would you be suspicious?....

i think if he is replying with kisses, then i would feel a bit uncomfortable with it. but you have to ask him, i am sure its nothing xx

aaah yes, but then theres the whole 'why are you looking through my e mails' arguement. I just dont have the energy to argue with him. I dont even have the energy to be angry with him over this! Dont get me wrong, Im angry! Just dont want the confrontation.

Almost every woman i know on a friendship basis puts kisses on emails and texts.

why are you reading his emails? is he aware?

evidently there is nothing in the emails to cause alarm apart from the x's, so what exactly is the problem? trust? something else?

you dont have the energy to be agnry with him, or ask him about it, yet youre asking us, who cant possibly comment with any kind of logis since you havent told us the content, or why youre reading his emails. nor do you want the confrontation with him so what exactly are you looking for from us?

nick, he was the one who started the whole kisses thing. she made a point of replying and then replying again with a load of kisses. technically i was checking to see if i had a reply in his e mail from his brother as mine was broken. it was then that i saw her name and wasnt sure if it was the same person as i only know her first name. but still i felt that all the kisses were weird. he is not a kisses person on a friend basis. this is what worries me.

he knows i am very insecure and i have been since the latter stages of pregnancy.

why were you reading his emails? were you suspicious before you found them?

WNickS, quite a few blokes I know always end an email or text with a 'x' too. The only way to find out what, if anything, is going on is to speak to your OH.

It doesn't sound as if there is anything to worry about i put kisses on the end of all my emails its just out of habbit!!

So its the kisses as opposed to the content that youre concerned about?

I can see your point if he's not normally an 'end the message with an xx' kind of person. The only way to put your suspicions to rest though is to ask him about it or it will just drive you mad. You say you were just saw the email innocently so just tell him that.

i dont know nick. a little support? an opinion on the basis of what i have said? rather than what seems to read like a telling off for asking and not providing the nitty gritty details.

it was a general massage, 'hi how are you' type thing which has bounced bak and forth with lots of kisses.

i have already given the reason as to why i read this e mail. i happened upon it innocently. i read it because i veguely remembered the name though wasnt sure on the surname. what i found upset me enough to ask for advice and support on here.

sorry nick i didnt men to get eggy. just not feeling very good atm.

Surely you can ask him without it being a 'confrontation'? I can't see how else you can possibly resolve this tbh.

i suppose im just going to have to speak to him. whenever i bring anything up that makes me feel uncomfortable he gets extremely defensive and there is confrontation. its as if he has to pro ve a point. like he is trying to throw things back t me if i start pointing out why im upset.

Youre not being told off, youre being questioned.

you cant just "come across" an email, you have to click to open it. come on. you opened it because you were suspicious of something, you havent found anything to worry about in the emails content, but yorue worrying about the kisses. are there other reasons you feel insecure? has he done something in the past? its great to want support, and people will offer it assuming a poster is giving all the facts. youre not going to get unconditional support from me though until you can say why you read his email in the first place, and offer more in the way of factual information. youre not giving enough for anyone to give you any kind of informed opinion. all it looks like so far is that youre insecure, you ve read an email, and found nothing worth worrying about, apart from some x's at the bottom, which tbh, seems to be very ott reaction to me (in the absence of further info anyway)

You could say something along the lines of...

I saw something on your email today that made me feel uncomfortable. I wanted to ask you about it because Im sure its innocent but I wanted to tell you how it made me feel etc etc'

Then you are not accusing him of anything, you are simply telling him that something has made you feel bad. If he starts trying to turn it all around just refuse to be drawn and stick to your points. I know its hard but if something upsets you, you shouldn't feel that you can't discuss it with your OH.

i have already explained my e mail wasnt working. i couldnt attatch photos and used his (he knew i was) to send an e mail to his brother. i checked to see if he had replied. he hadnt but i noticed this girls e mail. i remembered her name but couldnt remember if it was her surname. i opened it because as far as im aware he doesnt speak to her any more and yes i was suspicious as i am suffering from very low self esteem which i have also explained.

im sorry it was not as informative as you would have liked nick. im not looking for unconditional anything. just wanted to get my thoughts out and ask what others tought. i have found n the past that my anti depressants can make me more hormonal and quite a different person. i was worrie this was the case again, and tat i was reading too much into it.

I'd be miffed but with no good reason because I use kisses all the time to males and females and it means absolutely nothing. Also, I'm still friendly with a couple of exes because there is no good reason not to be - nothing dramatic happened, it just didn't work out between us and now we've moved on to better things. Have you any reason not to trust him in general?

krissie, i think i will just try that. i dont want an arguement, but i know he will try and make it one about how he feels.

thankyou xx

els, the main reason is because he started seeing this girl whist kin of seeing me. he was declairing his love for me and tat he wanted to be with me but because i didnt get together with him straight away he felt he should test how he feels for me by seeing her. this is why i am not particularly keen on him contacting her, as she was behind the big hurdle before i relationship got a good start iyswim.

I can't see that you need to make a big 'thing' out of it, because there is no suggestion in your posts that the content of the emails is anything but innocent (apart form the kisses, but I end emails with kisses all the time, it means nothing).

If you feel you must bring it up can it not be a low key 'I see you have an email from X, what's up with her?' or similar

L
xx

headless, thats what im trying to ask. would you be suspicious? or am i over reacting? is it my time of the month?? is it my medication? is it just me feeling insecure that is blowing this out of proportion?

i am going to speak to him. regardless of what he says he needs to know it has made me feel uncomfortable.

i dont mind him staying in contact with his ex's. i stay in contact with mine (although he has asked me not to - but there is no reason for him to ask me to do this) i honestly dont mind, but if its making me feel uncomfortable because of what happened at the time of us getting together surely these kisses are un necessary?

Yes but that's because they mean nothing to you. She has already said that he's not a "kisses at the end" type person!

I can see what you mean if he's not like it with all his girlfriends but as everybody else has said really, you just need to sit down and talk to him and explain how you feel about it. Good luck

Hmmmmm...this sounds a little like you are upset because he is staying in contact with his ex, after asking you not to stay in contact with yours, which you say you still do.

I don't think you can have it both ways. Maybe he is upset that you still keep in contact with yours and is doing it in retaliation? How would he feel if he read emails from your ex's?

I personally don't think there is anything wrong with staying in contact with your ex's - I keep in touch with some of mine, as does H, but we are both very open about it and usually mention it when we receive emails of any importance.

I personally don't think it sounds suspicious, but may be worth clearing the air with H on the subject of ex's and keeping in touch in general. Although if you are not willing to beak all contact with your ex's I don't think you can expect him to. Regardless of circumstances, an ex is someone who you shared some intimate contact with in the past, and the reasons / circumstances of the relationship breakup are irrelevant ro whether or not you 'allow' your partner to keep in touch with them.

One thing I think is that you shouldn't base your opinion of whether to be suspicious or not entirely on whether other people would be or not. People have different boundaries in their relationships which are dependent on what type of people they are. In my relationship I don't keep in contact with exes and neither does H, they are exes for a reason IMHO and are in the past but that doesn't mean its wrong if other people keep in touch with exes, its just what works for them. If I had seen my H putting xxx after a message to a girl yes I woudl be suspicious because my H isn't the sort to do that either so I would question it.

The fact of the matter is that seeing this has made you uncomfortable and I'm sure that your H does not want you to feel like that so you need to talk to him. I may be in the minority but I can totally see why you are uncomfortable given the past history. I think you need to have a frank open discussion about your boundaries.

So you are in touch with your ex(es), yet he has asked you not to. he is emailing an ex, with no worrying content apart from x's at the end. not only are you overreacting, but dare i say, youre a hypocrite.

how am i being a hypocrite? i have already said that i dont mind him contacting who he wants. i was just shocked that he had contacted her as he said they dont talk any more. if anyone is the hypocrite its him!

i really dont understand why you are making this out to be something its not. im not looking for unconditional anything, nor am i a hypocrite or some saddo looking for attention. you seem to be making me out to be that sort of person and i really dont like it.

as most have re itterated, he doesnt leave kisses at the end of anything (barely to me!) and that is what concerns me. why cant you just take it as that? why do you need to know all these details? i dont see why you must know to base in intricate opinion and others will take it for what it is and give advice?

Because i like facts really. to answer your original question, no, i wouldnt be suspicious and yes, i think youre overreacting.

Something to bear in mind: sometimes I feel obliged to respond to someone in the way that they communicate with me. I have used kisses on the end of text messages with someone I worked with - who happened to be MIL's next door neighbour, in his 50s and, to be completely frank, a bit smelly. He used to do it to me and it seemed a bit rude not to respond in the same way. H noticed and laughed, but wasn't upset.

The only way to resolve your fear is to talk to him. He should understand your insecurity, under the circumstances.

I had a similar situation recently. I found a text on H's work phone that was quite personal (although not over familiar) and ended with a kiss. I found it because I was looking at his phone as I was thinking of changing my contract to that handset. I was upset for a while but quickly realised he was with me when the text was sent. I asked him about it, and it turned out to be from someone he doesn't know - presumably to the person who owned the phone before him at work.

He might have lied, he might be having an affair. More fool him if that's the case. I'm not about to damage a perfectly healthy relationship by not trusting him or believing what he says.

So, you're not the only one.

In other words, exactly the situation most people predicted when you posted about it elsewhere.

As I believe I said at the time, the simplest and most plausible explanation is highly likely to be the correct one - and it's the safest assumption to make.

Yes, Mr JK, maybe I should have updated the post?

I did appreciate everyone's comments, especially yours, because they were sensible and made me feel reassured. And you were right ?

Laurenbird, take heed of this sensible man.

You lot are a lot more relaxed about things that I am.

So he was seeing this girl behind your back, then he emails her and HE starts the kisses thing, not her - even though its not something he normally does. I would be fuming.

You say he gets defensive about things - what kind of things do you mean? How long have you been together?

x

No reason not to be - JK and I are both in touch with exes (and we've each met them). Although we still get on, they're exes for various perfectly good reasons, and the situation that caused them to become exes isn't going to change, so there's nothing to worry about.

(As JK once told me, unless I'm having an affair on the train on my daily commute - during the rush hour! - she can't for the life of her see how I'd manage it!)