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Sara
Curious August 2022 Surrey

Awkward Bridesmaid situation

Sara, 28 of February of 2022 at 21:49 Posted on Etiquette and Advice 0 5
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Hello, I am really having a horrible dilemma. It's keeping me awake at night! Smiley sad


My best friend got quite poorly about 5 years ago, and hasn't been the same since. She loves me and I her, but I have taken the role of being a bit of a carer (from afar) since then. I worry about her a lot, but she doesn't have the capacity to be there for me. She tries, but she has too much of her own going on. She is on a lot of medication which I think affects her too. She hasn't been to my new house, I have lived in for two years. And she has only met my OH 3/4 times in the 4 years we've been together.
I love her so much, I want her to feel special and know how much she means to me, but I know that if I ask her to be a bridesmaid, she won't be able to contribute much in terms of planning, tasks etc. It might actually make me sad to see, and I might feel that I have to look after her. My OH is worried that I'll spend the day and the hen party worrying about her. I'm doing it now!
Has anyone out there experienced anything like this? What can I do? Before you say, 'ask her to do a reading' etc. I have thought about this but her illness wouldn't make it practical. She is very quiet / shut down in social situations, so I can't ask her to speak in front of that many people. Thanks so much for any advice you can offer xx

5 replies

Latest activity by Bev, 1 of March of 2022 at 20:56
  • Louise
    Rockstar March 2022 Devon
    Louise ·
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    Hello, I'm sorry you're having this dilemma, but have you considered that it may not be an issue at all? She will probably be over the moon at you asking her and may have similar concerns herself and want nothing more than to let you have your day. Do the other bridesmaids know her already? Surely they can step in and help at the hen/wedding? Of course that would require you to be confident in them and actually letting your brain step back and say "it's ok". As for tasks, I've hardly asked for anything from my bridesmaids, only my sister (moh) and not even that much really so she doesn't have to have certainly physical tasks. Opinions maybe that you can message to her? I don't have personal experience with this so sorry if this isn't helpful. Usual answer in this sort of situation from afar as well is to talk to her. Good luck
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  • A
    Expert July 2023 Cornwall
    Anonbride ·
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    I think if you'd be happy having her as a bridesmaid on the day - no more than wearing the dress and walking down the aisle, then ask her, but allocate someone else the role of MOH and let them know the situation with your friend so that they don't ask as much of her as they do of the other bridesmaids.

    Also let your friend know that because it's your wedding, you won't be able to look after her in the way you usually do, so if she doesn't feel strong enough to be a bridesmaid without support then you fully understand if she'd rather just come as a guest?

    I think this way she knows she's special to you, but you're telling her upfront that you can't be her carer at your own wedding or hen, and that if she feels she needs this then you're very happy for her to just attend as a guest.

    Alternatively, I've heard of having a "Guest of Honour" - I must admit I'm a bit confused as to what they actually do, but it could be that you give her this title, including her name in the programme list of wedding party members, seat her at the top table, all of which shows how special she is to you, but don't actually ask her to do anything? Then have others as your bridesmaids who you feel are more able to support you?

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  • R
    VIP July 2020 Monmouthshire
    RomanticGreenStationery27135 ·
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    She doesn't have to do anything other than walk down the aisle with the other bridesmaids - I'm sure there will be lots of other people who are happy to help with planning & organising. If she's unsure about doing this (maybe worried she won't be well enough on the day), then maybe you can include her in bridesmaidy type things without having to have the official role - include her in a bit of the planning as she feels able.

    Just make it clear to her that you would love her to be at your wedding and also for her to be in the role of bridesmaid if she feels able.

    If she doesn't, another alternative to make her feel special might be to ask her to be one of the witnesses.

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  • Jane
    Dedicated June 2022 Bristol
    Jane ·
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    One of my bridesmaids lives abroad and will be 7 months pregnant on the day… other than asking her opinion on a few things via WhatsApp, I’m not asking her do anything and, whilst disappointed, I’m ok that she’s not coming on the hen do. Neither of my adult BMs are wearing matching dresses (even before one got pregnant, they were just too different shapes to make matching work!) nor are they walking down the aisle - but they are there to support me in their own ways. BMs can be whatever you want them to be - I think she’d be flattered to be included, even if in reality it’s a name thing only. For me, it’s the people I want around on the day, not what they can do in terms of prep/hen do etc. good luck x
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  • B
    Beginner March 2022 West London
    Bev ·
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    It doesn’t sound too awkward. She can easily be a bridesmaid without helping organise the wedding. This is relatively common. Maybe assign another bridesmaid or reliable guest to offer a bit of extra support to her to free you up in that respect.
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