Bridesmaids drama

It is a hard one as in honesty it is her financial situation and to be fair, she doesn't have to explain it. This is precisely the reason I have said I don't want to go away as I wouldn't want to put people in a situation where they can't afford to come, it is not my business what they spend their money on. Attending the wedding is costly enough for some people and I wouldn't want to put anyone in a position financially where they feel they have to attend.


Her saying she had plans was maybe her way of trying to let you know she can't come. It is upsetting for you of course, but I don't think it is fair for you to call her out to say she should have saved as again you don't know her financial situation. if I were you I would take it as it is, or maybe look to scale back and have a day hen locally where people can dip in and out of activities they are comfortable with financially.
Maybe message her and apologise for your reaction, explain you were upset as you want her there, but understand her position and you would like to chat through how she is feeling. There could be something going on you don't know about and she is struggling. Jave an honest,open conversation but be considerate of her feelings as well. I know this may not be the answer you want but from an outside point of view that is what I would suggest. Hope you can get things back on track

I agree with Charlotte, you don’t know what else might be going on for her, or what her financial situation is. Weddings are expensive to attend (as well as plan!) and adding a hen do abroad is another expense on top of that. She may be prioritising being able to afford to go to the wedding over the hen do, but you really don’t know. It’s easy for us to make assumptions about people’s situation, and to project our own styles/approaches on them. Money is a very touchy subject so you will need to be considerate and empathetic and take her feelings into account too. I think Charlotte’s suggestion is a good one, try and have a one to one conversation with her and explain how you feel, but also position it as an opportunity for her to let you know if there’s anything else going on with her that’s affecting her personally or financially. I presume she’s a good friend, so coming from a place of concern and empathy for her, rather than frustration or anger for yourself (though you can of course express your disappointment that she won’t be able to attend the hen) will be a better way to resolve the feelings between you

I agree - she was probably reluctant to mention cost at first, and only did so when there was no other way out. And telling her she 'could have saved' for it is really quite hurtful. I think if you apologise it will help to clear the air and hopefully rebuild the friendship.

Personally this is why I decided to stick to a UK hen do because I would rather everyone afford it and be able to come than booking to go abroad and half of those invited unable to come. Could you go on a hen do in the UK and then a separate do with the people who can afford it as a extra hen do or a girls trip?
I do understand that you would rather she be upfront with you and tell you from the start that it was quite expensive rather than leave it to the last minute to say she can’t afford it. Perhaps her financial position has changed in all fairness, but I do agree some people will say yes to keep the peace rather than just be honest

I wonder if this is something to get your MOH involved in. Ask the MOH to talk to the bridesmaid privately, without saying it's coming from you, to try to suss out whether the problem is the money or whether she actually just doesn't want to go on the hen. I think the MOH is a really useful person to act as a middle ground - they can collate bridesmaids wants and blockers/frustrations and try to organise a hen do that the bridesmaids feel they can be involved in but that will also feel special to the bride. My MOH and I have talked about the kinds of things I would like (personally I also like the idea of a weekend away if possible), what I wouldn't like and who I would/wouldn't want there. My MOH is then going to organise with my bridesmaids based on what they all feel comfortable with (so no one feels like they can't say know because "the bride's asking") and then they'll leave the details as a surprise for me.

I’m sorry to say I do agree with the other posters. It sounds like money may have been the underlying reason but she perhaps didn’t want to say. Are you having a bachelorette party and a hen do? Weddings are expensive for all involved. Personally, I wouldn’t be prepared to spend a lot of money going abroad for a bachelorette party if i would end up going in to debt or not being able to afford a family holiday. Particularly if there was gonna be another hen do and then the wedding. She may have been hurt by the comment that she could have saved up. She may have other things going on in her life which she needs to save cash for and she is entitled to that.

I think you are being unfair to say she could have saved up, her financial situation could have changed. Weddings are expensive for the bridal party and she may already be putting her spare cash into attending. I have once had a guest pull out of a Hen do due to finances after the budget was agreed by everyone. The only thing you can do in that situation is say thank you for letting you know now and not pulling out when the final balance is due which could potentially leave you all paying extra. Have you thought about scaling it down if multiple friends/family have already said they can't afford it?

The best thing for you to do now is apologise for what you've said, Nathalies suggestion is the perfect conversation to have to get things back on track.

I might sound horrible, but I'm not trying to be.


If the people who cant afford it mean alot to you, you can A) have two different dates for bac horolette just make the second one cheaper(people do that)B) dont have a holiday for your bachelorette (it's not a necessity) OrC) pay for them (if you can)
But if they dont mean much to you it's nothing to really worry about.

Your friend probably thought that the cost of the deposit would be lower, or until the last day did not know exactly how much