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ToBeMrsHouse
Beginner August 2014

What's in a name?

ToBeMrsHouse, 8 May, 2014 at 23:18 Posted on Planning 0 42

That which we call a rose, by any other name would smell as sweet.

...But Romeo and Juliet died in the end, so what the heck did they know? I think there is a lot in a name, which is why I'm having a major dilemma about mine. My surname is my identity, I have come to love it and so I am already mourning the loss of it when I get married. I know there are other options, like keeping my maiden name (but I do really want to take my partners too), or getting a double-barrelled combination of both (which is the better solution, but I didn't know it would need a deed poll). I am dithering and would be grateful for your opinions:

1) Double-barrelled name:

PROS

*My name is part of my identity and I don't want to lose it.

*I am a feminist, and part of me resents phallocentric traditions.

*This way I could switch between the two and they would be both legally my name.

CONS

*I will have to apply for a deed-poll, and I don't know when to do this (before, on, or after the wedding), and as it's not as common I worry about the administrative complications - I don't want to start something I'll regret. I'm a fan of convenience, and even my boycott of Starbucks sometimes lapses when I'm doing my food shopping at the Sainsbury's with a 'Bucks attached... :s

2) Taking his name and using my maiden name for work still:

PROS

*I am lead to believe I can do this - I am an English teacher, so my students would still call me by my maiden name.

*I like his name and love his family - they are a family that I idolise in many ways and are more unified than mine, so this is something I aspire to and would be proud to be officially a part of.

*Although I am a feminist and hate phallocentric traditions, I am a big fan of traditions in general. They make life familiar and choices easier (often). Also, by keeping my maiden name I am only essentially keeping my father's father's father's name. Actually that's a lie - My grandfather's surname was Jewish, so he changed it in the war and chose, not his wife's maiden name, which would have been the obvious, thoughtful thing to do, but the surname of an admiral who he'd never met. This is my surname - something my grandfather chose from a guy in the army. So in effect my current surname itself is not particularly femin-ethic. And my father has very little to do with me too. Nevertheless, it's MY name, so I do still like it.

CONS

*The only thing that's concerning me is if I need to officially change it at work because I will change my bank details (I guess...) - it's on my work email and pigeon hole, etc and I wouldn't want them to change. Or perhaps I just don't tell my bank about my married name? But we'll be applying for a mortgage soon after the wedding and I don't know if this will complicate that.

I guess I probably need to do more research and/or speak to human resources at work. Are any of you having similar dilemmas? Any advice? Anything I've said that's a load of rubbish?

PS, my Year 11s have done their first GCSE English exam today and I'm all emosh, it's like my chicks are flying the nest, so please don't have a go at my complete over-thinking of these things (after all, what's in a name?), or I might just cry :'(

42 replies

Latest activity by MRS RB, 8 June, 2014 at 17:57
  • Shamy
    Beginner September 2014
    Shamy ·
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    Like you I'm quite attached to my surname, as all my course certificates have that name on I'm not keen on shedding it as soon as we get married, so I think I'm going to double barrell. My name isn't the official family name either as my dad changed the first letter, but it's still my name.

    A deed poll is really simple to do. I hadn't thought about the implications of double barrelling until now but it would never occur to me to do it until after the wedding. I can't see me changing my passport until it expires anyway as it costs money!

    I've seen previous posters on this subject saying they are going to make their maiden name their middle name, but I think that would need a deed poll too (?)

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  • ToBeMrsHouse
    Beginner August 2014
    ToBeMrsHouse ·
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    Yes, that would. My friend (who told me that I couldn't just rock up on the day expecting to double-barrel) is getting married a month after me wants to have hers as a middle name, but she has looked into it and it does need a deed poll too.

    The sloth in me is just wanting to take his name. I think I'll speak to work asap to see if I can keep my maiden name easily. ... or maybe I'll DB... I DON'T KNOoooooooooooW ?

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  • Paula @ Ollievision
    Paula @ Ollievision ·
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    I had the same dilemma when I got married. My maiden name, Greenwood, is a traditional Yorkshire name. I can trace my family back to the middle ages and my uncle actually found our coat of arms! My husband has the utterly boring name of "Brown." To make it even worse, it was a double barrelled name like Morgan-Brown but his great grandfather dropped the first part. So they are not even proper Browns!

    Hence I was very reluctant to give up my surname. I kept Greenwood at work for a couple of years but never escaped the confusion it caused people. Gradually, I became Brown by default. I've been married over 20 years now and everyone knows me as Brown (or Ollievision!)

    But the funny thing is that our Yorkshire family identity has passed to my son - he thinks of himself as a Greenwood and not a Brown!

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  • Lizzywills
    Beginner August 2014
    Lizzywills ·
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    So glad it's not just me, but don't think I'm going to be any help due to this!!

    i want to keep my name and take my h2b's, but I don't want to be double barrelled as it's a mouthful. My son has the same name as me (not his dad's, who isn't my H2B) and he wants to keep his nam as it's his granddads name who who passes away a couple of years ago. I don't think I want a different name to my child (I'll feel like I'm dumping him for h2b)and I don't know if I want the same name as H2B's ex wife!!!

    i love my name and it also wasn't even my dad's original name, his mum hitched up with someone new way back when and changed her children's names to his.

    Like I said no help, but I'm hoping it will just decide for me, when the decision has to be made I will make the right one.

    Sm trying to double check my grammar, punctuation and spelling so I don't get a D but it's difficult on an iPhone in bed. :-)

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  • W
    Beginner December 2014
    WinterBride14 ·
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    I like you all felt that I didnt want to lose my 'family' name or what was more important to me was that it was my Dad's name who is no longer with us. I have a 16 year old son who also has my name (I didnt give him his fathers name for reasons not important to this post). I discussed it with both my OH & my son & it was actually my son who made me see sense!

    His response was.......he doesnt need a name to tell him who he is. Whatever my surname is, he will change his to match - his idea. He will still be the same person no matter what surname he has!

    So, to quote the OP.....WHAT'S IN A NAME?! You will still be the same person you are now, your family is not going to dis-own you because you take your OH's name or DB it.

    For me, we wanted to be seen as a family unit & so we will all have my OH surname.

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  • ToBeMrsHouse
    Beginner August 2014
    ToBeMrsHouse ·
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    *I'm

    ... I kid! I'm not a grammar nazi at all. This is an online forum and there's nothing wrong with dressed down language or mistakes in this kind of context in my mind!

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  • ForTheLoveOfMrsBrown
    Beginner January 2012
    ForTheLoveOfMrsBrown ·
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    I didn't change mine. Either you want to keep it or you don't. Any half-arsed measures would confuse me. Plus, how can I be making a stand against the patriarchy if I'm using his name at home?

    I learned this week that hyphenated double-barrelled names are nouveau/arriviste. Apparently posher to gave both names unhyphenated!

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  • InkedDoll
    VIP January 2015
    InkedDoll ·
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    I was prepared for this dilemma as my name is very unusual and I chose it myself (took out a deed poll about 15yrs ago), so I am very attached to it and wouldn't want to give it up. H2B has a very plain, common surname that I wouldn't really want to take. And my name is double barrelled already (in a sense, it's two separate words) so double barrelling with H2B's wouldn't work. But I did also have that sense that I want my H2B and I to be a family, and to share the same name.

    All these concerns were alleviated when H2B immediately and without any prompting offered to take my surname. So that's what we're doing. He hasn't seen his dad since he was five, so he has no emotional attachment to his name. He's gonna have the deed poll prepared and as soon as we're back home after the wedding, he'll get it signed and witnessed. It would be nice to have had that as part of our ceremony, but everyone there is either a relative or a stranger (the minister etc) so there's nobody there who can witness it. But if that was an option, that's what we'd do. I think if you're taking out a deed poll to double barrel or whatever, that would be a really nice way to do things.

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  • InkedDoll
    VIP January 2015
    InkedDoll ·
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    I did find that when I took a name comprising of two words, I sensed a hitherto totally unexpected poshness in it Smiley smile which is hilarious to me as I'm from Northern working class stock and extremely not-posh.

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  • cinnamon009
    Beginner December 2014
    cinnamon009 ·
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    I'm taking his name. My surname is from the father than abandoned us as a child so I have no ties to that side of the family anymore. I did toy with the idea of keeping my name for work but its not like I'm famous or anything! Work will get used to it.

    A friend of mine kept her name but then when they had kids she wanted the same name as her children so changed it!

    Can I ask when you were choosing your name for the forum what made you pick soon to be mrs house? Were you leaning towards taking his name then?

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  • cymruangel
    Beginner December 2014
    cymruangel ·
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    To the OP - shouldn't be a problem changing your name on all the official stuff, bank statements and the like, but still being known professionally by your maiden name, my former boss did this and had no problems at all, you just need to explain to your HR department. They should even be able to do your pay slips in married name, regardless of what you're known as at school.

    If you choose this option and are then applying for a mortgage, you would have to declare your maiden name anyway for credit checks, and can make it clear at this point that you are still known as this professionally, shouldn't cause you any problems at all.

    Let us know what you decide eventually!

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  • ToBeMrsHouse
    Beginner August 2014
    ToBeMrsHouse ·
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    I've always wanted to take his, just not to lose mine either. I want to have the best of both worlds and use both names, but I just don't know how to go about it. I'm going to speak to HR this week I think. At the moment I'm feeling I'll just take his and use mine for work, so I'll see how easy that is for HR. I'm sure it's okay at my current job, but if I move schools I wonder if it will be as easy.

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  • *Mini*
    Beginner January 2012
    *Mini* ·
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    I imagine it would be pretty basic. We have lots of people where I work who have a married name out if work and have retained their maiden name in work. It's really not a big deal, I'm sure the hr team will cope.

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  • Melancholie
    Beginner December 2014
    Melancholie ·
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    I changed mine the first time round (under pressure from the ex) and will change again this time, mainly because I don't want to keep the ex's name.

    I'm also an English teacher. You don't have to change it at work. They can call you one thing in the classroom and send your salary to account with another name. A former colleague of mine kept her maiden name at school, as did my cousin who is an IT teacher.

    I work with someone who married last summer and double-barrelled. She didn't mention having to have a deed poll. Will ask her.

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  • Chucklevision
    Beginner July 2015
    Chucklevision ·
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    I'm struggling with this too. But my only options are to keep my name or take his. I personally am not a fan of double a barrelled names & find them a bit pretentious - that said I do understand why it's a popular choice. X

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  • Forever Wedding Dance
    Rockstar September 2013
    Forever Wedding Dance ·
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    You may have seen this already but here is a link to the legalities which may help you with your decision: http://www.ukdps.co.uk/AWomansRightsUponMarriage.html

    I got married last year and haven't legally changed my name yet although am about to do so as my (late) honeymoon this summer is booked in my married name. I've been keeping my maiden name at work although my friends / family all call me Mrs Married Name already. My plan was to keep my name at work because as someone who mainly freelances, I am easily found online and recommended by clients in my maiden name and I wouldn't want to lose that, however I am already finding this kind of dual identity a little irritating and once I have done it legally I imagine I will eventually shift everything into my married name.

    Btw I would have liked the option of making my maiden name by middle name (a la Victoria Coren Mitchell) but our names just don't sound good together in that order sadly, otherwise that would have been perfect for me.

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  • pammy67
    Beginner April 2015
    pammy67 ·
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    Changing your name by deed poll is no biggie. It's easy and free to do. Using the ukdps site, and the other private agencies, will incur a charge and for something you can do yourself very easily. Have a look at the govt site:

    https://www.gov.uk/change-name-deed-poll

    also check out these sites that tell you more:

    http://www.theguardian.com/money/2013/jun/29/deed-poll-websites-avoid

    http://freedeedpoll.co.uk

    If you have a printer you can do it at home and it is no different to paying an agency to do it for you. You can do it at the same time as you get married, get your marriage witnesses to witness the deed poll and it's done. I get really cross by sites that charge for free government services.

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  • Hoddy
    Beginner July 2014
    Hoddy ·
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    This is similar to me. Although my surname is Italian and I get tons of compliments on how unusual and lovely it is I can't wait to be rid of it. It is the only thing tying me to my waste of space 'father'. OH's surname is just as unusual so I won't miss mine at all in that sense and I just always wanted to take my husbands name.

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  • bliss_balloons
    bliss_balloons ·
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    My surname has nothing to do with my identity, it's just a name. I've never really understood people's strong attachment to their's.

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  • ForTheLoveOfMrsBrown
    Beginner January 2012
    ForTheLoveOfMrsBrown ·
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    My career is founded entirely on my maiden name. I have published work, written a bit of a textbook, won prizes.

    If you put my First-name His-surname into the appropriate academic search engines, I am lost.

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  • InkedDoll
    VIP January 2015
    InkedDoll ·
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    I chose my surname myself. It was a huge decision to me to change it and I named myself after an artist who has inspired me since I was a teenager, so it has a lot of emotional importance to me. It represents a lot - I would have been really gutted to lose it. But perhaps if I'd never done that and was still using my family surname I would feel more ambivalent, I dunno.

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  • CrazyRatLady
    Expert September 2014
    CrazyRatLady ·
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    I'm going to take OH's name, I'm not attached to mine. That said, I couldn't wait to get it back after my divorce! It's all circumstantial. I know OH wants me to take his name to make me part of his family which I understand as he is very close to them, more so than I am to mine.

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  • SillyWrong
    Beginner October 2014
    SillyWrong ·
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    If you feel it truly is a part of your identity, you have to consider how your identity might change by changing your name? Surely your identity is something that is (or should be?) fluid? Surely your identity (regardless of names) will shift slightly when you are married anyway? The name is just a slightly more obvious marker. I'm playing devils advocate really, as I'm feeling the same about dropping my name. I want to, I'm looking forward to being Mrs D, but I am feeling a little bit sad about no longer being Ms L.

    If you double barrel your name, you are changing your name, you'll have a new name, even if it does include your old name.

    I am taking my partners name and it has nothing to do with phallocentric traditions, for the are no phalli in our relationship ... it's purely and simply because we want to have the same name, her name is nicer than mine, and our names don't fit together as double barrelled no matter which way you try to wedge them in!

    Would your partner be prepared to take your name? Is it something you've discussed? That kind of discussion might make the decision a little easier for you?

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  • SillyWrong
    Beginner October 2014
    SillyWrong ·
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    I really want to know what your name is!!!

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  • J
    Beginner April 2013
    JanetJones ·
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    A fella in work with me recently got married. Neither wanted to take each others' names so they plucked one out of the air (based on something they did together when they first got together) and called themselves MR and Mrs [name].

    Me, personally, I took my husbands name. It doesn't matter. people have ALWAYS called me Janet Jones, (my maiden name) not Janet, and so whether I took his name or not, nobody would take the slightest bit of notice. I am still Janet Jones to everyone that knows me.

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  • W
    Beginner November 2014
    Wife In Training ·
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    I work in a school too and I'm pretty sure you can still use your maiden name even if you decided to take your husbands name.

    Do you use SIMS in work? In the staff details section there is room to put first name, surname and preferred name. If you put your maiden name as your preferred name this is what comes up on your timetables/registers etc. I have a colleague who is embarrassed by her actual surname so she uses something else as her preferred name so this is what all the kids know her as (it's this on the their timetables too so they know no different). Plus unless you repeatedly tell your pupils your new name they are always going to call you by your old name anyway! I'm thinking of keeping my maiden name as my preferred name just so I don't have to constantly remind them that it's something different!

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  • InkedDoll
    VIP January 2015
    InkedDoll ·
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    Ha! Well, the tattoo in my avatar is a direct reference to the work of the artist whose name I took. Sorry to be cryptic. I always used to use a username based on my real first name on forums etc, I think choosing a different one that doesn't identify me at all has made me feel suddenly secretive about my real identity...plus the fact that many people who post pics here block their faces out. I've never come across that on a forum before.

    Anyway. It's definitely true that your identity shifts based on this stuff. Even just getting engaged I felt a bit like I'd suddenly become more grown up. I guess a lot of people feel that a new surname reflects that. For me, just changing from Miss to Mrs will have that same impact.

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  • L
    Beginner June 2015
    LuxuriousIvoryStationery129 ·
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    I'm changing my name and it will be a pain in the neck to do it because I'm English and he's Polish so you can imagine the mouthful my name will be now! But I can't wait.

    I'm a feminist but to me, changing my name isn't a symbol of me 'becoming his', it's a symbol of our new family.

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  • Lottie2409
    Beginner November 2014
    Lottie2409 ·
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    I'm changing mine even though my maiden name is very unusual and there aren't many of us about. When i married my idiot of a first husband he wanted to be double barrelled so that I didn't lose my unusual name. I didn't do it by deed poll though and banks, driving license and even passport didn't ask anything about deed poll when I changed it.

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  • ToBeMrsHouse
    Beginner August 2014
    ToBeMrsHouse ·
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    Good question, but no. I haven't asked, but his father died relatively recently, so I don't think he'd want to and I think it might stir up feelings if I mention it. Besides, I wouldn't want him to. As I said, I do want our family name to be his surname as his family are far more of a unit than mine. I just want to keep mine for work. I think at the moment I'm leaning towards just doing it the conventional way.

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  • ToBeMrsHouse
    Beginner August 2014
    ToBeMrsHouse ·
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    I desire anonymity on the internet purely because of my work. I doubt there are many other reasons for it. Although, it might also be because you don't want friends or family seeing the details before the big day.

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  • ToBeMrsHouse
    Beginner August 2014
    ToBeMrsHouse ·
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    Thanks! That's good to know!

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