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Hyacinth
Beginner April 2022 Essex

Can i unask them?

Hyacinth, 28 February, 2022 at 00:43 Posted on Etiquette and Advice 0 4
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I asked a friend to do a reading as a way to passify her eagerness to be a bridesmaid. I'm only having my niece and sister (as MOH). To soften the blow to this friend who assumed she'd be a bridesmaid, I asked her to do a reading in the church.


Six months later, with the wedding four weeks away, I am regretting this. I have now realised the reading means so much more to me than I thought it would. I would much rather my dear aunt do the reading.
The friend doing the reading hasn't really asked me about it. She doesn't know the passage I've chosen. My next step is to tell her and invite her to the rehearsal. It just doesn't sit right with me now. Also because I have other, more close friends who could've done it, it feels odd. Like I said, I only really offered it as I knew she wanted to be bridemaid (had said it many times before I was even engaged "when you're engaged and I'm bridesmaid..." Etc etc.)
Has anyone been in a similar situation and how do I proceed?
I'd rather the vicar read the passage of text and have no one, if anything.
Further fuelling my regret, this particular friend, according to my MOH, hasn't been very good regarding my hen do. She won't commit, and so she may not even come. I feel like if she doesn't make the effort for that, then I certainly feel like retracting my invite to do a reading. But how?

4 replies

Latest activity by Bev, 1 March, 2022 at 20:59
  • R
    Genius July 2020 Monmouthshire
    RomanticGreenStationery27135 ·
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    There is no way you can tell her she is no longer doing the reading without causing hurt. Depending on how hurtful she finds this, she may be able to get past it or it might be a friendship-ending move. So only tell her you are cancelling her invitation to read if you are prepared to lose the friendship.

    If you go ahead and tell her, I would just apologise for changing your mind and tell her your aunt is doing it instead. At least if she's being swapped for a relative, it hopefully won't upset her as much as if you were swapping her for another friend.

    I know it's too late for you now, but for anyone else who hasn't yet made these decisions - it is really important to pick who you want for specific wedding roles, and not offer roles to people just to keep the peace. It never really works out.

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  • A
    Expert July 2023 Cornwall
    Anonbride ·
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    Would you consider having the aunt do the meaningful passage reading and finding something else for your friend to read in addition?

    I think it's quite a statement to un-ask someone, so unless you're prepared for it to cause a blow out and potentially change your friendship, I wouldn't backtrack - but you could ask your friend to read or do something else that feels less important to you personally.

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  • C
    VIP April 2022 Wiltshire
    Charlotte ·
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    It depends, as the way you have written this she has not mentioned or asked about it since you made the offer. If that is the case then I wouldnt mention it and go with someone else, or the vicar If she does say something now it is a bit close, but you could say with all the planning stresses you completly forgot and is too late to change anythting. It may seen harsh but if she was that bothered about not being a BM I would have thought she would have made more effort to ask about the reading by now with the wedding so close, that saidm, the way she has been withdrawing and not responding about the hHen could be that she was hurt, and withiout opening that conversation and potential can of worms you wont know. You could broach it but It could cause a fallout. If you really feel that strongly then dont or tell her you have changed your mind, which you are entitled to do

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  • B
    Beginner March 2022 West London
    Bev ·
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    It would be very bad form to ‘un-ask’ her and in the long run will likely cause more drama and anxiety for you than if she just goes ahead with the reading as planned.
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