When someone close has cancer ***SENS***

How near are you to them (fwiw I'm supporting my Grandad through the last stages of bladder cancer). I'm sorry you are going through this.

My Dad had cancer so I know in part how you feel. He unfortunately had aggressive asbestos-related lung cancer and died 7 months after diagnosis, 7 years ago. At the time it was friends who were there when you needed them whether it be to spend an evening/night at their house (I lived on my own) with an air of normality or the one who took me for a walk round the block at work when she saw I was upset after an update phonecall.

I would suggest writing a note more of support along the lines of please let us know if we can do anything to help and we're happy to bring "your child" over to see you when you're feeling better. This should get the right balance between understanding and positivity.

Hope that helps and really sorry to hear the news but survival rates, esp for breast cancer, are improving all the time. Macmillan or Cancer Reseach can help with any questions you may have.

We usually see them 2/3 times a month, sometimes more. They live about 40mins away but we are in their direction most weekends which is when we tend to pop in.

(Champagne, hugs. My H's Grandad died between Xmas and New Year from asbestos related cancer, he was diagnosed in Aug and deteriorated so quickly - it was so hard to watch him go through it xxx)

Thanks for the advice.

I was different in that my Oh also walked out when i was diagnosed and i felt i needed a support network, however most people close to me were either too scared of saying/doing the wrong thing or seeing me differently and also a lot assumed i needed space. As a result i went through it completely alone.

I think offering your help/support and making sure she knows you are there for them. Its such an emotional time, yes somtimes you do want to be alone but to be honest i don't think it helps(or did for me) x

My mum was diagnosed with breast cancer last June. It was picked up in a routine mamogram and came as quite a shock. She was also told it was very aggressive. She was given the option of chemo but she chose to go straight for a mastectomy, which in the log run was the best option. When they operated on her, they realised there was more cancer than they had thought and she would have ended up with the mastectomy anyway.

Its been an incredibly hard 12 months and I think the best advice I can give is, don't start treating her differently. For my mum, she loved the fact that people cared but so many people made comments that made my mum feel they were all expecting her to die. Its hard enough to deal with without so much negativity.

My mum just appreciated someone at the appointments with her as she was never able to ask the questions she wanted nor understand the answers enough at the time. With me there, we were able to discuss what the consultant had said when she at home and feeling calmer. I also found that my dad needed just as much support and quite often a little word on how he needed to help my mum. It can be hard for him to understand what she was going through, losing a breast and the effect that had on her self esteem etc.

Mum also appreciates some normailty. She really treasured our usual days out where, for a while the cancer wasn't the be all and end all of her day.

Hope that helps catcat. I know getting the diagnosis can really knock you but the treatments and support available now are wonderful. My mum is doing really well at the moment and as far as we know, the cancer is gone. She'll be checked regularly but hopefully the worst is over and she'll get stronger and back to her usual self soon.

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In terms of practical stuff - to start with I was like Champagne. Kept everything normal. Then as he got weaker and less inclined to get up and do, we all picked up the ball ache jobs like washing and ironing and cleaning. Then as he got a bit iller, I made up huge quantities of freezer meals so he could heat them through. Later still, I made referrals in to social services (supported by our local hospice) and got him homecare to help with his personal care and an assessment for attendance allowance. That's the worst case scenario - but chemo can knock your socks off - so the freezer meals and ironing might be gratefully recieved if she is that way inclined - then she can use her energy for the more fun stuff.

We always ask what he wants if we can't see what to do. If we can see what needs doing, we ask if he wants us to do it. If he says no - we leave it until it seems worse, then ask again. We try to let him lead on what we can do for him - although he is getting a bit muddled now from the pain killers. Play it by ear - sometimes the silly things can really help. If she has a poorly turn and ends up in bed for a few days - some fresh photos might brighten her view. Take your lead from how well she is.

And again - I'm really sorry you are having to cope with this.

I don't have anything to add that hasn't already been said, but wanted to send you a hug. Thinking of you. x

I'm so sorry you're another one who is being affected by cancer in their family. It can't come soon enough for them to find a cure, although they are way further forward than when my Mum got it for the first time.

My sister was diagnosed in March after going to the Doctor with a sore neck pain. That afternoon she found herself having radiotherapy, and now they are giving her about 4 months to live. It spread to her bones before it was caught, and due to tumours being so close to her spinal cord, it's not possible to operate.

My father in law was also diagnosed around the same time with bowel cancer. He is 82 and has decided not to have the operation due to his age, and the fact he is MIL's 24 hour carer. He wants to enjoy what time he has left doing what he is doing and living with MIL, rather than put himself at risk on the operating table and possibly leaving MIL behind.

Both extremely sad situations which break both mine and Mr P's hearts.

What I'd advise is to make sure you keep in touch. Just let your father's partner know that you care and that you'll be there for both of them. As others have said, the worst situation is those who clam up and back off due to not knowing what to say. Another piece of advice I was given by a friend who survived cancer was to 'let things go'. I have outstanding issues with my sister, and they stopped me being able to pick up the phone and talk to her. Hopefully you don't have that situation, but if you do in any shape or form, try to put them aside as in the great scheme of things, bickers and squabbles don't really matter (I really wish my 2 brothers would take that advice on board too with my sister, but hey ho).

Lastly, as in the case of my FIL, it doesn't help if you really push your wants and hopes on to the sufferer. We desperately want him to have the operation as we know he currently has a 97% success rate. He doesn't though, and we've had to back off as it was making it so hard for him, his wife, and us children too. We have to respect his decision even if we don't agree with it. We perfectly understand his reasonings, but to know that he too will not live a longer life is heartbreaking.

Wishing you and your family all the best ?

Catcat, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I lost my Dad to cancer when I was 20, almost twelve years ago. The thing he wanted most was to be treated normally. It was hard but I can see the logic. If you've only a short time left, or (hopefully in your MIL's case) a tough struggle ahead that will prevent a spread, what you want is to concentrate on having as normal a life as possible. The disease is something that's happening to her not what defines her and I think it would be good to remember that.

Having said that, I think initially that you could say pretty much exactly what you did in your original post;

"Tell her how upset we are that she is going through so much and that we will be there every step of the way "

I'd keep the emotion in, she can re-read when she is feeling down, but something without emotion might not convey how much she can rely on you if necessary. Nothing fluffy but an expression of intent and concern will go a long way.

Concentrate on what you MIL wants to do/see and take your lead from her, but also don't stop offering help if she's the proud type.

I really hopes it works out well.

A very close friend of ours died of cancer in 2005, she was only diagnosed 5 months before, it was an awful time (it wasn't breast cancer). I sent her flowers whilst in hospital and sent a card offering help if they needed it. Other than that I left her and her H to it.

Her H has since said that they were glad we gave them the space, they appreciated it. I think sending the photographs would be lovely, put a note in the card to tell her how sorry you are it's hapening and that you're there if they need any help with anything then leave it at that.

I'm sure they'll def. want to see your LO, children can be a fantastic help when you're feeling down but chemo can affect people differently so best check how she's feeling before you go round, sure your H's dad will tell you when's not a good time.

Sorry you're going through this ?