Bridesmaid Drama

It's a tough one, it sounds as though BM1 is just really excited for your hen, which is lovely!

Why don't you sit down with her and say something like 'before everything gets planned, I know it's all to be a surprise, but can I just give you some ideas of things I would love, and things I wouldn't?'

Then you can say things like you want it low key, you don't want people to have to pay more than a set amount - give her a budget to work too. If she says anything about making it bigger like hers, you can just say that you planned hers that way because you know that's what she likes, but you are different people.

Regarding BM2, yes BM1 could have been a bit more tactful, but to be fair, I think she has a point. She agreed to be a bridesmaid, and with that comes certain responsibilities. I was bridesmaid for a friend this year, and when we first started planning her hen, I was in a a highly stressed job, working more than 70 hours a week. But I still found time to participate in hen planning. I also got engaged, started my own wedding planning, and moved house whilst doing her hen planning. Doing these things was my choice, so it wouldn't have been fair of me to shirk my hen planning duties because of it.

If BM2 has a problem with the way BM1 spoke to her, then to be honest, it's up to her to sort it out, they're both adults. BM1 may not even be aware that she caused any upset.

What about your other two bridesmaids, can't they help?

I think the most important thing is for you to get across what you want for your hen. Either sit her down like I suggested above, or get all your BM's together and describe the type of thing you would like - that way you have the other 3 as witnesses, and they should be able to rein in BM1. I wouldn't be too upset though, it sounds like she just wants you to have a good time.

Hope this helps! X

Thank you, my mum has joined the chat so I think she'll help mediate there. I've planned a girls night with the 3 adult bridesmaids for the new year, nothing fancy just pizza and a movie at my house, I think it'll help to get them all in the same room.

Bridesmaid 3 has said about keeping the cost down, I spoke to her to see if she felt it was getting a bit tense but she's not been as involved in the planning because she doesn't live in London, and signal can be a bit patchy, when she's not at home. She tries to keep up with the chat, but she doesn't have her phone on her while she's at work, where as the other 2 have their phones on them all day and BM1 will message throughout the day.

BM2 said when I asked her to be a BM that she'd love to but that she won't be able to do as much as she'd like because of the kids, and I completely get that, I know kids are unpredictable, and I would never expect her to be put me wedding or hen above her kids. She was upfront and said in the hen chat that she'd do the best she can but can't make promises.

My other bridesmaid is 13, so isn't involved in the planning.

I get why BM1 could be frustrated that she feels like she's doing all the planning, but when she got married her MoH did nothing. I ended up planning a hen with one of the other BM's or there wouldn't have been one, and I didn't want all the pressure on one person so didn't pick a MoH, but now I'm wondering if I should have?

I did not expect this to be what stressed me out when planning a wedding lol

Ahh, that's good that your mum is there, maybe she can help with the ideas as well?!

I have a similar situation with my BMs. Luckily they all get on very well, but two have babies (1x 1yo, and 1x 6month old), the one with the older baby is also back at work full time as a teacher, and the other is going back to her teaching job in the new year, part time, but may as well be full time! I have another in America, and one who isn't great at messaging - she works for the NHS so long hours, and isn't on any social media, so can't do group chats! I have 2 that work regular full time hours, and one has recently got married herself. I ended up saying to the other one that it's probably going to be her doing the most for the hen do (they're adamant it's to be a surprise, so I can't help!), but she was ok with that, and luckily she's a good project manager so she is good at delegating bits to people who she knows will be able to do it.

Just have a chat with her, say something you're sorry a lot of it is falling on her, but that you appreciate it loads. You could bump her up to MOH, especially if she's already doing loads, but if you really don't want a MOH (I get it, I'm not having one either!), maybe she could do a reading or a speech at the wedding, or have her walk in as the first of your bridesmaids? Or maybe be one of your witnesses? Just little things so that she knows you appreciate how much she's doing.

It sounds like BM3 would be a good one to have stuff delegated to. So maybe you could ask her to say on the chat something like she is happy to book whatever, or maybe her and BM1 can get together for an evening to book stuff up.

Try not to get too stressed about it, they all love you and just want you to have a good time, try and gget your input through about what you would like your hen to involve, but sometimes you just need to take a step back and let them crack on - as I said before, they are all grown ups, sometimes you just need to let them fix themselves X

This might seem a little unorthodox, but have you thought about maybe planning & perhaps booking it when you are all together, perhaps on that girls' night you mentioned? It wouldn't be a surprise for you but at least it would mean that everyone could talk to each other and discuss what everyone wanted and could afford. It might bring a bit of fun to the girls' night too, as you'll be able to get excited about the do

While I acknowledge that it’s tradition that the bridesmaids arrange the hen do it puts an awful lot of pressure on them. I wholly believe that the bride should organise her own hen do. It’s her choice to get married after all. That way you’re in control and you know what’s been organised and can keep costs down for others and have exactly what you want. We don’t expect other people to organise our wedding so why would we expect others to organise our hen do. Tell them that you don’t want to put any pressure on any of them and organise it yourself.

I originally didn't want them organising it, I'm a bit of a control freak, and I don't like surprises, even the proposal wasn't a surprise, my and h2b talked about getting married for a couple of years, researched costs etc, then decided to buy a house first, and once we completed we booked the wedding and ordered the engagement ring.

I had said to my bridesmaids that I didn't want them organising it all without any input but they said no to me being fully involved in the planning or planning it myself. They asked for a few ideas, and said they'd pick from that, but BM1 has decided that I need something more special and has gone down the rabbit hole of hen planning.

I think I'll have to sit them all down and be a bit more insistent on what I do and don't want. All other aspects of the wedding I'm calm about, except maybe the budget, so many little extra costs we hadn't expected or considered.

I know my bridesmaids haven't booked anything, so I should be able to address it before they get too far with the planning.