Bitchy bridesmaid

Her communication style is abruptly and rude, but to be fair, it doesn't seem like there has been good communication her either. You bought and planned stuff without telling her, and put her foot in it e.g. the pajamas.

Have a chat with her and tell her that how she says stuff has upset you, and if you guys can agree a way forward.

Sorry, I should have said that all BM have been involved throughout i.e. They were all shown pics before I bought to make sure they liked it and l I bought four different dresses before we got the right one for them x

I'm confused.

You said, "...and I haven't asked her to help out as I know she is quite busy."

Also, "...she asked me what they were wearing on the morning of the wedding." This indicates you haven't discussed this with her and therefore didn't involve her.

Also, "...she then made reference to my sister having mentioned all the girls meeting the morning after the wedding to plan the day ahead - which the girls said I had already done."

I am assuming you mean she was involved in picking out the bridesmaids dresses (from a choice of four), and you haven't mentioned that she has neglected going to your house to try it on or check it out. That's great. However, my point still stands - there is an issue with communication on both sides and I suggest you discuss how she says stuff that has upset you, and if you guys can agree a way forward.

I disagree - I think she sounds VERY bitchy and rude and I would NEVER dream of speaking like that to anyone, especially someone who is kindly paying for lots of stuff for me! Unless you are over-burdening her with tons and tons of jobs, she is being very rude. However I don't have any good advice really; I'd probably just put up with it, or depending on the BM dynamics, hope that another BM says something to her. I wouldn't want friction. But wow, how rude can you get? Hope my BMs don't end up like that!

This is a really tricky situation for you and also very unfortunately common around the wedding planning process. Most people have some sort of experience of a member of the bridal party or family members getting a bit too big for their boots and forgetting whose special day it is.

I think the BM needs to have a good think, it's not her day and on her big day, she can do what she wants and choose which pj's to wear!

As with situations like this, left to fester too long and it could develop into a much bigger problem which can end in total breakdowns of friendships. At the end of the day, you picked her as a BM because you are or have been close. Its probably not worth losing a friendship over her poorly timed and inappropriate comments.

I think in this situation, I would try to address it directly but not in a confrontational manner, like explaining that you need to make cuts in some areas to be able to afford to spend more on others. She is likely to notice and pull herself together without too much heart ache. I suppose another alternative is to ask one of the other BM's or a family member to address it?

I hope that things resolve themselves and you continue to plan your wedding without this added stress!!

Tbh, I don't think either of you come across well here. Personally, I wouldn't dream of telling my BMs what they have to wear before they put their dresses on! They can wear pjs, dressing gowns, onesies - whatever as long as they're comfortable. As long as they wear their BM dresses for the ceremony, it really doesn't matter if they're not matchy matchy while we're getting ready. Similarly, I don't think it's out of order for her to think her job is done after the wedding day. Traditionally, BMs only have a role in the wedding, not the reception or any after-parties.

However, if you've made it clear to her directly from the start that you would want them to look exactly like you want ALL day and that there would be more to do after the day of the wedding, and she wasn't happt with that, then she shouldn't have accepted the role.

She sounds like she has been kept in the dark a little bit compared to your other BM's - so she might be lashing out because she feels like she's been left out. She does sound like she's been a little bit rude in the way she has phrased stuff.

But, who has an after party after their wedding day? Never heard that one before.

I would be a bit put out if I was a BM and was expected to plan a day for the bride after her wedding.

I've heard of a few people having a bbq etc the day after especially when people have to travel a long way for the wedding. If she prefers to go home then I'm sure you have other people to help you like your sister.

I think have a proper chat to her. I agree it's a communication problem. Once you have a chat you know whether she is feeling left out and what she does or doesn't feel her role is. As stated by a previous poster you can then judge whether she just put her foot in it over the pyjamas or whether she needs to be reminded it's your wedding not hers!

Yes I think she has been a bit rude but equally I think by expecting them to have a meeting about the next day and help you get ready for the after party, you're taking the p. Their job is done. And who cares what they wear the morning of the wedding? You need to talk to her.

We had a bbq the next day but it was a very low key, just turn up affair. Your bridesmaids may actually have stuff to do or want to get home.

Sorry but 'getting ready for the after party'?? I assume this is the next day? Why can't you get yourself ready? I think you are taking the bridesmaid duty a little far to be honest and it is your job to organise the next day and gather the presents. The bridesmaids duties end at the the start of the evening as far as I am aware.

I agree with the others that it sounds largely like a communication issue. It's probably just something that's easier dealt with by telephone rather than text.

I'm having an after party but I don't expect anyone else to plan it. I agree that the BMs job is done by that point.

I went to one in April and tbh it was the last thing I fancied doing after lots of champagne and dancing the night before! Felt like death!

Our after bbq was just a relaxed thing really (and my mil's idea!). Friends who lived locally came with their children and anyone travelling popped in for food on their way home. It was nice. But there was certainly no expectation on anyone that they had to do anything or help. That's just cheeky.

Nope, not common in England either. I know a couple of friends who've had a dinner a couple of nights before (kind of like a rehearsal dinner in America). I also know some people who had their wedding at a hotel and invited guests to join them in the spa on the following day to cure their hangovers, but I don't know anyone who's had a party. I assumed that the OP was getting married abroad and referring to a separate reception at home.

We weren't intending doing anything at all the day after the wedding. For weddings I've been to before everyone who has stayed the night at the hotel has breakfast together the next morning and then gone home (I'm Scottish btw).

However, my future brother and sister in law have offered to host a BBQ the day after our wedding for those who've travelled a long distance to the wedding and aren't going home straight away. They were keen and we appreciated the offer so we're doing it but it's very much those who fancy coming rather than a party per se.

In response to the original poster's dilemma, I would say to the bridesmaid that she's welcome to get her own silky pyjamas if she doesn't want to wear the ones you've already bought. If she doesn't want to help the day after, that's up to her - I wouldn't get too worried about it or push her on it.

However, I do think the comment about accommodation was rude. I've never had accommodation paid for or expected it. I mean, where does it end? I would suggest you just ignore that one.

I've been to a couple of weddings where everyone met for lunch the following day (just to carry the party on!) and I think it will get more popular in time. I agree with others it sounds like a communication issue - if it hadnt been mentioned/agreed previously I'm not sure you can expect all your BM's to help out the following day. so maybe just ask her but if she's not around/doesnt want to then don't force the issue.

Re the PJ's - i'm assuming you've bought matching sets for all your girls for the photo opportunities? If so maybe just explain that's why you bought less expensive bits as they wont be wearing them for long and its hardly the focus of the day! Make it light hearted and jokey.

You say this BM didnt "have to" attend any dress appointments nor have you asked her to help out - but was this through choice or her saying she didnt have time to help or attend the appointments? If its you assuming maybe she's got the hump and feels left out/jealous.

Re the hotel accommodation - that's a really rude comment but if her nose has already been put out of joint re the above then she's probably just venting. Ignore it and let it go over your head.

hope this helps!

I am not paying for my bridal party to stay over. I wish I could afford to!!! I certainly don't think its expected. Not generally in the UK anyway.

Hmmm,, i think you must change her. if you feel rude about her, everything will be mess.

trust your feeling

I would like to pay for my bridal party to stay at the venue with us but I think we are going to see about funds and affordability nearer the time. if not then I suspect we will cover some of the cost so they get it subsidised....completely get you have to draw the line somewhere but equally I want them to stay at the place with us and its not cheap!

As much as I would love for my BMs to stay in the hotel with me, they can't afford it and I can't afford to pay for it for them, so all but one of them are staying at a nearby, cheaper, hotel instead - including my sister.