Your advice would be appreciated (long) - final update pg 3

Has he got parents/siblings/family? Suggest that he takes a sojourn at home?

Explain you cannot afford to keep him at the flat for free and with his storage unit coming up for payment there are little options as there is no space at the flat.

Other than that I can't think of anything. I feel for him!

Then again you're not a charity...

Hello lady zith, what a horrible situation to be in. I know how hard it is to get a job, even when in employment, I had 1 friend who applied for 100 jobs before she got anything. I have to say that in my opinion he should have stayed in his job and his own accommodation, I have been through tough times in the workplace but I couldn't just leave which is technically what he has done. I also don't think it's fair on you as you seem to be bailing him out and now it's financial, I can't see you getting your money anytime soon either. Could you be honest with your mum and tell her you will pay her back on a monthly basis? As for your boyfriend I do think honesty is the best policy here, tell him to move out and that you don't want to be with him anymore. Surely he can go to parents, siblings or a friend's to live? If you wait for him to get a job, deal with his depression then you could be waiting a long time........I feel for you and hope you get it sorted out soon, let us know how you get on Xx

It's a hard situation but if you don't want to be with him then it's not really your problem to have to sort him out. Does he have family he could go and stay with? It's not nice for him going through this but you shouldn't have to deal with all his problems, sometimes it takes getting to rock bottom for someone to sort themselves out. If he's depressed and you're paying the bills this could go on for a long time before he does anything about the situation. I think you need to face it now before it gets worse for you both.

Sadly parents not an option. He has a brother but he lives in digs where he works as well - so again not an option (and nowhere near Bristol).

I'm not unsympathetic to his situation - I'm really not. But when it gets to the point it's 4 days since we actually had a conversation because he's busy gaming or he's asleep when I'm at home and awake - I do have to question what I'm getting from this relationship. And this morning he was in bed when I got up, and awake when I came back from the shower, and didn't even bother saying hello. If he can't even have the courtesy to say good morning to me then I'm just not sure what I can do. I actually feel unwelcome in my own home at the moment.

As a relationship - when we're good it's awesome. When we're not good it's literally hell. Moving in together has brought that to a head. I just don't need this any more for my own sake.

It sounds like this is making you really unhappy, if he can't even be bothered to talk to you I would pack his bags and tell him to get out (sorry if that sounds brutal) xc

Even if he can't stay with family he can ask them for money or he can go and live with friends in another city.

he's not tied to Bristol as you say he has no friends or social scene there. Why would he stay there if you arent together any more. Surely he'll just go back to where he came from or somewhere totally different?

I know it's super tough to get a job, but if it's at the stage where you don't have any money for rent or storage you don't have any time to game. You go get yourself out there and clean toilets or work in a bar if you must.

Ironically it's bar work he's after. He was assistant manager in a pub in his last job. He's been applying for bar staff jobs as well as manager ones.

I've tried talking to him. I sent him a very long email about a week ago (so he could read it with me not there and digest it before I got home) setting out the little things I wasn't happy about and clearly saying that this isn't working for me - but I want it to and this is what I'd like. He avoided talking about it. He made an effort for a few days (til about Saturday, and I was hopeful this could get sorted) then shut down completely.

Sadly I've got to the point I've tried, and frankly gone beyond upset into just numb and had enough. I can't be bothered any more. It's sad. I'll see if he's around to talk to this evening & whether I get more than 1 syllable grunts from him. Otherwise I'll probably be on here quite a bit!!

Really - thank you for the support & advice. I really appreciate having some sort of outlet for this.

He sounds like he's just using you for free accomodation tbh! At the 4 month stage of a relationship things should still be new and exciting, I wouldn't waste anymore time on this guy when you could be out there finding someone who really wants to be with you. Kick him to the curb, he'll cope!

I apologise in advance if this sounds harsh, but I've been puzzling over this since your post about being a gaming widow.

Just kick him out. You are not responsible for his welfare or for homing him. There are other places he could go but hasn't bothered. When he lost his job he was made homeless, so could have gone to the local council. Is he claiming job seekers allowance? Has he got himself on a housing list? I know there isn't a lot out there for single men, but if he hasn't done these things then he isn't trying.

Tell him to get his arse out of the games and into the job hunting. There is no point hoping a job will 'come up' or find him, he needs to be out there, going from pub to pub until he gets a job.

Frankly he sounds lazy, disrespectful and downright rude.

You shouldn't have lent him money that wasn't yours to lend and you will not get that back all the time he is able to lounge around in your home doing exactly what he wants to do. He is showing you no respect, no care or attention and he is taking you for a ride.

Forget the money, apologise to your mum and arrange to pay her back and tell him to get out.

Hi

I am sorry but I have to agree with Auntie BJ.

Maybe call your local council in advance and see how to get him out of your house? Give him a date to get out and leave it at that. I'm so sorry if I sound harsh but it is not right he is making you so miserable in your own home, he doesn't sound like he is making an effort to maintain a friendship let alone a relationship.

Good luck with everything Hun

Cough cough I'm going to put on my "work" hat & consider me your friendly housing officer at the council. Anything I say is likely to be said to your bf should he approach the council for help with housing. I will add a disclaimer though that the services with your council area may vary so the advice is fairly general.

Firstly, your bf has no legal right to remain living in your property he is living there with your permission. In effect he is a bare licencee. You can ask him to Leave as any point and without any notice period.although most councils would consider 28 days as 'reasonable notice'.

Should he approach the council is is highly likely to tell him that finding accommodation is his own responsibility and they have no duty to house him - because under the homeless legislation he may be considered not in priority need if he is not considered to be vulnerable. IF he is non priority need he could be found intentionally homeless for giving up his job when he knew he would lose his accommodation.

He can apply to join the housing waiting list but he may not be accepted onto it - this is because new laws have come in which allow councils to be more strict about who they will house and many require you to have lived in the area for a significant period of time (in many cases years) before you are deemed to have a local connection to that council or have some other local connection (eg employment) and thus qualify for inclusion onto the housing register.

He may qualify for a rental deposit scheme from the council depending on their rules soit is worth asking and in my area we have an arrangementvwith the local credit union to provide low cost loans forca deposit which he might be able to access. he may be qualify for housing benefits to help pay the rent if he has a low income. If he is under 35, he may only qualify for housing benefits for lodgings or shared accommodation. There are also websites such as Spare Room which advertise rooms to let otherwise its the local paper.

Many areas have hostels such as YMCA or other projects that the council can refer/ signpost your bf to. Night shelters are also an option if he doesn't have any friends or family to stay with.

I just wanted to echo that you aren't under an obligation to accommodation him & as difficult as it is you may need to force his hand.

What Chucklevision said. (Also putting my legal hat on). Particularly the bit about him being deemed have made him intentionally homeless.

In my opinion, you have two options:

1. Do exactly what Auntie BJ says. Tell him to leave. Accept you won't get the money back and arrange to pay your mum back. Live, learn and move on.

2. Don't kick him out and go on a one woman motivation mission. Turn off the computer/TV (or whatever people game on, don't have a clue). Force him to engage with you whilst you write him a CV. Force him into a car and drive around Bristol handing his CV out. Monitor the responses and force him to follow them up. For goodness sake don't give him any more money! Get him to sign a receipt confirming you have loaned him x amount and he will pay you back.

Given that you have only been with him 4 months and he has rapidly incurred your displeasure would be tempted to go with option one!

Horrible situation. Lady Zith - you sound like a lovely lady who has been taken advantage of. I think it's a case of "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me" if that makes sense. Take control and don't let him play you.

Love Helens stance on this. She's right, you can either be bothered to try and help him get a job (still no guarantee he'll pay you back though) or ditch him now. He has no ties to where you live so he doesn't need to stay with you, it's not fair on you to keep feeling this way. You're not responsible for him, you're just a nice person trying to do the right thing. Don't let him wear you.down.x

Incidentally, I sort of half did option 2 for a friend's daughter recently - although she wasn't living with me and didn't owe me money.

Might start a new career as the Fairyjobmother. Loved that TV programme.

Lady Zith, he's told you he's applying for jobs and you have no reason not to believe him

BUT

You've also said he's always gaming and doesn't even stop to engage with you. When exactly do you think he's looking for and applying for jobs. If it's bar work he's after he should be out pounding the streets handing in his CV to every bar and restaurant in the area. He isn't. He's sat in your flat using your electricity gaming whilst you're out at work.

Help him pack his bags.

I agree with all of the above, especially Helen. He is freeloading and sees no reason to change. Is he really depressed? If so he needs to be getting treatment. Bar work, you can get by walking round the pubs and clubs with your CV. If he has experience he has a good chance of getting that kind of work.

I know it's not simple, but you do simply need to dump him and send him on his way. A 4 month relationship is going nowhere if it is like this already. You owe him nothing but you have to look after your own life. Sorry this is harsh, but you need rid.

Hi ladies. Firstly - wow - thank you for your responses. Genuinely - I really appreciate you taking the time to write on here. I have a bit of an update (which is why I didn't get on here last night).

I got home yesterday and he was sitting on the sofa watching tv - he immediately switched off the tv when I got in, came up to me, hugged me and started crying. Basically he gave me a grovelling apology about how he's been, and talked through all the things he'd done yesterday while I was out. He showed me the emails he's been sending to apply for things, and had a list of phone numbers to call today to follow up those emails. So on the job front he is applying (I confess I was sceptical). He also has a plan on how to pay me back - the 1st tranche of that is something he's promised to sort today while I'm at work.

I DIDN'T give him an easy time. He basically asked me if I still wanted to try and make us work, or if he'd pushed me too far. I didn't look him in the eye and said that I genuinely didn't know. I then gave him both barrels about how I've been feeling. I really didn't hold back at all. He cried a lot and apologised a lot more. I won't bore you with the gory details, but basically we've left it that he's going to try. He's knows exactly what I need to make it work - and that it's up to him to decide to put that in place or not. He also knows that this is his absolute final chance and if it doesn't improve and STAY improved, he's out. He actually said he wasn't sure how I'd put up with him and why I hadn't kicked him out already. (I said it was cos I still wanted a chance of getting my money back!)

As far as he's concerned he has some serious effort to put in, and it may still not work. He knows he's pushed me to my limit and is on wafer thin ice.

And my perspective - well I will wait and see what happens and take 1 day at a time. So if he makes promises and doesn't keep them, he's out. If he retreats back to where he's been the last few days - he's gone. As for long term - I don't think this will go anywhere. But I will say that when things have been good, they've been amazing. And I DO understand depression - I think that's why I've been so understanding with him so far. I know how he's been feeling, because I've been there myself. I understand the fact that you simply can't function or think. That's where he's been. But I think him realising that he'd pushed me away so far as well and was literally about to lose me, made him re-evaluate and wake up. We'll see. I'm not holding my breath, but I will let him prove that he wants this. If he doesn't - then that's it.

Thanks so much for the support ladies - I appreciate it.

Well done you! So glad he reached out, and so, so glad you weren't just sweetness and light to him. Keep us updated, we're rooting for you x

Well done you! I understand depression too and I get how it can make you be - I've been there as well.

You're looking after you and that's the best move you could make. Fingers crossed it works out for you both!

Thanks for your update sound like you were really strong. Fingers crossed he gets a job soon as I'm sure that will make a big difference, but well done for looking after you. Good luck and please do keep us updated. As Mrs S said, we are all rooting for you xx

HOpe he finds a new job soon and things improve for you! Get him to go out there and physically hand in his CV to people. It'll do him good to go out rather than be locked up all day.

Is it worth setting a deadline for this? I find it helps me to gather my thoughts... Just a thought...

Thank you ladies - you're all so lovely!

I printed him out a dozen copies of his CV for him to do exactly that - take them round to places. He said he was going to do that today. (Along with doing some food shopping, cleaning the kitchen, and making me dinner....!)

In terms of deadline, he has to have something at least lined up by the end of next week (6th June). That's the commitment he's made to me - even if it's a job he doesn't want and it's temporary he's promised me he'll have something.

I remain sceptical based on recent experience, but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt until then. (Obviously if I get home and he's been on the blinkin PS all day then there will be a different conversation happening this evening... ) But from last night & this morning I believe he's sincere. It's really whether this lasts or dips again in a couple of days (which has happened before).

I'll keep you posted.

Good on you for helping :-)

My friend was in a similar situ recently (except they already lived together). Her biggest issue was that he claimed he spent all day applying for jobs and nothing came of it. So she was still expected to do all the housework. Even after a 12 hour day (overtime) she'd come home to find him on the sofa asking what she was making for tea.

She ended up telling him to sort himself out or get out. He finally started doing all the housework and cooking, then 2 weeks later got offered a job! (Mainly because she 'helped' with his applying) :-)

Ahh - I hadn't bothered mentioning that bit... This. Exactly. It was on my list...!!

Glad you have had the talk with him. As an outsider looking in then he did appear to be taking the piss. Fingers crossed he finds something soon

Glad you got it sorted!

I just realised I wrote my response having not read page two ...

Having read the whole thing please be careful he doesn't continue to take the piss. Definitely take it day by day. As you have had depression yourself you are going to be far more sympathetic and prone to being manipulated by him. I ended up being in a 15 year realtionship that started like this and it got to the point where he just took advantage constantly?

Just popped on to give a quick update. (And thanks Pittabre - I know - I have a couple of friends who are 'with me' on this so will make sure I don't get sucked too far in!)

Things still OK-ish. Small steps but definitely progress. And today we're having a day focussing on being together & doing kind of 'fun couple' things rather than sitting co-existing. So he's taking us to the cinema this afternoon, and we're having a roast dinner that we're each cooking part of. He did pay me some cash the other day as promised, and more than that he has an interview lined up for tomorrow!! Unfortunately it doesn't pay enough for him to get his own place - but it's a start. He may not get it anyway but we'll see.

But I am absolutely keeping in mind that this is last chance saloon and if he regresses AT ALL then that's it. This is about me and my life and needs now. I'm staying focused.

Hi Lady Zith,

Just wanted to say I hope things do work out. I think even if you do part ways at least you can do it with your head held high and know you didn't kick him when he was down.

I don't know what the cost of living situtaion is like in Bristol but not many people can afford a place of their own where I live. If he gets this job he needs to get on Gumtree and look for a house share. If he ends up living with like-minded people then it also could give him a way into a social life. Win-win!

Good luck!

Wondered how things were going a week plus onwards??

Thanks Pittabre. The reason I haven't posted a full update now is because to be honest I'm not sure. It's safe to say things are up and down. It's difficult when you put stuff on somewhere like a forum, because there's no way you can write the WHOLE story (unless you want 76 pages!!) - so it's headlines. And over the course of the week the headlines have been very varied. The summary is - when it's good it's bloody brilliant. When it's not - it's hell on earth. And this last week has been pretty much 50/50 split between the two.

Positives are that he has now had 3 interviews - waiting to hear back from those (they've all said at least a week til he hears). Plus he IS still applying daily for more. The negative bit is that when it's bad it's hideous and we fight. I'm standing my ground, and we're both pretty feisty people - so when I dig in so does he. It's been such an emotional rollercoaster I'm exhausted. So I went away on Friday straight from work & came back yesterday (girlie night out with my cousin). What that did was give me the headspace to really think about it all. I've come to a few conclusions.

Despite what I've said on here, I do actually like this guy & want to be with him. (Bear with me before you shout at me on that one - i'll get to that). And he likes me and wants to be with me. What I haven't understood until now is WHY when you have 2 people who genuinely do want to try and make a relationship work, it is so damn hard to make it happen. I've finally worked it out. What I've realised is that we are fundamentally incompatible in terms of what we actually need from a relationship as individuals. Nothing to do with what we think of each other - but we need such different things that I now believe that they are mutually exclusive.

I need attention to detail, reassurance, visible signs of affection rather than just words. Little things like spontaneous text messages for no reason other than he was thinking about me. Or getting up from the other side of the room to kiss me then go back. Little things. I put a lot of energy into a relationship. I need someone who can reciprocate that energy.

He needs a relationship where he has the space to be him, do his own thing, not feel stifled, and be able to come into a joint space as and when he can. His primary energy goes into his work - he's not like me who just has "a job" - he has a full on career that he desperately cares about. (I think too much - but that's me)He can't have a relationship that takes away from that.

I'm not trying to say what he wants is a bad thing - it's just not ever going to meet my needs. And he's resisting me because what I need is stifling him and smothering him.

So I think despite the fact that we DO like each other - a lot - I don't think we'll ever be right together. What I'm planning to do is go out this afternoon (I'm sitting with hairdye on my head right now!) and we can talk this through.

I'm hoping this is making sense - I now think (having taken some time to step back from it all) that the current living situation isn't actually the cause of the problem - it's just kind of concentrated it. Obviously it's easy to focus on that as the immediate thing because it's the day to day stuff. I just think that if we were fundamentally compatible then this whole situation wouldn't have arisen and we'd be working together far better.

So it's kind of sad - but at least I've worked it out. In practical terms I'm not sure how we move on from here - he IS trying to get somewhere, and I'm not the kind of person to kick him to the streets. We need a way of logistically working this out. I guess we'll talk that one through this afternoon as well.