Wills, interfering exes and parents and complicated children set up... help!

That is complicated! My parents have always refused to talk about the division of their estate, not that we've asked and I think now that it's with good reason. Could you do that? just say that it's been divided fairly and leave it at that? Or could you just tell the ex what she wants to hear? Oh I'm no help am I? Hope someone more knowledgeable comes along to help you.

No, thanks for replying! Sometimes it just helps to get it *out there* with people who don't have an agenda/interest in the outcome. Sadly we've gone down the route of "please don't worry, it's all been divided fairly" or "actually, we don't want to discuss that", the ex really has got a problem with this and I'm not sure whether it's going to cause another huge row (we get something or other come up every now and then which she makes our life a misery about, i guess we might just have to ride it out) and my mum is being almost as bad (in fact i put it to her that she was behaving a bit like the ex the other day about all this, and she was really offended LOL)

I think my main worry is how to resolve it fairly. I guess we could book some time with a family solicitor and get advice there? or CAB, do you think they might be able to help with advice purely on how to divide the assets? GOK we live modestly but by the time we both have gone I hope we will have something half decent to split (esp as it's got to go 5 ways, and possibly more if we are ever lucky enough to adopt a couple more!)

Thanks for the reply!

I think it's only really something you can decide yourself. personally I would refuse to discuss it with anyone else as it really is nobody elses business. Have you thought about starting with an uneven split towards the children who would need it more should anything happen to you whilst they are depending upon you and then updating it regularly as they get older?

That's a good point Zooropa and one we'd not really given a great deal of thought to. I'm sure you're right about not discussing it with anyone but both our families are the sort who discuss this sort of thing fairly openly, (I mean our parents) and I'd not really thought about NOT discussing it IYSWIM. My mum's always asked me to discuss their possessions with my bro so they can make a list of who gets what of the heirlooms, and she's always said the money goes strictly down the middle even though I've said many times his need is greater than mine, I don't really need anything from them (except it would be nice to have a couple of mementoes that sort of thing)

I am hoping that we won't need to address any of this while we still have dependent children at home; but as I'm coming up to 40 and husband is 50 you never know. And were we to die together say in an accident (cheerful eh!) I think the law deems that the younger of the couple would be said to have died last, so it's really down to me to make sure it's all ok.

God, I think I have been thinking about this too much now. But I like your suggestion of updating to reflect the kids' needs annually or whenever, thank you.

I think the only fair split is 5 ways. I think that at a time of grief, favouring one child over another is going to cause much more, possibly permanent, harm than good, especially when the fragilities of step families are involved. I imagine that your husband's children would feel royally snubbed and that your children and your child together were more important to you both. Now, I know that wouldn't be your motivation for it, but from their point of view, and at a time of high emotion, you can see how it could cause trouble.

What people are or are not getting left by others is irrelevant, you have 5 children between you and that should be reflected fairly, in my opinion.

I think I agree with HH (but I don't think you'd necessarily be wrong to do otherwise).

The reason I agree with HH is that you can only account for how you leave your possessions behind, you have no way of knowing what other people will do with their money etc. So I'd make a decsion of what is a fair division on my possessions only - the reality is that your children and your joint child and your H's children will have different incomes, inheritances and whatever in the future. You have no control over that, and when that times comes it will only be noticed whether or not you treat all the children equally in your will, not whether X's mum also died and passed on money or whatever.

But it's none of your ex's business or your mother's business and I'd tell them that. I'd also say to your mother than she's entitled to leave her possessions to whoever she wishes and that, as you are not a greedy grasping person, threats of being cut out of the will or whatever do not affect your decisions. Cheeky moo!

Thanks all, it helps to get some outside views, as it were, of how to do this. I will feel better once we have something drawn up and I can see that I'm going to have to be firm with both of the interferers and tell them it's not up for discussion.

To be honest, I think a 5-way split is probably going to be the way forward (with additional provisions being made for the 2 youngest as it stands, the others being technically adults) now all I have to do is find a suitable executor (my brother would be my first choice, or maybe my husband's oldest son) and get the damn thing drawn up. And I guess now I have to think about what would happen to the wee one, were anything to happen to both of us. My first instinctive choice would be for my oldest step son to be appointed guardian, I think he'd be up for that, he loves his baby brother. I'm sure my 2 would do it but no.1 son would be the best person (hopefully he will be happy to undertake that if we ask him)

I think too much about this stuff at the mo to be honest. I don't think any of them would fight over it but you never know. I have a good friend, youngest of 7 who's entire family fell out when their parents died.... they had an equal 7-way split, but the oldest son had his share early as he was being made bankrupt, only for him to receive a seventh of what was left when the parents both died and the estate was divided (I think because nobody had updated the will to divide to 6 when the first share had been given out) - this happened 15 years ago and 3 of the 7 are *still* not talking to the other 4, they all fell out so badly. it's shocking really.

Thanks for your thoughts. I bet we have next to nothing to leave anyway!

I think while you still have dependents, it's fair that they should get the bulk of the estate if anything happens to you (in particular, the four-year-old). But when they are grown up (and I'm assuming you'll live till then ? ) I don't see why the estate shouldn't be split five ways. I'm minded to agree with HH and say it will only cause trouble between them if one gets more than another.

My H's family don't speak to one another now because of an unfairly split will (and it was unfair - H's grandad was, to put it kindly, a patriarch who left his entire estate to his son - H's dad -, leaving nothing at all to his own wife or daughter ?)

I can't really believe all these people are interfering in your will though, it's really none of their business.

I meant to add, have already told mum she can leave her money where she likes and if that's the cats home that's fine by me! I'm not beholden to her now for anything material, and don't plan to be in the future either. In fact I always envisaged me looking after her in her old age.... so it's mad for her to be dangling some carrot of inheritance in my face only to say dance to my tune. Parents eh! Can't live with 'em, can't kill 'em ?

I know, KJFC100, and I am annoyed at myself we have allowed it to become public knowledge, although to be fair mum's never shown any form for this kind of mad behaviour before. I guess we could have expected it from the ex though. I'm annoyed she got to hear about it, we haven't discussed this with the 14YO (obv) and I can only assume she's overheard something, and it's exactly the sort of thing her mum would speculate about in front of her and she'd say "oh Dad and Toblerone were talking about that the other day" and then her mum would grill her. (we get this all the time about everything!)

Next time she (ex) calls me to ask what we're doing I am going to ask her how she plans to leave her estate..... maybe she might get the hint??!

Would it work if you did the split five ways but your mother left her money in trust for her three grandchildren? You could be the trustee but that way she wouldn't have to 'worry' about it going to people she isn't related to by blood IYSWIM.

I think your first key is to tell everyone else to butt out and don't engage them at all when it's nothing to do with them. We have quite a complicated set-up with our children as well, our eldest is adopted by us so only has us, my middle 2 have their late Dad's wealthy Grandparents and the youngest 3 have my H's parents. We're quite lucky in that my Mum treats them all equally and the middle 2's Grandparents have left the other children bequests also in their wills as they adore them all, which is very kind of them. My younger 3 will benefit from PIL's estate, but my son will get double the girls which I don't agree with. I think the only way to do it fairly is to divide it up equally personally.

We've set our wills up so that after all expenses have been paid for each of the children will have a small amount given to them. The rest of the estate will be held in trust until our youngest child is 18 (we have twins then a single just a year apart) and will be used for the expenses of any who are still dependant on us. Once the youngest turns 18 anything that is left will be equally divided between all of the children. We feel that way the youngest children will be cared for, but there is no suggestion of us saying that the youngest deserve more, just deals with the needs.

Absolutely what HH says. I have seen it happen to friends of mine whose parents have died and not shared it equally, in some cases left one or other of the children out. In one particular case my best friend's dad died, leaving his estate to my friend and his next eldest brother. Their other brother, who is in his 60's was left nothing, because he had a nice house etc., but he was still his father's son and felt totally devastated that his dad had favoured his brothers. It led to him having a complete mental breakdown and many months in a psychiatic hospital. He is still not right and this happened 6 years ago.

With regard to your children who are still young and financially dependent on you, why don't you have the estate put in trust with the income from this being used to fund their upbringing, university, etc. and when they no longer need that dependence, divide the remainder equally amongst all of your children?

I agree, it is nothing to do with anyone else, but yours and your husband's business only.

My will is a nightmare too. Second marriage, 3 children of my own, 4 of his. The house became mine when my late husband died. So technically my H never paid anything for this house anyway. I will be leaving him 10% and the option of staying here until he no longer wants to then the house will be sold and he will get his 10% then my kids will get a third of the remainder. If we move, which we plan to, it will have to be changed again as he will contribute towards the mortgage so he will have a greater share in the house.

I know it sounds mean, but my step-children don't live with us and I would not want to leave it all to my husband then for him to die and leave it all to his kids leaving mine with nothing. My H will have proceeds from my life assurances to help him cope as well as percentage of the house. His children will inherit his pension which will be a decent amount for them.

Life is so complicated sometimes, but I would not let anyone tell me how to write my will. My husband has never mentioned it to me but seemed happy enough when I told him my decision. He did say he never wanted anything. Let's hope it won't need to be put into force for many years yet.

Julz, that's the way my parents have their wills set up. They have four dependents still at home and four of us have left home. If they die, the estate goes to a trust to look after the youngest four and the eldest four get nothing until all the younger ones have left full-time education.

We're all happy with this.

My 11-year-old sister keeps joking that if my parents die she'll do a degree, a masters then a couple of PHDs to bleed the estate dry!

I would go for an equal split plus an additional allowance for the educational/social needs of the younger children. This is the fairest way to do it. Anything else may end up in someone feeling slighted - no matter what your ages are when you die.

I have known relatives on both sides of our families fall out over wills. My FIL and his brother haven't spoken since a row over their father's will some years ago.

And then I would tell everyone what you have done and say that you are not discussing it further.

Oh what a minefield. This is a problem that has affected my family recently, due to my grandparents deaths. My grandad left th most complicated will you could ever imagine, with varying sums of money going to a wide range of people (children, grandchildren, in-laws). It was partly designed to cause trouble imo, but he had his reasons and its just tough for those that don't like it at the end of the day!

I think everyone elses suggestions about splitting it equally are eminently sensible- although splitting it equally still doesn't please everyone - if someone is considered to be less deserving (oh yes, my mad family have been down this route too!). Your kids sound pretty sensible though!

WHHS. I can't really see that you can do anything else, there all important. To lose both of you would be a huge thing to them, to sit and hear that they were worse off than a sibling would go down badly. Yes if the youngest are under 18 when you die you need to take care of that but afterward I think you have to make them all equal.

Thank you all, ever so much for your thoughts and stories, it really has helped me straighten it out. I just got to the point where I couldn't see the wood for the trees and all the static/interference was making it far harder to make a decision. I hadn't thought about the trust fund aspect of this before, can't believe we hadn't thought of that but it's obviously the way forward, to make the younger ones secure and then whatever's left after that can be split 5 ways. I had been feeling instinctively that an equal split was the way to go but it was husband who thought we might want to jig it about a bit to even things up overall, but as you guys have said (and I said in my OP) we really have no idea what the ex will leave her kids, so best to assume it's not part of the equation.

And yeah, they can all be told this, and anyone who doesn't like it can take a running jump! (and if mum still got a bee in her bonnet about his kids being better off she can always do something in her will if she likes, although I won't be happy it's not really my decision. I'd ideally like her to treat all 5 the same and not favour my (biological) 3 but that's her prerogative! My SD (14) said she doesn't mind what we leave her as long as it's not for a looooonnnng time (bless) and I really hope that too.

Thanks again everyone, knew you'd have some sense to share!