what have you been 'bullied' into?

Having a wedding with more than 20 people, having a bouquet, having my H2Bs sister as a bridesmaid, having a late-in-to-the-night reception (all by may H2B as he wants these).

Having a full length dress, having a tiara/headpiece, having children at the wedding (by my mum).

Things I have stood firm on- staying the night before my wedding with my H2B, having my best male friend as a bridesmaid, having a church wedding.

I fell in love with a blush coloured dress but my mum wouldn't let me order it even though im paying for it so I've ordered it in ivory. My nan has told me I have to wear my up even though I hate my face and like to hide behind my hair! Again I'm paying for it. My nan also wants me to invite 7 family members I haven't seen for years even though I don't think they will fit in our church and it's £60 each for the meal. My fiancés dad has also said we need to invite 3 members of his stepmothers family so they don't feel left out. But he has offered to pay for them. I don't have any tips for standing your ground unfortunately. I'm going along with all these requests to make them happy although I'm very nervous about my dress!

And I know people say "your wedding, your way" but actually, it's not (for me), it's about joining two families together, getting everyone together to celebrate our lives and the new part of the journey we are embarking on. I've got to the point where I couldn't care less, I'll agree to pretty much anything because at the end of the day the little things don't matter- being married, in front of God, my family and my friends matters to me and having full belly's and warm hearts!

First time round, I was young and niave and was easily pressured into many things....including not having the dress that I really wanted, not having my best friend at the reception because there were too many of our parents' friends who they had to impress by inviting, having fake flowers "because you can keep them on display" (yup, gathering dust, yuk) rather than the beautiful fresh blooms I wanted. (back then, fake flowers were pretty crap, not like the amazing ones you can get today). etc etc.

I went along with it all because I thought it was the right thing to do. Of course, after the event, I saw other weddings and realised that I could have done things differently.

So, this time round, we refused to be pressured/bullied into anything we don't want. It helps that we are older, know what we want, and have the same ideas. It also helps that we are paying, so don't feel beholden to anyone else and their chequebook.

My biggest tip would be to have a big old talk with your H2B. If you are both on the same page, it makes things so much easier, and you will avoid one of you planning something that the other one will dislike.

Sorry, my post above sounded really condescending- it wasn't meant to be. I just feel that I'm being selfish with the "my wedding, my way" thing- I want other people to be happy and confident in our decisions, you won't please everyone but pleasing some and having them feel included in the decisions goes some way.

I agree with this - which is why I think I was so sad that my guest list was not really my guest list, but friends of the parents that were invited because of their status, not because they were people we wanted to get married in front of and share our day with.

I do agree that there are occasions that an element of compromise is needed, so I am not entirely selfish, but I do wish other people would have consideration of the true meaning of the occasion, the reasons for it, and stop trying to hijack it for their own gain!

I haven't been bullied into anything. It is me and my OH getting married, so sorry to sound selfish but i intend for the whole thing to revolve around us with everyone else along for the ride! Of course i want my family and friends involved, but i would never let anyone tell me what to wear, carry, eat or who to invite. We are paying for everything ourselves so i suppose it might be different if parents/other family are paying for stuff. But i do think that sometimes family members need to be reminded about who's wedding it actually is.

Sorry if i sound a little harsh and i absolutely mean no offence to anyone. But we all deserve to have a wedding that will make us happy xx

Not been or being bullied into anything . While it is our wedding our way, I am of the camp that you do it your way while building in what will mean our guests have a good time and considering their needs. For example, our menu considers the age and dietery preferences of our aged dads. It's a safe menu but one we know everyone will love. Our cake is all about us. The vintage coach and picnic are typically us but our guests will love it. Step-daughter to be quickly got over the no - I don't want our gorgeous and adorable 2 year old grandaughter as a bridesmaid, my day, my choice there.

But we are more than once around the block, paying for it all and people know we will only do things our way but in a way that they will love.

I did think that for our after wedding party some 10 days later that OH might "push" for his cousins kids to come, but when he saw the numbers, he was quite happy.

Nothing! We're paying for the wedding so having what we want. I don't think that means we're being selfish and I'm certainly not saying my wedding my way to anyone, it's just that everyone's been happy to let us get on and do what we what. It's really important to me that our guests are happy so we are making sure they are well fed and watered, the venue's easy for them to get to and they can stay over for a reasonable price. There's certain things that I want that oh doesn't (or he thinks they're too expensive) but they're small things that I'm happy to compromise on.

A blush dress sounds lovely - such a shame it isn't what you have ended up with

It was beautiful! I'm hoping my mum is right! Here is the original dress...

Well I hadn't even thought about the expectations for other people contributing to the costs as we are paying for pretty much all of it ourselves but can see what a minefield that must be!!

My parents have agreed to do the same for me as they did for my sister, which was pay for hair and make up and also they paid £1,000 for her photographer. We get a TOG in our package so instead we are getting £1,000 towards something else. H2B and I have decided that we want to put this towards the band and venue for our UK celebration which will be about 3 weeks after our wedding in Italy.

We don't think it very likely that H2Bs family will be contributing as they don't have the money. The only exception may be his dad and we have both discussed this already and anything his dad gives us we will put behind the bar for our guests who are travelling all the way to Italy to spend our day with us.

I agree that it is 'our day' but will be keeping in mind that others are going to a lot of effort for us so we want them to enjoy it as much as possible.

Hi catshoes - you are probably right 'bullied' probably isn't the word I should use in my case. H2B doesn't really have many things he specifically wants with regard to our wedding so of course I am not going to argue with him about the things he does want.

It was just something that was thought provoking to me. I know there are many posts on here where people feel they have been pushed into things which is why I used that phrase. Didn't mean anything by it - was more interested in the sorts of things to prepare for rather than complaining really. Maybe that didn't come across that well in my post.

I suppose I am just trying to learn from others who are more experienced than me and maybe help out some others with ideas if they DO feel pushed into things.

x

It's beautiful Sara - I am sure it also looks lovely in ivory. What a gorgeous back! (I am dying to have a really open backed dress but not sure my bust can handle no support! We will see when we go to try on I guess!)

I think it is lovely that you are having your best male friend as a bridesmaid - will he be wearing the same sort of suit as the other boys? I get exactly what you were trying to say that the most important thing is the end result...being husband and wife. I cant wait to be a wife ?

Wow, reading some peoples experiences makes me feel really lucky that we haven't been 'bullied' into anything.

Sure there's things our parents find 'un-traditional' becasue they didn't do them that way but they are gently reminded that we're paying for it all so we get to choose!

I think it'd be unfair of me to say i've been bullied into things, but i have had an odd decision made i'm not fully happy with. Children being invited is my biggest bugbear, but unavoidable unfortunately. For my family it's fine (as there are no kids!), but h2bs family is travelling and staying a weekend so can't say to his cousins 'can't bring your children'. Instead i think i'm going to ask the TOG to not take pics of the kids :s sounds harsh, but i don't want an assumption of 'oh cute children, let me get lots of shots'. When really i don't even know their names and don't want an album full of them.

h2bs mum wants to invite an old friend, thankfully that's compromised with just an evening invitation. Everything else thankfully ok so far i think...

Tips for standing your ground - i guess you just have to be on the same page as your fiance, so you both feel the same for any upcoming requests. Otherwise one of you will have to be lenient. And in my case it's me leaning!

I can't say I have been 'bullied' .. maybe steam rollered ...!!?

The big thing Is I didnt want a big wedding.. we have ended up at maximum capacity for our venue (130) people.. and they want an 'open house' in the evening which I have asked for this not to happen... I only want people there that are important... that said in the day a load of family that I have not met or met once in 4 years are invited... which I just wouldnt have if it were my wedding and noone elses. I would have had close friends and family.. noone there we didnt really know... as I think thats whats important.

But when it came to offending my in laws or just going along with it I decided to go along with it.

Thats the main thing I didnt want that we have got which is a big thing actually as its stressing me out at the thought of it! I dont like huge numbers of people I dont know very well and meeting new people so on my wedding day its not top of my list of things I want to do !!

I spent the first two hours of my engagement party being introduced to people and pulled to various groups of people to meet them and I didnt get to spend anytime with my close family who had travelled to attend or my friends ... I didnt enjoy it one bit and thats my biggest fear.

Other things like I didnt want to throw my boqouet, didnt want a recieving line... both we have said no X amount of times and it keeps being pushed and pushed so I am going along with it.. not a huge deal.

The other big thing is I dont want a free bar yet my in laws seems insistent on having one and paying for it.. we have tried every which way to explain why we dont want one... & the conversation is closed with lets wait and see. & then the next time it comes up its back to having a free bar again!!?

Aside from arguing about it now as we have tried everything else ... there is nothing we can do and they are lovely parents / in laws they really are so it is just not worth arguing about☹️

I would agree with this. OH's mum is a real challenge for me but I wouldn't say she's bullied me into anything - mainly because I've given in to avoid an argument before it could get to that stage. OH finds it very hard to say no to her which doesn't help.

We actually changed our venue twice because of her - and while I love our venue now, it took me a while to not resent the whole thing for not being a choice I made with my OH as a couple.
There are multiple people on our guest list that neither of us want - some of which I have never met and my OH hasn't seen for years. There has been talk of my OH's parents paying for them to come and if that doesn't happen I think there may be some arguments - which might in the end lead to me being 'bullied' into it. But I do feel like if there is room and it doesn't come out of our budget, I don't care too much. I don't have to spend time with them on the day, there will be plenty of other people I'll be too busy talking to!
She is singing at our ceremony, which is something I never wanted - nothing to do with her voice, I would find the whole situation incredibly uncomfortable no matter how good a voice she has. The compromise on this one is that we will be signing the register at the time so the idea is that we won't really be paying attention to it.

In short, there are things she has decided on our behalf that have made me unhappy but it is very much a case of like others have said, going along with things to avoid a bigger fuss.

We had originally planned to elope until my H2B's mum had a heart attack and he decided he wanted her there. Obviously I couldn't say no in the circumstances and I didn't want to, but having guests has triggered me into suffering a lot of anxiety about my appearance. It's a bummer but I guess maybe when we get there I'll be glad we had our families there! Or that's what I'm hoping. The only other thing is favours - my H2B suddenly decided he wanted them and I didn't see the point. I told him if he paid we could have them, and he has, so that's fine

Hmmm not sure if I have been bullied or not....we decided to have a church wedding nearly 600 miles away from where we live so that it would accomodate OH grandparents and so my mum could do the service. Both of us agree if possible we would have got married on a beach and had a BBQ there too. I don't feel bullied into it though as we are then doing things our own way with the reception venue.

I've had a few times you need to invite such and such from the FMIL but I don't mind that as it's only the evening bit all our other guests are for the full day so don't mind 6 people coming along for a dance.

My mum has come out with I don't like that idea - response is it's our wedding and we are paying for it. She hated the idea of me going to Vietnam to get dresses made with the bridesmaid until we went bridal shopping and she almost fell off her seat with the price tag!

We are not having meat at our wedding and I have had people (including family) try to bully me on that one - my response is don't come if you don't want to - we are still not having meat!

Like Kimiu nothing this time around. 1st time I went along with things to please my parents, who were paying. And also my ex who I now realise wasn't that bothered anyway! This time and 30 years older and wiser I am doing it my way, well mine and my partners way. We are having just what we want with no interference from anyone else.

OH was guilt-tripped by his family to do the legal bit on the day, there and then. As a result I had to compromise. Initially we wanted a humanist celebrant, and do the legalities another day. They have tried to insist on long distance family to come to the wedding, but aftet us repeatingly saying hell no, this our day, they soon backed off!!

Nothing. Fiance and I set out determined to do exactly what we wanted (having both compromised first time round) and that's exactly what we've done.

I have been asked (pleaded) to invite FMIL's close friends (5) however, we are at maximum capacity with our family and close friends. I just can't see how i can prioritise them over anyone else, plus what about my parents family friends? Not really fair to invite one without the other. Who do we remove, our friends (i have a small family, so people i am close to being at the ceremony is important to me)

I was up thinking about it last night. If its brought up again, i think I'm going to show them the guest list & ask them to decide who to swap them for, but it certainly won't be my family or friends. Then i'm back to my parents friends who i grew up with, are they not worthy of a place?

4 out of 5 of these people are so self centred, don't always include his parents with group invites, look down on his dad (they are all quite wealthy) and whenever i have spoken to them, all they talk about is their friends and show absolutely no interest in us at all.

I am quite upset that they have even asked when they know we are at capacity already & we couldn't invite children as we would have like because of this. Its really bothered me. They have also mentioned that they are going to give us some money to put behind the bar which, i understand is generous, but doesn't really help us, as we are having a pay bar & can't actually afford some things we would like, i.e. a tog. Money behind the bar is for them to impress their friends and not actually a gift to us.

Vintage Gal you can do what we are doing - we have said no OH unless we know both as a couple (already had backlash to this but oh well!) so what we have said is we would love to invite everyone but we can't due to capacities therefore if you want a plus one please contact us and we will see if others cannot attend.

Can you do something similar with the FMIL friends? Say sorry we are at capacity but when we get closer to the time we can look again? It might keep the peace. Or invite them to the evening?