Bridesmaid is a single mum - who's being selfish

I'm sorry but yes, I think you are being selfish.

I know it may have an effect on your plans, but it seems to me she has done her best to accommodate them. It isn't her fault that she has been let down by her sitter, and I'm sure she is as frustrated by this as you are.

I was a single mum for many years and lucky enough to have a wonderful family who would always step in to help when needed, but I could see for myself how difficult life could be without them around. I would not have been happy to leave my children with anyone other than family and it sounds as if she doesn't have that kind of support.

Give her a break - she hasn't deliberately set out to ruin your wedding and you asked her to be a bridesmaid knowing her situation. Can her daughter not sit with yours? Is it really essential that she is at the meal? And how does it cost more if she isn't there? I don't understand that one I'm afraid.

You don't have to rearrange the table plan, just leave it as it is and let her know how much she will be missed and that you will save her place in the hopes that she can make other arrangements.

Be her friend - she needs your support as much as you need hers.

I agree with beckijane. I think you've perhaps lost sight of things and have blown it out of proportion & are sounding a bit selfish.

She had originally planned to get someone to baby-sit, it's not her fault that they've cancelled. For all you know she's tried getting a replacement but can't, you can't expect all children to be the same and all not care about being left with a stranger... What do you expect her to do?

I also have to say that the way you said her little girl was a princess seemed a bit of a dig. And realistically how much help will you actually need from your BM? I had two BMs and have to say that I didn't need any help other than to do up my dress which took 30 seconds.

Perhaps you need to cool down a bit and see it from her side of view?

I think she means she can not come to the meal without her so would have to pay for an extra seat.

As for the ceremony I mean her daughter will have no-one to sit by while the bridal party are walking down the isle. And her daughter will not sit quietly.

Princess was not a dig. All girls are princesses.

Speaking as a mother, yes you are being selfish.

What is more important? Your friend coming along or the flipping table plan? Support her, say it is OK. The way you are talking about her offspring is pretty disrespectfull. What can't she walk down the aisle next to her mummy so she can stay with her? Why can't her daughter and your daughter play together while you two are getting ready?

She tried to accommodate your wishes, but sh!t happens. Her little girl is not going to ruin your wedding day.

I agree with the others, i think you're being a bit selfish.

I'm not a single parent, but i am A parent and i know how hard it can be to get a sitter if me and OH both get invited somewhere. Luckily we have family that can sometimes chip in, but it doesn't sound like your friend does and she probably feels awful that shes had to say this to you (i know i would).

If anything i think you should be reassuring her that it will be okay, and you guys will try work something out.

I know its not tradition, but after your BM walks down could she not then sit with her daughter instead of staying right at the front? I'm guessing the daughter will be staying all day and will only be away from her mum for a few minutes.

Could you not arrange a few 'play dates' with her daughter and yours for them to get to know each other before the day so that she won't feel as uncomfortable?

I was a single parent for a few years, and even now when my partner is with us at the weekends, any childcare involves a 40m trip to my mums and a night with her. I have my ex's family who would help in an emergency, but since my MIL started chemo for stomach cancer I can't ask her, and my SIL has 5 kids of her own. It's incredibly difficult finding someone to look after the children without a good support network, and it sounds like your BM has done her best. If you've explained the no children, she wouldn't be doing this without very good reason.

I go along with the others - how important is it to have your BM there? If it's very important, you'll have to put up with having her daughter too. In the grand scheme of things it's really not going to have a huge impact on your day, but saying she can't bring the daughter and so she won't be there either may have a big impact on your friendship

I know this probably won't go down well but - I sympathise with you. I'm not having children at my wedding - we have no kids of our own and as much as I like kids generally, I'd like my wedding to be an adult event.

Now obviously you don't have quite the same reasoning since you're bringing your own daughter but, I can understand not wanting someone else's child there, especially if that child is not well-behaved and can't be relied on to sit quietly.

Is five weeks not quite a lot of time in which to find another sitter? I would not reply right now if I were you, and don't do it by text when you do because it's got the potential to be taken badly. Instead, when you're ready, give her a call and say you're really sorry but the catering and the seating have all been finalised, you can't accommodate another head. Maybe also explain that her daughter would have to sit alone through the ceremony and then be away from her mum during the meal since she'll be on the top table.

Do you have any family or friends in the area who are using a babysitter that day? It might help to be able to say 'wow that's awful that your sitter cancelled but good news! My friend Becky has a great sitter who is taking her two kids during the wedding, she could easily have yours as well for £xx.' Go in with a solution if you can, hopefully then you can both end up happy

I'm not a parent - single or otherwise - but yes you are being selfish.

The caveat to this is that she has tried other options / doesn't have a local support network.

She is clearly important to you, you asked her to be your bridesmaid. You're not actually having a child free wedding so it wouldn't be out of place for her to be there and could even be advantageous as your daughter will have someone to play with and distract her whilst you get ready.

There is a solution to the walking down the aisle bit and who does she sit with, and that is to make her a flower girl too. Ok might not be what you originally planned but really stop and think about what is most important. I promise you after your wedding stuff that seems sooooo important now will seem insignificant and if you make the wrong decision you will have to live with the consequences of that.

I will just add that the fact you came on here before replying to her text tells me that at least a part of you knows you're in danger of being selfish. Listen to that part of you.

Good luck and whatever you decide I hope you and your BM continue to have a wonderful friendship.

I think you're being a tad short-sighted. It seems that your friend has tried all of her available options ( she may well be continuing to look for another sitter) but much rather you know now when plans can be made/altered rather than letting you down on the day - which is far worse in my opinion.

Yes you only wanted children of immediate family & but it's not like your friend is refusing to come because you haven't invited her daughter- she's been let down. True friends bend for each other-perhaps in needing your friends to be there for you, you need to be there for your friend in order for this to happen.

I have to say I read your remark about her daughter being a princess as a dig too.

I'm not a single mum but I was a full time single father for many years and unfortunately yes you do sound a tad selfish.

If she is a close enough friend to you for you to have as a bridesmaid then you should know fairly easily what support network she has around her and if it is easy for her to find someone she trusts to have her daughter all day. Are her parents or ex in a position to help?

If you're stressed about the situation then stop a moment to consider how your friend must be feeling. She probably is stressing that you're upset with her for a situation she has had no control over or choice. She lined up a babysitter and has been let down now.

The fact you get to go to weddings and find a sitter doesn't mean that the same applies to your friend.

Until you become a single parent it's very difficult for someone to comprehend the sacrifices and compromises you have to make.

If I were in your shoes I'd invite her daughter without hesitation and rearrange the seating plan. Seriously if it was a friend who was so close that I asked her to be a bridesmaid (well usher in my case) and they were in this situation then I would do that without hesitation.

After all, that's what friends do right? They support and help each other.

Completely agree with this. Couldn't have put it better myself.

Ummm sorry, I think you've gone too far. She's a single mum with a daughter the same age as yours. I think you should have invited her daughter right from the start. If she means enough to you to be made a BM then surely her daughter must be a mini-friend of yours too?

Everyone has already said what you needed to hear. Im surprised though that if she is close enough to be a bridesmaid her daughter wasn't automatically invited. If my best friends had children they'd have been involved in my wedding too, no question. These girls are like my sisters

Goodness - I am really struggling to understand how you can talk like that about your best friends child! its not very nice tbh.

anyway, others have given you very good answers. I can only agree and say you're being selfish.

you're friend's little girl isn't the only princess in this scenario methinks ;-)

Omg tiink. Just about when i was starting to think i was the worst friend in the world finally some1 who sees it from my side. Her family live within walking distance of her house, they dont babysit often but they do do it. I dont know if they have been asked. And like i sed whoever babysitts will b invited to the evening. I only want my lil one as a flower girl as it is her special day as much as it is mine. I just think its gonna b hard with the ceremony and photos ect.its such a small do as the cost ph is so expensive. I think im gonna have a long think tonight and speak with her tomo.

Omg tiink. Just about when i was starting to think i was the worst friend in the world finally some1 who sees it from my side. Her family live within walking distance of her house, they dont babysit often but they do do it. I dont know if they have been asked. And like i sed whoever babysitts will b invited to the evening. I only want my lil one as a flower girl as it is her special day as much as it is mine. I just think its gonna b hard with the ceremony and photos ect.its such a small do as the cost ph is so expensive. I think im gonna have a long think tonight and speak with her tomo.

Omg tiink. Just about when i was starting to think i was the worst friend in the world finally some1 who sees it from my side. Her family live within walking distance of her house, they dont babysit often but they do do it. I dont know if they have been asked. And like i sed whoever babysitts will b invited to the evening. I only want my lil one as a flower girl as it is her special day as much as it is mine. I just think its gonna b hard with the ceremony and photos ect.its such a small do as the cost ph is so expensive. I think im gonna have a long think tonight and speak with her tomo.

Tiink - who has been nasty? Or are they nasty because majority don't agree?!

Op - yes you are being selfish. It's not as though you're having no children there anyway. I'm struggling to understand why you have asked her to be your bm tbh if you aren't willing to help her out. This has the capacity to be a friendship ender if you carry on like this. Listen to the majority on here who are telling you the same thing I am. Is it not telling that most people think you are being selfish? Rather than pick out the poster that agrees with you, read them all and then think about it.

Could you maybe make her daughter a flower girl too? It sounds like she and your daughter are the same age.

I'm not sure if you have thought about this angle, but it could be that your friend wants her daughter with her as she is single and these things can be difficult when you're kn your own. Weddings are a celebration of finding someone you want to spend your life with and who loves you. She clearly doesn't have this and being at a wedding could make her feel really sad about it. By having her daughter there she at least will be part of a family unit and not on her own.

My mum was a single mum to us and I know she preferred one of us to accompany her to social events even when we were children, so she would have someone to be with when people are in couples. I know she is a bm and has a role to play but the day is long and I could understand if she wanted someone who she is close to with her.

I'm gonna come down on the unpopular side and say I understand why you don't want her kid there. Having said that, she's not done it on purpose so I wouldn't get mad at her, I'd just help her find a solution like an alternative baby sitter, offer her yours maybe etc.?

I don't think you're being selfish. She still has plenty of time to make further arrangments. I also think the sugestions of allowing the little girl to walk down the aisle with her mum are not fair either. You've made it clear children are not invited to the day, and now people are suggesting she becomes part of the bridal party? That's not on.

I defintely think give her a call and see what's really going on

xx

I don't have kids.

I don't like kids.

I've still chosen a venue that's child friendly and would never dream of telling people they can't bring their kids.

If I have a choice between seeing a loved one or not having kids at my wedding - I know which one I chose, hands down, every time.

Some of my friends have said thanks but we'll leave the kids with a babysitter so we can have fun - that's great!

Some have said thanks a lot for saying we can bring kids as we couldn't come otherwise - so i'm happy that they can now come!

My best friend and chief bridesmaid has two daughters (5 and 4) and no reliable child care so I have said that they can walk up the isle with us and stand at the front with her during the ceremony. That way they feel included and are stood with their mum so that she can keep them in line - no skin off my nose!

So yeah, sorry, but I think you are being really harsh on your 'friend' !!

I think the problem with online forums is that you can never tell what the tone of a persons comment is.

It's quite possible nothing that has been written on this thread was meant to be "nasty" at all but because we have to read comments as they are written the meaning can be misunderstood. E.g princess in different tones can either sounds endearing or critical and the same with nasty and in fact any descriptive word online.

Sweetie Princess - i can absolutely see you're side in things; you have given her notice and the reasoning is completely understandable.

However i can see her side as well, it can often be very difficult to get a babysitter even with 5 weeks notice.

The problem is that neither party knows what each other has tried to do to accommodate the other, so maybe give it time. Have a sit down with a cup of tea and calmly discuss your concerns with her. You never know she may even have found someone to sit by the time you do, and if not you may be able to work on a solution together.

But please don't let other peoples opinions upset you (everyone has their own opinions and are entitled to them but you have enough to deal with right now.)

Deep breath, it'll be alright in the end.

The reason I suggested this is because her own daughter who is the same age is a flower girl. She expressed concern who the little girl would sit with during the ceremony as her mother would be a bridesmaid and I suggested this as a solution. Give the daughter a task so she won't get bored as easily and she is less likely to act out.

But then, I am assuming that if I had a friend who was close enough to me for me to make her my bridesmaid, and we had daughters that are the same age, they would be friends, and I would feel quite close to the daughter too.

She asked a question and people gave an honest answer. If you don't like the opinions given fine, but that's the thing about a public forum.

I wasn't gonna weigh in on this as there are already so many opinions, but before it all gets out of hand, i'll chuck in what i hope, is a little balance.

if this was anyone other than a bridesmaid, i THINK you'd have more people on your side. it's rare to find people siding with a guest who can't come because of childcare issues.

if you, the OP, wants a child free wedding, you are completely within your rights, and i hope that you get your wish for your day.

however, when imposing this rule, i think every bride and groom needs to accept that there will be some people who can't attend because of it. and yes that does include bridesmaids. 5 weeks is a while and she may be able to find someone else, but you can't just assume because she has family close, that they can pick up where the baby sitter dropped out. they too have lives. you bm's mum is not going to cancel her own plans because of your wedding. that's just not how life works.

i've personally had to miss weddings before because my mother is my babysitting source and she was pre-booked on the day of the wedding. it's not my place to force her to cancel or change her plans.

you've said yourself that her daughter is uncomfortable with strangers and IF the family are busy and the arranged sitter has dropped out, this may only leave the option of strangers, and i can understand that this would be an unappealing option, both with the issue of trusting someone unknown and also the knowledge that you'd be leaving the child with someone they'd be uncomfortable with. it would play on her mind all day.

there is also the potential for increased cost to the bridesmaid. if the regular babysitter only charges x amount, something the BM can afford, a sudden switch could incur greater cost because the new sitter costs Y.

i'm not telling you that you're selfish or that you must invite the daughter; i'm simply pointing out that regardless of her title, your bridesmaid is still a guest and when requesting no children, you need to be prepared that some guests may be unable to attend..............

I can see both sides to this, but someone has to compromise.

The day is not completely child free - children of immediate family are invited, so one extra child surely won't make a huge difference

Parents of the BM are within walking distance on BM's house - doesn't say how far away from the wedding venue that is. And they may be busy on that day so can't have their granddaughter, or aren't able to bring her along to the evening do.

If finances are a concern, why not ask if the BM will contribute to the cost of arranging an extra meal for her daughter?

From a personal point of view, if I have 5 weeks or 5 months to find alternative childcare, it wouldn't make any difference as I don't have the support network of trusted friends/family to call on to help. Plus whoever stands in will have to get that child to the reception in the evening. I don't have a car so that could be an issue when trying to find someone else.

You asked for help from single mums and you got it. Of course you have ideas about how your day wants to go, we all do and everyone gets it, but sometimes things happen beyond our control and we have to find ways round them. It really boils down to how much you want your friend there as BM and how much you value you friendship with her. You are lucky in being invited to many weddings, and always find childcare, but not everyone is in that position. I've had to turn down many things because of the children.

Talk through her options with her so she at least feels you're trying to help (cos she will feel pretty rubbish having to explain she might not be able to come), and if you both can't come up with something, then there are plenty of bigger things to worry over. The focus will still be on you and your OH, and I doubt anyone will really notice an extra child in the wedding party, especially one of a friend close enough to be BM.

I really hope you find an amicable solution

Tbh I'd feel for you a bit more if you didn't have kids and no kids were invited to the wedding. As it stands you are having children there so what's the big deal if one more is invited? I understand you want your bridesmaid to get ready with you but you need to be more flexible if you want her to be there. Obviously her child is going to come first so I don't know what you expect her to do if she can't get a sitter? She can get ready seperately and meet you there it's not the end of the world or you could try and get someone in the wedding party to look after her for a few hours. Who's going to be looking after your daughter when you're getting ready?

Ey??? Did you read the title to her post?

OP asked if she was being selfish and people told her what they thought.

Nobody forced her to post on a public forum asking that question. If she didn't want to know the answer she shouldn't have asked. btw OP hasn't actually complained about people being nasty.

The good thing about this forum is that you get an honest answer if you ask a question. It's no good us all going 'there, there poor Sweetie Princess' if we don't actually believe that. Lots of people think she's being selfish. Not the answer OP wanted to hear, but tough luck isn't it. What do you want us to do. Lie? How's that going to help?

Well said halloweeny, exactly what I wanted to say - I just couldn't be bothered!?

ditto.......

Yes a wedding is your day but your BM and guests deserve your consideration too - unless they are being stupidly unreasonable which tbh it doesn't sound like this BM is. No one has the right to be selfish. It might be a poor choice of words that is then taken out of context on an internet forum, perhaps unreasonable would be a less subjective term. Either way she's your friend so you should tak to her to understand just how much of a problem it actually is and then try and work out an amicable solution that you are both content with.

I do have some sympathy with the OP not wanting to invite other children, we're doing that for our after wedding party. Immediate family children will be there but no others. People do understand and some have said they can't make it because of childcare. Some find it easier to arrange than others and for different reasons. If you do allow other children to come then just be aware that some might grumble that x was allowed but y wasn't. That's not good enough reason not to bend though if that will solve the problem.