Bloody Bridesmaids....Wish I'd never bothered!

OMG that's horrible. I can't believe they have been so rude...how does your H2B feel about all this now? Now you've given them the final chance?

It sounds like they'll be more of a hindrance than a help on the day! A wedding is stressful enough without having unsupportive bridesmaids.

If it were me, I'd take great pleasure in sacking them. Xx

Sounds to me like they were just in it for a free pretty dress & a chance to show off a bit on the day, not really interested in anything else that being a bridesmaid entails

I'd bin 'em (nicely!).

In my honest opinion, I would just get rid! We had serious problems with one of my BM's - in a nutshell, best friend of mine for 21 years was an absolute *** towards me and OH regarding our wedding plans and I ended up telling her to F off. Not an easy decision, but definitely the right one as it has removed the stress and my other bridesmaids are all happy and excited again!

This process is making me ruthless! Their behaviour is just completely bizarre and it comes across as if they look down on everyone. Just send them a message saying being honest saying that you get the distinct impression that they are not really interested in being BMs so you think it's best to let them attend as guests. I've been a BM twice and I have always bent over backwards for the bride - its what a BM does!

Bin them off and get rid of the stress.

Appreciate I don't know the full family dynamic, but it sounds like a bit of an overreaction on your part, sorry. They are 14, their facebook accounts will be full of their 14 year old friends gossip & stuff, and maybe they don't want their auntie to be able to see all that. It's not being rude, it's just maintaining areas of privacy.

And maybe they don't know how to chat about weddings with you? Maybe they are shy? It's awkward making conversations with grownups when you're 14, not always of course, but even teenagers who come across super confident are at a bit of a loss when making polite chat with adults. Of course the mature thing to do would be for them to try to join in more, but 14 year olds are not known for being mature. I'd be annoyed with their parents for not encouraging them to chat with you more, but that is not exactly their fault. None of the annoying things about their parents are their fault, and you shouldn't let your opinion of their mum and dad colour your actions towards the girls. When I was a teenager I just thought being a bridesmaid was walking down the aisle behind the bride. No idea that there would be other things required, and such things never were. If you take out all your feelings towards the parents, the girls have just been a bit rubbish at contacting adults they don't probably know that well. This is not unusual teenager behaviour.

EXACTLY THIS!!!! They are teenagers for goodness sake, they've no idea what being a bridesmaid entails, I thought it was just a case of turning up in said chosen dress when I was that age...well actually I thought that was the only thing to do up until not long ago!!

Yep this!... At 14 the only thing that they will be excited about is looking great and walking down the isle and being the centre of attention, that is soooo normal for girls this age, they cant see past anything else... its all about them i'm afraid and its the way i was at that age too! My sister got married when i was 16 and i was only concerned about MY dress MY shoes MY hair etc etc.

To be honest, and correct me if i'm wrong, but what is it you want them to do? My daughters 13 and a bridesmaid but i dont expect her to do anything leading up to the wedding......

I still think this! Yes adult bridesmaids can be a great help by organising the hen do etc but I didn't expect it of them. OP I'm not sure exactly what you're expecting a 14 year old to do.

I have to agree with this also, as 14 year old girls what are you expecting from them? They are 14, they cant drive so they cant go out and pick things up for you, they have school so its not like they can come round in the evening and help you do things, not to mention 14 years old girls are very self involved and are thinking more about make up and boys than they will be thinking about there uncles wedding. If you dont want them there, by all means tell them so, but be perpared for the fall out, at the ago of 28 I would be upset if my Aunt sacked me as a bridesmaid, so god knows how a 14 year old will feel.

Exactly This!!

I must admit when reading this I was definately thinking what the last few comments have said.

At 14 I think it would be difficult to expect them to have a real interest in your wedding other than wearing a pretty dress as someone else mentioned. I noticed on your ticker your wedding is over 7 months away. This is a long time to a 14 year old and they are probably thinking that it's ages away and don't appreciate it takes time to plan etc.

I also agree with the whole FB thing. They may not want auntie crowding their space. I am sure they are getting to the age where boys are paying them attention and they might not want you to see any comments etc.

I would try not to take things so personally. Also if you keep asking them for reassurance they might get fed up

this is exactly what OH said. He is really miffed about things and has actually said on a few occasions thst he would rather the brother didnt turn up!

So you're just ignoring what everybody has said about this being a 14yr old you're talking about - what bridesmaid duties do you expect from her exactly??

D

thanks or your reply..I probably should have mentioned that the other niece is 18, I wrote this at a really ungodly hour lol! I am just sick of chasing them, I give up trying to contact them via mobile so FB was my only option. To then discover this in my opinion is a clear message thaf they dont want to do it. i have tried and tried, probably tried too much. I have just come to the conclusion that they just think its a free dress to stand about in all day. The parents do not encourage them with it at all, OH has broached thevsubject a few times as have I and it just gets brushed under the carpet.. Its not like we're strangers either! We were all close! I just dont know what has happened. I definitely think its a bit of sh1t stirring plus There have been other incidents thst have happened which I didnt mention in my opening post because they are just disgusting. OH has pretty much give up. With 7 months to the wedding I feel its time to do something about it. its making me completely unhappy

Is that not really all being a bridesmaid entails? You've still not explained what you see their role as on the day.

Even at 18 i'd be thinking that all i'd have to do is turn up and wear a pretty dress. Until you've been an adult bridesmaid you dont realise what else there is to do and even then most duties are down to just the closest bridesmaid. You stay other stuff has happened which is too disgusting to mention so we obviously cant judge this properly but on the information you've given you're seriously over-reacting and seem to just want there to be a problem!

Hi - I just had a quick read of this thread, and although I can see it's obviously frustrating you a lot I tend to agree with the others - they are 14 and 18 and probably have no idea as to the extent people go to to pull a wedding together. I have to admit, I was a bridesmaid when I was 16 and I genuinely never had to do anything other than be around for a dress fitting, and then stay at my aunties the night before so I could have my hair and make up done. I'm not sure if anything more was expected of me, I was certainly never asked and I never offered!

Obviously now I'm older and planning my own wedding I realise how much actually goes into it; but I wouldn't expect my BM's to take on any of that burden. The only thing they are sorting is the Hen do.

I think if you are looking for more support from your BMs then perhaps you should find another one - a friend perhaps who can take on responsibility of getting the other BMs together as and when needed? It would seem a shame to have wasted £300 on dresses/shoes you wont use. x

Have to say I'm a bit lost now..... I really dont understand what you want them to do? If it was your best friend who was your bridesmaid then i can understand that you would want her to help you with stuff like wedding dress shopping etc but apart from that what do you want from them?

To everyone who has asked what I expect from her: I expect to at least have a reply to 1 text message or to have a phone call answered. Is that really such a big ask?

I didn't realise that I needed to explain what I see their roles as being on the day? I just think that it's appalling to be ignored. All I have been trying to do is get in touch with them to have a catch up. Like I explained in an earlier post, I wrote this at a stupid hour so emotions were running very high as well as tiredness. All I wanted to do was vent a frustration (something that I have never done on here before because I've never had the need to) that has been bubbling up for some time.

an answer to a phone call wouldn't go amiss! We were close so it's never been uncommon to phone eachtother until now!

Hi thanks for your reply..I wrote this last night when emotions were running high. A lot of stuff has gone on that I never mentoned in OP, I probably should have to create a bit more background for everyone to understand. All I have been trying to do is get in touch with them and so far have been unsuccessful. When I tried o contact them in April this year, it was to go shopping for the BM dresses - this again was a failed attempt and I ended up going by myself to get the eldest girls dress. I just thought that they might have wanted a say in what dress they wore on the day - not exactly a huge ask. I have been reading through some of the advice given and I am thinking about things again.

It sounds like the bridesmaid issue is just the final straw and that there are things that you're not sharing (which you're perfectly entitled not to do if it's personal) or things you're not aware of yourself. With 7 months to go you're in no rush so I would put the whole bridesmaid thing on the back burner and try to sort things out with your family.

From your posts you made it sound as if you expected them to be doing lots of things to help you and it wasn't clear what this was so I was just asking for clarification. If the main problem is the lack of contact then I think that's what you need to sort for it's own sake.

Is it that unreasonable to expect a call to get answered once in a while or have a reply to a text every so often? Even getting in touch with their folks has ben a bit of a dead loss. I really don't understand how you've picked up that I seem to want there to be a problem. Emotions were very high last night and I was very angry, but now I've had a bit of sleep and time to calm down, reading through some of the advice given I realise that I may have been a bit hasty. Sometimes it takes for someone to give you that knee jerk reaction to make you see things a bit clearer. I don't expect a lot from them, the thing I do expect is to keep in touch every so often.

I think you're right. Things have just been hectic and I've let it wind me up when I shouldn't have. The lack of contact thing is really irritating, especially when you're not getting a response. I'll just try and put it to the back of my mind for now I know that OH is narked with the brother over a few personal things which in itself can be hard to handle because it's clearly upsetting for him. I think that combined with seeing how OH has been made to feel just pushed me over the edge. I appreciate all the responses I've had

To be fair you've only just said that you've taken on board all the advice, your initial reaction was to reiterate why you thought you were right. The other thing that stood out in your OP was that you said your brothers wife tried to contact you to arrange a meeting and you admitted that you ignored this for up to 3wks - if you didnt just want a problem then you would have welcomed her contact. I understand though that emotions run high and we all react without thinking.

I'm not saying these things to upset you, just to help you see how it looks to an outsider with limited info on it and if you are able to take our advice and look at the situation differently as a result then great - hopefully you can resolve this. Good luck.

I didn't ignore her contact, I put off meeting her for a few weeks. Again, I should have explained why I put it off and didn't....In typical ButterflyChild stylee I flounced off and forgot details! The SIL is a bit of a nightmare when it comes to talking about people and wanting to know all about your business so that she can gossip. She can make your mood miserable in an instant :/

OK, here's my take on it.

I was an "adult" bridesmaid at age 19 for my Dad's cousin. I did nothing apart from show up on the day because that's all I thought was needed, and no family told me different. Nor, for that matter, did the bride. I was CBM and the rest were little ones. In hindsight I suppose her friends were helping her out, and at that time in our family it was the done thing to only ask cousins, nieces etc to be BMs. I didn't want my hair done by the main hairdresser so turned up with my hair already styled as I wanted it. I saw nothing wrong with this - after all, surely I just had to look pretty? I also changed out of my BM dress which I hated, for the evening reception, into a very very short slinky party dress. Again, as far as I was concerned, photos were over, my job was done, so it didn't matter. And no-one told me otherwise. Looking back, the bride had every right to be rather miffed with me, but she said nothing and everyone had a good day.

Unless you specifically say what you want these younger people to do as BMs, when asked they really will think it's just an honour role, looking pretty and accompanying you up the aisle. No woman who hasn't planned a wedding has a clue what is expected of BMs these days, trust me! So when asking, yes, I think you should have made clear what an acceptance would entail. If you want BMs who go dress shopping, organise hen nights, give you ideas, help decorate venue, run errands etc etc, then really you need to be asking an independent adult, with her own time and transport. If you want to do the "ask family as a nice touch" (which was how I was asked) then I think it has to be accepted that they may just want to turn up in a pretty dress.

Out of interest, what else do you want them to do? I know you've said you want them to reply to texts etc, but about what? I'm not sure I would have replied to texts from a second cousin I didn't know very well (not that texts existed in those days!) and only saw at weddings, funerals etc. And certainly as a teenage student I wasn't really interested in weddings. Other than dress shopping, what do you need from them?

I'm with gracey on this one. It sounds like you've tried really hard and could not have done more. If it is causing you stress, it does not seem worth the hassle. Balance that up against any problems caused by sacking them off as BM and decide what is worse. It is horrid being ignored and I would not tolerate it. My best friend is having her 14 year old counsin as BM and she could not be more excited and interested. Why have anyone in your bridal party who isn't interested (who is over the age of about 12!)

They're teenagers! Theres no way they will be thinking about their uncles wedding in 7 months time i'm afraid & as for the texts - I hardly replied to my mum when I was a teenager let alone my uncles fiance! Hope you get it sorted out whatever you decide to do. ?

My daughter is 14 and although I don't expect her to do much as my bridesmaid she still manages to be enthusiastic leafing thru wedding mags / looking at dress pictures /discussing bits n pieces etc and still being excited about it. She doesn't know much about weddings but can still give her opinions on things and hold a general conversation.

I'd be inclined to phone their mother and ask if they do still want to be bridesmaids and if they're happy with their dresses etc and if this goes nowhere I'd ditch them.some enthusiasm and politeness is possible from a much younger child!

I'm not going to give any advice on the actual bridesmaids as I think you've had a fair amount of that on both sides.

What I will say is that I would NEVER sack bridesmaids that are family members (well, I'd never sack any but you get my drift). This could cause untold future problems all for the sake of a couple of dresses.

However unhappy you are with the way they've acted, I would just swallow it, stick them in their dresses and not do anything to cause future fallouts by not having them as bridesmaids.