Wobble - don't think I want to do this anymore

I think you need to have a sit down with your OH to decide whether or not a wedding is truly necessary for you both at the moment.

If you have a nest-egg I would certainly be looking to put down a deposit on a house first and then start saving TOGETHER for a wedding.

It sounds like you need a cooling off period so that your family can find it's path again. Is there a specific reason why you need to get married now (as it were) or could you wait just that tiny bit longer?

You're not being selfish or a cow bag at all - it has to be something that you both want, and the way you both want it. That's fine if OH doesn't want to go off on your own abroad, but if the timing isn't right for you to have a big do at home for you then I really don't think you should do that either.

Ultimately, OH wouldn't be able to have a big wedding if you didn't have your savings would he? So I don't think it's selfish at all to say it's not what you want right now and you either save together or have a much smaller wedding / wedding abroad and a party.

From the other boot side, it's my OH that is basically paying for everything as he had money saved up before and when we were together, but he always planned that for when he got married / had a family, but I do respect that it is his money and if he hadn't wanted to use it for our wedding then I really wouldn't have expected it all to go on one day. I still think it's a bit obscene even though it's what I want!

If it's important for you both to get married soon then do it, cos it's about the marriage isn't it not the wedding, and if you don't want that kind of wedding that is totally okay no matter whose money it is, it has to be right for you both, and it sounds like you need a bit of a breather with all the stuff that is happening in your family now.

Hope you get sorted, don't feel guilty, you aren't doing anything wrong, and the resentment and unhappiness will only build if you don't say something xx

We are planning to get married in 2012, which is way off yet and I'm very aware of the need to get things booked up in advance to get the venues we would like. I know by the time 2012 comes things will have calmed down and hopefully started sorting themselves out. I'll probably even feel differently by then.

It's just hard to get out of my head at the moment and think forward into a situation that will get better (can't get any worse). I'm so sad and confussed.

My family keep asking about the wedding as do his family. Everyone is really into the idea on both sides. It's just I get the feeling that it's like camoflage for all the crappy stuff thats going on. It's like its supposed to take everyones minds off what is actually happening. It's supposed to be about us.

We are going to see venues at the weekend, to try and narrow things down. I've been through all the booklets, done all the maths, made lists of questions and even found a tapemeasure. I'm doing all the practical stuff and being confronted with the prices of everything. I suppose its hit me that this isn't really a fun process, it's like work for me. It's just this time I'm not being paid to make amazing things fall out of thin air for people (I'm a project engineer). It's just this time I feel like I'm working for my H2B and family potentially at my own expense. Their the ones that get to ooh and aah and I'm the knackered on in a big dress thats supposed to be doing all that.

Again the perverse thing is that I like my job, I like organising things and being in charge. I just don't like being taken for granted.

Sorry to hear your family is going through a difficult time right now. however, i firmly believe that if you only intend to get married once then you should try your best to have the wedding of your dreams (within means of course!) you may really regret it later if you give this up for the temporary troubles between your parents.

the wedding is 2 years away and i am sure things will have settled down by then, one way or another. do whatever feels right, but make sure you keep communicating with your OH xxx

Aw it musy be an awful time for your family. You need to take a wee bit of time to thin about the wedding and what you want, but also what you can handle!! You could still go for the family wedding, but have less guests. ANd tell your family that if any one of them cause any kind of a hoo-ha, that you will never forgive them as long as you live! You want a day of people being either civil to eachother...or avoiding eachother if they know they can't! Also you might find that theres safety in numbers...and the more people there are about to mingle among...the less chance of people who might start something actually seeing eachother!

Honestly though - dont make any rash decisions. And explain to your OH exactly how you feel about it all.

You could always consider a wedding planner, who can set about organizing all of the different aspects of your day and remove the stress from you. After all your the one that is getting married you should be the one that is enjoying your day. To often people that I speak to have this amazing day planned for everybody else but don't get to enjoy it for themselves. If you dont want to stretch to a wedding planner speak to some relatives that you know work well together and let them know exactly what you want and let them do the groundwork for you. At the end of the day this is just one day and you dont need to break the bank or stress your self out over it.

I totally understand where you are coming from... I wont explain fully but I will say if you carry on with the family stress and spending all your money it will eat you both up and could tear apart what you have.

Tell your other half you are using the savings for the deposit for a house (that is what you want) and you are happy to have the big day but you will have to jointly save/find the money. If his family are so keen on big weddings then perhaps some of them can contribute... if not he cannot expect you to pay for it.

You could end up really feeling angry towards him because of this and a house is an investment. I love weddings, we are fortunate enough to be having lovely great one but thats a joint decision and we have both compromised lots!

Tell him how you feel, he loves you and will understand... why not have an Antiguan wedding then a party in the pub xx

I think you need a wee bit of time out. It is suppossed to be a fun process. You really dont want to look back after the wedding and regret not enjoying the run up to it. I really feel for you in your family troubles. If you're waiting until 2012 to get married there is no rush in organising things. And if anyone asks about the wedding...tell them you're still trying to get used to being engaged and are taking your time!! Leaving the organising til later on still gives your family something to look forward to, which will cheer them up a wee bit in the mean time. I can imagine some of them are grasping at "good" things to focus on, and at least they have that for now.