Can I unbridesmaid?

I have the exact same issue myself. I asked my oldest friend in the world and I asked her because of the friend she once was to me rather than based on how our friendship is now. When I talk to her about the wedding she makes all the right noises about how exciting it is, and how much she's willing to help me with things etc. however from one month to the next I don't even hear from her. I sent out an email to my bridesmaids confirming my date and time for my hen do meal, but she hasn't even bothered to reply let alone confirm whether she's coming. It doesn't seem fair to my other two bridesmaids (who have been super enthusiastic) that this bridesmaid will get the honour and glory of the title without doing any of the 'work'!

maybe you could arrange a chat with her and sensitively say that you've been getting the feeling that you've put too much of a burden on her time and money by asking her to be bridesmaid and that it might be easier for her if you let her back out now. Say you really really need a lot of help and support from your bridesmaids and you feel that based on her lack of involvement so far she is clearly too busy to be worrying about all that pesky bridesmaid stuff and perhaps she'd be happier to come as a guest.

That way, you are giving HER the chance to make it feel like it was her decision, and save the possibility of a nasty falling out. However if she pleads to be kept on as a bridesmaid tell her that you will expect a bit more involvement in future. Then if she can't be bothered you'll have a legitimate reason to give her the sack in a less tactful way!

Oh come on. "Honour and glory of the title?" She's wearing a pretty dress and holding some flowers for a few hours, it's not a fricking knighthood!

OP, only you can know how much you value her friendship. From what you've said, she hasn't actually done anything horrendous, just not been massively enthusiastic, which is not uncommon: it's not her wedding so it's nowhere near as big a priority for her as it is for you, and maybe she DOES have money troubles and can't afford your hen party plans? "Unbridesmaiding" her would almost certainly ruin your friendship - do you want that? Or would you prefer to accept that she's not as excited as you and continue your friendship? If you're not that bothered about her any more, then go for it, but don't expect it to be pretty.

Yeah ok, I see your point. The phrase I used was a bit over the top. But the point I'm making is that if I start handing out the thank you gifts with those naff 'thank you for being my amazing bridesmaid' engravings on etc my two other bridesmaids might feel a bit like they contributed to all the amazingness while the other girl did nothing, haha.

She can't do an awful lot if she lives miles away. What's that's saying you can go a long time without seeing someone but only a true friend feels like it was yesterday? Something like that. She might be worried about money and told you she can't go on your hen so that's better than saying yh I'm going then the last minute she doesn't. Have a chat with her something else might be going on. Don't just un bridesmaid her you might lose a friend for good. Is it worth it? Give her a job she can do far away even if it's just looking for something.

I have divorced a bridesmaid and i am so relieved. Not that she wasn't helpful, but because when my friend who got married last summer told me how awful the bridesmaid had been for her coupled with the amount of drama she manages to cause in my life (she has affected a couple of friendships for me recently with her selfish behavior and rudeness, i currently live with her so she is difficult to escape!) i decided that i would bite the bullet and explain to her. she was upset, i would have been in her place but she understood. or she said she did.

the relief i feel is enormous, i thought i would feel bad but i dont. i suppose, i am only doing this once and i dont need negative whiny people! my other two bridemaids are my sister and my life long best friend, they are perfect and i dont need anyone else.

I'm not sure what people expect bridesmaids to do exactly, all I want from my bridesmaid is to turn up on the day and help me get ready in the morning and come to my hen do if she can.

^^^^ This! I have a friend who, if possible, would have been my first choice for bridesmaid or (due to age) maid of honour! We've met only twice in our entire lives but she is still my bestest mate and the person who I would tell anything to. The only reason she isn't maiding me is that she can't make it to the wedding for reasons that cannot be helped and we knew a long time ago that it wouldn't be possible. We speak to each other maybe once a year, but we talk for hours. Friendship is not measured in time, but in quality and it doesn't sound to me as if she has done anything to warrant being de-maided.

I agree with the other posters that it depends entirely on your friendship and what you're expecting.

For me, i would just like some enthusiasm (maybe a craft evening or two but i will supply the wine!) and then to have a nice time on the day. I am glad i chose to change my original bridesmaid plan because our friendship has deteriorated so much since August that i'm not sure we can recover from it. It is sad but i don't think forcing us both into a false relationship for the sake of being my bridesmaid is the answer.

Go with your gut and what is right for you, try not to worry too much about the others although if you have lots of other bridesmaids helping you out do you need her to be as involved as well?

Im second guessing my choices too but I havnt officially asked yet but its oh so awkward still

I was planning on having my 3 'best' friends (the girls who I have lived with and use to see every day etc...) but recently their behavior make me think otherwise

1 recently had a big family even and invited all our friends, I found out afterward on facebook, I probably couldnt even go but the lack of being asked bugs me

1 recently got engaged but has not told me (I know through other commenting on facebook) despite the fact that she bugged me for 10 years that we HAD to be each others bridesmaids

the last 1 also got engaged recently but automatically contacted me and invited me to everything and I love her to bits (her and her family are invited anyway as the basically fostered me when I was younger) but shes the kind of person that you have to go to her, she put no effort into trying to come to anyone elses parties etc... its always I have no money, I have a child, its too far to travel - ermmm its the same for me and my childs younger than yours and lives with me full time so HOW is it fair that I always have to be the one that travels?

then on the other hand I have a 'new' friend (known her 3 years) who is lovely but I dont see that often and have never lived with or spent large chunks of time with etc... but she will go out of her way to help and is completely trustworthy

im confused as to who to have now as we are only having 3 (too balance the best man and 2 grooms men + we cant afford a fouth)

hope you get it sorted

Hi ladies thanks for the advice, it is a difficult one, it's not that I want her to do anything, or be interested, it's difficult to explain, I just have a feeling I've made the wrong choice, and that actually without knowing it we have grown apart, I'd still want her to be there at my wedding, but I'm not sure whether I'd want her to play he role of bridesmaid, especially since my other two bridesmaids have been there for me, one of whom lives in the same area as bridemaid in question yet she never makes the effort to get involved when I travel down and she never comes up, it's not miles away, an hours drive tops. And I know people don't have loads of cash thses days, but uI think a 'I can't afford it, I owe my mum money,' is a cop out, I know her mum and I know she wouldn't expect her to pay money to such a serious extent, it just felt like she fobbed me off, rather than having genuine reason, like she was making excuses because she's not interested, not in the wedding, but me.we're only young,we don't have kids, she works full time as does her partner, they live together, she owns her house and her mortgage is a pittance for what they earn, they don't drive and that's why i feel like she's just thought up the age old cop out 'I'm skint' in order to get out of going. And it's like why should I pay for all the bridesmaids stuff if she can't find some pennies for hen do,it's not like we're having a theme, or anything expensive, and there's length of notice, I even said I'll pay for what needs paying for and you can save and pay me when your ready, even this wasn't an option...