bridesmaid issues

I'm totally the wrong person to comment on this but the whole tattoo thing would totally pee me right of! Two of my bridesmaid have tattoos and the first thing I said to them when I asked them to participate was request they get no more tattoo till after my big day and they agreed, thankfully the ones they have now can be easily covered.

Is it not possible to get her a wrap that matches the dress that she can use during photos to hide the tattoo?

Hi,

I understand how you feel. I would be rather annoyed too. But we have to remember that our weddings aren't as important to our bridesmaids as they are to us and your wedding probably didn't cross her mind when she went out and did it.

All I could suggest is that you buy a shrug/ cardigan/ cover up and ask her to wear it. If she is a good friend she will understand and wont mind.

I always thought that I would be planning my wedding with my bridesmaids but I have had to accept that they are busy and can't always be there. My H2B has stepped up though and is pretending to take interest in all of the girly things.

I hope that it works out for you and try not to stress. If she is a true friend she will be there for you on the big day when you really need her.

x

'There was no doubt in my mind that i loved these girls to pieces and wanted them by my side on my wedding day.'

I think that this is the important thing to remember - you chose her because you couldn't imagine your day without her and now you are clearly not as close. This would really upset me. I've drifted apart from some amazing friends over the years and it feels horrible.

With regards to her tattoo - I realise that they are not to everyone's tastes but it is her arm and she can cover it in tattoos if she wants to. Sorry if this comes across as harsh. I think you need to try and arrange a catch up in person so you can check out her new ink for yourself. As PinkButterfly has mentioned, a shrug might work. Or ask your TOG to try and avoid it in shots (thinking standing at an angle etc)

Good Luck!

Spen

Its more the fact that we arent close anymore that bothers me than the tattoo. I could live with it, i already thought along the lines of getting the photographer to just be clever with his pictures and try position them so you cant see it as much ( a shrug wouldnt really do much as it is the whole arm ).

Its more the fact that she just doesnt speak to me or see me anymore. Its not a case of as some people think that i expect everyone to care about the wedding as much as i do or talk about it, its a case of she just doesnt speak to me at all. up until a few days ago it had been 3 months since we last spoke, and thats not for lack of trying on my part.

Have you tried to speak to her about how you feel? Maybe she doesn't realise that you are upset. Weddings do strange things to people, if she is single, maybe she is a little envious? I think it is really important to make her understand how she has made you feel but also to hear things from her perspective.

If she is not interested then maybe your friendship has run its course...it happens. I truly believe people come into your life at a point in time for a reason, maybe your need for her (or hers for you) has now passed.

Either way, if I were you I would find a way to make her understand how you feel whether it was face to face (which is the best way)email or letter.

Hope you work everything out.

Sorry to hear you're having BM issues. This doesn't help in terms of your diminishing friendship (sorry), but a friend of mine also had a BM with a sleeve tattoo and she bought a flesh coloured cover for photos. They do sell them specifically for this reason- check eBay/Amazon. Hope she starts making a bit more effort x

Bridesmaid and tattoo issues aside, it's horrible when you get the feeling that a friendship might be running it's course. My friend of ten years has drifted away from me recently and although I make lots of effort she just seems so uninterested.

You need to meet up with her and have a full and frank chat with her, find out what's going on in her life, there might be reason you have not seen her. Ask her if she really does want to be bridesmaid, she might have agreed before because she felt put on the spot. The tattoo is a non issue really, lots of people have them, but you need to sort your friendship out.

xx

I'm never comfortable with this kind of conversation as there's always two sides to a story, all I'll say is; how do you think that she would feel if she read what you had written about her?

My issue really wouldn't be the tattoo or the hair colour, I already have plans to unveil some new ink and a different shade of hair on the day myself, it would be the lack of interest. My BM can rock up with fluorescent yellow hair (well, maybe something that won't clash with her dress would be preferable), a dozen piercings and two full sleeves on the day, as long as she has shown me continued support in between tattoo appointments. As for the photos being ruined, I know when I look at pictures I skip the ones of anyone who isn't the bride and groom or me, that's the ones I'm interested in seeing. Having said that, if her sleeve is particularly attractive I might zoom in on it just so I could appreciate it in all it's glory.

First things first, dont apologise for sounding harsh when you know you dont really care if you do or not. Secondly, before you start calling me a snob maybe you should try re reading the original post before jumping down my neck as i never said that i thought it would ruin the photos, that was my partner, and yes, i did think he was being a bit close to the knuckle by saying that.

I'm not going to lie and say sorry if that sounds harsh because i really dont care, i dont like people assuming I'm a snob or that i believe i can insist on what people do with their bodies, because at no point did i say no you cant do this no you cant do that. They have had free reign over everything and i have asked for nothing from them other than to be there with me.

If i could meet up with her and have it out, then i would, but as i said, meeting up with her is a challenge when she doesnt reply to any messages or initially says yeah sure and then never commits to a date.

I'm just going to bite the bullet and send her a message on facebook and hope she replies, one way or the other.

Might you be feeling hypersensitive to the friendship because of the wedding? I have a very old friend and we drift in and out of contact, but whenever we manage to meet up we have a whale of a time. Since asking her to be bridesmaid, I must admit I have been more sensitive to how much time each of us is putting into the friendship; mostly because I really want her to feel involved in the day. It sounds a bit like there might be something going on in your friends life that's causing her to drift away a little, and it probably has absolutely nothing to do with you, or the wedding. Just ask her if something is up and if she wants a chat, maybe?

There could be something going on, i dont know, but unless she talks to me im never going to find out. Its not a case of me noticing it more, because we spoke on a daily basis, and then as i said shes just suddenly gone very quiet and i dont really know whats going on. i just wish i knew because its putting a dampener on everything. I dont even care about the wedding i just want to know whats going on.

I was having issues with my BM's a couple of weeks back. A fellow hitcher did put me straight thankfully with something along the lines of "your BM'S will not be thinking about your wedding as much as you are'. I still have over a year and looking back I think I was maybe a little insensitive to how they might feel and it not being on their 'radar' yet. I would suggest contacting them and tell them your concerns but not get too heated about it (however I guess depends on when your wedding is?). I found one of my BM's has not really been involved etc but when I finally did speak to her I found out she had been having a few issues health wise etc. I guess I am trying to say not to let it affect you, I know its hard but focus on the things that you have control over?

When is your big day?

Hi Kitkat,

I agree with what the others have said, I think that we can all become pretty wedding centric and not everyone is quite on the same page! I have seen similar threads and its amazing, sometimes a BFF getting married brings it home to the BM that she is alone, or has just had a break-up for example, in other cases I have seen health issues being the source or a family problem, just like when you are in 'normal life' and not wedding mode. People - brides and bm's included- have really different views on what should be expected of a BM in the run up to a wedding. I don;t expect anything of mine but to turn up, wear what I have bought them, and look pretty! That is it! Chief BM is hopefully planning some nice suprises for my Hen, but I specified what I would like to do so all she had to do was book - controling? DEFINITELY! ;-) But my friends know what i am like and love me anyway!

Regarding the tatoos, yes it is her life and that cannot really go on standby for however months you are engaged, I admire the other hitcher for asking her girls not to get any more - I was tempted to ask my girls not to cut their hair too short but I held back! Two have now cut their hair! Ahhh well. But they are in everyday life mode!

Your personal views (or those of your OH of course!) on tatoos are not massively relevent here, I think you realise yourself that you need to make sure your relationship is ok as the priority. I am personally not crazy about them which is why I choose not to have any myself, but I think that asking her to wear a shrug, wrap, or stand so that that arm is hidden behind the BM next to her in photos is acceptable so long as you ask her politely which I am sure you would. I fully agree that people should be themselves and that if she is your friend then she is your friend regardless of hair colour and tatoo style. But this is the one day when you get to create the world just as you would have it, and if that includes tatoo-minimised BM's then I think that is OK. :-)

Hope everything is OK at her end and there are no dramas. Good luck and try to relax, everything will be beautiful on the day. I am sure my girls will look just as gorgeous with slightly different hairstyles than I imaged too!

If the tattoo doesn't bother you then why mention it?

I understand it might have been a surprise, but if you are starting to dread your own wedding because of a tattoo then maybe this girl isn't important enough to you to be a bridesmaid.

Personally I wouldn't have cared if all my bridesmaids wore bin liners and had multi-coloured spikes coming out of their heads. I just wanted them there with me.

IMO, it does seem that ppl are slightly over focusing on the tattoo. I saw it more as you are majorly not happy about the drift in your friendship and as an aside you are also not happy about the tattoo (but this is the minor rather than major problem - and probably bugging you more as she had already upset you). I think that due to the laws of probability, some girls are going to ask others to be BMs and then their friendships change. It is not always the case that this is because the bride has unrealistic views. If you are brave then I'd talk to her about the change in your relationship. Although I have to say that I did this, was reassured that she wanted to be a BM, was told everything was fine, and then it went back to a drifting friendship. So I might not be the best advisor! What I will say is just focus on what the wedding is about, and the worst thing that will happen is you'll have a BM there that you dont see that often or feel as close to - not the worst thing ever

I'd give her a call or better yet, arrange to meet. If she doesn't meet up with you as makes a poor excuse then at the time of said excuse I'd explain to her my worries about her being absent.

You need to explain your worries in that she's dropped off the radar recently. Ask if everything is ok, is she busier than usual at work etc etc?

With regards to the tattoo, it's a part of her... The girl you love enough to choose as a bm. I wouldn't dream of asking my bm to cover her tattoos but that's just me. If the tattoo is completely out of character then I can see your concern at her getting a full sleeve straight away otherwise it's just something you'll have to live with as a part of her.

THIS!!! 100% could not agree more. It is completely out of character for her and this is what bugs me about it. If she had been planning it for a while or something then it wouldnt really bother me, its just that its completely out of the blue and i wasnt expecting it.

The main point of my original post was her drifting, and everyone seems to have zoomed in on the tattoo and is assuming that thats my only issue and that im being stuck up or a snob, or that im expecting my bridesmaids to be completely focused on my wedding, and thats not it at all. I want them to be focused on the friendship.

Yes i did want this girl to be right there by my side, but for some reason she just doesnt seem to give a toss anymore, and thats what bugs me, but most of you dont seem to be reading that part of my posts and just assumes Im being a demanding bridezilla and being pissy that my bridesmaid has dared to do something to her body without seeking my consent.

What really bothers me is this girl who is supposed to be one of my best friends now seems to ignore my txts and facebook messages, and doesnt really seem interested in being part of my life anymore let alone my wedding

In this case, given what you've said I think you need to catch up with her over a coffee and see what's up. See whether something's up or whether something has triggered her recent changes.

I'm sorry to say that this girl is making it quite clear that she doesn't want to be friends with you for some reason. If she doesn't respond to your message I would send her another to say that you presume from her actions she is no longer interested.

See thats what i thought mini and i could accept that if it werent for her contacting me a few days ago and talking about meeting up and asking how i am etc out of the blue, and then going back to radio silence, it just doesnt seem to make any sense, and i dont suppose it is going to until i can pin her down one way or another

Kitcat, at any time that you have spoken to her have you actually addressed how you feel? Have either of you mentioned that your friendship is not what it was? Sometimes we can get blinded by our own situations and not realise what we are doing to other people. If this is someone who you spoke to everyday and suddenly she has dropped of the radar I would be thinking that she maybe has some crisis in her life that you should be picking upon, obviously with your wedding prep your are extremely busy and may have missed the signs leading up to all this. It happens and doesn't mean you are a bad friend, that's just life sometimes.

I think you need to look back a see when the distancing happened and what were the circumstances around that time.....was she in a relationship that has since finished, does she get on with hubby 2 be? One of my bezzies (who got married April) is with someone whom none of us really trust and we have all taken a step back as she is so wrapped up in him she has stopped spending so much time with us...................it doesn't matter, we will be there if she needs us......

Sometimes we need to bite the bullet and not sugar coat things and I think this is what you need to do with your friend. My opinion only!

Do make it clear how you are feeling. Don't assume she knows she can talk to you. If she doesn't want to bother you because of what's going on in your life you could both be in need of a talk. Just say 'hey, i

miss you' can it hurt?

I took the drift in the friendship to be the point of the post and the tattoo as being a symptom or example of the drift. If someone makes a permanent and substantial body to dramatically change part of their body, and they have never mentioned it before, it really flags up that in the past it would have been something that she might have spoken to you about.

These things can be really upsetting. Sometimes they are just temporary, due to short-term circumstances i.e. a new boyfriend, increased working hours, and then they go back to normal. Other times friendships just change in nature as people change but if you really meant that much to each other then I'll doubt you'll ever lose contact completely. The difference between the two is that the second scenario is more likely if you both stop making the effort. Don't get me wrong, you don't need to go stalker, but don't give up just yet.