What To Do Now?

KB I really feel for you. I have no experience of this but can appreciate it must be really hard. I think taking yourself out of it and following your last few lines is a good idea, otherwise he might end up either resentful or too reliant on you. Best of luck xx

Thanks. I am getting a bit concerned that resentment is being held towards me over it in all honesty, which is equally as upsetting. Its hard though - like he said himself that he is bound to do it in nightclubs so I am nervous about giving him free reign again - in the sense of if I'm trusting him I can't be asking the next day 'did you do it' - so if I'm not asking will he see that as an opportunity to just do it as I'll never find out etc. What a mess.

Initial thoughts make me feel he's being really immature, but then he might just not be settling down just yet (for all I know, you two could both be teenagers which then, fair enough, I'd be expecting you to be needing to go out with friends) - but, being on a wedding forum, I'd generally think you were further along in your relationship to be past that need and it'd be more important to be spending time with each other?

Honestly, I've not been in that situation that way round as its OH who is completely anti-drugs, and when we first started our relationship, for probably the first 6-12 or so months we were both always out with friends as teenagers do, but OH made it clear he doesn't like drugs and didnt want me carrying on with what I was doing, and I loved him, so yes I did stop. Wouldn't you do anything possible to make your OH happy when you're in love? We soon moved in together, and we're basically inseparable and have been for the last 5+ years we've lived together. I'm not saying we don't go out together or on our own with friends (OH is out with his at the moment) - but we always look forward to coming home to each other.

Obviously relationships progress at different speeds, but my own thoughts are if you're not young and not in a fairly new relationship - I would be querying his thoughts on the relationship as a whole, as to why his need to be out with friends so much, and to why he's happy to continue what you disagree with so much, is much more important to him than being with you and making sure your happy?

Why exactly is it you don't like him taking drugs? Does his behaviour change towards you as a result? or is it the safety/legality of it that concerns you?

I think a curfew is really a bad idea that would end in a lot of resentment. I know if anybody tried to give me a curfew I would tell them where to go. How often are these nights out when he does them? Is there any particular reason you don't go out with him?

If he has been doing them the whole time you have been together it is obviously a large part of his social life and who he is as a person therefore you are fundamentally asking him to change who he is as a person and this is the person it seems you have already accepted a marriage proposal from and by doing so it is almost like you have accepted him for who he is so it seems a bit late in the day to try and change who is now.

Drugs aside try to imagine if the situation was reversed and he started to tell you what you can and can't do, what you can wear for example imagine how that would make you feel.

We have been together for over 6 years, living together for 3 early next year, and he is 8 years older than me. We are not teenagers by any means. I'm in my mid-20's and him early 30's. His friends are immature in the sense that they are all out every weekend (doing drugs). Majority being single. OH doesn't go out every weekend, it varies really, average once every eight weeks at a guess. I do know what your saying though, I often wonder what the big appeal is. But his friends have always meant a lot to him. I've always had the same outlook on the drugs as you do - you loved your OH so you stopped, which is why I struggle to understand why my OH didn't. I don't doubt for a second that he doesn't love me, everything else is perfect, I've said to him before that I can't piece together the man who would do anything for me with this man who won't do this for me. I guess my situation now is that he keeps saying he isn't doing it / won't do it, and I just don't believe it, clearly. Whose problem is that? Bit of both I guess. Its like when someone cheats, you say you will forgive them, yet you can't and keep bringing it on / suspecting they will do it again.

I agree. I never stated the curfew though - it was his idea, he said he knew he would do drugs if he stayed out past that time as it would mean going to a nightclub where he wouldn't be able to resist. Since hearing that - naturally I've not wanted him to be out late enough to hit a nightclub! I'd of much rather his response be that he won't do them and mean it etc.

My problem with him doing it started with the health risks, generally that I have always been anti-drugs and in all honesty I'm ashamed that he does it. Its kind of developed from that though, its now the fact that he has lied about it for so long / not stopped it knowing how much it upsets me. I know it must be a large part of his social life but he has known from day one I didn't like it so if he didn't want to stop it then why not put his foot down then when I was putting mine down RE him stopping it?

I appreciate what your saying completely, but I do think if he asked me not to do something because it was upsetting him that I'd stop it in a heartbeat.

I wish I could give you big hugs! Its getting late at night to be worrying really, but then I'm sure us girls always have these niggly issues that always come up this time of night.

I don't know how easy they are to come by, but maybe see a relationship counciler (sp?) before it does get a bit too much as little issued usually do snowball into bigger ones. They must be the most qualified in ways to get around this, and trust issued must be quite common to them for relationship issues.

Apart from that, I really don't have any other thoughts. Just like I say, big hugs ?

I've commented on your last thread and I'm sorry that things don't really seem to have improved.

I, however, stand by my original opinion. You've told him not to do something because it upsets you, but he refuses to stop. Or worse, says he will and then lies about it.

You don't trust him, and as he won't stop AND he lies to you, he seems to have no respect for you.

You can't, in my opinion, marry someone, whose lifestyle choices you disapprove of, and who lies to you and disrespects you in the way it seems he does.

You may think you can put up with it, but when you're spending your life with someone and potentially having children with them, you cannot just 'put up'.

Thanks. I do understand what your saying and its kind of weird / nice to hear / know I'm not completely over-reacting. I have told him that part of my fear of him doing it again is that I don't know how I'll react. I think it will involve me walking out the house, how long for is debatable, but it really is like last chance salon as far as I'm concerned now. I think he knows this. Its funny as now I've lifted this curfew which he invented he is now staying out late tonight. Can't help but think so when I'm pinning you down over this - you can't stay out because your bound to do it, but as soon as you get fed up and want to go back out / stay out again - you can resist? Whats changed in the matter of a few weeks? Need to remember to give the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he's realised that the alternate option - i.e. staying in is not worth the bother of doing it in the first place. Charming really - that stops him but me balling my eyes out over it doesn't.

Totally agree with this. If you can’t (truly) accept it, and he won’t stop, then there really is no way forward.

My H got together with me when I was a smoker, he knew this and accepted it. He didn’t like the fags but he knew it was a part of me and potentially could be forever. I quit, partly for him, mainly for me - but the point is we both knew the score and were ok with it. You are not. You cannot live like this. I said it before, same as many people did, and I’m saying it again. Unfortunately I have the feeling that it will fall on deaf ears, but I really do hope things work out for you.

Thanks for your reply. I appreciate what your saying but its very hard to not be with someone you love because of something that most of the time you can put to the back of your mind. Its even harder when they are promising they won't do it anymore - I know 'again' - but what if this time is different? If it isn't then thats a completely different story.

From experience, I would say that love him or not, you will be signing up to a potential life of misery unless he sorts out his drug issue. Saying he has to take drugs if he goes clubbing sounds a real lame excuse and if he is prepared to put that ahead of his relationship with you then its a relationship that is destined to fail.

If I was you, I'd make no rules for him because that will definitely backfire going forward, I would simply tell him how much you love him BUT that if drugs feature in his life IN ANY WAY then you are moving on without hesitation. Make it "drugs or me" and make him choose ..... even if you are bluffing.

You don't want to share your life with somebody with a drugs habit ..... things will spiral downwards very quickly !

Thanks all. I've said I'm having nothing to do with 'rules' but if he does do it then there will be no wedding. Not sure if he is now sulking because I keep using the wedding as threat on this issue. In all honesty though, marriage makes you think more into the future than you do when your not engaged. I've put up with it but I'm not prepared to risk 'having' to put up with it then because I don't know if I will / can.

I'd agree with your approach, but be a little stricter. I would make it clear to him that you know when he has been doing drugs regardless of what he says, and that if you see him in that state, you WILL walk away. Not "no wedding" - that's no huge incentive to him - he still will share a house with you and enjoy all the good things about being with you. You have to pack your bags and walk away, and make him see how serious you are. If that's not a wake-up call, nothing will be. However, you need to go through with it and no hints that you'll be going back until he's sorted himself out.

I have a friend who was engaged to a drug user who promised he'd stop. It was fairly obvious he was on drugs on the wedding day, she still thought he'd change. Naturally he didn't, and they divorced shortly afterwards. If she'd done the whole walking away thing before the wedding, it would have spared a lot of money and heartache.

Its a hard situation to be in. I've learnt though, through experience, that you can't change him, only he can change and you can either hang around waiting him for to change, which may or may happen, or accept that this is your life now or not. I used to go out with a drug user. Idolised him, tried to change him, failed, was told that drugs were always going to be part of his life, so that it was ME that had to accept it. We broke up shortly afterwards.

I bumped into him in London on the tube of all places, 7 years after we broke up, and I agreed to meet him for lunch (I had been married for 2 years and was 7 months pregnant at the time). WOW he said, that could have been my baby, we could have had a life together, I screwed it all up because of drugs. Seconds later he then told we how wasted he'd got the previous weekend and how funny it was.

It was sad. So so sad and that WOULD have been my life if I'd stayed. I was worth so much more, and so are you. If someone could give you a glimpse of the future, the clubbing won't last forever. we all get older, and those things fall to the sideline, but what comes next for him? Doing drugs in the house, getting wasted with his mates, whilst you've been up half the night with a baby? Life is hard, marriage is hard work (trust me, I've been married 14 years, with 2 children) and you need to give yourself the BEST possible chance. If he can't see how this is affecting your relationship now BEFORE the wedding, before starting a family, he may never do. Don't ever settle in life. Life is too short x

PS: Why does he need to take drugs, perhaps that's a question you need to ask him?