Bridesmaid Problem...

Hmm, an awful situation to be in. However, I think the only thing you can really conclude is that she doesn't believe in the value of HER marriage at this time. That doesn't mean she can't support yours. I'm not sure I'd want to sack a BM if I was in your position but it's your call. The 'You need time to look after yourself' line is probably as good as any.

This is a really tricky situation and I'm not going to be able to offer much advice as I can see both sides.

I think if it was me though, I would still have her as a BM. As footlong says, it's only her marriage she obviously doesn't believe in. There's nothing to say that she isn't still a good friend to you.

If, however, she were to turn round to you now and say 'never get married, it's all a pile of w*nk, then yes I would probably prefer her not to be a bm.

I completely understand how you are feeling. I was bridesmaid for a friend a few years back but since then she has had many affairs which although her husband has chosen to forgive her I decided that I didn't want her as a bridesmaid as it didn't feel right having her as a part of my wedding when she obviously hasn't had any respect for her own marriage. Its difficult as you have already asked her but at the end of the day ot is your wedding.

xx

Urm.....I think dismissing her as a bridesmaid is a bit harsh if I'm honest. I have a friend who doesn't want to get married & doesn't think there is any need for it in her relationship. However, I would still have her as my bridesmaid. As to me bridesmaids are about supporting the bride and being there for her. What happens in her personal life is irrelevant to her bridesmaid duties. However, if you are thinking that due to her situation you no longer want to be friends with her at all......then that's different.

Whether she has put herself in this situation or not, you do not know the history or back ground to it; and you should be there as a support her too.

It's a tricky one, but I would still keep her as my BM- I'm one of those who tries not to judge unless I know the full story...... my mum had an affair with a married man which led to my parents divorce, however both sides now agree they would have split anyway and had simply grown apart and were no longer with the right people. My mum has since married the same man and is happy. I think it's unfair to judge someone based on the fact they were the one who had the affair- everyone has a right to be happy, sometimes people don't always do things the 'right' way but as close friends (I assume you are as her BM) I think you should be there to support her. Try and look at it the other way round, how would you feel if you were asked not to be her BM??

I agree with the above that if she starts being negative towards your wedding them maybe being BM isn't the best thing for her, but i imagin she will be there to support you just as she would have done if this had not happened

Hearing of a marrage brake up when your planning a wedding is horrible anyway. regardless of who is envolved.

what do you think is making you more upset, the fact that she can cheat on her husband or you have found out that one of your bridesmaids is capable of sleeping with someone elses husband? unfortunatly its human nature to not want anything to do with a situation like this, i have a group of 6 friends and one has had 2 affairs with men in relationships and it is very hard to cope with listening to her reasons for doing it. there is allways a "cuckoo in the nest" feeliing when we all went out and she was there. its very hard trying to understand someone when you feel like there basic morals are the opposite of yours.

needless to say I didn't ask my friend to be a bridesmaid, but as you already have i would sit her down and say that with all the stress of her situation and the fact that her marrage has broken down, you dont think it will be fair on her to have such a stressfull role in the wedding as you will spend the whole time feeling guilty because of your own happyness

I think if it was me though, I would still have her as a BM. As footlong says, it's only her marriage she obviously doesn't believe in.

Thanks for all the quick responses, I really appreciate it...

I think the problem I have is the husband she has cheated on is a really lovely guy and she just 'got bored.' She has been with him 12 years and I guess it is upsetting to think that after that long 'getting bored' is justification to end the relationship in this way. I guess it makes you question whether marriage is for life anymore...I completely love my fiance and cannot wait and AM SO EXCITED to be his wife :-) but they felt like that when they got together.

It is difficult for me to judge as I am not even married yet and I don't know what it feels like to be married to someone for a long time...I don't like to judge as you do not know what you would do in a situation you have not been in before.

To be honest the situation is dampening my excitement about the wedding and is causing me a lot of worry. Maybe I am being selfish...if she wasn't a BM I could forget about the effect it is having on our wedding and focus on me being a friend and helping her though this...

Her attitude when she told me what...'it's all gone bad and by the way you have to get a new florist'...

If I was being kind, I'd say that's defiant and uber-defensive, rather than uncaring.

I would say it depends on your friendship. you could turn round and say "im sorry i dont think i want you as my bridesmaid becaue i fell this this & this"

this could totally end your friend ship...is this what you want?

I am friends with them as couple, so with the husband too and they are both invited to the wedding.

You guys are right though, she is still my friend and I have to be there for her. Regardless of what's been going on in her private life she is still a friend and I would not want to lose her friendship over this.

I feel so sorry for you being caught in the middle of this, all you can do is listern to her and instead of feeling fearfull that you or your h2b could one day get bored, listen to the reasons and promice yourself you most make the same mistakes, learn by hers instead. Every couple will go through periods of boredom and the relationship will go a little flat at times, those who have been in relationships for a long time already know this, it is down to you if you try harder or find someone else. they were proberly BOTH bored, but she chose to cheat. focus on the fact that her husband maintained fathfullness throughout there marrage, even when his wifes affections werent with him - proof that there are obviously good guys out there and im sure you have got one too, and seeing her husband so upset will be more than enough to keep you on track!

If she is a true friend tell her exactly how you feel. Tell her it makes you uncomfortable, and see how she reacts. If she is understanding towards you, and has a point about marriage and her faith in it make a decision then. If she does't get it, don't have her. Disloyalty is infuriating!

As somebody else posted, if you sack her off as BM it could really end your friendship. Are you prepared for that?

I think if I was your BM, and even if it was all my own fault for being selfish, cruel and reckless, I would feel like the lonliest person in the world if then my bestfriend effectively rejected me.

You cannot retract a BM offer without seriously risking friendship.