Bridesmaid shopping Bridzella

It's a very common problem where a bride has more than one bridesmaid. Luckily nowadays you don't have to have them all dressed the same so you can cater to their assets. They can be in different styles as well as different colours and wear different shoes too. It's great that you can let them be themselves and be confortable for your day So no need for any bridezilla moments or bridesmaidzilla either (just made that one up lol)

Well, let's delve a bit deeper. Do you absolutely need your BMs to wear heels? Wouldn't you prefer them to be comfortable? I'm sure some nice ballet pumps will also look good.

On the plus size thing - have you asked her why she doesn't like the dresses? Are they unflattering to her shape? She probably feels self conscious about standing at the front, especially if the other BMs are smaller. Can you work together to find something she does like?

Re. the plus size bridesmaid - it might work out easier if you let her pick out a few different options herself, and work backwards from there...

I searched high and low (on the high street) for dresses for my girls, bought 2 styles to try and both got poo pooed, then they found the dress themselves while we were shopping for my wedding dress! It'll take some searching but you'll find something to suit them, don't worry. Do let her take the reigns though, she'll know what looks right on her and what she's comfortable wearing

Do you need her to wear heels? I used to get horrible back aches because of heals. I don't wear anything more than 3cm now. Maybe ask her what she can manage (if anything)?

Some BMs have a very fixed opinion on what they like to wear. Maybe explain your vision and make it clear that's what you'll be looking for. That prepares her.

Are you going for long or short dresses? If they're long then you can get away with one of them not wearing heels, as the dress will mostly hide what's on her feet.

If you've been trying and not found anything she likes in the way of dresses, ask her to have a look and send you EXAMPLES of the styles she would prefer. I would be careful of telling her to actually pick a dress she likes, because then if she picks something you absolutely hate, you have the extra hassle of trying to tell her no. So just ask her to find you photos of dresses that she likes the look of, and then see if you can find something you both like from there.

Alternatively, ask her to come along and try a variety of styles with you. It can be very hard to tell what a dress will look like on a real person, and she might find she likes something she previously dismissed.

You don't say quite how plus sized your BM is, but I used to be a size 22/24 and would probably find the whole dress shopping process excruciating, especially going with a size 12 fellow bridesmaid. I would be feeling incredibly self conscious - about trying dresses on in case they don't fit in the shop, and about showing you up in the photos as they would be dominated by my size. I wouldn't feel comfortable being on show, and would probably not feel pretty in anything that was picked, particularly if the size 12 was wearing the same dress. I'm not saying that's why she doesn't like the dresses, but it may be something she doesn't feel able to tell you about due to embarrassment. As much as I would have wanted to be a bridesmaid if a friend asked me when I was that size, I would have hated it and wished I hadn't been asked.

As for heels, no-one will be looking too closely at their feet. If it's the bigger girl who doesn't want them it may be because her feet don't fit into them, or her weight means they will be very painful. I lived in flats and trainers as I literally couldn't wear anything else. I still hate shoe shopping now lol.

Maybe go shopping with each girl separately so she doesn't feel as self conscious. Get her to suggest styles she likes and work from there. They don't have to be dressed the same.

It might mean a bit more hard work for you to find dresses for both of them, but being big is pretty hard work too, and she could well be crying inside looking at all the pretty dresses she feels she will look horrible in.

Sorry for the long reply, hope you find something that suits both that they're happy with

Have you shown or given your plus-sized BM a choice of different styles? Saturday might be a good oppotunity for her to say what she does actually like or feel comfortable in because if she has been shown a few but said no to all of them then it does leave you a bit in limbo.

Don't ge me wrong, I'm all for the whole whoever is paying gets the final say thing but it's important that everyone is happy and your BM might have a deep down reason why she doesn't want a certain style. Eg, my mum hates the tops of her arms being on show, so she either needed a dress that covered them or a shawl.

Re, the shoes... I was very easy going with the shoes my BMs wore as I had said I couldn't really afford to buy their shoes as well as their dresses, hair, makeup etc. so I said they could wear pretty much what they wanted and that extended to whether they were high heels or flats. They did wear long dresses though so the shoes didnt really show and as it happened, they got together and wore almost identical shoes anyway (diamonte/silver strappy) so it all worked out. I would much rather the BMs were comfortable than not as it's also a very long day for them.

I've never understood this about BMs. Being asked to be a BM is an honour and you bloody well wear what you're told. If/when I've been a BM, my friend could have said "you're wearing bin bags" and I'd wear it. It is not your wedding, or your choice, particularly if the bride and groom are paying for the dresses. Since when has it become acceptable for BMs to decide on the dresses?! Unbelievable.

No, I heartily disagree with the above statement. If you choose someone to be your BM, surely that means (or should mean) they're a close friend and you want them to be happy and comfortable. If a bride tried to make me wear heels all day or a style of dress that I felt emphasised my flab, it would mean the end of my role as BM and would possibly even endanger the friendship. Being the bride isn't license to be inconsiderate.

I have 4 BMs, ranging from a size 8 to a size 24, and have managed to find a dress they all look gorgeous in! My size 18 BM didnt like the dress at all when she saw it online, but i ordered it anyway and she liked it AND TWIRLED (she is not the twirling type).

My point is, make her just try on dresses in the shop - things look totally different on and in person. What if they have the same colour, but different style?

with the shoes i suggest you let them choose what is comfy for them, after all they will also be on their feet all day!!

Oh this a thousand times over. BRIDESMAIDS HAVE FEELINGS TOO! they are for life... Not just for weddings...

Since people cared about their friends opinions and feelings

Are you for real? Some brides actually care about their BMs feelings and want to them to be comfortable and enjoy the day. Good luck to yours if that's your attitude

Totally ignoring that nutter up there, Mrs_whatever, because she's clearly barmy. Your bridesmaids are your FRIENDS, how would you feel wearing something you felt awful in for an entire day?!

My BMs are a tall very slim size 8, and a shorter plus size 18/20. I was a bit stressed about it and worried, I know the bigger BM was worried too. So I made a whatsapp conversation for them both, wrote a message which said "Budget £250 each. Would prefer something you'd wear again. Any style and colour. GO" and left them to it!!! ? ? ?

It took them two weeks, and the conversation went from polite to VERY tense, but we got there in the end! Now have BM dresses all three of us absolutely LOVE.

Had to add, this is a brilliant reply. This this this!

This, this, this!!!

there will be a dress out there that you like, that your bms like and that suits them - it may not be the same dress on them both but if you can find dresses that compliment each other and your dress, that will be fine.

I think you've missed my point. I was trying to say it works the other way around too. If my friend wanted me as a BM to wear a curtain, you do it. If you're nit prepared to wear what they want, don't agree to be a BM! I didn't say people didn't have feelings! I think the lynch mob has got the wrong end of the stick.

If this is aimed at me you are incredibly rude. This is a forum where we will all have different opinions (that's why everyone's weddings will be different and wonderful in their own way). That does not give you carte blanche to be rude and throw insults.

If this is aimed at me you are incredibly rude. This is a forum where we will all have different opinions (that's why everyone's weddings will be different and wonderful in their own way). That does not give you carte blanche to be rude and throw insults.

I went to a wedding a few years back where the bm who was a size 24 had been squished into the same dress as the other two bms who were both size 8. The colour of the dress looked awful on her and her hair had been done in a style that really didn't suit her. She was the most uncomfortable and unhappy bm I've ever seen.

should she have refused to be bm? Maybe, but she was the groom's sister so was pleased to be included.

you should never ever make anyone feel like that, No matter how much you want your bms to look the same. People are different, why try and turn them into something they're not!

*sigh*

I'm not saying that's what we've done, far from it in fact. I was talking from a BM point of view. As a BM, I'd never quibble or complain if my friend wanted me to wear something at her wedding, even if it was hideous. That's what she wants me to wear and she's my friend so I wear it.

There are plenty of ways to involve people without being a BM.

My two bridesmaids are both well into their 30s and have definite styles and tastes - and I love that about them, it's where I pinch most of my ideas from!

I have told them what colour I want them in, and that I want the dresses the same length, other than that they have carte blanche to style it out entirely as they like. I don't want cookie cutter bridesmaids; at the end of the day they are my guests too and I want them to feel good about themselves on the day. This is not my opportunity to play dress up with dolls.

I would like to think I would also be a compliant BM if the situation arises - but to a point. Even when I am a standard guest at a wedding I would put a fair bit of thought into how I dressed and had my hair, etc because I like to look (read: feel) my best. I would be terribly upset if the bride, who presumably would be someone close to me, insisted I went with a style that made me feel less than my best on the day, particularly in a prominent role.

I still disagree that a BM should agree to be uncomfortable or look preposterous just to please a bride. But certainly no lynch mob here. I had no BMs (only eleven guests so no 'wedding party') and I suspect at my age I'll never be asked to be one, so I doubt I'll ever have to deal with this situation personally. This is just my opinion, as someone who is plus sized and can't wear heels due to arthritis. And wouldn't agree to wear a curtain for anyone!

I think I can kind of see what Little_MrsA2B is getting at. I think her choice of words may not have been the best.

We had a thread on here not long ago where a bride was very upset that her BM whom she'd given free rein was trying to chose rather short and (imo) inappropriate dresses. The Bride was very upset as none of the dresses the BM liked matched the colour scheme or her broad vision of the day. BM also refused to try on anything the bride liked.

I think choosing a dress is a tough situation and both BMs and the Bride need to be willing to compromise on some level.

Of course, nobody should be made to feel uncomfortable! But I do agree that if I was a BM and the bride put me in a dress i wasn't madly in love with, but thought was ok I would definitely wear it and keep quiet about it. If i was made to feel horrible or was forced to wear 6inch heels that's another matter....

I'm waffling, but hope that makes sense.

OP - I'm sure it seems like a huge struggle but you will find something that you are all happy with.

Thanks for all the advice

we went to David's bridal yesterday. We arrived early and allowed the Bm to browse. They picked dresses they liked. After trying on four dresses we have one they are both happy with. It was all very calm and everyone is happy.

Fantastic - exactly how it should be

Fab news!

Glad all ended well yesterday. I know one of my BM's also has her eye on some of their bridesmaid dresses too! They have some lovely styles.

How did you find David's? I only ask as I have an appointment with them later this month, and it's my first dress appointment anywhere and feeling a tad anxious so I am hoping for a good experience.

I have two ladies and two men in my bridal party. We are really struggling to find a dress to suit all four of them hehehehehehehe