WWYD?

I've spent too many relationships bending over backwards to keep the other person happy to do it any more. I'd be stubborn, if it meant that much to me.

So he's arguing about half day? Can you say that you will leave at 5pm and he can follow you up on 27th? Chances are he'll end up coming with you anyway?

I don't think you'll ever see eye to eye on this so one of you will have to compromise, or you'll have to do your separate things.

26th to NY does seem like quite a long time to me. I confess I would go spare if I had to spend this length of time or more than a day in the company of my H's family, just because we are VERY different people.

Have you spoken to your H about how you could make his visits to your family more bearable for him?

Id tell him to spend christmas alone and go up Boxing day as planned!!!!!

My family would have to not be there for it to be bearable. We've discussed it so many times & there's just no way he will ever accept them. He's such a snob.

I've suggested this, but he says we either go together on the 27th or he doesn't come at all.

Then I guess he feels really uncomfortable and awkward around them? I'd suggest a much shorter visit - 2 days max, and your assurance that you will always take his part. It sounds like a culture clash to me so he probably really needs your full support.

But I really need his AC. It's easy for him, his family are there whenever he wants to see them. He doesn't have to take time off work, or plan a trip to see them. He just can, whenever he wants. It's not like that for me. I can't pick and choose when I want to see them. And a 500 mile, 10 hour, £60 in petrol round trip for 2 days to see my family hardly seems worth it.

I never ask him to come with me any other time of the year. I'm more than happy to go on my own. But it's Christmas. & he can't seem to put his feelings aside for less than a week.

I'm just really fed up of being the one who has to compromise.

The same as you. There is absolutely no defence to his stance of forcing you to remain at his parents. Boy and I often travel to various places on different days during the Christmas holidays - you get to meet up for a drink with friends, or just, you know, have a night apart in what is a very intense couple of weeks.

However, I agree with AC - Boxing Day to past New Year is a long stint at either house. If he's going to argue that, you can too. You did it last year, he does it this year. And then next year, you come up with a different plan (maybe a couple of days at home together in between?).

Is it because they all wear tracksuits and bling? Is it because I iz black?

Sorry but I couldn't resist!

Can you just do what he wants this year? If you are wanting kids and are fortunate to have them it will all change then anyway and you will probably get your way forever more!?

If my H said this to me I would go on my own. I dont do well with ultimatums, especially when it comes to family.

I'm probably not the best person to comment on this thread really - most of you know that I choose to spend Christmas alone rather than with parts of H's family. but that is partly to do with feelings of personal safety.

However, my H and I have just spent a weekend (one night) at my mum's house - the first time H has been there for 4.5 years. And you know what? It's fine. It is just a different version of normal

I would refuse to spend that amount of time at boyos parents. I am not really happy about spending Christmas day and sleeping there for one night but I am doing as we are spending Christmas Eve and staying over at my parents.

I would go on my own if he wouldn't come but I would send him to his parents on his own.

I know in principal he should go on Boxing Day, as you did last year- as that would seem very fair. Although, I have to agree with someone else that 5 days with my inlaws would push me over the edge no matter how well I got on with then. So I can kind if understand why he's unhappy about it.

What AC suggested could be a better option, could you suggest going to your parents on the 26th and leaving on the 28th?

I've just read your post about travelling, I know it's not as easy for you but I still think 5 days is a long time. For anyone.

Borh my parents and Hs parents live across the water so we also have to plan/fly/boat/drive etc- I still wouldn't go for 5 days I don't think.

I know, almost certainly, that my H's family consider me to be a snob too. H and I have VERY different upbringings - his Tory, Forces, macho; mine Socialist, pacifist and literary.

It means that we really don't understand each other too well and this can cause, well not exactly friction - they have good hearts - difficulty between us. I don't get their type of banter, for example. To me it comes across as extremely rude. I don't get their apparent lack of formal manners. It's normal to them.

The point I am making is that anyone forced into this kind of situation is going to feel very uncomfortable, regardless of how much they love their partner. And that is why I think a short visit with you standing beside your H all the way, is what I would recommend.

So last year did you spend boxing day evening to ny with his family? sorry if I've missed this point.

I love my h's family but would definitely struggle to spend that amount of time with them.

Could you not travel down together then he come home earlier?

Yep, we did.

I've told him he can come on his own for a shorter length of time, but he wont do that.

I try to compromise. But even my compromises aren't enough for him. I have to either do everything he says/wants, or nothing at all.

Only if you let him dictate this.

Stand up to him.

In which case he's being an idiot in my opinion. It's not one rule for him and another for you.

Right, I've been on the Trainline website, and he could get a train for £32 on the 30th, and then come home with me on the 1st. I'm going to suggest this to him tonight and if he's not happy with that, then it's tough.

That's a compromise right?

Then he's got 27th, 28th & 29th to do whateverthefuck he wants.

Just joining this and I think your suggestion about him joining you on the 30th is more than reasonable.

I completely get what everyone else is saying about 5 days being a long time at the inlaws but you've given him the option to come for less time - why on earth should he emotionally blackmail you to make you spend less time there just because he wants to?!

I would say if he doesn't agree to you going for the 5 days and him joining you for a couple of them then I really would go without him full stop. Don't let him bully you.

This sounds totally reasonable imo. I would be pissed off if he doesn't do it.

I think that sounds like a good plan. I think 5 days is a long time to spend with your in laws, but if you did it last year then he shouldn't be refusing to do it this year. If he refuses the 2 day option then just go without him, as you say you don't get to see your parents often, don't let him spoil that for you.

I just spoke to H, suggested the train to him. He threw a massive paddy and stormed out ?

I have to laugh else I'll cry.

He says "it's not about the length of time, it's because you don't ask me first, you just organise stuff."

I do. But that's because I already *know* what he'll say if I suggest something. He'll straight away say he doesn't want to go. Which is why I organise something and then ask if he wants to come along.

It frustrates me that he doesn't see it from my point of view. That he doesn't see how hard it is to be in the middle. Trying to please him, and trying to please myself.

You have married a manchild.

This.

Stop making excuses for yourself - he's turned it back on you for one reason only. He knows you're being reasonable and he doesn't like it.

Don't discuss it any more - tell him he has his options and it's up to him what he does but you're going as planned.

Twerp.

Basically, this.

Is he expecting you to back down? Do you usually?

What happens at work when something happens he doesn't like- does he just storm out then?!

He needs to grow up!

Ignore him and like kharv said don't discuss it further.

Agree with everyone else.

H's family are really nice but I struggle with the intensity of being with them for anything over 5 hours really. I like my own space and my own things.

We are spending this xmas in France with H's family but I' ve managed to cut it down to thee nights, which is much more bearable for me. You sound like you've been extremely reasonable and I would stand your ground.

WEES. He is throwing a toddler tantrum purely because he can't stand not getting his own way.

I would say to him very clearly that last year you spent 5 days with his family, therefore this year you will be spending 5 days with your family. He can come or not, but either way you are going.

Agree with everyone. He is being ridiculous.