of guests at weddings and it does become a bit too much like it's for everyone else not the two of you, whereas the honeymoon is just for you. I know that sounds selfish but it's the way I feel about it!

Https://www.chelseamagazines.com/

Looking at this - I don't think we are following any etiquette or traditions!

We have thought of our guests (of course) and have tried to make sure that they will be looked after and provided for to some extent. But those that matter won't mind what you provide for you- they'll want to be there for you. I have a tight budget and, being a young couple also saving for a house, don't really want to go over that budget- something which most people understand.