Would you be willing to move for your OH?

I don't really have the issue of work as i'm our childcare and ny Oh is a builder so he can go anywhere, but I can honestly say hands down I would follow graham anywhere. We have 4 kids and 2 of those are autistic but as long as it wouldn't affect them too much i'd go in a heartbeat.

We had this situation a few months ago when my dad was offered a job in dubai but my mum didn't want to go.

Basic answer is YES - because I've done it. But it suited us both and we both had jobs etc - internal transfers really, and family were still only a couple of hours away. NI - to Redcar isn't just up the road and is a fair trek. Has your OH spent any time there to see if he might actually like it? I can see his reluctance as he'd be moving into your area and he might feel that he'd be left out.

Clearly you need to talk to see if you can agree a compromise.

Now turn it around. Would you be willing to stay where you are for your OH? While his reasons for not wanting to move are different to yours, that doesn't make them less valid. It isn't a case of one of you doing it for the other, it's something you should sit down and work out together, look at both options and try and come to a mutual agreement that is best for both of you x

I did move for my OH, recently OH said if I get a good postgrad opportunity we can move for a year or so lol to be honest I would hate to uproot my son now hes settled in school though

I think you need to weigh up pros and cons:

family

family commitments

social commitments

work commitments

finance

etc...

you might get a great job but if OH has to leave everyone he knows, sell his house, leave his sick granny, quit his job, leave the rugby team hes played for since 15 etc... then its not fair to him to drag him away

I was fine moving as im very 'nomad-y' where I lay my hat kind with no commitments, I never lived in 1 place longer than a year until I had my son

OH though sees his family everyday, still has the same 3 best friends he has had since nursery and has lived in the same house since he was born... he is comfortable only here and would not want to live anywhere else that would burst his little 'perfect life' bubble and I get that

It is a tricky one, but the only thing I can really say is that he needs to compromise. Yes it may be scary for him to uproot, but rarely do people stay in the same place forever. What he needs to think about is your future together, and if this new job provides you with some life satisfaction, and I am assuming the pay is very good due to your PhD, then that will give you both even more financial security (happy wife equals easy life hehehe). Like you said there will be jobs for him in England. The fact you will love your new job and you have already experienced it, AND they offered you a job TWICE is just too perfect to turn down, and it will be incredibly low risk.

I think he needs to grow a pair and try this new adventure. I have no idea where Redcar is, but is it far from Ireland? You can always visit family, if it is hours and hours, maybe just looking for a job in North England or Scotland? Is that a possibility?

Gee I hope you manage to convince him, that is one awesome opportunity for BOTH of you!! I will be gutted for you if you have to turn down this job and potentially waste years of hard work and a PhD just so he can stay in his comfort zone.... Life and marriage is an adventure, I just hope he realises that, and that you will be in it together. Keep us updated, all the best :-)

Thank you all for your quick replies. I know his reasons are very valid, I didn't mean to come across as belittling them, and I do get where he is coming from. He has been in Redcar and knows my friends and gets on really well with them, but I guess that is the point - they are my friends, and he'd have to start from scratch in a new town, new job etc. I think the reason I'm so upset is he is so unwilling to compromise - everytime we talk about it it is a case of I'm not moving, and that's it. I have already moved for him (not keeping score, please don't read it like that), so it's not like I'm asking him to consider something I wouldn't do for him. I think a lot of it has to do with age - he is 12 years older, so already settled and things, whereas I am just starting my career - but should that mean that I just suck it up and stay where he is, despite going to uni for 7 years to try and get a decent job etc. I don't know what to think anymore - I love him to bits and I really do want to marry him, does that mean that I should just give up hopes of a "dream" job and stay in NI for him? Argh, so many questions! X

I gave up my life in Newcastle and moved to Manchester to be with my OH. He had bought a house here whereas I was just renting so it made more sense for me to move for us to be together! I applied for a few jobs in my field and then as soon I as was offered one I moved down to be with OH.

In future OH has the better job so for us it would make financial sense for us to move if he were offered a good opportunity elsewhere. We would both like to move back to the area where we grew up but the job market there is very limited, but if the opportunity arose we would take it.

Redcar is very close to Middlesbrough so Im sure there would be plenty of opportunities for him, its a shame he wont even consider it and seems very one sided. I think perhaps this issue goes a bit deeper and you need to really think about if you would be happy giving up your dreams for your career. If you feel you would be "settling" by staying where you are this could grow into resentment which is not healthy in a relationship.

Tricky situation. I would move anywhere for my H2B. I think you both need to sit down and write a list of pros & cons for staying & for moving. I would say he needs to comprimise, you say you've turned down a job before because of him. Gently remind him of that lol

Heavymetalmaiden - this is exactly how I feel, thank you! The pay would be fantastic, much better than the jobs going over here (I know money isn't everything, but my it helps). I guess I need to talk to him seriously about it, I don't know if he realises how serious I am about it. Thanks again x

LRsoontobeLH - I am worried about the resentment side for both of us - if I don't move will I resent him? If we do move will he resent me? MrsB88 - I would like to remind him but scared of coming across as throwing it in his face!

It would honestly depend on whether the job he'd be moving to is worth uprooting our lives. If it was a great opportunity etc then yes I'd move to be with him.

As others have said, you both need to have a chat and work out the pros and cons. He shouldn't just discount the idea without discussing it properly.

I wouldn't move far as I don't wanna be too far from my parents. They aren't as young as they used to be and I don't drive, so I worry about not being able to get there in good time if they need me, especially as my brother is a couple of hours drive away as well. I think that's a good reason. If they weren't around then yeah, I'd happily move.

I have moved and given up a great job to be with my other half. At the time when we wanted to move in together it wouldn't have worked for him to move to where I was l living due to work commitments and evening classes so I gave up my job and moved to his home town. It is a huge decision but we wanted to be together and I'm glad it's all worked out. It was perhaps easier for me though as I've travelled a lot and lived in quite a lot of places so one more move wasn't a big deal. Maybe you could come to a bit of a compromise and suggest moving for a year or two and if he's really not settling you'd consider moving back? That way he's not thinking about forever and it may be easier for him to get his head around. Good luck with it all x

InkedDoll - I think this is his logic for staying over here - a drive away if someone needs you in a hurry!

Pipsybus - that's a great idea, I never thought of a sort of probationary period! thanks!

InkedDoll - I think this is his logic for staying over here - a drive away if someone needs you in a hurry!

Pipsybus - that's a great idea, I never thought of a sort of probationary period! thanks!

I should add, about 12yrs ago my cousin and her husband and kids emigrated to Australia. My aunt was heartbroken, especially as her other son died when he was 14 and my uncle had also died a few years before, so she had no other immediate family left at home (although plenty of extended family including us). Four years ago she had a heart attack and it was touch and go whether she'd survive. My mum has to call my cousin in Oz and break the news, and my cousin had to get straight on a plane, at great expense and leaving her job and family behind, not knowing whether her mum would even still be alive when she arrived here. My aunt did survive (hurray!) but the point is that even having gone through that, my cousin still wouldn't say she regrets moving and giving her family a better life. So yeah...something to ponder, maybe.

Now that im older I am glad I live relatively close to family (about 40 minutes drive) because my whole family all took ill (all 4 members with different things) just after I settled down... a lot of our dead relative died pretty suddenly and without warning in our family and ive seen the devastation and guilt of the people that didnt make it back in time so thats another big reason as to why I wouldn't move now (unless it was within the surrounding cities)

I think family is the main reason most people wont move away

I moved to Cardiff from near Bristol to be with my OH. We had both decided that either of us would move for the other, but it made more sense for me to go to him.

My parents and sister both drive and can get over in about 40 mins to an hour. Whereas OHs parents don't drive and would take them more like 2 hours to get to us had we moved.

I already had a friendship group in Cardiff from uni and through OH so i only had to worry about starting a new job. OH didn't have friends in Bristol as most of my friends are single girls. He would have had to start everything over.

Ideally i would have been nearer to my mum but its not far enough away that i can't get back when i need to - we've had a ccouple of family emergencies since then and it hasn't been a huge issue.

OH keeps mentioning that he would like to emigrate to Australia - he's not really serious at the moment and it's something i'd find very hard, being so close to my mum. But if it did ever because something more serious i would definately consider it for him.

So yes, I would, but I know he would do the same. If it was all one sided then it would probably be different.

This is a hard one and l can see it from both sides -you have worked so hard to get your PhD and you want a job where you can use it. Versus your OH bring settled where he is, has a job he likes etc. If you have already moved for him then surely it is only fair if he does the same for you? Even to at least try is especially if there are no suitable jobs where you are at the moment. From what you have said he should be able to find similar type of work near Redcar.

*BT reference*

I can imagine us having this debate if we ever have children. We live in Essex near some of his family and over 200 miles from mine. I can't help but think l would want to move closer to home. It could be argued he had had his "turn" and his family are not very supportive. Plus a few of his friends coincidentally live in or very near Manchester.

I think it comes on a case by case basis ... I'd have a hard time asking my OH to move away for me (though I know that she'd consider it if it was something important) because she grew up here, she has a solid network here of friends and family who are a huge part of her life here, she loves her life here and although she has a job that could be done in any part of the country, she loves where she works. She's moved about in her younger years when she was getting her career sorted, but came back. So although she'd consider moving, I'd have a hard time asking her to.

On the other hand, I'm not from here originally, my family are dotted about all over, I have lots of friends here, but also all over the country. I love where I live and I'd like to stay here forever, but it would be less to ask, to ask me to move away.

In answer to the question yes I moved 2 hours from my severely disabled mum to be with my OH though I think I would draw the line at needing to fly back to see her which would likely be the case for you two and it is clearly a different set of circumstances. I think you need to have a good old chat about this and come to a compromise.

This is a difficult one and as Sillywrong said can only really be considered on a case by case basis.

I would consider moving if it was his dream job but I would have to consider whether or not I'd be able to get work there, how far away it was, whether or not he'd be able to do the same job closer to our current home.

It's really difficult to say if I'm honest. You need to speak to him and tell him how much you want this opportunity. Would it be a possibility for you to take the job and you live apart temporarily? Then you'll know if it's worth asking him to move and leave his job/family?

It sounds like your OH could probably get a job quote easily in a new area, whereas you are much more specialised so it's more difficult for you to find one. I would be willing to move and so would my OH in this position. I'm from London and OH is from Bristol where we are both living. I love it and wouldn't consider going back to London but I know my OH would come with me if I did. I just think he needs to see what an opportunity this is for you. I'm also wondering that because of the age gap maybe your OH has "done" the whole career thing and is at a different stage of life. Only you know. But I do think he should be more open to the possibility and you're not being unreasonable for wanting to try.

I've always said I would, for example his career could take him to Dubai, the US, Australia etc but at the moment he's settled in a good company here, but if he were given the opportunity I've always said he should go for it. My career on the other hand isn't as specialised as his is, so I could get a job pretty much anywhere without great trauma I'd imagine. But if push came to shove could I leave my family and friends for a new life abroad, I'm not so sure! I guess I always just assumed nothing like that would ever actually come along!

No, I wouldn't.

As much as I love my H, I am a total homebody, and have all of my family, and close friends near by, and wouldn't like to leave them. My 2 kids are settled, and I wouldn't want to uproot them.

My H moved to be with me, but he knows that I would never leave my family and friends.

I'm moving from bristol to leeds for my OH in two weeks time. We both grew up in the south west and both our families are here. We are going for career opportunities as the job offer was too good to turn down. I'm completely freaking out but it's a choice we both agreed on. Sometimes it's good to change things up. Let's take a look at what the north has to offer!
You need to talk to your oh and explain how serious you feel about this. You will always think what if.
No you're not being selfish at all. You have every right to want to explore more opportunities. Good luck and keep us posted!

Wow, thank you all so much for your replies and advice! It's nice to hear so many different opinions on the matter, from both sides of the story! I think I'm going to try and have a chat with him over the weekend and just explain how much it would mean to me! But I would be happy staying here if that's what it came to - he will be my husband and I want to be with him, at the end of the day! Thanks again ladies xx