Worried

I can't begin to imagine what you are going through. So sorry to read this.

This might sound random but if she's too ill to go to the ceremony, would your vicar be able to hold a blessing at the house too after?

I'm so sorry, didn't want to read and run.

As DaffodilWaves said it might be an idea to ask the vicar if he can do a blessing with her there?

Hi, I'm really sorry to hear this :-( My thoughts are with you.

I agree with what the others have said - that a blessing in the home would be a fabulous way to include her. x x x

Again, sorry to hear this. Such a difficult situation for you and your OH. As the others have suggested, maybe the vicar could arrange an extra blessing,or if not, maybe you and OH could pop in to see her between the ceremony and reception so she can see you all dressed up. Maybe get someone to video your vows so that you can play that back to her. Hoping she improves enough to be able to be part of your day x

I'm so sorry to hear that Jales.

The video idea can be great. If anyone has an iphone/ipad or similar then they might be able to Skype the ceremony to MIL2B. Speak to whoever is performing the marriage and see what you can work out. You never know she might just improve enough to make it along for a short while.

When is your big day?

We were in a similar position. We found out that MIL was extremely ill about two months before the wedding. It's a dreadful situation to go through, with some horrible, gut-wrenching decisions to be made, and you have my sympathy.

When we learned of her diagnosis, we didn't mention the wedding ONCE for about a fortnight. With so little time to go, and having spoken of nothing else for the preceding year (well, me, at least!), this was a radical change and a very obvious one. We didn't talk about not talking about it, we just didn't. MIL was to have an operation, scheduled for a few weeks before, and I knew that would be the time to make decisions.

Operation time came and went, and she made improvements. We finally discussed what we were to do and were completely honest. Neither of us wanted to postpone. That sounds selfish, but there it is. It was our wedding day, our marriage didn't need our family to be there to make it right or proper, it was about us. If she was to make it there with us, we'd be over the moon. But if she wasn't well enough, we would still want to get married, and understand that maybe the celebration of our marriage would be sadder for her absence.

Boy's family were all in full support (obviously, we didn't discuss this with MIL, everything was geared to geeing her up for it). FIL was adamant we continue, as was SIL/BIL. My family declined any opinion, except to say that they would support our decision.

MIL didn't make it to our wedding in the end (although her health has been "stable" since, albeit with severe treatment and restrictions). Distance restrictions meant we didn't even consider visiting on the morning or during the day (and she was in hospital, which would have been all the more complicated). We had a few wobbles, but a phone call from FIL after the ceremony, to remind us to forget about it for at least the rest of the day, made us determined to have a good time. There were some tears and lots of toasts to her. And our final song - Champagne Supernova - saw Boy and SIL just hugging (and crying) on the dance floor. Fortunately, in our small wedding, everyone understood the situation. Otherwise they'd have looked, well, mental (or utterly hammered.... which they were).

Sorry for rambling (and I've made myself cry here at work now!) but I think I'm trying to say that with all the worry, with all the stress and with all the sorrow, our wedding day was still the best of our lives. We still had a brilliant time, we still laughed and smiled and forgot our personal tragedies for the day. And I know that's what everyone wanted.

Footlong you've just made me cry. OP - I don't have any advice but wanted to say how sorry I am. It's an awful situation to be in.

Sorry, didn't add anything constructive ^^^.

When we knew of her absence, we had so many offers from people to video the ceremony and these have been played back to her so many times, she's probably sick of them. I think it's a really good idea. We have a plan to re-visit our venue for a private family dinner, where I will include things like their place settings and have music from the day playing. Could you do this at her home? Of course, any vicar should be happy to conduct a private blessing and this could precede a dinner?

Thank you all for your kind words and suggestions. We are having a civil ceremony and I know the registrars are booked up for the rest of the day as it's New Years Eve so we could look at a blessing on another day although she is only awake for about an hour a day at the minute.

Footlong - Sorry that you were in the same situation but thank you for sharing your experience with me. I don't think we would cancel. MIL would hate it if we did and FIL wouldn't want us to. I think we may have opposition from 1 out of 3 of OH's siblings as she is being v strange about the wedding anyway. Just such a awful position to be in.

We will definitely get videos done. We haven't got an official VOG but a family friend always has a camcorder in your face so he won't mind doing it I'm sure. Just need to clear it with the registrar.

OH bless him is very strong (never seen him cry) as opposed to me who has been a blubbering mess! I think we have to play it by ear and see what the hospital say tomorrow.

I'm thinking if she can't be there would you have a photo up somewhere? At our friends wedding over summer they left MIL and FIL's places set up even though they couldn't attend due to chemo schedules. Not sure this would work as she would be on the top table?

Blabbering now! Thank you all again x

I think a photo is a nice idea. We didn't but we couldn't predict MIL's lack of attendance until a couple of days before and those days were spent in intensive care waiting rooms.

If I'm honest, I think the "empty chair" thing is a bit, well, I don't know what the word is but it certainly wasn't the right thing for us. Although it was too late to change the table plan (and I might not have done anyway), we (well, the venue) shifted our table around so that Boy was next to his sister.

Do you have the money for a VOG? I suggest if you do, you should maybe get one.

I don't normally advocate them as they are a personal thing and obviously not cheap on top of all other wedding costs.

But in this case, maybe a family friend's camcorder might not quite cut the mustard? Just my opinion though.

And Footlong, you made me cry.

Unfortunately with less than 4 weeks to go we haven't got the money for a VOG. It was not one of the things that was important to us when we were planning so didn't budget for it. The family friend will have to do I'm afraid (he is very good).

Think when we know more tomorrow I will have a word with FIL and see what he thinks will be the best way to include her.

Absolutely go ahead with the wedding. My OH's dad had cancer and became very ill very quickly. We tried to have a last minute wedding but it was too late. If we could have had the wedding when he was alive, even if he couldn't attend because of being ill, we would have done that. At least your MIL will know you two got married and be able to share in the family's happiness afterwards. Photos/video would be an excellent idea. As she watches you can describe how you felt and the moments in more detail.

Also, keep talking to her about the wedding. Obviously don't say "we will be sad if you aren't there". Just keep her updated in who has RSVPd, any final decisions you've made etc. Let her feel part of it still and share your excitement with her.

You know what you want to do - Don't feel guilty for this.

As to remembering her at the wedding - A mention in a speech will be enough. I think more than that and the very raw emotions about her health will overtake happiness at your marriage. Can you both give her a call when you have some time together?

It is a very difficult and extremely upsetting time. I do really feel for you and totally understand what you must be feeling/thinking at the moment.

Thank you Redkitchie

Sorry for the delay in replying, 4 children, christmas and a wedding means it's a bit manic! Sorry to hear about your situation. 3 weeks ago we wouldn't have contemplated her not being well enough for the wedding but she has gone downhill so quickly. Unfortunatly we can't really keep her updated at the moment as she is upstairs sleeping. We will know more next week as she had a scan yesterday. We have decided to go ahead and are trying to keep our excitment for the wedding. I know she will be so happy we are married so need to focus on that.

Again thanks for everyones kind words x

So sorry to hear this. It must be so hard but I'm sure the last thing in the world she would want is for the wedding not to go ahead.

As others suggest, you can video and photograph the day for her but also it would be nice to flip this around and give her some presence at the wedding, either by way of photograph or message from her which can be read out.

And then after the wedding you could set up a small family event and perhaps even wear your dress if it doesn't feel to convoluted.

My nan is pretty much immobile in a nursing home and will not be able to come to our wedding. We're planning to visit the home in our wedding outfits for a little "do" after the wedding. There's not too much we can do as she's not very good mentally and can't handle occasions or events but we just want to include her in some way. Plus, she has paid for my dress (I cried buckets when my granddad told me) because, having got married just after the war, she never had a particularly special wedding dress because they just weren't available.

Sorry to waffle on.

As you say, she will be so happy about the marriage and you just have to include her in whatever way you can xx

I can't add anything to the advice the other fantastic hitchers have provided but didn't want to read and run.

I just wanted to wish you and your family lots of love, no words are right at these times. x

Just a quick update, MIL2B is unlikely to make the wedding as she is very weak and not been out of bed for the last few days. We saw her for a few minutes last night as she heard us in the house and asked us to go up. FIL2B is planning to ask a friend to sit with her so that he can come to the ceremony and will then go home. We will go over inbetween the daytime reception and evening to see her - I'm sure all of our guests will understand.

I'll be proud to have her as my MIL as she is so incredibly strong and brave and is facing her last few weeks with such dignity.

I'm really feeling it for my OH as his sister has just informed us that she will just be coming for the ceremony (without her husband and children) as a very distant relative of her husband has died and the funeral is on the same day. I think I've been waiting for her to come up with some excuse for her not to come as she has been acting very strangely about the wedding.

Just got to keep looking forward to it. We are having those excited loved up moments where we realise that the wedding is only a few days away so need to hold onto that excitement and enjoy the day as I know she would want us to.

1 week to go!!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you all x x

She will be so proud of her son getting married and I am sure will love to see you both between the receptions. Everyone will understand! Unfortunately, my fiance's mum never got the chance to see her son get married or meet her grandson as we lost her 4 weeks after being diagnosed with cancer. She knew we were happy and he was finally settling down

I am not too sure what to say re his sister as I would have hoped she would be there for him on a day that will be hard for him.

I hope you have a lovely day x

Sorry to hear she is unlikely to be able to attend, but think she'll really appreciate you going to see her before the reception. Hope it all goes well and hope they keep your FMIL comfortable x

Just wanted to say how sorry I am - you seem so strong.

My thoughts are with both yourself and your OH.