But what if i don't want to change my last name?

Hello

I feel a little the same as you. There is just me and my sister so no one to carry my dads name on and I know deep down my dad will be said I no longer have the family name. I have spoken to my OH about it and he said he would be upset if I didnt take his. I suggested the double barrel surname and he said he would still be upset!

I would quite like the double barrel as I do want to take his name and keep mine, its a tricky one as either way someone will be upset even if my dad doesnt show it I know he will with only have girls!

x

If you don't want to change your name then don't simple as. Your oh may be expecting you too as that is still the norm, but ladies keeping their name is increasingly common.

Why does he believe this? Have you asked him in more depth why he feels this way? Sometimes people can just believe something is right cos it's tradition, but when they think about it in more detail they may reconsider.

We have discussed this issue in much detail on here and you will find a lot of people have strong opinions on it!

Well you will have to change your hitched username for one thing.

You say there is no point in getting married if you don't take his name? I find this very hard to understand. Marriage is more than a change of name. Keep your own, it is your right to. There is no way I would allow my H2B to guilt me into taking his.

^^^^ this.

I honestly think that saying there is no point to marriage unless you share the same name is a little overly dramatic. I can think of lots of reasons why you can have a very happy and healthy marriage and not share the same surname.

I changed my name for a variety of reasons and am really happy with my choice. The main thing is that it was absolutely MY choice. If OH had in any way suggested that i 'must' do anything, I would have been quite annoyed. Keep your current name if you like it and are attached to it.

Having said that (not sure if it helps) - I don't feel any different with my new name. I use it a lot for work so got used to the change really quickly. I now feel a bit 'odd' when i see my old name. I don't really feel sad or anything. Just kind of weird - I guess i now associate it mainly with my dad whom i have a difficult relationship with.

Pretty much what you've said... I would like to keep my name and take my OH's so thought a double barrel would be perfect but he seems very against doing this I don't understand why?! Then when we casually discussed it with his Mum she was very much on his side, I know it's not tradition but I see it as a really nice thing to do ☹️

I totally understand where you're coming from in regards to changing your name. My OH has a very unusual name as his grandad came from overseas and there are very few in the Country (his family are the only ones in the UK). So his name and family identify is really important to him which I totally understand. Although my family name is not very unusual and there are lots of us my name is still important to me and I also feel like I'm losing my identity in changing my name. I'm also a teacher so my surname is used all day every day and I feel like if will be really strange being called something else by the kids. My OH feels really strongly about me taking his name and also doesn't want double barrel because both our names are long and would be a bit of a mouthful. He also doesn't like the idea of changing the root of his name and our children being double barrel. It's a really difficult situation and I don't really have any answers because on the flip side I do like the idea of having the same name as my OH and creating our own little family and us all being the same, it's just sad losing your family name. I just wanted to relate. Could you comprise with something? My OH hates rings and jewellery in general so doesn't want a wedding ring but oh boy is he having one?!! I'm taking his name for him so he's having a ring for me!

Yup yup. By saying that OP, you are effectively suggesting that the marriages of a lot of Hitchers are or will be pointless. Including mine as my H2B is taking my name.

I think I will double barrel mine but OH and son will keep theirs as just his - example:

John Doe

Jane Smith-Doe

Play Doe

is that not an option for you? then you can still be linked to your both sides of your family but he doesnt have to change anything

also I know some women make their maiden name a middle name example: become Jane Smith Doe... you could try that

Don't worry about it. Just leave the name change until you are sure.

I didn't change mine until a couple of years after the wedding. Brown is a dead boring surname... before I had Greenwood, which is a traditional Yorkshire surname. I didn't want to give that up.

I dont want to change my name, but my OH understood, and whist he wont change his he doesnt mind if I dont change mine. Perfect I thought

I told my family and my parents threw a fit, said "no-point-getting-married-if dont chnage name" argument, and quite sexist said as Im a woman, my surname shoul dbe my husbands.

Im quite upset and back to square one!

Don't see why you're back at square one - it's actually nothing to do with your family. It's your choice and your choice alone - by all means discuss with your OH but it's not even his/her say so either.

Your OH is content with it so I would just say nothing to anyone now. As has been said above - marriage is far more than a flipping name change! (for most people anyway)

I feel the same...

On one side, i want to keep my name (because why should i change it?) as i like my name, i have always been known by it and my dad just has us two girls. I have also heard my mum say to a friend she would be ashamed if her girls changed our name when we married....She kept her name at work but is known on facebook/at the doctors/to friends with my dads surname so i never gave it a second thought as to me she is both! Which is kind of confusing actually...My sister and i have my dads surname.

But, on the other, i want to be a little team with H2B. I want our children to have the same name. What would we call our children if we had different names? One of my mums friends who kept her name gave her children her husbands surname because 'the father can always be disputed...' which i thought was dreadful!

H2B would like to keep his name he is happy for me to keep mine and we have both agreed that double-barrelling our names sounds awful. Some sound lovely but ours...Just no!

At the moment i am very 50/50!

That's preposterous. Legally, fatherhood can be disputed regardless of surname. I don't have the same name as my dad - does that mean people think he isn't my dad? Of course not.

I can't wait to change my name! I have never really liked my surname much so this is not an issue for me at all.

H2B also isn't bothered if I keep my maiden name, change it to his or double barrel...his only issue is that he wants his kids to have his surname. And actually so do I so changing my name is the natural thing for us so that we can all be a family together (once little ones make an appearance).

But I do agree with the other posters that it should be your choice what to do - and not something you should rush into if you are feeling so unsure. Just take your time to think about it - you don't need to make up your mind til the day itself.

I've thought this too. I am happy to take OH's surname (even if it is a little unusual), however I am 30 and have obviously had my name all my life. I am worried that it may feel like I'm losing part of my identity.

There is another option that I don't think anyone else has already mentioned - you can make your maiden surname your middle name by deed poll. Take for example Victoria Coren, who married David Mitchell and became Victoria Coren Mitchell. It is not double barrelled - her surname is now Mitchell - but she includes her maiden name in her identity and can be known by all three names. I know a few people have done that and think it is increasingly popular because there can be a little snobbery about double barrelled names but it's a way of including both names.

Personally, I have taken my husband's surname but kept my maiden name at work for various reasons, and it's suited me well so far although I have signed the wrong name in the wrong place on a couple of occasions!

The bigger issues are your reasons for feeling unsure about it all though, as pointed out in previous replies. No one has to change their name at all if they don't want to, you just need to find an arrangement you are happy with.

Changing ones name yto match your husband isn't traditional in many countries anyway: the Scandinavians would think you mental if they heard 'you may as well not get married unless you change your name'.

I've kept my name as it is my children's name, and DH isn't bothered, as long as we're married.

I don't get the loosing your identity thing at all. You could call me spongebob squarepants and I'd still be me!

I regret changing mine so think about it carefully. I've kept it for work though.

I would LOVE to be Spongebob Squarepants.

This is how I feel too. I have so many nicknames from different friends and family it's hard to keep track so changing my surname won't make a blind bit of difference to who I am. My Oh would like us to double barrel but my surname starts with a Q, his with a W and together it's quite a mouthful that I don't find necessary. I'm looking forward to being Mrs W!

I once had a head to head battle with Spongebob Squarepants in the London Marathon.....he was way way quicker than the Wombles, who I managed to pick off one by one over the 26 mile course, but damn that Spongebob - he crossed the line just ahead of me.

I was NOT happy.....

And going back to the original post - I cannot wait to change my name - no matter how much hassle it causes me to do. I currently use my first husband's name and hate being Mrs SomeoneI'mnot. To take my new husband's name will mean the world to me.

Clients at work will have to get used to it, although it is one of those names that courts incorrect pronunciation, so I am ready for many strange attempts when people ring me for the first time...(or two!).

Thankfully, my husband felt very differently. I have said it here before, but he actually told me I wouldn't be the girl for him if I was a girl who wanted to change her name, or thought it necessary.

Can you go softly and keep your name, then add his as well without double-barrelling? It's what the truly posh (and Spanish-speaking world) do (double-barrelling is rather nouveau, apparently).

I thought ages ago that my name is what I am called; my identity is who I am - what I like, how I live etc. But then I split up from my ex and found myself irrationally desperate to be rid of his surname. Having said that, now I can't wait to take OH's surname (even though I am going to double-barrel). So I understand those who feel particularly strongly about this one way or the other. I don't think there's any right or wrong for this. I think it's up to each individual what they decide.

Do you have to change your name by deed poll to replace your middle name with your maiden name? this is common practice in the States and doesn't require a deed poll, I assumed it was the same here...

Yes you would have to do a deed poll if you changed your name to anything other than your spouses name. So double barreling, or replacing your middle name with your maiden name. But nit if you keep your current name. x

Thank you for all of your help with this. it seems to be a big thing for other people too.

what I mean by "no point" is that we are happy now without getting married. yes I will be his wife but I would still have my last name not "Mr and Mrs Lowe".

he is also against double barrel names as he has a daughter from a previous relationship with his last name so she would be the only one with that name

xx

MrsLoweToBe2015:

i also think that there is no point in getting married if im not going to take my OH's name

That's a ridiculous and quite immature statement. Having the same name is more important than any of the hundreds of legal rights and responsibilities conveyed by marriage???? Why ARE you getting married then?

it is not an immature statement. as per my previous post, I have explained further what I mean by this. I did not come here to be attacked, simply for a bit of advice! me and my partner are very happy now and he wants me to be his wife, and I would love too. but a big part of marriage is taking your partners name. yes this is old fashioned but it is also my view of marriage. I am getting married because I love him more than anything, but I also love my family and my current name, so am very torn.

I wont be changing my name- it's was never really even something that was up for consideration to be honest.

My parents have been happily together for over 35 years and have never been married, so i've grown up in a family where my mum has always had a different surname to us all. She was never any less our mum because of it, and never any less my dads life partner either. As such, i've never seen not sharing a name as meaning you're any less of a team, or as being a sign that your relationship isn't as happy or healthy as others. To me, a name is just a name I suppose and I don't have any reason why I might feel that i'd want to change mine. It's not an identity thing, or an unity thing, it's just a preference.

I believe that everyone should have the choice and that there isn't a wrong answer.