bridesmaid nightmare - please help!!!!

Sack her.

Or if you're feeling slightly more generous towards her you should ring her/go and see her and ask her if there's a problem/give her an out. If nothing changes, sack her.

Be honest with her - i.e. 'you don't seem that interested / excited, I wondered if maybe it's not really your thing and you'd prefer to be a guest?'

Sounds like a right pain in the butt. I'm not one to pussyfoot around issues so if she didn't respond to one more phone call from me she would be automatically sacked and I wouldn't even bother telling her until she got herself sorted enough to ring me then if she decided to buck her ideas up I would consider reinstating her BM status. That way if she doesn't bother, you haven't wasted any money.

I'm sure you must be a bit frustrated but realistically, you don't need four bridesmaids to keep you calm on your wedding day. And surely the smiling should be there regardless?

I don't understand why you had to get involved in organising the hen do just because your step sister didn't? I may be missing something so excuse me if I am.

Some people just aren't the 'bridesmaidy' type. It sounds like she's not actively going out of her way to be awkward, rather she's just not being particularly forthcoming and interested.

So, if she's happy to wear whatever dress you pick etc you have a decision to make as to whether it's really important to you to have an 'active' bridesmaid in your step sister. And weigh up whether the family fallout is worth sacking her.

Some people just arent excited about weddings, maybe she is one of these people.

also maybe she thinks everytime you contact her its about the wedding. maybe you should arrange to meet for a drink to catch up and then slip in your concerns or worries and make it clear to her that if she doesnt want to be a BM she doesnt have too. maybe she agreed to be a BM because she thought it was the right thing to do rather than what she actually wanted to do.

This.

As someone else said some people just aren't interested in weddings, so maybe she doesn't get how important it is to you that you asked her to be bridesmaid. I asked my OH's sisters to be BMs because he wanted me to, but neither have really done anything; but they have never been BMs before and I don't think either of them really get the whole 'wedding' thing. Fortunately I have 2 other BMs who are very enthusiastic. You have 3 other BMs who sound great. So just ask if step-sis actually wants to be a BM, or if she'd be happier just as a guest; or maybe ask her to do a reading or something instead. Hope you get it sorted.

This - if she's not interested give her an out or just tell her how you're feeling.

I think some people just don't get that excited about weddingy stuff until the actual event ie hen do and wedding day. I have two bridesmaids who have been excited to come to see my dresses, want to come with me to my cake lady and are just very excited and doing a lot to help.

Then I have two more that really aren't bothered at the moment, I know they are excited, but until they day, wont really be that involved. And I'm fine with that, it's not the most important day of their lives so I cant expect them to be counting down the days (like me!)

I don't really get why she has to be involved in the organising of the hen do, I see why this is annoying as you've specifically asked her to, but some people are just very disorganised. I personally wouldn't sack her, especially if it would cause tension, but if it is really bothering you, speak to her, she probably doesn't realise she is upsetting you.

I got the impression that the step sister and op are the only ones who know some of the people attending.

I've had to get involved with mine as my sister doesn't have everyone's numbers and some people aren't on facebook or don't check their messages on there... Been chasing money this morning in fact, people who say they are coming but then don't pay - very frustrating!

Well yes, I had to do this but all it took was a list of names and emails. Doesn't mean I had to get involved in any of the details. My chief bridesmaid made all the contact from that point on, including the money side. If she has a bridesmaid that's doing that, I still don't understand why it's so important the other one is involved.

Did you make it clear to her from the start that you wanted her to be involved in these decisions and such? When I was a bridesmaid for my brother, I assumed my job was to turn up for dress fittings, wear the dress chosen, get stupidly drunk and provide humour at the Hen do and then pose and hold some flowers on the big day. And that's exactly what I id. If I was her I'd feel that the actual planning wasn't my place at all, and realistically she probably has many other things that are a priority to her over your wedding. It doesn't mean she's being intentionally mean or she doesn't care.

I wouldn't sack her as a bridesmaid, especially having been so close to her throughout your life, that's just drastic and ridiculous. Have a chat with her, tell her that you assumed she'd be more involved and see what she says. If she doesn't want to help out or cant, then its up to you to decide if you still want her as a bridesmaid.Personally I think you ask someone because you like them a lot and want them to have a special role on the day, not because you want them to take on a part time role as wedding planner/organiser.

Wow guys, thank you so much for all your advice!!! I didnt think I would get this much so quickly

Ijust want to clear up the hen do isue and stress why it's important...It's basically because I really didnt want to organise it!! Lol! I have done all the stuff for the wedding and when I discussed it with my bridesmaids (with exception to step sister) it seemed like a good idea to make it as much of a treat as possible by making it a surprise. Like I said, my chief BM is super practical and organised so she has been in charge of the majority of organisation and doing most of the leg work, but as she is a friend not family I was relying on my step sister to help sort out the guests from my family and collect deposits - which I feel is understandable as my friend doesnt even know some of the relatives who are invited! Alls my step sister had to do was spread the word, get together names of who wanted to come, and be my chief bms go to person for collecting the funds together. She hasnt even replied to any of her messages - so my chief bm is understandably concerned she isnt going to have enough time to organise everything in the end when she told me about it she was upset - which really upset me.

I guess what has been said about her not being fussed about weddings could be right. Every time we have managed to discuss it she just says 'i cant believe you are getting married, i feel so old now' blah blah blah and I suppose seeing me (i am only a year older that her) getting married has been a bit of a realisation for her? Not that I expect she'll rush to grow up any time soon lol but maybe it's just been a bit of a shock to her - I am only 23 so some people think that is quite young to get married?

It's not like we are super close either, like I said due to family stuff we have never been best friends but in the past few years got on alot better and I might have bene relying on having her as a bridesmaid to build a sisterly relationship between us. I guess I have only just realised what I was proably trying to do...Now if i 'demote' her, whatever friendship we do have will be ruined...

Such a tricky situation

I will of course be smiling lol, I am just quite an anxious person and I will probably be stressing right up until the second I see my fiance lol...I dont need extra stress with one of my bridesmaids!!!

Hey guys - i have clarified this point in my other post but it is mainly because my friend doesnt know everybody on my family side and my step sister does, i had hoped it would make things easier for everyone by having my step sister speak to family and my friend to everyone else. I can imagine it being quite awkward tryong to chase money from people you dont even know...?

Don't demote her then, lol. Its not like this is the court of bridesmaid punishments ?

Just chat to her and let her know that you were hoping she would help out a little in order to keep it a surprise. And explain to her face to face or on the phone that CB doesnt feel comfortable chasing people she doesnt know for money and it would be easier if she could set some time aside to do that. Chances are she might apologise and n ot realise what it meant to you. Just focus on having a good hen do, planning is full of enough stresses without having to sack your step sister. You obviously value her friendship as you're worried about losing it, that's more important than hen do organisation.

I think some people just don't feel comfortable chasing people they don't know for money. My sister is 7 years younger than most of the people coming and feels a bit intimidated by that. personally I don't mind helping out anyway, I'm the organiser of the family / within my friendship group (and a bit of a control freak!)

Haha! Court of bridesmaid punishments I must sound so silly...

I think I am going to take your advice and just have a chat with her about how much we need her help in the organising. I asked her a couple of weeks ago to get in touch with chief BM and she still hasn't, so am gonna try and talk to her about it today.

This has been worrying me so much, it's the last thing I need! And like I said in my original post, she might be a bit unorganised and childish somestmes but she is also a really fun person and that is why I value her as a friend and sister and why i really want her to be a bm.

Watch this space - I will let you know how it goes!

Thanks again ladies

Don't let it worry you, the course of true wedding planning never runs smooth and there are always going to be people who aren't as excited as you'd like, let you down or who are a pain in the bum! None of this will matter on the day, it's you and h2b that matter most.

Nah, you don't lol I just see a lot of posts like this and it reminds me of a criminal in front of a jury deciding heir punishment ?

I think a casual chat is in order, just let her know the CB can't really do the things involving your family, does your step sister know the CB well? she might feel apprehensive of getting in touch if they aren't too familiar? Just don't come off as a bridezilla or be unreasonable, then the balls in her court and its up to her. If you go in in a mood or something she might get defensive and cause an argument and you don't want that!

no my stepsister and cbm dont know each other that well - have been trying to get them in the same room for weeks but everyone is so busy with work and holidays at the moment!

i am going to try a concerned approach and ask if she is ok with the planning stuff because shehas seemed a little distant and see if that gets her talking. fingers crossed and wish me luck lol!

Hey guys, I just wanted to thank you for all your advice and update you on the situation!!

I test my stepnsister just asking if she was ok and stuff and she replied that she had been having some issues with her boyfriend and had not been thinking about much else lately. We had a talk about it and I asked if she was wanted to be a bridesmaid still and she said she was really happy to be asked and she would defo start to help my CBM organise stuff more.

Am chuffed I managed to talk to her without jumping in there and just saying 'your rubbish'. Thanks for everyones advice cos it made me really think about what to say

I got a message from my CBM the next day to say my stepsister had text her and they were going to meet up to do some planning!! Yay!

Yay!! Glad everything worked out all right

..we aren't that useless after all lol

So pleased, that's great news