Would you be annoyed?

Exactly what abigiggle says

Generally there's very few reasons why someone "couldn't" come on their own, it's almost always "won't".

As frustrating as it is, I think probably the only two solutions are invite him as well, or not have her there.

When you say "come with family", what does she mean? If it's children, she has four months to sort out childcare arrangements.

Agree with everyone else when they say that manners and common sense all seem to go out of the window when people get wedding invitations, and want their way inviting all sorts of extra people that aren't on the invitation, or strange requests for special treatment. Never fails to amuse me.

Perhaps she doesn't feel she wants to leave her child for the day? I would jump at the chance for a day off from my little one lol!

I guess the others have said it already, you won't be able to change her mind and have to accept that she will only spend the evening with you unless you are able to invite the partner and child. She shouldn't really put such pressure on you though, people can be so unfair to us when it comes to weddings!

Hope you sort it out and had time to calm down last night x

I am about to be really unpopular and i appologised, but I can not understand why guest lists ever leave off husbands/ OH (long term ones at least). I understand that numbers can be tight - I had a small wedding myself - but it is just strange to me. I had partners that neither myself nor OH had ever met but we never once considered not inviting them. I was invited to a wedding last year where my OH was not invited and if it had not been for a lot of arguements with my parents (it was a family friend) I would not have gone.

In answer to the original post maybe your friend isnt happy leaving her little one, may be they can not work out the logistics (if she goes to the wedding does she take the car or does OH need to drop her there and than how does he get there? Does he dirve? Maybe they do not want there child to have a late night etc etc). What ever the reason as others have said you only really have two choices, you didnt say that she had asked if her OH could come. So I guess she understands that numbers are tight etc so I would leave it with her just coming in the evening.

You can't make guests come to your wedding. I'd be a bit miffed too in your situation, but as a mother myself I can see why she doesn't want to come without her hubby and kid. There may be a dozen reasons - travelling, age of the kid, can't trust hubby to get the kid ready and turn up at the wedding etc.

Don't be hard on your friend, she's offered you a compromise. Would you feel this way if she said she would only come if her hubby and little one were invited to the whole day? She obviously accepts that they can't, so she wants them to come to your wedding as a family for the evening.

Maybe whilst she was more than happy with the arrangements at the beginning, she's probably had a chat (or several chats) with her partner about him & their child coming in the evening and travel arrangements, and so on. I don't know from this post as to where your wedding is in relation to where they live but maybe they don't want to be having to paying out transport for her to get there for the day, then for the partner & child for the evening and then home again (therefore paying out more than they need to). It's also possible that either her partner has other commitments during the day or that either her or her partner have issues with them being excluded from the day time. I guess the only thing you can do is either change your day plans to accommodate all 3 during the day or reply with a 'It's a shame that you will be unable to attend the daytime ceremony & celebrations as planned, you will be missed, but we will look forward to welcoming you to the evening reception', then move on.

If she's your oldest lifelong friend, why didn't you invite her partner and child as well? My oldest friend was coming until she booked a holiday that clashes with my wedding and I invited her husband even though he (secretly) annoys me and was on my 'possible trouble maker on the day' list.

I agree with Tinks, all our guests will have a plus one. Even those that are single at the moment. Obviously it's the provisional guest list and when the time comes if our single-at-the-moment friends have only just started seeing someone then the invite might just extend to our friend IYKWIM. But otherwise husbands etc are all invited. Eg My FG is one of my friends' daughter. I couldn't just invit both of them, I had to invite my friend's husband and their (twin) son too, even though I've never met her husband and am biased against him as he has treated my friend unfairly in the past and put the twins' life at risk (think drink driving - though that's a rumour)

Although maybe your friend should have said something sooner. It's difficult, especially with resitricted numbers, and I think you're just going to put a brave face on and accept it

I agree with the suggestion that you accept her coming at night with her OH and child or invite them all during the day (if this was possible). I had an old school friend who was supposed to be my MOH and we are no longer speaking - long story!! But her husband is our Best Man so even though I don't speak to his wife (my old friend) I am still inviting her all day as I don't think he would feel comfortable there without her!

I have had a similar problem.......

I have a close group of friends, we have been friends for years, grew up together. We all moved to different parts of the country for uni/jobs/partners etc but we all stay in touch and meet often. We set our wedding date (Aug 2011) last year and told them all to keep it free...

Since i sent out save the dates i have not heard from her, she wont reply to messages/texts/calls never sent an engagement card, didnt came to our party and finally yesterday i got a reply (through face book) saying she cant get it off work!!?? not even saying sorry that she can not be there!

Just really gutted as would love her to be there and see me get married...

Sorry just needed a rant H2B doesnt understand and is glad numbers are reduced as we over invited.

Maybe she's choosing to prioritise her partner and child over a friend - why is this such a problem? By coming in the evening she's not ditching you completely and is staying with her family. If you want her there that much, it's only polite to invite other people important to her.

I'm inviting everyone with a plus one (with the proviso that they give me the name in good time) as I feel that a wedding can be quite a lonely place to be if you're on your own and most other people have partners.

Currently stressing about my own wedding as OH has point blank refused to invite a friends husband (and the friend is open to debate) as he's not invited to their wedding - and tbh he does have a point - they've met at other weddings and we've been together 5 years.

IMO you never leave off inviting a partner I wouldnt be happy if I recieved an invite from a friend I had known since birth who had left my partner off the invite - children are another thing completely and we havnt invited kids to our day but really lets be honest its pretty bad etiquette, if you were tight on numbers you shouldnt have invited her to the day and explained your reasons and sent them all an invite for the night which she would have totally understood that said if she means as much as you say why would you not invite her partner unless they had only recently got together, it also sounds like the reason she couldnt commit to answering you is because she didnt want to let you down, I htink you put her in a predicament to be honest.

I agree with Tinks too. I wouldn't want to go to a wedding without my fiance, unless I was for example a colleague and no one's partner was invited.

I appreciate everyones comments, thank you.

At the begininng I was up for inviting him as I thought it would make things easier, but OH put his foot down and refused to have him there, it took all my effort for him to agree for friends partner to come in the evening. Safe to say he doesn't like him, he has never made effort towards us and in fact one of the only times he came round our house, he was that stoned, he threw up in our front garden.

It's not an option to invite her daughter, we are not having children to the day and if we changed that rule for her, we would end up with another 12 kids which is just not going to happen. There are a few of our friends coming without their partners so I didn't just single her out. I know it might be bad etiquette not to automatically include a plus one for everyone but if we did that, we would have guests we don't know/like at the expense of family/closest friends, which I don't feel is right.

tbh I was just disappointed yesterday because if it had been the other way round, I would have gone to her wedding without my OH as I would have known most the guests and as she said likewise originally, I thought she would've said the same. I know she went to her cousins wedding without her OH last year so its not a new thing.

I didn't mean to put her in an awkward position which is why I did discuss all this with her originally to ensure she was alright about things before any invites were sent out. She is notorious for saying yes to attending lots of things and then suddenly this and that happen and she can't make it.

I am glad she still said she will come to the evening do, just disappointed.

thanks for your thoughts

I see where you are coming from but I am also trying to see it from your friends point. I have only been with OH 2 years but a lot of my extended family and friends haven't met him or know him that well. If I received an invititation for me only I would feel awful going without him and vice versa so would probably just come to the evening. It is about loyalty and hurting your partners feelings, who at the end of the day you are closest too, along with the logistics and childcare issues etc..

I have been put in this position myself, I have been invited to a cousins wedding in July, i myself am getting married in August and the invitation was just for me, I cant justify going all the way (300+ miles) and the money it would cost, and the fact my fiance would not be there. They have met my OH and all love him, and i know that my family is big so have to draw the line somewhere, but was very upset about it and have decided not to go!!

Its a lot to ask someone to spend that time and money to come to your day if you cant honour the fact they are in a serious relationship and of course would want their partner there. It is good that she is coming to the evening reception as that was not even offered to me and my H2B.

Speaking for myself the answer is no, but you still have to consider your guests to a degree, I personally have never been to a wedding without my partner and I probably wouldnt its not about being joined at the hip! But if you are life long friends then it just creates akwardness that they havnt considered someone as important as your oh - my oh has an italian friend who got married 2 years ago in Italy, they never met me before but invited me. Anyway maybe the said friend should have explained early on that she would rather decline the invite to the day and just come on the evening rather than leaving it but she was probably just worried about dissapointing her friend.

Completely agree Anniepie. A true friend should know that if you could you'd have everyone there! No one is being mean or awkward when they don't invite partners, there just simply isn't the room or finances for some.

While I do agree with the gist of this, I think equally brides sometimes have to realise that not inviting partners can make it very difficult. Circumstances can be important. If a friend invited me to a wedding down the road without my H2B, then you know, fine, I would be happy to go. I'd rather have him there too but I understand if there isn't the room or they would rather have someone they know. But if I was invited to a wedding in, say, Scotland, it might be nigh-on impossible. I wouldn't want to go alone all that way, and there might not be anyone I know willing to drive me, etc etc. For that reason, I wouldn't be annoyed if I was in the OP's position.

Maybe if the bride was a true friend and didn't just want to show off they'd plan the day so that people were more important than the flashy venue or expensive catering. We worked out how many people we needed to be able to accommodate and then looked at venues that could do that within our budget. We had to eliminate a stunning venue because we couldn't have enough people there.

I'm a bit offended that my OH isn't invited to a friends wedding, but they're having it at a flashy country house and having a big fireworks display - so obviously the showy stuff is more important than I am... If the wedding were at a village hall or whatever or the bride's village chuch which could only seat 50 people that would be different.

I have to agree with Randomsabreur as I have a friend that has done similar, chosen a flashy venue that cannot accomodate enough people nor can they afford to pay for everyone they need there so my children are not invited (it is not a no kids policy btw!) obviously her horse & carriage, flashy venue & Jimmy Choo's are more important than having everyone you love there.

I personally have people coming to my wedding I don't know very well/like very much because they are in the lives of people that I do know well/like very much & want them there & having the important people there & them having a good time is more important to me than the flashy extra bits that really aren't important. Personally I would sacrifice something else to make sure we could afford to pay for all the guests we want/need to invite.

Personally, I think if you're inviting as a family it's different, unless the 'kids' are actually married. We invited all our cousins as part of their families so none of them got plus-ones. (None are living with partners, and none have children; most are younger than us.) I've since discovered that one of H2B's cousins has had a boyfriend for five years, which made me feel a bit bad, but he's never come to any family gatherings (which I have) so I've never met him and I don't think H2B has either, so in my mind it's acceptable not to invite him.

I agree on making sure there is room for people... I'm always a bit shocked when people say they have chosen their venue without having given at least some thought to the guestlist. Surely it is one of the most important concerns?

EXCUSE ME??

I have been thankful for everyone's different views on this but you don't know me, or our circumstances and not that it matters, but we did not pick our venue or catering to show off. I do not see why we should've chosen a venue we didn't like as much knowing that our provisional guest list would only have maximum 60 anyway and that would have included people we didn't really want but felt obliged to invite, we also knew from the start, apart from my bridal party, we wanted a no child zone during the day.

I have been more of a true friend to her than she has been to me in our entire lives, again, not something you should be judging me on really. She didn't make the effort to attend my special birthday last year, she frequently calls off arranged meet ups, all of these reasons were why I decided against asking her to be BM. She lives about 30 miles away but her family live down the road and mother, brother, children etc were all getting evening invites.

I was more disappointed as I said before that she had said she was fine with our plans when we started and then changed her mind, hence inviting everyone we did invite to account for all our numbers. If she had said before she wasn't sure she could come without him, we might have reconsidered things, although judging by OHs severe dislike of her bloke, I think it unlikely.

Thank you for your comments

The first elimination criteria for venues for me was size. I worked out the maximum size of the group that I considered esssential assuming they all had plus ones. If people don't have plus ones, I can add more friends later, or have smaller numbers, but my priority for my wedding was the people attending, not how great I look. Maybe other people have different priorities...

I was desperately trying to get a "flashy" venue I'd fallen in love with to work - making the catering as basic as possible and such like. Eventually I had to give up and accept that I couldn't fit the numbers into our budget with that venue, cutting numbers would have made it work but I decided that people were more important to me than the place.

To me it's not "my" day. I want our families and friends to share the day with those they love too, whether or not I've got there. Obviously if there's family politics involved (divorced parents are my major one) or people you actively dislike then don't invite them, but I do think it's selfish to expect people to come alone purely because the numbers don't fit.

It's their wedding day - surely they're allowed to have what they want?

I think there have been some valid points made, as well as some pretty rude and rubbish ones on this thread.

I agree in principle that if someone is married it is best practise to invite their husband /wife.

However, as the OP stated the OH isnt liked and isnt really wanted there - in which case, OP should (without sounding harsh cos i really dont mean it harshly) deal with the fact that the friend will not be there during the day.

If i was invited to a friends wedding and they didnt invite my OH I would have serious reservations too, as I would like to think that others would see us as a unit.

But i really think its out of order to judge the OP like that and say theyre not a true friend etc. Just because Bride A plans their wedding in one way doesnt mean that Bride B is wrong for doing theirs differently and no-one is entitled to pass judgement on someone elses wedding or attitude towards planing their wedding.

*October11 jumps off high horse...*

Exactly, its their day, their priorities, their choice. Where they choose to put me (or the OH) in the priorities affects how I feel about them, and might make me evaluate why we've drifted apart.

For the OP, I wouldn't be surprised if the last minute change of mind is influenced by the OH as the practical realities and cost implications of them coming separately (2 lots of fuel if nothing else, unless they're walking distance) start to sink in. Fuel is expensive. Approx 140/l around here, which rather hurts the budget.

I do hope you are not suggesting my priority is how great I look???

As I pointed out before, OH seriously does not like her partner, which was one of the factors why we chose not to invite him to the day.

I don't think asking someone to come alone, when they will be there as part of a group of friends and family that they all know, is unfair.

On an absolutely personal level, I'd feel a bit put out if I was invited to a long-standing friend's wedding and h2b wasn't. It's unlikely that I would go, partly because I would feel awkward and partly because logistics would be tricky (I don't drive, we have 3 children and I get precious little time with them and h2b anyway). With that in mind, we've been sure to invite long term partners for many of our guests, even in the cases where we don't know/like them.

I have to agree with tinks, but that's just my personal opinion. We have a very small wedding (46 for the wedding breakfast) but we felt we could not invite people on their own even if we had never met their partners. We decided who we really wanted there and then worked numbers on the assumption that they would bring their partner.

I think it's terrible to say that people don't care about their guests if they restrict their numbers due to having a nice venue.

We have restricted our own numbers to 70 (and gone over a bit) but we have assumed that people come in couples. Eg I wanted one of my friends to come but would have had to have her husband and daughter too, so OH decided she couldn't be on the list.

I would prefer to think that we have invited our closest friends and family rather than have cheated our guests out of an invitation because we didn't care about them. My friend has invited about 200 people to his wedding: does mean that he cares about more people than me or is he just inviting a lot of extended family he barely sees??

Well, I'd hate to think what people think of me then. Going away to get married, expecting people to pay to come to our wedding - and only inviting 20 guests - when I have 24 coming to my hen do...! ?