Bridesmaids not pulling their weight??

Sorry to hear that you're not getting the support and interest that you want from your BMs.

Do you have a chief BM that you could have a bit of a heart to heart with and maybe she could pull the others along a bit for you?

Maybe they just need a bit of a kick in to action and they just don't realise how awkward they are being and how you are feeling - could you just have a chat to each of them and explain that you're feeling a bit alone with the planning and would really appreciate if they could take a bit of time to help you out with stuff and that you need them to make some decisions like on hair, make up and shoes etc.

If you chat to each of them and explain that it's getting you down and stressed and you could do with some support then I'm sure they'll understand, they are close enough to you that you've asked them to be your BMs so they should be close enough to you for you to be able to talk about this with them and how it is making you feel.

xx

Your not alone hun, my bridesmaids are rubbish also!!! I have my older sister, OH sister and my best friend, I ordered a load of dresses online for them to come over one weekend to try on and one by one they all cancelled. Trying to co-ordinate all 3 to get together has been so much stress.

When it came to booking my hen weekend I ended up doing it myself as they kept saying we need to discuss it but never did anything!! OH sister is refusing to come on the hen as she doesn't like butlins!!

I'm paying for their dress and hair and offered them to have my MUA do their make up but they pay and they've all said they'll do their own.

I regret asking any of them now, as other friends have been more supportive and been excited about the process more than those 3 put together. I think it's true what they say about weddings - you find out who you're real friends are!! xx

Can i ask, when you asked them to be your bridesmaids did you ask them to be hands on? If not this is why you may not feel supported by them - if yes then I suggest talking to them

I have 3 my sis and ohs 2 sisters tbh I just want them to show up on day and come to hen party my sis chips in on my ideas but thats it. I have never asked them to be involved so I am happy if they want to be or not.

Also did you tell them about your budget restrictions to start with to?

x

This line of thought...

Is your problem. You are expecting too much. It’s your wedding. Yes it’s the most important thing in the world to you, but to everyone else I’m sorry to say it’s just not that big of a deal.

I fully understand why most of them dropped out of a holiday abroad, it is a big time and cost commitment, and they all have their own lives to live. I know the one is coming late to your local one but at least they are all coming, try and see the positive.

I organised my hen with my mum.

Obviously I don’t know the timescales on all these discussions, but to me it kind of sounds like you are bombarding them with wedding stuff. Happy to be corrected if that’s not correct.

What’s wrong with them doing their own make up? I did my own. I never even mentioned nails to my BM, I just left that up to her.

I’m sorry if you think I’m being harsh, I’m not, I’m just trying to offer some perspective.

you put this so much better than what I tried to do...!

WSS.

You seem to be expecting quite a lot from them but I can't see that you've actually asked them specifically for anything. How are they meant to know, for example, that you want one of them to organise bits of your hen party, or that they'll need a dress fitting, unless you tell them? If you are usually "the organiser" it may well be that they're not used to being proactive and are waiting to be told about stuff. It's hard for BMs to know what is wanted as brides are so variable - some just want them to turn up on the day and wear a BM dress, while others want them to be involved with every decision through the planning process, and most people are somewhere in the middle, but your BMs aren't psychic and don't know what you'll want.

It sounds like you've got a lot of stress on at the moment, which is escalating this problem in your head. Maybe arrange some girly catch-ups with them, not necessarily all four together if it's a complete logistical nightmare, but just some quality time with each one where you don't talk about wedding stuff. It will help you both to remember what your friendship is really about.

As for hair/make-up/nails, if you've got a budget, say so. Just say "We can pay for hair or make up, but if you want both, or if you want nails doing, you'll have to arrange it yourself."

I could be completely wrong but I have assumed that alteration costs should be included with dress cost and paid by the bride not the bm? like i say, could be well wrong but just what i thought was 'the norm'.

you've been fair paying for hair or makeup, nails is a ludicrous request, and definitely dont look at costs like food and drink as money you've spent on your bms... whether they were guests or bm that cost would be there.

Thank you everyone for your balanced views.

I had told them that I wanted them to be involved, but in hindsight maybe I didn't spell all it out.

You weren't being too harsh, I think I will try an organise a time with each when we don't talk about wedding things.

They all knew about the budget from the outset; and were happy with putting to. This is the first time I've been stressed about things so think I'm doing OK, just had a wobbler.

With the BM dresses, they were bought from house of Fraser, and 2 bm's definitely need them taking up.

Maybe instead of asking them if they want hair or make up done and for them to descide, you decide for them.

Just say that you have decided so that they all look similar for the photos for them all to have their hair done and they can do their own make up and that way the decision has been made.

I'm just thinking that it's easier on the day to do your own make up rather than your own hair if you are doing something pretty with it or curling it etc so could be less stressful for them to get their hair done for them and just do their own make up.

Also on the day if some have make up done and some have hair done you might get "I wish I'd have had my make up done as yours looks so nice" or "your hair looks really good, I wish I'd have had mine done instead of the make up as i can't get it to go right" etc etc.

xx

This

I am in the middle here, I can understand you must feel a bit alone with no help BUT you need to spell it out to them I'm afraid. When I got engaged I asked my BM's and told them I am leaving them in charge of the hen do so that they knew from day 1 what to expect.

I try not to talk about my wedding too much because although people are exciting it gets boring for them so I just make day here and there, for example when we went dress fitting I said why don't you come see me in my dress then have a nice lunch - a real day of it, so they knew it was a day where I could talk about my wedding.

Hope things get better - remember they have their own stuff too - kids, partners etc and lives are hectic so be patient and remember why you chose them

I'm having similar problems to you hun, I have 5 BMs, OH sister, my sister, my BF who is my MOH, another friend and my friend who we'd been very close due to a number of isses and she was my hairdresser. Last BM has now been dropped due to her complete lack of interest and the fact she cant even be bothered to contact me due to her new boyf being the be all and end all. Ive done most things through my MOH who has been a godsend. She's helped me a lot and when I asked her to be MOH she squealed and got so excited which is exactly the reaction I wanted. Id suggest that you speak to your BMs and tell them how you feel, that although they have got things going on, theres only 3 months to go and its getting really stressful for you and you need their support. I think you'll probably be able to make any future decisions based on those phonecalls.

Good luck hun x

Re: hen do abroad and lack of commitment/communication. Sad? Embarrassed? Feeling like they were being railroaded into it and not wanting confrontation?

Re: local hen do: You arranged it, then expected them to arrange stuff? They don't know what they are supposed to be doing.

Re: dress fittings. Getting several adults together is not easy. Having them sort out their own alterations is fine.

Re: shoes. What's the problem with Louboutins? If she is paying, that's up to her?

Re: hair and makeup. Really don't see your problem here. You're paying for a portion of it, they pay for whatever else they want.

Re: earning your coveted place. I agree with OB.

Why on earth haven't you?????

I think there is a bit of 50/50 here. I do think it is reasonable to expect adult bridesmaids to assist somewhat in arranging at least a part of a hen party without having to be asked, however it sounds as though you haven't had them yet so they may well surprise you with something! It is also though a bit unfair to expect them to prioritise your wedding above all else in their own lives. Imagine how busy and stressed you are and consider how involved or even interested you perhaps are in what is going on in their lives. They probably don't even realise they have hurt your feelings. I would suggest a light-hearted chat when you're away with the BM who is still going way with you to emphasise that you would like and appreciate support from your BMs.

I am very lucky to have a fantastic sister who totally organised my hen weekend and forthcoming local hen, but equally she has a young baby and so I don't expect her to be at my beck and call. I think there is the balance.

Good luck with it all!

I haven't got any practical advice (sorry!) as I feel it's maybe went on a bit too long to suddenly spell out to them what you expect of them, and they clearly don't seem to know.

BUT....I've always seen a bridesmaid as much more than just a person that turns up on the day to look pretty in a dress and be in your photos. It's such a shame that some girls/women see it as just this coz in my opinion they were selected as they're close to you, have been there over the years and you trust them. I'm so sorry it hasn't quite worked out the way you had hoped

i feel that with your "away leg" of your hen do, they should maybe have been upfront with you instead of pulling out one by one. And if given enough notice of meet-ups etc to discuss or plan the wedding then they should really be trying to make a big effort unless something important crops up last minute.

i really hope everything works out for you....and if it doesn't....you can always look back, smile, and think "I done all that!!!"

Chin up, enjoy your engagement and have a fabulous day xxxx

I organised my own Butlins Hen because it involved getting money from skint people. Not everyone going knew my bridesmaids and I didn't want everyone getting off on the wrong foot by starting their relationship with financial concerns. I knew I would end up subbing some of them the money and I thought it was above and beyond asking my BMs to do that. One of them sorted transport, tshirts and did a Costco food and booze run with me. Two others did games and brought vodka jellies. My fourth BM pulled out and left me to pay for her place. Her loss BUTLINS HENS ARE THE BEST HENS EVER!!!!!!!!

I did start to read your post op but after a whole I had to stop as it sounded too 'stampy footed toddler'

my gut feelings on your bm's is that money is tight for two out of three of them. Weekends away are expensive for most people, especially parents or students. It's also embarrassing to be the person who has to tell the others they can't afford it, trust me I've been there.

i think this is a classic case where the bride has gone wedding mad and has forgotten that for other people life is still going on.

my advice is to actually have a conversation in a calm way with them and outline how you feel- be prepared for some comments back though.