Bridesmaids Paying For Their Own Dresses

When in Rome ...

Or more helpfully, what is your fiance expecting? Its his budget too and he is likely to know his sister's expectations.

Are you getting married in the UK or in the US (or elsewhere)?

I understand the US tradition, my fiance's cousin has recently married an American in America, and his now wife and I discussed the differences between what we do in the UK and what is done in America, which was really interesting.

Can you compromise and ask her to pay for her own dress, but offer to pay for hair/make up for all of them? Or for something else for all of them? I would feel that I needed to treat them all the same, but I wouldn't feel comfortable asking bridesmaids to pay for everything themselves.

I think it would be really odd to pay for one person's dress tbh. You need to speak to your OH and get him to ask if his sis is ok with paying for herself. That would really be the ideal scenario. I think if you explain that you want her to chose whatever she likes then it's no different to her having to buy a dress for any other wedding so she's unlikely to have a problem.

If she does, i think you should do a contribution to all the BM's costs to keep it fair. For instance you could say that they can go off and find a dress and you'll contribute £35 to each dress...

That way you're showing goodwill to your SIL and your American friends get some love too.

My family all lives in the US (i have dual nationality as my mum is American & dad British). There were definitely some differences in tradition that upset the apple cart with my American side - no entrance of the mothers, no "unity" ceremony, no rehearsal dinner, and my mum was shocked that I offered to pay for all the bridesmaids dresses. My reasoning was that my 2 American BMs were paying for flights etc, and my English SIL was flying over from Helsinki for the wedding. My 4th BM offered to pay for herself, but I declined as I didn't think that was fair. All the BMs paid for their own hair & shoes, and I paid for makeup. Personally, i think if your SIL expects to have her dress paid for, and your American BMs will already be spending a lot of money just to attend, it's a nice gesture to pay for all their dresses. I got the dresses on ebay to save costs, and spent just over £300 for 4 new Coast dresses, so it needn't cost the earth.

We will be getting married in the US. Although we are planning to provide accomodation for the wedding party and our family members. FSIL is only 17 now (will be 18 by the time of the wedding) so I'm not sure if she would be paying or her parents would, so I suppose that is something to take into consideration. This wouldn't be an uncomfortable conversation though, at least not to me. Just like none of you would feel uncomfortable only inviting guests to the evening portion, but I would feel terrible doing it. It's all what you're used to. We also have the expectation that the groom's family pay for the rehearsal dinner, but since that is not something that happens in the UK I have a feeling we will end up paying for that ourselves.

Sambarine: There are so many differences, aren't there? For the most part I've found that the American aspects are only added on top to things that are traditional in both countries, so thankfully we don't have to choose either the British way or the American way. For example, adding in a unity ceremony (my fiance loves the idea, especially since we can include his mother as they're very close). He's very excited about doing a first look too

I think as she's only 17/18 and therefore unlikely to be working and earning her own money I'd pay for her dress. None of the other BMs need to know if it makes it awkward.

Say you had a child bridesmaid, under the US traditions, would her parents pay for the dress or would the Bride/Groom? As the FSIL is only 17, i would be inclined to pay as it's unlikely she would have her own income.

As your're getting married in the US, I don't think it matters if she buys her own dress

It might be worthwhile having a discussion with both sets of parents about the different customs so that their expectations can be managed.

Chucklevision: I'm pretty sure the bridesmaid would be expected to pay at any age. I remember my cousin's daughter was asked to be a flower girl in a wedding and she was annoyed that the bride has chosen such an expensive dress.

I think if your FSIL is travelling to the US for the wedding and is only 17 it would be fine to pay for her dress and not the others. The rest won't be travelling so far to attend the wedding and are older (I assume, not sure why - if not, then maybe rethink) so I am sure they would understand that decision. Alternatively, someone has already suggested offering to pay for hair and make up and asking them to buy their own dresses so this could also be an option, but maybe discuss with your OH.

Out of curiosity (and at the risk of hyjaking the thread), are there any other US traditions that are popular at weddings in the states? My parents are both American, though I have lived in the UK all my life, and there will be some Americans flying over for the wedding, so it would be nice to include some more American ideas as part of the day too.

Will you be honouring your other american traditions, such as a free bar for all guests, plus ones for your guests etc.

Im asking this, because if you are then yes imp you could say about paying for her own dress. However if your choosing to go with British ways, although not unusual pretty uncommon to have a non cash bar etc then you should really imo pay for her dress.

As you're letting her pick her own dress I don't think it's a problem asking her to pay, it will be a lot worse if you were dictating what she wears.

A friends of ours was best man at a wedding in the U.S and paid a lot of money to get there and for accomodation he was then asked to pay for his suit which was £300, if he'd have know he could have taken his own suit or bought one in the UK for under £100, then the wedding itself was only a few hours long, I'd have been fuming if that was me!

Lalac1988: Yes, we will be doing the open bar and plus ones (for those that are in long term relationships). We will not be having evening guests since it would offend the Americans, and of course we would never invite someone traveling from abroad to only a portion of the day. Most traditional reception venues only give you a 5 hour block of time for cocktail hour, dinner and dancing, so we are looking at non-traditional venues, like private estates that we can rent for the whole weekend and have a longer wedding day, more in line with what happens in the UK.

MKW: Where to begin? We are doing a unity ceremony which is a newer American tradition. It celebrates the joining of the two families. There are different options like the sand ceremony and the unity candle. I'd love to do the candle but it might be tricky if we have the ceremony outside. You have the MOB and MOG each light a separate candle, symbolizing the individual families. Then the Bride and Groom take their respective candles and use them to light a larger central candle, which symbolizes the joining of the families and their new life together. The sand ceremony is similar, but you each pour colored sand into a vase and can have it as a keepsake after. There's usually a line about how "as the grains of sands are now mixed and can't be separated, the couple can't be separated either". I think it's particularly special when you have children and they can pour sand as well, symbolizing the blending of your families.

The garter toss is a fun one. The bride sits in the center of the dance floor and the groom removes her garter. He then tosses it to the single men (like the bouquet toss) and the man who catches it puts it on the leg of the girl who catches the bouquet. They are supposed to be the next couple to get married. I've only been to one British wedding, but I noticed that the couple did not cut the first slice of cake and feed it to each other. They only posed for photos with the knife. Some people like to smash the cake in each other's faces, but it can be very sweet if you just feed it to each other nicely. Some couples even have a groom's cake, which is a small cake with a flavor the groom likes. We also do a grand entrance of the wedding party. So you disappear for photos and after the guests are seated for dinner the DJ announces each member of the wedding party (parents, groomsmen, bridesmaids, etc) and they walk in to music. My fiance will be doing a mother/son dance after my father/daughter dance.

There's also the rehearsal dinner the night before. Traditionally it's only the wedding party, to thank them for participating, but we will be inviting everyone who has traveled so we are able to spend more time with them. And we are probably going to do a first look as well, where the bride and groom see each other before the ceremony and take photos. It will be nice to have a private moment to see each other for the first time without a bunch of people watching. And the photos are always gorgeous.

There are a bunch of other traditions too, like the bride walking in behind the bridesmaids in the US, the groom facing the back to watch her walk down the aisle, and the bridesmaids/groomsmen standing at the front with the couple during the ceremony, but I think these things are becoming popular in the UK due to American movies. The Maid of Honor (and other women) will typically give a speech, not just the men. We also don't usually ask for cash gifts (it depends what area of the US you live in) as it can be seen as rude, so it's something to keep in mind for your American guests. I remember being taken aback that my fiance's brother had a honeymoon fund set up at their wedding.

Well this is already a novel, so feel free to ask if you have anymore questions.

I am American and paid for everything. I had never heard that bridesmaids would be expected to pay and never came across it in researching our wedding.

That's interesting! What part of the US are you from? I'm from New England and it's pretty much standard that the bridesmaids pay for the dresses. Unless maybe the couple is very well off and can afford to foot the bill for everything? I've researched differences between American and British weddings quite a bit to try to incorporate some of my fiance's traditions and it's been listed as a difference in most places I've seen. http://www.bbcamerica.com/mind-the-gap/2014/02/14/perfect-wedding-combine-british-american-traditions/

I'm from Boston as is my MOH who is my sister. Several months before she was a bridesmaid for my brother, and they paid for their BMs as well. Both of us dictated the dress, hair, make-up, and colour (but not style) of shoes so it only seemed fair. My BMs did have a say as I wanted them to be able to wear the dresses again - but the final approval was with me.

I didn't research the differences, so perhaps that's why I never came across it. I spent most of my adulthood in London, and got married in Canberra, Australia. My brother and his wife live in Denver (and have for the past 10 years) and my sister is still based in our hometown.

We did not do a garter toss or unity ceremony. I find garter tosses quite cringeworthy (sorry!) so opted out of that. Our ceremony was a standard CoE affair. We did cut the cake (it was Boston cream pie), but did not feed it to each other (once again, not a fan). We didn't do a grand entrance (as before). We did have an open bar (with Samuel Adams beers) and a rehearsal dinner (future FIL really, really loved this as it was an opportunity to show off some great Australian cuisine and wine to a bunch of foreigners. He also commandeered the tour bus we hired to entertain guests between the ceremony and reception to hunt for kanagroos. ?). My bridesmaids walked before me, my husband looked at me whilst we entered and our bridal party stood with us. This was different to my husband's sister's wedding, but she was married in a Catholic church. She also had a unity ceremony and garter toss.

I dislike the mention of cash or gifts in invitations. I hate "wishing well" or other corny poems even more or the line "your presence is present enough..." but open your wallet, buster.

Just want to say hello from a fellow Bostonian!