Bridesmaid trouble - six weeks to go

During the time the BM and FG went shopping while you had your hair done did they find a dress?

If she carries on being like this I would just pick a dress and buy it for FG and tell her mother that it is the dress she will be wearing.

Also does the BM and you have any spare time during the week as its coming up to half term and FG will not be in school and this may be the best time to go shopping.

Is there any particular dress you are thinking of having? If not I would suggest going to BHS, they have the most gorgeous FG dresses in at the min, and I know most of them have evening open hours.

HTH

FG & BM found a dress but BM didn't want to show me it because FG is tired. I can't pick a dress without FG as she's small for her age and I wouldn't know what size to get. We also can't go at half term as BM is at uni during the week in another city. Also, when she's messed me around so much already, should I really have to take time off work because she can't be bothered to do things on the weekend?

I've tried BHS. They had a perfect dress, but didn't have it in her size (been discontinued and they checked their computer system). She won't wear anything with net in it, and we couldn't find anything in our colours without net.

I would be inclined to tell her exactly how you feel. It's 6 weeks before the wedding and this should all have been sorted out ages ago if she hadn't messed you about. I would take her dress back for a refund and say you're sorry but if she can't put aside one Saturday for the 3 of you to get this sorted then you can do without the stress. It's not like you haven't tried! If she's this unreliable now I wouldn't want to trust that she's going to be reliable on your wedding day to be honest. But good luck anyway!

wss! you have got enough to organise without changing your plans constantly! its difficult but i would seriously be considering whether this was someone i wanted in such a privileged position - dont let financial loss put you off, yeah you may be £100 down but i bet you'd feel like a weight was lifted!

The problem is that when I told her to forget about it before I got quite upset by it. She's been my best friend for years despite always being very unreliable. When she apologised I was relieved because I didn't want to look back in a few years and regret not having her, but it is causing me stress now. It just feels like everything has to be all about her. I know I get a whole day that's all about me and H2B, but I kinda feel that when doing wedding stuff I should be at least slightly considered. I don't mind fitting around my BMs to a certain extent because they have busy lives, but I feel like I'm the lowest person on her priorities.

I told her the other night that it was really stressing me out and basically lost my rag with her because she was making a fuss over shoes (I thought she was a size 5 as she always buys size 5 shoes, found some perfect ones on the internet and ordered them, so she then told me she's actually a size 4 and they wouldn't fit when she'd not even tried them on). She told me to chill out. I can't help stressing. Everyone I talk to who's married is really shocked that we're still looking at dresses with 6 weeks to go.

The other thing which sounds really petty is that whenever we do stuff all she does is talk about herself. Today she went on about her boyfriend, moving house and her uni course. I couldn't even get a word in. I eventually tuned out and stopped listening. I know the whole world doesn't revolve around me, but she didn't once ask me how I was feeling or talk about me or the wedding. When her daugher (FG) asked what her favourite part of the day was she said it would be watching Dr Who when she gets home. Should it not have been shopping with her best friend & daughter for FG dresses?

She knows I really miss H2B (in the army) and I find it really hard with him being away. I've not seen him in two weeks and won't be seeing him until the week before the wedding (seeing him in 5 weeks, wedding in 6 weeks), yet she's complaining because she's moved into a new student house and isn't going to be living with her boyfriend and will only see him 4 nights a week. I find it pretty hurtful that she's not being very sensitive to my feelings. I lived with H2B for almost 6 years before he joined the army (he's been in just over one year now), so it's really hard for me being on my own all of a sudden, especially with a wedding to plan.

I think I'm just ranting now. I feel like I really need a friend to talk to. I can't really talk to her because she either interrupts me to talk about herself or says I'm stressing and need to chill out. I don't really want to talk to my other friends because they're her friends too and they might feel like I'm asking them to take sides or might also be offended that I didn't ask them to be bridesmaids yet am complaining about her.

I would try to explain to your friend why this situation is stressing you out. She will not realise you have 101 things to do and decisions to make and this is just one of many.

I know you have put alot of effort into getting the dresses sorted out but at the end of the day the result you want is, dresses bought and your friend still being your bridesmaid.

I would say something like. "right, look we really need to organise a day to get dresses/dress or i'm not gonna get anything else done" (all jokingly, making it more the dresses at fault rather that your friends decision making) iyswim.

Then, when you get there pick 2 dresses that you would be happy with and give them that choice. "that one or that one".? BHS & debenhams do have some lovely dresses.

I find it easier to make decisions when choices are norrowed down

HTH Annie

The problem is not so much that she won't choose a dress, it's getting her to the shop. She tells me she has a day free, but she ends up not being free and having to run off to music lessons etc. The FG is a bit difficult with dresses (she can't stand net and I can't find much without net), but she knows what she likes. I just don't seem to be able to get her mum to commit to a day shopping and even when we make plans it turns out she's made other plans and actually isn't free all day.

I think you need to be really firm with her and just tell her how much stress this is causing you and just how important it is that you go shopping for the FG dress ASAP. You need to ask yourself, do you really need a friend like her? A true friend is there for you when you need them.

I mean surely her daughter can miss 1 music lesson?!!

I would give her a deadline to have a dress by, then its her fault if her little girl is dissapointed at not being FG

I think you're right, I do have to make more of a point of it. I thought when she apologised and asked if she could still be a BM she would have bucked up her ideas. I don't get what the problem is because she's always been a good friend in the past. I think maybe she's a bit jealous of all the attention being on me because she seems to twist every situation so that it has to revolve around her. I don't really want to fall out with her because she's been such a supportive friend in the past, but she denies that there's any problem and seems to think she's trying her best.

TBH I think I'm more offended at the low priority I'm given than the fact her daughter has a music lesson. I used to have music lessons and never missed a single one, so it would have been a big deal if I had to miss one, but she regularly rearranges them to suit herself and can't do it to suit me. At one point FG missed three lessons in a row because they didn't suit her mums schedule. Also, these lessons only started in January when I asked BM & FG to be part of my wedding in August. What kind of BM books a music lesson half way through the afternoon on a Saturday KNOWING that she will be required to do BM stuff mainly on Satudays (she's away during the week and generally doesn't get out of bed on Sundays).

Anyway, I'm going to stop whining about it. I'm going to make sure I speak to her and tell her that she either changes her attitude or we forget about her being a BM (again). I think through being too flexible I've let her take advantage of me. Instead of asking her when she's free and planning everything around her, I'm going to just tell her where she has to be and when and if she can't be bothered to turn up, she can't be a bridesmaid.

Poor you...what an ordeal. I would quite simply ask her to set one more date and make it clear that if she doesn't make this then you will have to ask her and her daughter to step down. One more chance! It's worse when she's been a friend for so long, but that doesn't mean she can mess you around like this...that's not acting like a friend! Give her one more chance and after that be strong with her! Good luck!

I agree, I'd ask her to set one more date within the next 2 weeks (maximum!) and say if she can't keep to that you're going to have to leave it. That you don't want to fall out over it but you don't want to be running round looking for dresses in the weeks before your wedding and you will have a lot of other stuff to do so won't have the time. I would ask her if she could move the music lesson to first thing on the Saturday morning or cancel it so you have nearly a full day - definately try to sit down and calmly explain how all this is making you feel.

That's exactly what I did - in MARCH!

When asked in January, she picked 29th March as the first date she could do. She cancelled that the day before (due to music lesson), so I gave her til the end of April to find a date she was free. I told her she either picked a date in April or I would pick one and she could either turn up or not be a bridesmaid. She didn't pick a date, so I picked April 26th. She text me in the middle of the night the week before to say she would be ill and not able to make it, so I told her to forget about being a bridesmaid.

Since apologising and asking to come back, I wouldn't have thought she wouldn't be doing exactly the same thing again.

These are my BM dresses (obviously FG doesn't have a dress yet!)

Thanks for everyone's help. We finally got the FG dress sorted this weekend (5 weeks to go!) so I can relax. I'm pretty pi55ed off with my BM's attitude to the whole thing though.

We found a dress that was perfect in Debenhams but they didn't have it in her size and it'd been discontinued. The lovely people at Debenhams managed to track one down the the right size 45 miles away. I had to go and sort out other stuff (I'm pretty busy every weekend now), so asked BM to take FG (her daughter) to get it. She kicked up a massive fuss and wanted me to pay for her petrol. If I asked her to go all that way because I'd not bothered to organise things til now, obviously I'd pay. However, the whole reason we've spent the last three weekends looking everywhere for a dress then had to travel 45 miles for one in the right size is because she couldn't be bothered to go shopping when I asked her MONTHS ago. She dropped out of being a BM (and pulled daughter out of being a FG) and then came back into the wedding two weeks ago promising she wouldn't cause me any stress.

She makes me feel like I'm being unreasonable, but when she asked to come back I knew I wouldn't have the time (or money) to spend running round sorting things and she promised she'd sort everything. I'm paying for dresses, shoes, hair etc so asking her to pay for her own petrol to get a dress we could have got locally when I originally wanted to go isn't asking much!

Anyway, it's all sorted now (in terms of getting the dresses) however BM isn't really talking to me as she apparently can't afford to eat now (yet, she told me last weekend that she goes out drinking with her uni mates nearly every night, so she can't be that skint!). Do you think I've been unreasonable refusing to pay for her petrol? I think I've been more than reasonable agreeing to take her back in the first place!

How does she go out drinking every night when she has a child?!

She had a child very young and her daughter has been brought up by her and her parents. She's now away at uni so leaves her daughter at home with her parents during the week and comes home on the weekends to spend time with her. I know it's very hard for her to do, but her daughter's settled in school and she didn't want to uproot her.

And this woman claims to be your FRIEND? jeez..... she sounds like a bit of an arse to me. Sorry but really .... I'd have not taken her back 8wks before the wedding given the way she'd acted before (surely its more than just an extra dress u now have to organise/pay for - its additional flowers, accessories etc?) and I'd definitely not have let her play the game she has since begging to come back.

But I hope it all works out for you given you've bitten your tongue and had a lot more patience with this friend than anyone I know. Have a great day when it comes!

What a nightmare! Does she realise that as a bridesmaid (not to mention your best mate!) she should be supporting you through all this, not adding to your stress!

I did point out to her that the job of a bridesmaid was to help me out, not to cause me extra stress. She has an excuse for everything and it drives me mad. I haven't bitten my tongue at all. I told her exactly what I thought of her behaviour, but she just has excuses for it all (really busy, no money, has come all the way back from uni for me three weeks in a row despite the fact she does this every weekend to see her daughter).

I told her on Friday night that if she couldn't support and help me she could forget about being a bridesmaid (again). She just ignored me and carried on trying to find any excuse not to get the dress that she had to travel 45 miles for by telling me that I should just get it myself, or that the other dress (which had a good 4 inches of room either side of it and looked like a sack) fitted perfectly and we should just get that one.

It didn't help that I was staying at my parents and had very little phone signal so we had to communicate by text message, but I just can't believe how entirely selfish she has become. It's not just with me either. She was telling me on the phone the other night that she's embarrassed about her parents as she thinks they're too working class and she doesn't want her new blokes parents judging her because of them (her parents are really lovely people and not an embarrassment at all).

I'm not sure if she's changed recently or if I never really knew her at all, but I really don't like her at the moment.

I can't imagine why you'd want to have this woman at your wedding as a BM! I think i'd rather lose the £100 for the BM dress, save money on her not needing a bouquet etc and tell her to do one.

Honestly feel really bad for you having to go though all of that. Think your mate is very selfish and sounds like a bit jealous of you having your big day. Cant imagine the stress you have gone through. My wedding date is the day after yours and I had my BM dresses sorted at xmas so u must have been going mad! i aggree with mrs Snow patroller, i think i would rather loose the £100 than have her in my wedding after what she has put u through x

I know what you mean. I'm just so unsure of what to do. She's been my best friend for years and I feel like I don't know her anymore. If she's just going through a phase and is going to sort herself out I don't want to regret having kicked her out of the wedding, but at the moment I really resent her for the way she's behaved and I don't want to feel that way about one of my bridesmaids on my wedding day.

She's been a great friend in the past and was the first one of my friends to accept H2B (we met in a slightly unconventional way and my other friends didn't trust him not to hurt me). She's part of the reason we're still together and has always been a shoulder to cry on when we've had our bust ups. It's always hard to accept that someone you think of as a good friend isn't really a friend at all, but it's even harder when she's one of your bridesmaids.

I have to say that my other adult bridesmaid is being an absolute star at the moment though. She's a bit unreliable and has to be reminded of stuff regularly but she has a heart of gold.