Being given away

I don't know if there is an ettiquet (sp) on how church weddings are done, but surely it's up to you how you enter the church? How much say can a priest really have?

Just say next time you see him that you've thought it through and you're certain that you don't want your dad to give you away. Also you'd be much happier if your BM walked behind you. I'd ask him if he'd reconsider letting you walk in with Mr Sapphire too and see what he says.

My dad is walking me down the aisle but we're not doing the 'who gives this woman...' bit as I didn't feel comfortable with it. Our vicar was very easy going about it all when I said that, in fact she suggested missing it out as my dad and step-dad have both brought me up.

I wasn't given away. I walked into church with my son and he escorted me down the aisle to my OH then sat down with family. The line about "who gives this woman.." etc is just omitted. it is not a legal requirement and I have no idea why your Priest is making such an issue of it.

OH and I also considered walking in together but he waned that "turn round and be surprised" moment.

Just stand your ground, with RC the ceremony itself is very routed in tradition but its my experience that priests tend to be quite lenient, a lot more so than Anglican vicars - I dont think he can insist who walks down the aisle with you but if he's a stickler to the marriage ceremony you will have to put up with it being said in the vows - I know, silly isnt it? I dont know for sure so hopefully someone else can help here? I've seen lots of ceremonies where the Bride walked down the aisle alone but these were all civil ceremonies, how about both your parents walk you dowon the aisle but then sit down and you dont have the 'giving away' part? This would be ideal but again not sure what he would say about that!

Thanks, I will try again next month. He seemed quite adamant though that I have to be given away so they can do that silly passing-the-brides-hand-around thing.

Nice idea but the aisle is tiny and my dress is big. Will be a squeeze just fitting two of us in there!

I'd say just agree with him for now and then on the day just have your BM walk behind you or walk with OH. Whats he gonna do? Stop the wedding or make you start again?!

I agree with you... I don't like the idea of being given away. I am not even getting married in church and people have looked at me like I am some sort of freak because I didn't want this! For me it is partly because I think I think it is a tad sexist but mainly cos I think it would be silly... I have lived away from home for 11 years. Dad will be walking me in but not giving me away.

ANYWAY in your case, I am sure if you are persistant the priest will let you change. My friend got married in RC church and her priest was funny about her wanting the BMs walking in first, then was weird when she said that she wanted her dad to walk on the other side of her (not sure which side it should be, but he wanted the opposite)... he did back down though (and was very nice about it).

How about you walk in in your own and your Dad steps forward for the passing over of your hand? I had a church service for my first marriage and it has a meaning (something like, your family giving you to God, then God giving you to your Hubby) I thought it was a lovely sentiment. My Mum gave me away.

I would have thought it was missing out that part of the ceremony that bothers the priest more than who actually walks you down the aisle.

Its not just the walking me down the aisle but the passing over of my hand that bothers me. There is no way I am doing either (and both my parents are against the whole practice too so I can't imagine my dad wanting to do this) because I am very strongly against it.

I was even thinking earlier that if he doesn't agree to doing things the way me and OH want it then we could get married at the reception venue and have a blessing afterwards but it would cost so much and be a nightmare to organise. I like the idea above of just telling my BM to walk behind me on the day but then there is still the problem of when we are at the alter and he says 'who gives this woman..?' and no one answers!

You could say, "I DO!"

I was given away, wasn't particularly happy about it but it obviously meant a lot to my dad, and we felt we wanted to let him have that part, especially since Mr J didn't ask his permission to marry me. He was supposed to say "Her mother and I do" but on the day he just blurted out "I do" and that was that! If your dad doesn't want to do it though I think the priest is just being particularly stubborn, sorry.

To which you respond "I do"

You got there before me! - Great Minds! hehe!

I was going to suggest this too but as a last option. My mum and dad are both giving me away and the vicar was ok about it. What she wasn't happy about was the idea of my BM going in before me as it's American not British. I just repeated a few times that it was what I wanted and she relented. At the end of the day we are paying the church for their services and something like that makes no difference to the religeous aspect or the legal aspect of the service. I am not being 'given away' either, but the vicar will be asking both sets of parents to support our marriage as I object to me being given away but not OH!! Just be firm but polite in what you want and I am sure he will back down. I found a website 'your church wedding' really helpful with what is allowed and what is just indivdual churches/officiants decissions. Is there something similar for Catholics (assuming that's what you are) which you can get the clear guidence from as this will help you support your argument.

Actually there is no "I DO" at that moment - it's just crept in and now people think it is part of the service! Your dad (or whoever) is supposed to hand you over silently!!

Aha. Interesting to know. So I can just stare coldly back at him at this point until he backs down and continues with the ceremony ?

Or stick your tongue out at him? ?

Haha. I like it.

Ca I ask if this is C of E or Catholic? C of E are usually pretty accommodating, but I can understand Catholic priests wanting to be a bit stricter.

Stand your ground girl - ask to see where it written in church law that you have to be escorted and given away (it's not there I can assure you).

(for the record me and OH are arriving together (civil ceremony) - in fact in the same car having had my OH help me into my outfit!)

I'm Catholic. Although I just read on a Catholic wedding planning forum that the giving away of the bride is a Protestant invention and isn't traditional of Catholicism at all! Apparently its because Catholic's belief has always been that a man and woman should come to marriage of their own free and for either of them to be given away implies that their families had an input in the decision to marry, iyswim.

Judeclark - I think the way you and your OH are doing things is really nice.

I'm my own person, not anyone's property so my dad will be escorting me down the aisle, but I'll be giving myself away freely

Hi there,

That sounds incredibly annoying. I'm afraid I can't shed any light on the situation in a Catholic church, but we are getting married in a Methodist church. For various reasons I don't want to be given away, but my dad and step dad will both be at the ceremony, I broached the subject with some trepidation as I was worried he'd be very traditional on the subject. However, he said he had no problem at all, and it was for us to decide. He also gave some pretty nice advice when I said I was having some problems with my dad not being happy at not giving me away - he said that from the very beginning we needed to be clear that "this is our ship and we're sailing it" and be firm about what we want. Unfortunately it appears that you might have to apply that to your priest. If it's really preying on your mind I'd maybe contact him to see if you can have a chat before the beginning of August. It seems you've already done a bit of research into whether this giving away business is an obligatory Catholic thing, which doesnt seem to be the case, and then politely explain that while it might not make much sense to him, it's an issue that really matters to you, and from what you've been able to find out it's not obligatory so you'd really appreciate him giving you a bit of flexibility. Maybe make a couple of bullet points of things you'd like to say to have a quick look at before you go in so you dont get all tongue tied and forget to say half the things you want to! If it gets to that point I dont think there's anything wrong with telling him it's a real deal breaker on whether or not to get married there. If it's' not a legal/religious requirement then I dont see any reason for him to push the issue, and as for him thinking you're some crazy feminist, well I don't see what's so wrong with that regardless lol. If all else fails I'd suggest trying to find a more accommodating church/priest, but I can understand you not wanting to do that so best of luck!!

I find it interesting how our registrar has the 'giving away of the bride' as a standard part of his marriage ceremony, complete with "Who gives this woman..." ... despite the fact it's clearly straight from a church service... and yet wouldn't let us use the phrases "for richer for poorer" or "in sickness and in health". It's so inconsistent with what is and what is not "too religious"!!