Assumption of a 'Plus One'

I have not sent my invites yet but am expecting at least one person to assume they get a plus one when they dont. We are taking the same approach as you and only inviting people who to the day we know their partner. If and when it happens I will explain to them that their partner is not able to attend the ceremony and meal due to guest number restrictions. I dont think you should feel you have to invite him or feel guilty about upseting him or your friend. She is the one in the wrong, as I agree it would have been clear from what you say you put on the invite that he was not invited and I think she is trying it on.

Hi!

If it were me, I would just come up with an excuse that would hopefully not offend your friend. A very polite and apologetic message/conversation stating that it

'would cost an extra £50 to accommodate for him, which we cannot afford'

OR

'the numbers are at maximum capacity without him, and the venue are being arses about it, so we can't add any extra plus one's. Sorry, the same goes for everyone else' should hopefully do it.

If you are dead set on this guy not coming, then I suggest play it that way.

We had a similar dilemma when OH cousin asked if she can bring her boyfriend - we didn't even know until that phone call she had one!! She even had the cheek to say 'I know....is coming so can I bring.... Instead?'. She also offered to pay for him. Although we had the room for him as some guests are unable to attend, we still said no, as we've not been able to invite some friends to the day due to capacity, so we aren't going to invite someone we've never met! I know this makes me sound mean!!

As hard as it is, you just have to be honest and explain you are unable to invite him.

Wedding politics sucks doesn't it.

Just sit her down and talk to her face to face about it. Maybe it was just instinctive to put his name down? After all, I always write mine and my fiance's name in cards without a second thought. She may not even know she's done it!

Maybe she's afraid of coming alone? Will your friend know other people at the party? If so, just make a point of saying "so and so will definitely be there, so you won't be on your own!"

Tricky one but if you've been clear on the invite and save the date then she is the one in the wrong and is taking liberties. I would address it as soon as possible and just be honest, she will feel far more awkward I'm sure. I would literally say "thanks for returning your RSVP I'm glad you got the invite, I noticed you'd added your OH on, unfortunately due to restrictions on our numbers we hadn't actually been able to extend the invite to him it was just for you. "Other option is could you suggest he joins her in the evening, chances are he won't if they live far away but at least you've then given them an option if they insist on being together

Good luck with it and let us know how you get on! Remember it's your wedding - your way!

We tried to pre-empt this in our invitations by including a hand written note with all our 'single' invitations saying that 'our venue is packed to capacity with close family and friends and we regret we are not able to invite you partner/allow you bring a guest, however if you would like us to add your significant other to our reserves list we will happily do so and will offer them an invitation if we are able to nearer the date'. Obviously it's too late for you to do that with your invitations, but you could still use the same explanation, just call her and say that only her name was on the invitation for the above reason. I would tend to stay away from saying that it's for cost reasons, as that leaves the door open for them to offer to pay for themselves and you aren't really left with a way out of that one.

Hi everyone,

Thank you for all your suggestions. I got in contact with her and hopefully covered all bases. I tried ringing her at first but with no success so I ended up emailing instead.

I said something along the lines of... "I'm so glad you can make it but I noticed you included ... in your reply. I'm really sorry but unfortunately we're not going to be able to include him in our numbers for the guestlist.

I then went on to explain that if the situation were different then I would love to invite him as well but as it stands, myself and my fiance are stretched to maximum capacity in order to make sure all of our family members and close friends are included, so we aren't in a situation to include any extras.

I said I understood if she didn't think she would be able to come without him, and then just reiterated my first point of how I would love to be able to invite him but our hands are tied. :/

I've seen that she's read the email though but I still haven't had a reply and it's been a good 24hours, and she's been active on Facebook too so I know she must have read it.

I don't want to sound like a psycho person but this is really starting to drive me a bit nuts now. I'm thinking if I try and get in touch with her again in a day or so, and then if I don't get a response, I shall leave it till a couple of weeks before our RSVP's are due in and press her for an answer.

Do you think this is the right thing to do?

I made sure I didn't mention anything to do with money either because, to me, that's not the point at all. She is a good friend whom I have known for years but I would only discuss the financial situation of our wedding with a very select few, possibly only siblings and my MOH. Hopefully she won't retort with something to do money because I fear it may then get ugly.

Fingers crossed. I'll let you all know when I get a repsonse.

Give her a break! Does she know anyone else at the wedding (I hope so, otherwise excluding her partner is a bad decision)? Maybe she's emailing around, finding people to share rooms with etc?

Totally! Having the chat will be tricky but as your numbers are limited then there is not much you can do. Unfortunately we cannot invite everyone and it is likely other people may do the same thing.

I have had to have a few of these conversations myself. Personally l am sick of people assuming they have a plus one when they don't. Does no one understand that the invite specifies who is invited and people shouldn't be assuming who is?

I agree. Three hours one-way is a long way to travel on your own (particularly if there's a chance she'll be driving and have to go both ways in one day). She may be looking into whether she'll have to drive or can get public transport, whether any other mutual friends would be willing to share a hotel room etc. Alternatively, given the distance and the fact that she's been with her partner so long, she may be weighing up whether she wants to attend your wedding without him or not, especially if she doesn't know anyone else there. Either way, it's better that she has space to think and gives you a considered answer than if she emails you straight away with a snap decision that either or both of you regret afterwards.

Agree with these two.

Just calm down, stop panicking about this girl, and leave her alone for a bit. She's received your message, so you shouldn't be pushing her to reply before the deadline. Just leave it until the ACTUAL deadline for the RSVPs, and then ask her for a decision if you haven't heard from her. She probably is mulling it over and thinking about transport, hotels and who she'll talk to at the wedding. Give her a break!

We have had 3 people ask for plus ones late in the day, about a month before the wedding. They all did it very politely, asking if we happened to have space, and we said we'd put them on the reserve list in case we had any spaces come up. We've now offered 2 of the 3 the plus ones that they wanted as people did drop out. Do the same, and make this girl your top priority on that reserve list.

BTW, I hope she does know other people at the wedding. Else I'd have to agree that you can't expect a person to do a 6 hr round trip alone, unless they'll be hooking up with old friends for the day. If she doesn't know anyone other than you, you need to fit her OH in, else that's just ermmm, well, not on really.

My first thoughts were 3 hours is a long time to travel on your own & does she know anyone.