Bridesmaid question: Should hubby have a say?

My OH picked his best man / ushers and I picked my bridesmaid we didn't have a say in each others choices. However is he really close to his sister and niece? If so I can understand why he would want them to have some part in the day. You could suggest that the 4 year old could be a flower girl and his sister could do a reading or be a witness instead. Would it really put you out to have them as part of the bridal party?

Personally I would say no. I've seen too many people have issues with bridesmaids they didn't really want but felt they had to ask.

If your OH wants them to be involved in the day, maybe they could do readings or something?

My advice to you is to do what YOU want. It will be you who is having close contact with these people if they are your bridesmaids, not him. And if you can't imagine them being a massive part of many things building up to your big day then I would say no to your OH.

There are so many instances where there are bridesmaid issues and if this was to happen to you you would probably end up blaming your OH for putting that pressure on you.

I think if you get along with the sister and her daughter then you might as well ask them if it will make your OH happy. It sounds like it means a lot to him.

It sounds like the little girl is very well behaved and her mother (the sister) understands weddings and as such as told her little girl to behave and she follows this. So I doubt they'd cause any problems. And it seems pretty standard these days that you ask any sisters of the groom to be bridesmaid. You might find that the sister is absolutely thrilled and ends up being a big help.

I think it's probably just thrown you a little because you weren't expecting it, and in your head you had already made your plans. But I think overall in the grand scheme of things this will seem pretty minor as planning progresses. I'd just roll with it and ask them.

B x

Thanks everyone.

In answer to your questions, we're both pretty close to them. See them a few times a week, as her husband passed on last year and h2b has been the rock to his sister and his niece.

I suggested reader/witness a while ago but he didn't think it was special enough.

As I say I like her a lot and we get one well, it just hadn't crossed my mind. Growing up with sisters you just always assume it's them who will be your bridesmaids.

To be honest, the more I think about it, the less put out I am. I think it was just the initial shock of it (he E-MAILED this request to me- blokes eh? Tsk!).

I might talk to him tonight and hear his reasons properly and talk to my older sister who is also friends with his sister and see what she says.

At the end of the day it's OUR wedding, and if she's important to him, so important he e-mails me in the middle of the day, then I should give it more thought than just my initial reaction.

Thanks.

I think it sounds all rather perfect tbh! I'd love to have such a tight ness like you guys clearly do.

In my choosing I've had a ngihtmare. MOH and I fell out badly and we dont speak anymore, and 1 BM has dropped out of the role due to her own circumstances changing. My H2B happily agreed to my Dad being suited when I asked too.

I did ask the opinion of my H2B in picking BMs as 1 of them is his ex (although thats many yrs ago now i wanted to make sure he was OK with it). IF he had of asked me to ask his sister to be a BM I dont think I'd of minded as I like her and we get on well on the once-every-few-months we meet up. His brother on the other hand is an usher and I really do not want him being such a big part of the day as I know he will cause upset somewhere if not on the big day...

but.... what im trying to say is, i think when someone really feels strongly about who they want in their big day, it should be had.

I was a bridesmaid at my brothers wedding about 15 yrs ago and my brother and SIL(to be at the time!) asked me together as if it was a joint decision. If I'm honest it never really occurred to me that I wouldn't be a bridesmaid - I'd always thought when my brother got married that would be my job. My brother and I are really close and I get on really well with my SIL and

I guess looking back if it hadn't worked out that way I'd have been a bit put out. (I realise that sounds pretty unreasonable and I don't mean it to but I honestly never thought it would be any other way. Now that I'm planning my own wedding I guess I'm a bit more aware of how things work and other peoples feelings). Perhaps this is the case with your OH? Maybe he and his sister joked (in earnest!) about it when they were younger?

I hope you managed to get it sorted out so you are all happy x

I thought it was the general rule of weddings that if the groom has a sister they are automatically a bridesmaid? I'm super close to my brother and always have been so if I'm honest I would be upset if I wasn't part of his day. One of my family members got married years ago and he didn't have his sister as a bridesmaid (due to his wife to be) and it caused major fall outs and drama. So I think you're really lucky in that you actually get on and like each other. The little girl is your niece too so would be nice to include her! I'm having my OH's brother's daughter as my flower girl and I can't wait to include her and go cute flower girl dress shopping!

I am probably going to have OH's youngest sister as a BM. For me, it was a practical decision I only have one sister, and I want more than one BM. Having his sister not only includes his family, it also solves the problem of putting friends' noses out of joint because I've asked one friend and not another. OH does have an elder sister, but we can't afford 3 BMs and she lives abroad, so it makes sense not to ask her. OH didn't ask me to have either of his sisters, and I'm not having any say in his Best Man or groomsmen.

H2B isn't having any say in my bridesmaids, but if he had any sisters I think it would be kind of agiven that they'd be bridesmaids.

It sounds as if you're all pretty close so IMO it would have been an obvious step to take - it may have been different if he had several sisters but one and a niece is managable. Like you said, its his wedding too and it sounds as if having his sister involved means a lot to him, so I think I'd say yes.

It sounds as if you're more put out that he's insistent than actually having them in the bridal party. Are you used to having things all your own way by any chance?

Just have them and stop over thinking

I didn't ask either of my husband's sisters to be bridesmaids. Didn't even occur to me to and we get on well. I have my own friends that I wanted. I did ask one to be a witness and the other to do a reading though.

Its a bit barmy to assume you will be your brothers bridesmaid when he weds... what if the bride has her own siblings or close friends? My H2B has a sister, shes lovely and we get on, but we do not meet up out of family gatherings and H2B would never expect me to have her. What we DO have is our sisters (mine and his) being out witness's so that they are involved. Also , H2B has a neice by his sister who is a FG but I have several nieces from my brother as well as my sister, so having my friends daughter as a FG.

I was a "groomsmaid" for my brother in america. He wanted me part of the wedding but his wife had her own sister and 3 best friends as bms and both of them thought id feel out of place (true!) so i was in a slightly difference dress and stood in line with my brother and the groomsmen/ushers!!!

I think it's fair enough he has input but ultimately it's the brides choice. I think the same applies to the best man -l would have chose my husbands best friend rather than his brother. I like his best friend more and l know his brother would have added no value

PS l am not aware of a rule that the grooms sisters are bridesmaids? If we had had bridesmaids l wouldn't have had my husbands 3 sisters, l would have just had my best friend

I agree with most of whats been said, i hadn't heard of the "rule" before i came on hitched but i don't think it would have changed who i am having as i was always just going have OH's daughters. well until my mum asked my niece!! (she's nearly 21 and totally not the bm type!!) I thought about it afterwards, but at her wedding a couple of years ago i know she had issues with her SIL and begrudged having to have her in the bridal party and actually made her a usherette but wasn't happy about it so i know she understands. I did ask oh if her little boy should be a page boy/ring bearer or something like that and he flat out said no so that was the end of that conversation! His sister is a witness and is honoured at the duty. Neither of my sisters have any role in the bridal party and both are fine with it

Could you maybe suggest that his niece is flowergirl and sister is a witness as it is more of a honour than perhaps he thinks?

I do think ultimately the BM choice is your's, however there does have to be some element of compromise if he has strong feelings about it?

My bridesmaids are my daughter (aged 20) and one of my oldest friends (aged 30). I have a sister, aged 42 and OH has a sister aged 56, so I don't think anyone would have expected me to ask either of them, so this is perhaps a bit of a hypothetical situation for me. I didn't even consider the sisters to be bridesmaids or MOHs etc, although where appropriate, readings etc have been arranged instead. I am not overly close to either, so the role of BM/MOH wouldn't feel right for me.

However, if they were younger/closer etc and OH had commented on having them, then I don't think I would have hesitated in doing so. It is OUR wedding, not MY wedding, and other than my dress, I do feel we have had equal input on everything, and this would be no different.

First time round, I had my sister, and my then SIL as bridesmaids - it was sort of expected without question. But then things were different back then - 25 years have passed and wedding TV programmes have taken over the world. Before you know it, we will all be having 12 bridesmaids and 12 groomsmen A la 4 Weddings US stylee!!

Anyway, from what you say, I would certainly say that hubby DOES have a say in things like this. How you decide to compromise/negotiate if need be is another matter, if you feel you are being pushed into having someone you don't want as part of your group.

I think it's a nice thing to do if you get on with them well. Chances are they'll be in your life longer than friends anyway.

Yes definitely. I think it only seems right. He is having your brothers so she will be the only sibling not involved. It's one more dress plus a flower girl who you've said is an angel at weddings. I am having my hubby's sister and I think that's only right. But it's completely your choice. I just think that having her is a compromise you can do without too much fuss and then you can have the upper hand should you and H2B disagree or having dif points of views on something else xx