bridemaid problems - help

Leelee,

I'd speak to your friend. It sounds like there is a lot going on there, and just be honest and open, but very calm about it

Hope it sorts itself out

Dam x

In some ways I think you might be being a bit unreasonable and in others I agree with you.

She's got a lot going on and you must remember that not everyone sees your wedding as being as important as you see it. You know she's coming so she doesn't realy HAVE to text to say she's got the invite does she, most of my mates didn't event RSVP until chased let alone text and say they had got them.

As for hen planning ask your sister to take control and get it sorted, if it was me and I was this bridesmaid friend it would probably be a lot to organise on top of mum's illness and potential split with bloke.

I think you need to arange to meet up, have a chat about how excited you are about the wedding, is she looking forward to it etc and then carefully say that you're a bit worried she's not invloved very much and does she still want to be bridesmaid. If you go in all guns blazing like your original post it definitley will flare upbut be diplomatic and talk about it.

Don't whatever you do just say you don't want her as a bridesmaid, just discuss how you feel.

HTH x

Hi Lee Lee,

I kind know how ur feeling H2B mum died of cancer in Dec and she fought it for two years - in the last 6 months of her life H2B was so horrid to me, not interested in anythin to do with at all and very snappy- Why? simply becuase he was so hurt about what was happening and I was the easiest one to take it all out on.

I think you should sit your friend down and tell her you'll support her through all of this, make her feel that you'll be there! I think you need to put her first right now- I know that wont be easy cos you have soo much going on but if she is your best friend then she is worth it x

I had a bridesmaid just like that - two in fact!

Cut your losses, unless you need her follow your heart. If your best friend cannot be excited about your wedding then she's not really a friend. I have unfortunately lost my two best friends through them being selfish bridesmaids so there you have it...

One of mine insulted everything about my wedding and the other just didn't turn up on the day because she felt fat!! You may have read about them through my posts here.

My advice would be to talk to her, give her the opportunity to bow out gracefully, if nothing changes then talk to her again and politely ask her to come and a guest and not worry about being a bridesmaid. It's not worth the stress, believe me!!!

Claire xx

This is hugely insensitive, the bridesmaid's mum has cancer and she's coming out of a 7 year relationship, why should the OP's wedding be top of her list of priorities?!

Yes I think the OP should speak to the bridesmaid but she needs to offer the bridesmaid support, not sack her as a bridesmaid!

I do apologise if anybody thought I was being insensitive, she just reminded me of one of my bridesmaids. Had no interest in mine but preceeded to tell me every little detail of somebody else's wedding!! I do feel for the girl, finding out your mum has cancer and splitting up with a long term partner must be incredibly difficult and she has my sympathy but she seems excited enough about this other wedding - so why not her best friends to which she's a bridesmaid? With my bridesmaid I thought there was a different reason why she didn't want to be a brdiesmaid so I spoke to her and gave her the opportunity to tell me and to give her the option to suggest not being a bridesmaid... she said everything was fine yet she never turned up! We had to have a plan A and a plan B for about 6 months, basically two weddings.

Claire x

It's a tricky one but the only way to resolve it is to speak to her. I know that the wedding is hugely important to you but a Mum suffering from cancer is a million times more important. At the end of the day if your sister has everything in hand then let her get on with it. I would speak to your friend and if she still wants to be bridesmaid then just accept that she'll be like a 'silent' bridesmaid. You need to support her more than she needs to support you by the sounds of it. Best of luck! x

At first when you described your friend's situation with her Mum & partner, I thought you were being insensitive as obviously your wedding and her BM role wouldn't be top of mind. But when you explained she was heavily involved in another friend's wedding, it got interesting!

She either doesn't want to be BM or possibly even your friend anymore and doesn't know how to tell you or you (and your sister) have caught her on bad days. When someone close is terminally ill, perspective obviously does change and of course people are more emotional and have good/bad days. I culled a friend after my Dad died (also of cancer) because she never asked me about him, despite knowing he was terminally ill, so perhaps she feels in some part the same way.

Meet her face to face for a coffee or drink, ask her how's she doing, let her talk, then ask her about how she feels about your wedding.

I have to say I read all the replies to this post and just about agreed and disagreed with something in every one! In my opinion if you are or have been in the past good enough friends, you should sit her down and say words to the effect that "I know you have a lot of stuff going on and I don't want to add to that unneccesarily - would you find it easier to just be a guest at our wedding? That way you can just enjoy our day, without having to worry about me needing attention."

I think this way, you give her the option to make the choice, without giving the impression you want her out, whilst also getting across the point that if she is involved, you will be expecting some attention. In my experience when 2 girls have been close for anumber of years, even if that has dwindled lately, you still have the empathy with each other to know how each other feels. Maybe she feels like she can be more open with you about how hard things are lately, but doesn't know the other friend well enough to drop slight hints about wanting to bow out?

I also think you might be surprised when looking for a replacement - maybe another close friend or relative who has been sharing your excitement would be happy to step in at short notice.

Let us know how it turns out - I get married in September too!