Where is the line in this situation?

I feel your pain - I have a husband who tends to over-commit to things I'm not interested in (karate, mountain boarding, windsurfing...).

I spent some time feeling pissed off, we had a few rows about it, and eventually came to a reasonable compromise - largely because he came to see that it wasn't fair and that he missed spending the time with me.

It'll be interesting when bambino turns up in the autumn though - if he thinks he's still going to be able to swan off to fight club twice a week after being out at work all day, he's got a shock coming...

Does he give a reason for being an hour late? To be honest when I read your bit about getting the phone call I thought, blimey he's good, MrSun rarely thinks to phone me even though we've had arguments about it.

Not sure what to say really, not much point in him even bothering to come back to yours if youre gonna just be annoyed, it's not going to be quality time is it? Maybe you'd be better off saying not to bother coming back if he's going to be late - but is that cutting off your nose to spite your face?

Thanks Tulip - he's just called and said he couldn't find any food on the way home (sometimes I forget that I live in the 24-hour capital city of the United Kingdom) so he's in the shop downstairs buying a pizza... that will now take another half an hour to cook.

I think that 'over commit' is the word here, I think what frustrates me the most is that I actively support him in all that he does (I've played more rugby than he has, so said I would coach him for touch - I've donated my time to help with his AIB application, supported him in going for officer level, driven him to TKD tournaments.....) and this is how it all pans out. I'm finding it hard to be eloquent right now as I'm just feeling taken for granted and fed up.

He's just got in, dumped the pizza in the oven and gone for a shower. Resisting urge to turn on the hot tap in the kitchen...

It's different all the time Sun - one time he'd got roped into working behind the bar, another time he had to stay and take part in a committee meeting because someone has volunteered him and he didn't want to say no because he's in his AIB application process... you name it. Tonight is because of the weather and they didn't get on the pitch for an hour. I'd be interested to know where his phone was in the meantime... surely if you know you're going to be delayed by more than half an hour that it's going to have a knock-on effect for the rest of your evening?

See I've said about the latter thing before - the why bother if you're just going to be late constantly - but it just makes me sound like a hag and to be honest half an hour is better than nothing. I really don't know what to do and why it's so difficult. You're better than me for your patience with Mr Sun, particularly with Miss Sun in the picture, my lovely.

Yep, that's how I came to find myself wobbling about on a windsurf board in the middle of Edgbaston reservoir... ?

I think it's one of those things that you end up revisiting a few times and eventually get through. It is hard to strike a balance between being interested and supportive whilst not being a total doormat. I'm not sure we're 100% there - he's snowboarding tonight, but then I took the opportunity to go shopping with my sister and then lounge around in bed hitching.

Turn the tap on, just for a second. It'll make you feel better.

Edited for shocking typos, can't type lying down.

Ah, I paint a bad picture, he's a lot better than he used to be and has learnt the hard way after putting up with my moodiness. I tend to text now if he's later than I expected him to be and tell him i'm starting to get angry so he'd better tell me when he's going to be home or face my wrath ?

Shame you can't play him at his own game, he might understand your frustrations if the shoe were on the other foot IYSWIM Maybe he doesn't see the hour or so extra as a big deal, especially if you don't let him know it's annoyed you, maybe then he wouldn't be so easily roped into doing these things. If he thinks you're home and going to be all nice to him regardless he will just keep doing it.

? @ Edgbaston reservoir - ah that's love!

It is difficult and even now I've been very calm and asked him to put himself in my shoes and understand how frustrating it is and how often it happens - he really and truly is just getting annoyed with me because he cannot or will not acknowledge how often this happens.

He was out before I could turn the tap on, worse luck!

Tricky one SLD. Does he realise how supportive you're being by putting yourself out or does he sort of not notice really? You're both lovely, I'd still run the kitchen tap for a second though.

I'd make a list of everytime he's late etc for the next fortnight or whatever is reasonable, and then present it to him. He's being rude and unfair. If he wants to see you then he should make time for you...

It sounds like he's got the best of both worlds - a nice, convenient girlfriend to come back to and crash out with (as if you shared a home), and then offsky for the rest of the week to his independence?

Look... It's a man thing.

Okay?

Bet you're still his first mate... Or whatever the fuck...

And (if nothing else) there's a hell of a lot to be said for free pizza, even if it's late.

Still single then? ?

It's not a "man thing". I don't see what having male genitalia has to do with this. It boils down to thinking that SLD's time is of less importance than his. Unacceptable.

Yup,

Still single.

And it never ceases to amaze me how little tolerance people have for their partners foibles.

But then.... I'm single, yeah?

Worse things happen at sea.

That's not fair on you SLD. I'd be mightly peed off if it was me, i'd be able to let it go a few times but sounds like it is happening more often than that.

He planned to be with you at 8:30 which would be a decent night together 10pm is not ?

What if you had planned and cooked dinner and he was an hour or so late?

Actually might have something there to drum the point home that your time together is important. Do you think he would be more inclined to turn down offers / feel he needs to commit to the other activities if you had done him a favour of dinner on the table.

Persistently not turning up when you say you will, leaving someone waiting around for you so they can eat - that's not a foible, it's being rude and inconsiderate. Everyone is rude and inconsiderate at somepoint, but when it happens repeatedly, it's taking the p1ss.

Worse things happen on land, nevermind at sea, but that doesn't mean anyone should be expected to put up with their partner being crap.

Edited as posted twice

You might not like what I am going to say - but it sounds like you are being a total doormat. He truly is using your place as a hotel. I don't know him, and he might well be wonderful and lovely, but from what you've said it really sounds like he is taking the p1ss.

'Half an hour is better than nothing' - actually, its not - if he doesn't respect you enough to turn up at the time you've both agreed, WHY should you hang around waiting? You could have spent your entire evening doing something you wanted to, and you've wasted it waiting for him. It sounds like you are almost 'grateful' for whatever time he can spare you and thats not on. He should be equally grateful to you.

I wouldn't go for the softly softly 'lets have a chat about it' approach. I would sit him down and say 'my time is as important as yours. If you want to be my boyfriend you need to put me first sometimes and be decent enough to turn up when we agree.' [optional extra: 'otherwise you can f*k off']

Actually FImble makes some good points, I like her style ?

Maybe, the next time he's late, you should take yourself out ?

What Fimble says sounds harsh but... if this behaviour is annoying you now, it's probably going to become a deal breaker at somewhere down the line?

If he doesn't know how annoyed you are, he's not going to change - and to be kind to him for a brief moment, you're not giving him the chance to change.

I guess it's better to find out where you stand with him now than in a year or whenever?

WFimbleS.

Next time he's late, I'd swan off and go out doing what I wanted to do. Let him turn up on your doorstep wondering where he's going to crash the night now.

Childish, but probably a damn sight more effective at getting the point across.

Mr Rabbit does this and I hate it - says he'll be back at x time and then doesn't text / call to say otherwise because he 'didn't have time' ... it also means that I sometimes end up waiting and waiting for dinner only for him not to materialise or like last night eat on my own only for him to turn up 5 minutes after I'd finished looking for food

I've been trying to get him to be more considerate about this for the last 5 years that we've been living together (and most of the preceding 7 to be honest) but haven't made much progress

Occaisional throwing of toys helps for a bit, as does pre-programming a text to say 'I'm leaving' so it literally takes 5 seconds to send ... Otherwise I'd be suggesting he finds other digs from time to time on a Monday night rather than using the SLD hotel - if its not always there then he can't take it for granted

I'm with Fimble on this, I certainly wouldn't put up with it and Mr Platty knows it but then he also knows how worried/pissed off I can get when he does do it.

Let SB know how pissed off/worried it makes you.

Hmmm - this is a tricky one and I do see where you are coming from. I'm in a similar-ish position in that loml and I don't live together, my flat is closer to town than his and he stays here most nights.

He is chronically late. Typically he says he'll get to my place for about 8.30 and he gets here for 9.30-10 if he's been to the gym, or sometimes that time if he's just got stuck at work.

I've decided to let it go. He's never late when it really matters, I just get on with making dinner, watch telly, hitch, whatever - if I was starving or needed to go to bed I'd eat and go to bed but I'm normally happy to wait for him. That said, he's incredibly considerate in every other way so I know it's not a manifestation of pisstaking, it's just that at that time of the day, he's rubbish at letting time run away with him. Oh, and he never turns up seriously late - if he's gonig to get here after 9.30 he calls and he never rocks up pissed from the pub, it's always work/the gym.

My H is also shocking when it comes to being late back without calling/texting to say as much. It does (and has for years!) irritated me. I accept that when he is out doing his thing, he is more likely to be late than not. If I assume that from the start then it's a bonus if he does get back on time. I don't ever rely on him to get food though (he used to on the way back from Cricket but I spent too many saturdays waiting til gone 10 for dinner, which I hated so I sort myself out now). I will tell him what time dinner will be ready and if he is late, his dinner is spoilt. (I have to keep it warm...! ). That actually has made him a little more aware (as he loves his food!).

That being said, because we live together our time together is not restricted really. When we didn't, this did irritate me even more. But he was never late when it really mattered so I let it go a little. I think the question you really need to ask is whether this is a potential deal-breaker? If so, you need to be tough with him right now because he wont adapt otherwise.

I have to say though, it's unfair to say 'it's a man thing'. So it's acceptable to be rude and inconsiderate just because 'it's a man thing'? I don't think so. Whether it be a woman or a man doing the same thing, it would be equally rude and out of order.

Hope you manage to sort it SLD.

I think there's a certain expectation that with public transport and a busy demanding job and so on, you can be up to an hour or so late home from work or whatever in London fairly regularly. I know that's how we tended to be when we still lived in LV.

It seems the difference here is that it's not unavoidable tardiness, it's making a decision to do something else and not having the courtesy to tell the person waiting at home for you?

Perhaps there's a difference in their expectation of the evenings - SLD thinking they've made a date for dinner and to spend time together at home, him thinking he's going out and will grab something to eat when he's back but it's not a date, just crashing over because it's a convenient place to stay and oh nice to see you briefly too...

I think you have hit the nail on the head there. Maybe he needs to understand how important this time is, and it's not just a convenient arrangement because you live closer to his chosen activity that night.

It's a man thing? It is b*llocks. Mr W is nearly always back when he says he will be, and if he's not then he rings or texts.

SB is being rude and inconsiderate. Next time, make yourself dinner and go to bed. And use up all the hot water.

I agree with the point about expectations- depending on how one views the evening, what he's doing is either horribly thoughtless and rude or perfectly fine.

As an aside, do men really play touch rugby?