What si the best way to word... if any!!

Sorry but are you serious? you're asking your guests to pay for their own meal at your wedding?

in an ideal world i'd love to have everyone that i want there, but i can't afford it, so we're not. we just haven't invited them, and told them that the budget means we can't. in an ideal world i'd love a jenny packham dress, but i can't afford it, so i'm not.

if you can't afford it you need to think of cheaper options or just not invite people.

What Bluewater said....

....also, couldn't you just have a cheaper alternative to a sit down meal?

A BBQ,

A hog roast,

A finger / fork buffet?

In my opinion, asking people to pay will make people feel guilty for coming and they may well resent it.

Sorry but what bluewater said! thats quite frankly just rude in my opinion. If people offer to pay for themselves that is a different matter!

if you can't afford to invite them, either don't or find a cheaper alternative. Can they come to your evening do? Can you organise a night out or dinner party after your wedding and honeymoon? if you're organising dinner with friends and its after your wedding and you make a point of it just being dinner with friends then you are in no way obligated to pay for anyone but yourselves.

Also theres still the old tradition of sending cake to those who couldnt come.

<getting my super strength glasses out to read you post, lol>

Sorry , but i agree with Bluewater, i would personally find it a bit rude. If the budget doesn't stretch, then you may need to re-think your plans. Its one thing to ask for money or vouchers as your pressie, but to pay for their own meal seems a bit much.

Sorry, but you'll always get honest advise from us hitchers, theres no fluffing up the truth here!!

Although if you intend in asking for money, surely this should amount to the same thing really? so could you not try and fund the meal yourselfs and then you 'present money' would then kind of pay that back??

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

I think you should just not invite the ones you cant afford!

i think i would be a bit put out being asked to pay to attend a wedding - after all you have to pay for travel, present, new outfit etc.

If you canne afford to invite them to the day how about just inviting to the reception??

Karen, I'm not keen on the idea....you wouldn't invite people round to your house and expect them to bring their own meal, and I'd personally be put off attending if it was "you can come, but you need to pay." Although you've said about guests not bringing a gift, there are other costs such as childcare, drinks (as I'm guessing if they're paying for food, they need to buy their own drink too), Outfits, Taxi's or hotels. Going to a wedding as a guest is not cheap!

I think you'd be better looking at your budget and working your wedding to that. Not planning your ideal wedding and expecting other people to foot the bill.

I'd say you'd be better off looking at cutting costs or cutting the number of guests (as bluewater said).

No............but I once went for a Sunday roast at my Grandparent's (Dad's side) house and after the meal they brought out an "invoice" which included all the ingredients, electricity costs and labour costs!!!!! I burst out laughing and said, "are you serious?" They answered, with a bemused expression, "Yes. We do it with all our friends!"

Dad begrudgingly, ended up having to pay £13.76 for the two of us!

We were horrified!

(they've never done this since!)

Thanks for the honest advice,.

I guess as we havent got the money we will just cross them off the list. As it is all my christmas money and birthday money is going towrds the wedding. We're saving monthly for it too but really don’t want to get into debt for it.

I just thought it was a way that might be okay and that people would understand given how ridiculously expensive weddings are.

I wouldn’t be offended if I was asked that, maybe im strange.

I wasn’t planning on asking everyone to pay just an offer to the people that are otherwise off the list for the meal as the money doesn’t stretch that far.

I tried hiring and catering seperately even more expensive than what im currently paying.

Ive looked into all options of a cheaper venue to be more inclusive but I just cant find it.

That's REALLY unfair, as it's suggesting that they aren't "as good" as the other guests.

Yep Karen i think the best thing to do then is cut down your list and ask the people who you cant have at the meal to attend the evening instead

Oh my word!

ouch. WSS.

sorry but weddings don't HAVE to be anything. they don't have to be expensive - you can get married in a local registry office, and have your reception at home, or a local restaurant, or a local church hall - all MUCH cheaper options, and more than viable. you don't need to do the sit down dinner.

Thats just it, if ive learnt anything over the last few weeks from my parents and mr delicious' parents, people just dont realise that what we're spending on weddings is because its hard to get the figures down and not just because we're being overly extravagant! our budget is what i would call small to medium and yet my parents are saying we're being ridiculous wanting to spend upwards of £5000. So i dont think you can just expect people to know how expensive weddings actually are these days, if they havent recently had one themselves.

I do think your best option is to just say sorry but budget doesnt allow.

ETA i agree with bluewater again. If you wanted it to be less expensive there are plenty of other ways of doing it. What annoys me about my parents is they agree we should be having the country house wedding, but our budget is apparently too big.

Hi Karen! I think your best options would be to either downsize your guest list OR go for a buffet or BBQ etc as these are often cheaper per head than a formal sit down meal, in this way you would be able to invite more people!

I would never ask anyone to pay for their won meal at a wedding!

I didnt really wnat to go into costs but the budget is £6000.

The meal per head including drink is £37.50 each.

I tried to get less than that and I couldnt find it.

Think about it even christmas dinner or valentines dinner costs more than that per head.

Either way peole are going to be put aout I guess. Put out they werent invited or put out about the suggestion of forgoing a present.

My friend is getting married at gretna and has only immediate family but I would have happily paid all my costs if she wanted it bigger but couldnt afford it.

The point is if you want the wedding youre having you will probably have to make compromises somewhere. if you're not willing to cut down your guest list then what other things can you compromise on?

Karen, that budget is easily manageable....

I see your point about Christmas or Valentines. Not meaning to be blunt, but its your wedding, so its special to you, but its not as special to everyone else. £37.50 per head as a couple is £75, which is a lot more than I'd be spending on a present!

If its only the people you are not as important to be there you're asking to pay, I wouldn't bother inviting them at all for the meal, and invite them on the evening perhaps.

K. i have just read this post from start to finish and i agree with everything that the others have said.

With your budget you need to invite accordingly. If you can only afford to invite 20 people then thats all you invite. If you really want 50 to attend then you need to rethink your venue and costs so that it is possible on your budget.

Weddings are expensive for guests. We turned down a wedding in april because we couldnt afford 4 new outfits and a hotel for the night (it was too far away to drive back from) on top of drinks and petrol. If we had to have paid for food too we wouldnt have even discussed it.

Is the venue something you can change? If it is I would suggest going for something like a bbq or a buffet. Another option might be to have a morning ceremony and have a lunchtime reception as this should cut costs a lot if your venue is willing to do it (we went to one wedding like this and still got to do dancing etc - I think we were finished by about 3pm or so but it allowed the venue to use the recption for the night as well). If the amount of guests are quite important to you then I would suggest (as others have already said) cutting down on other things that aren't as important to you such as the cake, flowers, type of transport, music etc. You might also be able to find some relatives or close friends that could help you out with things such as making the cake or driving you in their nice car to the church? It can't hurt to ask and I think as long as you do it in a way that if someone wasn't comfortable doing something then they could say no without feeling like they were offending you or vice versa then there's no harm in it - some people would probably even feel quite privilieged to be asked. I think if you have a sit-down with your OH and discuss the most important aspects of your wedding day then you will be able to get the kind of day you want for your budget ?

All the best xxx

P.S. Apologies for any spelling mistakes - spelling is not my forte! ?

I'm really sorry, but asking for your guests to pay for their meal is really rude in my opinion. I wouldnt dream of asking this, and to be honest, unless it was a very close family member or friend I wouldnt pay for my meal at a wedding either.

There must be another option, like have a late ceremony and just have evening buffet. Or as others have said, a bbq or hog roast.

I'm not altogether against your idea and totally understand where you're coming from. Here's an alternative. Ask guests for money rather than presents,,,,then some of that money can be used to pay off the wedding. I've been to quite a few weddings recently where its been money rather than presents.....so is quite acceptible.

I have to agree with everyone else, it's really rude to ask someone to pay for their meal, even more so to only ask a few of them to do it. i'd be really annoyed if i'd been asked yet half didn't have to pay. can you not compromise somewhere else if you really want that many guests?

you could try making as much stuff as possible by hand. lots of people on here hand make things and you'd be surprised how much you can save. call in favours from family and friends who have skills you can use. my dad is a photographer so he's doing Deliciouswitchchild's wedding. my OH's gran is amazin at cake decorating so she's going to do my cake for me. we have family friends as our band and my brother and OH's dad taking the casual shots throughout the day. even if you just get your bridesmaids around for a girly night in, with a few bottles of wine, and you make invites or favours.

If you really look into it you can save in lots of different places

Maybe im sourcing parts from the wrong places but im doing my invites myself the cake too, flowers my nan is doing and im borrowing a car from a friend and paying insurance for the day to keep the costs down.. not sure where else I can cost save really.

My cancel it all and just do a registry office is the solution.

Hmmmmm.......what about your favours? i don't know what else to suggest. the only things i can think of is not inviting some people or trying to change your reception. sorry i can't be more help

I disagree, I think that is highly unacceptable. If I gave money as a wedding present (which I would have no problem doing), I'd be seriously pissed off if I found out it had been used to subsidise the wedding day. If you can't afford to have the day you want either don't do it or economise, expecting your guests to foot the bill is not on.

i disagree! i wouldnt mind what someone spent the money i had given them on. If they want to put it towards paying off the wedding fine, if they want to pay for their honeymoon fine, if they want to buy a dog - fine!!

Karen - i dont think you need to rethink venue you just need to cut numbers - why not have immediate family only and no kids - surley that would cut down your guest list?

Are you actually getting married in a venue then?

I ma getting married in the register office, and its costing me about £400 but that is because i didnt want the statatory marriage room which is free (and looked like an office) so i went for the pretty room which i had to pay for.

If you contact your register office and ask the cost of the ceremony and regisra fee. It will probebly save you a massive ammount.

but how would anyone know how you'd used the money if you didn't tell them?

For people I know who have asked for money instead of presents.....no one questioned where the money would be used!

TBH its not what the money would be spent on that I think is wrong its the assumption that everyone will give you a gift! A lot of our guests are having to travel a fair distance and many are choosing to stay in a hotel overnight to attend our wedding and therefore already spending a lot of money just to be there - I would never assume that they would be getting us a gift on top of that. It would be lovely if they did - and lots have already asked us what we would like but to assume that is a bit cheeky if you ask me.

I think its very rude to ask someone to pay for their meal, espeshially in lieu of a present that you have decided that they were planning to get you.

Just out of interest - how many do you have on your guest list currently?

If you're happy with that then great. For me, when I buy a wedding present, I want it to be something that will be a lasting reminder of the day. I've given money to a friend before because they wanted to buy dining room furniture which is fine. If someone asked me for money to pay for their wedding day then I honestly would ignore that request and either get them some vouchers or a gift of my choosing. I really do believe that if you have to ask people to pay towards your wedding then it's time to scale things down and chose a more affordable option.

I probably ask in all honesty. And I'd expect a thank you card to say something along the lines of 'Thank you for your money, we spent it on x'. At least, that is what I would do if I received money as a present, not just for a wedding but birthdays, Christmas etc.

i will be doing this even if it involves afew white lies.

My other half is being made redundant 2 weeks after the wedding and hasnt got another job yet. any money we get may be spent on keeping a roof over our heads!

I do however think, that our nearest and dearest would prefer we used money on that than a new table or lamp if we are homeless ?