Why does he keep doing this to me?

Oh Jesus Sare, he's really messing with your head.

What do you want? If a magic wand could be waved, what would you ask for?

If it's to have him back then he needs to earn you back. Starting from scratch. Wooing you, treating you with respect, all of the things that come with making someone feel special. It strikes me that he doesn't know what he wants at all, and changes his mind with the wind. That's not going to do anyone any good, least of all the boys.

I'm so sorry you're going through this ?

Oh Sare, I don't really know what to say.

What is happening with the other woman? I once had a relationship with someone who was separated and whenever we broke up he went back to his wife for a while. Poor woman must have been going through worse than I was with him. I'm not saying that's what's happening, but is there anything outside that could be making him like this? The other week he was seeing the boys once a fortnight and not even that bothered about it.

Sorry he is still messing about.☹️

Its a horrible thing to be kept dangling and not knowing what is going on.

He is a d.ick for messing with your feelings. ?

Hope things turn around for you soon. x

I don't know what I want.

I'm scared he'd do it again, and send the eldest over the edge completely.

I'm worried what my parents would think if I took him back.

I still think he doesn't realise what some of the reasons that contributed to it are. He would have to change a lot to make me happy, and I don't think he sees them as big issues.

I think from his texts he still doesn't shoulder the responsibilty that he should. He asked me what else caused the break up when I agreed with him that not being affectionate and having a tidy house were at fault, but I said it was only a part of it.

He still maintains the woman is a friend.

Tonight he's said that we should talk, that he does miss what we had as well as the boys, that we didn't make time for ourselves. But reading his texts back I feel indignant, I think "well you made plenty of time for yourself, you did whatever you wanted" and I feel angry that he thinks two smallish things were the cause. I think if that was all it was, why wasn't he big enough to work them out instead of walking.

Please don't take him back. Even if he doesn't do it again you will always worry that he will. He isn't exactly wooing you back either. Please be strong, there is something better out there for you and you will only find it if you can be strong and realise that you are worth so much more as a woman. Your children will be happy, they have you.. If he can step up to the mark they will have him too. Good luck, I know it's hard

Sare, I cant remember if he said he would consider something like relate? I would suggest that this is a condition before you even think of getting back together and as others have said he really does have to work for it, dating would be a good start. Has he got access to time with your eldest?

I think I told you I left my H early last year and missed him after a couple of months to myself and now we are slowly working on things. I dont think I will ever see our relationship through the rose tinted everythings perfect spectacles again but we are happy.

As for the girl who is a friend. My advice? If you havent already, go and see 'not that in to you' it's a real eye openner ☹️

I'm biased, because I'd have loved a second chance to start over with my H. I think the important thing is to put aside what other people will think about it - they don't know the whole story, and they aren't the ones who have to live with your decision day in day out.
I think the suggestion of going to Relate is a good idea. I've bought some of their books and I wish we had given Relate a good go (H left me for good at our first appointment!). I guess my opinion is that if you both feel it could be salvaged at all then it's worth a good go, if for no other reason than the peace of mind that you had tried everything - that's the thing that upsets me most about my break up.

Can you get some kind of family counselling? It could maybe help the children come to terms with the situation and might also help you and your H get your heads round whether this split is the right thing for both of you.
I suspect this is a typical pattern of behaviour on his part - leave because the grass is greener and realise very quickly that the grass isn't greener at all. He sounds motivated by selfishness and even when he is seemingly considering the children, he is not considering you, and that needs addressing

L
xxx

Oh Sara, what a git. I don't think he knows what he wants and as long as he's in that mind set, you and your children are going to suffer.

I think I'd agree with the recommendations to say if he wants to discuss your relationship continuing then it happens in counselling - If nothing else, it will focus his mind and he can't continue to play maybe maybe games with you or ignore what you are saying.

Even if he doesn't like the idea of Relate, if he really wants to sort things with you, he'll do whatever it takes and if he chooses not to, then however hard it will be to find out, you will know where his heart is.

?

In my experience, it's part of the normal process of breaking up. Think about it from his point of view:

1) he feels dissatisfied at home, and starts to think everyone has a better life than him (grass is greener)

2) he leaves and does whatever he wants. The euphoria suggests, to his internal logic, that he was right all along

3) normal life kicks in and he starts to feel lonely / the novelty wear off / starts to think about what he's lost

If you take him back, how do you know the cycle won't repeat again in 6 weeks / months / years? If you don't take him back, he'll be in the doldrums for a while, but will gradually start to rebuild his life in a more meaningful and reliable way. And you'll maintain your dignity and self respect - and do exactly the same as him.

This horrible period will come to an end, I promise ?