Changing your mind about guest list

As they have booked their hotel, it may be difficult to not invite them now. In my mind, even though they haven't received a formal invitation, you have effectively invited them by implying they would be invited and letting them book the hotel room etc.

Presumably Bob wasn't like this before? Perhaps he is so comfortable with you and your OH that he doesn't feel the need to act like a 'guest', and essentially just made himself at home. Perhaps something has happened in his/their personal life that made him upset and reluctant to talk too much. If you were such good friends before, I would not let this one incident cloud all that. Perhaps arrange to meet them again in more 'neutral' grounds (like a pub or restaurant), and see if they talk more.

It's really difficult, it was only the second time they had been to our house so I really don't think it's the feeling comfortable thing. If I'm totally honest he's been "grating" on me for a while....he treats his wife a bit badly, as in walks all over her and never lets her have a say or an opinion. I feel a bit resentful towards OH also, as I've always said not to go around promising invites to people - which he has been doing from day one. I've always felt like anything can change, and for example if the worst happened and we had to completely downsize our wedding, people would be left feeling a bit peed off having been "promised" an invite, and then maybe for reasons beyond our control not being able to invite them after all. It's just a feeling I've been getting recently that he makes me feeel a bit uncomfortable, and I sort of want to cut down on our contact with them. I know it must sound like I'm a horrible person, but I'm not! I'm just getting a "bad vibe" from it all.

It's not quite the same but there were a couple of people H2B and I had implied would be invited to the wedding who we later changed our minds about.

The first was a friend of H2B who has caused us a load of problems that we only found out was him about six months ago (without going into too much detail, H2B's ex hassled us for about three years after we got together and seemed to know loads of stuff about us and what we were doing; turned out she was getting the info from this friend). It was really upsetting as he was probably going to be asked to be best man but H2B said - rightly, I think - that he couldn't trust him any more and didn't want him knowing any wedding details at all just in case the ex decided to kick off again.

The second was a girl who H2B used to work with, who at the time was going out with H2B's best man. She came out with us socially a few times and I got on pretty well with her but then she started messing him about and the relationship ended pretty badly. With us only having a small wedding (25 people) I didn't think it would be a good idea to invite her when there's still that unpleasantness between them and I can't really keep them apart as they only know the same 2 or 3 other people. I'd actually already sent her a STD card so it was really difficult to retract the invitation but I'm glad I did; I think I would have spent the day worrying about her making a scene and I already have my hands full with my divorced parents on that front!

Sorry for being long-winded with this. As someone else said, the fact they've booked their hotel makes it a lot harder but at the end of the day I would say if you don't want them there then if you've not formally invited them you're still entitled to change your mind. You'll probably lose them as friends over it but it doesn't sound like that would cause you a great deal of grief tbh!

It was the Carling Cup Final and *only* the most exciting ODI game (in history) between England and India - who can blame the man?!

If it was that much of an issue, you should have kept the tv off during the afternoon. If you don't like someone's behaviour in your house, it's down to you to say something.

I think that due to the implied invitation it would be rude to rescind the invitation they're expecting. You are entitled to do it if you wish to, but I would think it's a little rude. If you do decide not to invite them, be prepared for that relationship to end, particularly if they lose money as a result of their bookings.

I agree with Cricket Bride. OH does this at my parents' house all the time! I hate sports, but he's a massive fan and even though my dad is not a sports fan, OH always puts the footy on the minute he gets to my parents' house for Sunday lunch.

Ok - it's a bit different with your in laws and with friends, but I don't think his behaviour is hugely out of order. A bit rude in terms of etiquette, perhaps, but nothing major.

If you've implied that they're invited and they have already booked the hotel, I'd feel very disappointed if I were them.

Hmm, now I feel like the rude ignorant one. Maybe this is why I don't come on here much, was hoping for a bit of support and to maybe feel like I'm not an awful person.....I've not succeeded!

If you have changed your mind about inviting them and don't want them at your wedding, I wouldn't invite them. And yes it might seem rude but you are paying for this person to attend your wedding and if they aren't that great friends, then I wouldn't want them there either! Its YOUR wedding! You can invite who you want! I hope you have a lovely day ?

That's the problem with asking advice (especially on the internet); there's no guarantee you'll get the answer you're looking for! This was always going to be a contentious subject and people have different definitions of rudeness which makes it even more complicated.

If I'm being honest, I get the impression that there's more going on here than you've said in your posts. It seems like you've invited this couple (implicitly or otherwise) in haste after bonding with them on holiday but now you've got to know them in a bit more depth are regretting doing so for more reasons than just the husband being anti-social when he came to visit you. You said he makes you feel uncomfortable and I know it's often easier to justify something like that with a specific reason - like his behaviour last weekend - than a general bad feeling you get about someone but I do wonder if people would have been more sympathetic if you'd focussed more on this "bad vibe" you mentioned than a specific instance of him acting in a selfish - but not outrageously so - way.

Does that make any sense or should I just shut up now? ?

The advice I gave was based on the information given in your opening post.

If you don't want them there, just don't invite them! It's your wedding, after all.

If you've never actually directly said anything to them about inviting them then to be honest they're the ones being a bit presumptuous by booking a hotel for it!

I never really bother keeping in touch with people I meet on holiday - chances are I only get on with them because I was relaxed and having a brilliant time and it's nice to chat to other travellers when you're away - chances are they're not going to be people you actually want in your life when you come home.

If you don't like him then don't invite them - it might cause a bit of friction but I personally wouldn't be too bothered by it if I felt like you do. It's your wedding, you don't want some misery and his down trodden wife sitting there with long faces, not knowing anyone but you and your OH.

Hope you get it sorted without too much upset or upheaval.

I just thought this was a bit harsh, I don't need advice on how to behave or act in my own home...just advice on the situation.

You said 'What do you all think??'. I was telling you what I thought.

I would say maybe see them again somewhere without a TV! - you must have had good vibes before this incident to even consider inviting them to your big day, so maybe just give another chance to see how it goes, somewhere a bit more social with plenty of chances to get them speaking to you.

I don't think anyone here was trying to make you feel bad, but people do express opinions which is why people post here to get a flavour of viewpoints, but I guess if you didn't like a situation in your home on a visit, you are entitled to change it and steer things in a new direction. It is hard if the guests are not really bouncing with convo, but I might have said 'no more sports now folks!' and switched to something neutral, or put on some music. It is done with now, so maybe try a different approah next time. If you still feel anything remotely negative then you do not HAVE to invite them.

If you don't want to invite them then don't but I would be prepared to loose them as friends, as I know I would be annoyed if it had been implied that I was invited and booked a hotel but then never got an invite, I would say its whatever will make you and H2B happiest as its your day.

I think it would be rude to not invite them now they have booked a hotel room, like someone said, they wont be happy if they lose money theyve spent and they obviously see you as friends if theyre willing to pay to stay somewhere for your wedding.

I think it would be different if they hadnt booked a hotel...?

You say he is older - maybe thats why he said something about the desert. Older people love pudding!

I get why your feeling like this, but sometimes you gotta just suck it up...I've had to invite 2 people who HATE me...cos theyre H2B's friends and he cant invite all the other mates and not this one...and i have to just deal with it. I think we are all making some sort of compromise for our weddings...maybe this is yours?

x

I've come to the conclusion that Hitched is not always the most helpful place to look for advice, for me anyway. Thank you to those of you that gave helpful advice, but others have only made me feel worse, and got me in even worse a state over it all. I was looking for a bit of "friendly" advice on what to do about the situation I'm currently in. I didn't expect to have MY behaviour brought into question and to have a lecture on how to behave in my own home. Hitched isn't for me, as my "face" obviously does not fit. In future I will be asking advice of my real friends, in the real world. Thanks to tjose of you who were trying to help, to those who just had a dig, hope you're pleased with yourselves. Good luck with all of your special days, over and out!

Bye then!

But this is what HItched is about - people giving honest advice. If you just want people to agree with you and reassure you, then you should have made that clear in the OP. I would hope that your friends would tell you the truth and give you advice, but obviously they know you better than random people on an internet forum.

Maybe the best way to play this is to put yourself in your friends' shoes. If you had booked a hotel and then found out your invite had been recalled, how would you feel?

That's a bit OTT don't you think?! People have offered you constructive advice. I don't understand what the problem is?

Oh dear, don't be such a flouncer! You pointed out in your opening post that Hitched was the best place to get 'different perspectives'. You also said that you didn't want to say to much to your OH about it in case he thought you were 'being mean'. You must have had some concerns about your reaction, otherwise you wouldn't have said that.

People have taken time to give you their opinion, which after all, is what you asked for. If you wanted us all to agree with you, despite what you actually said in your opening post, then you should have made that clear or found a forum more fluffy.

As for your stroppy response, I'm sure I won't be the only one to find it amusing. You're entitled to your opinion as to the advice offered and if you feel that this isn't the place for you, cheerio. I think it has nothing to do with your face whatsoever. You'll find that people here are straight talking and when they are asked for their advice, they take the person at face value and base their advice on what that person has written.

I tend to agree with the others.

I think the interesting point though is that Hitched doesn't suit everyone; it has its own style, partly formulated by the 'long term members' and not everyone coming into that environment will be able to fit in.

I certainly don't find it easy to fit in (quite apart from being one of very few men amongst majority women) and I've had a lot worse thrown at me for a lot less reason... but I'm still here.

Dear me. I didn't think any of us had been rude or unhelpful... only offered advice (which, note, is not the same as "agreement" or "backing someone up" or "reassurance"... you seem to have incorrectly conflated these things) based on what was said in your first and subsequent posts. None of us know you... why on earth would we get pleasure from having a dig?!

If you seriously wanted advice, I think you'll find that is what you got here... people have said how they would respond, and what they felt would be the correct way to respond. Just because that did not fit in with what you wanted to do does not make it unhelpful and it does not make it any less "advice"!

If you want reassurance next time, say so. But asking for "advice" is going to get you what you got here... honest feedback on your situation.

Really, you are flouncing out because people gave you their honest opinions?

With regards to your original post, whilst I think it was presumptuous of your friends to book a hotel before receiving an invitation, if you have already implied that they are coming then you would be seen as a little rude to retract it. Having said that it is your wedding and you should have who you want there. But be prepared for the friendship to change, if not end.

I had 100 save the date cards and in the end I think I actually only gave out about 10... as I wasn't 100% sure at the time who would be invited to the day and I didn't want to give people StD cards if they were evening only!

As for Hitched - I get great advice here. I remember months ago when I was looking for shoes part two and thought that the Vivienne Westwood heart ones were fab at 2am... I asked the question and I got very honest opinions from some of the ladies and it made me sit and think. I am a grown up and if I had decided that they were definitely the shoes for me then I would have got them anyway, but I wasn't 100% sure and asked for honest opinions and boy did I get them!!! But that hasn't stopped me posting and still asking for opinions.

Next time maybe start your post with "please make me feel better" so that you get the answer you want rather than opinions and advice, which is what you got.

I also have to agree. Criticism is hard to take, especially if you are feeling down but as a newcomer myself, one of the things I love about Hitched is that any criticism I have ever seen on here has either been constructive or in good humour. I don't think there are any nasty people on here at all...just a lot of different people with their own views and if there is anything that I have learnt in the process of wedding planning it is that everybody has preferences and taste is entirely subjective!!

If you ask for a hug then you will get one here, but if you ask for an honest reaction then I really don’t think you can then point the finger if that is what you get!

I guess I need to try harder.

I'm leaving.

To go have a pee.

I'll be back in a few minutes.

Make sure you wash your hands!

Nobody has had a dig. People havent looked at your post and made a snap judgement about you as a person, you asked for honest advice / opinions and you got them.

If you notice, people havent commented on you. Theyve commented on the situation. And in actual fact, if you actually read the advice you would notice its all good advice. stop looking for personal stuff, cos no-one knows you, so its not personal.

At the end of the day, its your wedding. Do what makes you happy. If you dont want an honest answer, dont ask the question.

Sometimes people take internet forums so seriously.

I'm inclined to agree that Hitched can be cliquey and not always the most welcoming environment for newcomers, but the same can be said of pretty much any group of people. Starting a new job, joining a club or whatever, you start on the outside and work inwards. Personally I'm happy to remain on the periphery; I've had some valuable advice when I've been stuck on things, but at the same time knowing that if I post anything more personal I'll only get maybe one or two responses because I'm not one of the "in" crowd. The internet is a convenient place to seek advice/support/whatever, but if you want a "friendly" response you need to talk to your friends rather than a group of anonymous strangers.

I stood up for you when other people were being critical of you but I wish I hadn't bothered. You asked for advice and received it and now you're throwing your toys out of the pram because you didn't get the answer you were looking for. Maybe if you were one of the "old hands" then everyone would have blindly agreed with you but then again maybe not. What you got was honest opinions which frankly I'd rather have than people being sycophantic.